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is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 9:49:44 AM   
biracalsub4wmDom


Posts: 109
Joined: 7/26/2007
From: Illinois
Status: offline 		i hope it is ok if i ask a question to you all.
i am new to this whole lifestyle.  my interest was only recently sparked, so i have a lot to learn, i know.  but anyway....my question is just what the subject says...in a D/s relationship, and being a sub, is being needy a bad thing?  What are your opinions?

thank you.  :)
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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 9:55:18 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Periods of neediness are ok.  A regular ongoing state of being needy isn't.  Exactly what level works for you and your partner will be up to you both to decide.

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 10:02:11 AM   
biracalsub4wmDom


Posts: 109
Joined: 7/26/2007
From: Illinois
Status: offline 		thank you for your reply LuckyAlbatross.  very to the point.  i appreciate it. 

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 12:03:17 PM   
kossack


Posts: 82
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline 		Agree with LA, but let me add--if someone can't handle any neediness at all, ever, run away.  I had the whole "I can't stand neediness" conversation with the first man I met with kinky overtones, in August of 2001.  I said "no prob--I'm not needy."  Then, something happened on the 2nd tuesday in september and my whole life fell apart and he ditched me.  Granted, he had no tie to NYC and it took me 2 days to find out if a everyone I know who worked there was OK, but what the hell is the point of being in a relationship, of any kind at all, much less one where you are testing limits, if you can't break down and cry once in a while?  Granted, if one can't handle daily life, then someone needs therapy, but if you 'need' aftercare or 'need' kindness, or need someone's shoulder when something awful happens, then the other person NEEDS to be there for you.

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 12:14:23 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		If it is your personality type to need other people to do things for you, to control your life and make your decisions, negotiate it. Everybody is needy in his or her own way, off and on for forever.

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 12:25:00 PM   
sweetNsmartBBW


Posts: 167
Joined: 5/16/2007
Status: offline 		Depends, I think, on how you define neediness.

I need to be loved; I need to be understood; I need to feel safe...and those, for me, are pretty much constants.   True for everyone?  Probably not... and some folks might not think my needs are important- but then, I'd not be with those sorts of people. 

So, I'd say that the answer is dependent on who is asking....and who is doing the answering.

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 1:20:54 PM   
palerose


Posts: 12
Joined: 6/25/2007
Status: offline 		I've annoyed Sir by being needy recently. He was understanding for a long time but then I pushed a bit too far. I'm being punished and I'm learning. But I know if I ever really needed him he would help me.

But I think it's the same in vanilla relationships, if one person is too needy it will put the other person off, sooooo it just depends on the people involved as always!

Like you said Kossack, what's the point of any relationship if you can't rely on the other person or people in the relationship to give you a hand every so often?I'm not just talking sexually here...

x

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 1:36:35 PM   
charlotte12


Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		There's a difference between being needy and needing other people. I don't think the D/s dynamic changes it any. When i start to wonder if i am being too needy i try to take a step back and ask myself if i would be annoyed if the other person was acting the same way. If i answer yes then i try to figure out why it is i am feeling so needy and remind myself that the answer is probably within myself and not the other person. 

In my mind the word needy suggests someone who cannot take care of themselves and no matter how much comfort or reassurance they get cannot seem to accept it. This suggests issues that go deeper than the relationship and should be addressed on one's own. However if by needy you mean needing the other person to be there for you when you're down or going through bad times, or needing them to look out for your needs as much as you look out for theirs then i would say being "needy" is perfectly fine.

***edited to add that i just realized i was in the ask a Master forum. hehe, i guess i'll pretend to be a Master for the day




< Message edited by charlotte12 -- 7/30/2007 1:37:46 PM >

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 1:51:23 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		I think it depends on what you think being needy is. We all have periods when we are a bit needy. Constant neediness can become annoying.

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 2:25:00 PM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline 		We all have days or periods in our lives where we are needy. And that need has in my opinion to be fulfilled at least up to reasonable points. But if that needy period never ends then I'd say that would be a bad thing and sometimes it suggest an underlying problem that would be smart to address and solve. However, some people want their partners to be needy. And if it works for both then it's all good...

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 3:25:12 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		We all need things.  The question is how we handle getting those needs met and how we approach those who can meet them.

Being needy isn't bad. 

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 3:28:41 PM   
DarkDaddyZ


Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline 		I think being needy and desiring needs to be met are two different things. Because in a relationship everyone wants their needs met.  Yet there times that being needy causes friction. In my past, when I've had a needy partner/sub/slave, sometimes I haven't handled it (or communicated) correctly and I've questioned if I my lack of (insert here) caused the neediness itself.

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 3:32:47 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Being needy takes the focus off of your Master and puts it on you. That is bad. On the other hand, a relationship should bring you pleasure. If it doesn't, that doesn't automatically mean you are needy.

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 5:24:49 PM   
nyrisa


Posts: 1830
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		I am not sure what your definition of needy is.

I think as long as a relationship is mutually beneficial, if each gets what they need, if they can deal with the ups and downs of life, and one be strong when the other is down, then returns the favor as needed, then I think that is fine. But if someone is constantly having to be on the receiving end of the relationship energy, it becomes an emotional drain on the other. Being with your partner should make you feel content, or whole. If a prolonged time together leaves one feeling drained, like your energy has been sucked out, or leaves one feeling empty emotionally, as if there is an unsatisfied ache in their heart, then the scales have tipped too far.

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 8:13:39 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		Hello and welcome!

I don't think being needy is a BAD thing at all.
At least you realize that you have this insecurity, so you can monitor it.
Be honest about it, when you find yourself becomming attached to a potential mate.
 
Most people suffer from any number of insecurities, it is called being human.
You are well ahead of the game, by being aware of it.
As long as you are not like the woman in Fatal Attraction, I think you will be okay.

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 8:27:25 PM   
SexyRed


Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline 		Being called needy is so subjective...your neediness combined with the same level of attachment is fine for some and for others, it would turn them off at the first whiff of neediness.

Sometimes a person will call another person needy, simply because they want to dismiss any emotional aspects from the proceedings. The level of communication has to match or be fluid, or else the relationship becomes too one sided and someone is not getting their emotional needs met.

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 10:01:36 PM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: biracalsub4wmDom

i hope it is ok if i ask a question to you all.
i am new to this whole lifestyle.  my interest was only recently sparked, so i have a lot to learn, i know.  but anyway....my question is just what the subject says...in a D/s relationship, and being a sub, is being needy a bad thing?  What are your opinions?

thank you.  :)

I'm not sure that having needs (we all have them) and being "needy" are the same thing. The word "needy" is pejorative when applied outside an economic context, because it conveys excess ("demanding or needing attention, affection, or reassurance to an excessive degree"). So either you mean something else, or else yes it's a bad thing. Nobody is perfect, of course. But excess is never a good thing (no snickering).
 
K.
 

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 10:09:00 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		There are various forms of needy.  Some neediness can be full of dramatics and whining, some neediness can be full of passion and loving longing, some neediness can be a form of weakness, some can be a form of vulnerability behind strength.  There can also be a need to make the other person happy.

I am needy for my Master, but what this means is I need him in my life, as the keeper of my slavery.  And sometimes I feel so much passion for him that I could just cling to his feet and kiss them and grovel to them and beg him to whip me, fuck me, use me as hard as possible, because however intensely he thrashes me can not possibly be severe enough, and if I'm sore for weeks, it isn't long enough.....  Yeah, he likes that kind of neediness.  He also likes the neediness in which I simply can not do enough for him because it so fulfills me when he is pleased.  So I go out of my way to make things better for him (example being when he hadn't found an available hotel for a trip he is taking so I stayed up until 2am on a work night, calling every place in the area until I found one I knew he would prefer and negotiated the rate down a bit). 

He loves my neediness.  But he has worked with me to shape it so that it is desireable to him and not annoying (I haven't completely perfected the not annoying part yet but I'm working on it, heh).

A lot of people automatically equate "needy" with something really negative, but I think it's all in how you look at it.  If I couldn't get through each day without affirmations that he is happy with me and pats on the head and all sorts of recognition, that would be the annoying kind to him.  But I can, and he knows I can.  He knows I'm a very capable person, who is completely vulnerable to him, grateful for him, and wise to the fact that my slavery depends on him.

So I guess it depends on how you look at it...?

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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/30/2007 10:17:01 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		Needy is , I assume what you mean is clingy aka for attention??

or needy as in 'I need cock around the clock'??? 

depends what you are needy about, I guess., depends on how much of a pain in the ass it becomes also.

Needy is a weakness in itself. Some men dig it, some don't. If it is causing issues with a guy then it isn't good, if not, keep it up, needy yummy. lol

I cannot be needy.  I have to take care of myself, to be needy implies I would have a weakness and I cannot fix the problem myself. If you and your partner enjoy you being needy, by all means, don't ask..keep on the luvin.




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RE: is being needy a BAD thing?? - 7/31/2007 12:17:23 AM   
LittleWolvenOne


Posts: 42
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline
When people use the word "needy" it rarely refers to the number of needs or depth of needs. It is usually a reference to some one trying to have thier needs met inappropriatly. The majority of people have very simaler needs. Some of them we never learn about because the person is having thier needs met through therapy, recovery, medication, etc. We don't really get upset over the needier people having thier needs met appropriatly. It is the one or two "needs" that are infringing on our time or energy that we care about.

Some one saying that you are "Needy", it is some times "bullshit" for "I don't feel confortable meeting your needs" from people who have difficulty setting boundaries. A person who can set boundaries can usually tell some one what needs they are confortable taking care of and what needs they are not. Some people who have difficulty setting boundaries find themselves telling alot of people that they are "needy".
They say some one is "needy" when they mean: Please don't call me at work." or "I am not affectionate, please don't be so touchy feely with me" when some calls them alot or is always giving them hugs they don't feel confortable with.

Telling some one that they are being "needy" is not setting a boundary. Telling some one they are being "needy" does not help a friend or aqaintance have thier needs met. It just convinces the "needy" person to have thier needs met in a more subconsious way. It leaves thier needs unmet and leaves them uneducated on appropriate method of having them met. It can also leave them with more "insecurity", "desperation" or whatever "needy" qualities people usually get from them.

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