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BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 7:58:01 AM

saucymanx

Posts: 7
Joined: 7/29/2007
Status: offline

Hi folks, I've only played online and am set to meet my first dom. I'm scared senseless...he's demanding complete
obedience right off the bat and I trust in stages. I don't know him so naturally don't trust him...he says that's an
'inner battle' I have to overcome.

While I don't want to seem difficult, I don't want to wind up on the evening news, either.

Any suggestions for how a first scene with a virgin bdsm sub should unfold?

thanks
sm

Post #: 1

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 8:17:38 AM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

Yes! DO NOT play on the first meeting. Set up your boundaries before you ever meet that playing is a hard limit on the first few meetings. Also never put yourself in this position again. Think before you jump into something so potentially dangerous and don't lead with your sex drive.

Also...I'd NOT go to this meeting. He thinks you need to resolve your own inner battle trust issues over meeting a stranger?? He's a wanker and no dominant worth his salt would ever say that to his ward. You have been duped and he's going to use you till you are used up and move on.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to saucymanx)

Post #: 2

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 8:18:39 AM

EclipseAbove

Posts: 220
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline

I'd be a little careful. Saying that trust is an "inner battle" that you have to overcome sends up a few red flags for me. I think that trust is something that both of you have to build together over time. Hopefully, someone will know where you are going and for how long, just in case.

As for a first scene with a newbie - I'd go pretty slow an only introduce a few activities. I might start with some light D/s (pretty safe stuff). Kneeling, speech restrictions and the like. If I did any S/M, it might be some bondage or a light flogging, but not together. And any resistance on your part would instantly succeed (struggle with ropes and I'd untie you). I certainly wouldn't start out with an abduction, extreme posture collars, suspension rope bondage, fire play and needles all happening at once. Just my $0.02.

(in reply to saucymanx)

Post #: 3

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 8:20:49 AM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: earthycouple

Yes! DO NOT play on the first meeting. Set up your boundaries before you ever meet that playing is a hard limit on the first few meetings. Also never put yourself in this position again. Think before you jump into something so potentially dangerous and don't lead with your sex drive.

Also...I'd NOT go to this meeting. He thinks you need to resolve your own inner battle trust issues over meeting a stranger?? He's a wanker and no dominant worth his salt would ever say that to his ward. You have been duped and he's going to use you till you are used up and move on.

I completely agree. A better alternative is to meet me blindly and then...oh wait, that's not a better alternative for you.

Honestly, if he's not interested in waiting until you're comfortable moving to the next step, I guarantee there are doms out there who will be, and you'd be a LOT better off with them. Aside from my earlier joke, I'm not one of them, as I'm a submissive, but you have the upper hand here as there are so many more of him looking for so few of you.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me

http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to earthycouple)

Post #: 4

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 8:21:34 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

You need to use the search function here on collarme and look for "first meetings." You should not be playing on a first meeting. A first meeting is for you and him to start to get to know each other, and to decide if you even wish to play with each other. A first meeting should be in public, perhaps at a restaurant. Then you need a safe call. The search function should bring up many posts discussing safe calls and how to properly set them up.

A Dom who demands complete obedience on a first play date is a red flag in my book.

Nothing should happen during the first scene that you have not agreed to in advance. In other words, you and he need to discuss what might and what will not happen....you get to negotiate what will happen.

Remember, go with your instincts. If something doesn't feel right, then stop. Don't let anyone, not even someone who claims to be Dom tell you the way things "should" be for you. Don't let someone try to convince you that you NEED to trust him instantly or there is something wrong with you. If this Dom hasn't supplied you with references from the community so that you can check him out, it's very possible that he isn't a Dom afterall.....but a horny guy who merely knows how to talk the lifestyle talk. I don't wish to frighten you, but i know of some pretty bad things that have happened to subs who played on a first meet and didn't have proper safe calls set up.

(in reply to saucymanx)

Post #: 5

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 8:25:46 AM

saucymanx

Posts: 7
Joined: 7/29/2007
Status: offline

He says he wants 100 'encounters' before 'taking a different direction'. He wants to spank me hard enough
to induce weeping on the first encounter, but only spanking.

Methinks I revealed to much in my profile about what I crave...

sm

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 6

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 8:28:23 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

He wants complete obedience at the outset, you trust in stages. Doesn't sound like compatibility to me. I'd have already ended this and wouldn't even be considering meeting in person. Hello? Why in the world would you be meeting someone who you can't yet trust???

You have time, take a breath, and back up. Stick to your guns and hold out for a dom who's approach is similar to your own. It will be worth the wait.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 7

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 8:30:48 AM

Aine

Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline

It seems he thinks that you don't have a good head on your shoulders, and by the looks of it, that's what you're putting off...

Not to seem harsh, but you really need to reevaluate your common sense.

Think about it.

You do not know this person, yet they seem to think you trust them enough to beat you to tears. Who knows, you may not be a painslut, and the tears might come too quickly for him, and who the heck knows what could happen to you after that.

Be smart, cut things off and make it PERFECTLY CLEAR what your boundaries are.

And a newbie note:
NO PLAYING ON FIRST MEETINGS

That just opens up a can o worms you do NOT want to deal with. Your safety is first and foremost. THINK.

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to saucymanx)

Post #: 8

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 8:31:03 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: saucymanx

He says he wants 100 'encounters' before 'taking a different direction'. He wants to spank me hard enough
to induce weeping on the first encounter, but only spanking.

Methinks I revealed to much in my profile about what I crave...

sm

Remember, the fantasy you create in your own mind is unlikely to be the one he carries out. I hope you start craving self-protection and preservation of your own safety. Common sense would be a good craving to have, too.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to saucymanx)

Post #: 9

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 8:32:10 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Your common sense is obviously trying to frantically warn you that your lust filled urge to "be a good girl and get all my fantasies seduced into reality" is causing you to completely act like an idiot.

Taking time to get to know someone and build trust, choosing for yourself what is right and best for you, making a GOOD choice based on SOUND judgement isn't "being difficult."

Unless the guy just wants to use you and not have to deal with messy things like responsibility and accountability- then you're making it difficult for him to get what he wants. And he'll shame you in order to try and avoid it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 10

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 8:35:25 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: saucymanx

While I don't want to seem difficult, I don't want to wind up on the evening news, either.

thanks
sm

If these are your two options.....take the first one.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to saucymanx)

Post #: 11

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 8:39:00 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

Plenty of people play on the first meet and nothing bad happens to them. The potential for being hurt is as high on the fifth, tenth or umpteenth meet as it is on the first. What really matters is how well you've gotten to know this guy. How long have the two of you been communicating? Has he been consistant in what he has said? Do you feel you have no reason to believe him?

The two of you obviously don't fit together if you haven't met and already have issues on how much to trust. If I were you, I wouldn't do this simply on that alone. Now, thats not to say that he is not correct and that you do have some inner battles to overcome. But that totally depends on the correspondence between the two of you. Something noone else is privy to.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to saucymanx)

Post #: 12

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 8:39:55 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

I just read your profile. You live in an area that has several munch groups. You also have access to The Wet Spot. If your Dom has no ties to the local BDSM community, then i suggest that he's most likely a whanker.

To search for the local Seattle munches, go to http://www.drkdesyre.com/ where there is a list of local organizations and groups. If you still wish to meet with this Dom you've been chatting with, suggest that you meet for the first time at one of the munches. It would be interesting to find out if he's willing to meet with other lifestylers.

As to saying too much in your profile let me give you a bit of advice based on my own life. I used to play online. Believe me when i say that some of these online Doms are good....very good at saying just what they sense will get you feeling all subbie. Since my online playing days i've discovered that most of those online Doms i used to chat with were just that....online Doms who wouldn't know how to accept power from a sub if you wrote them a "how to" manuel. Believe me when i say that those online Doms have done their research and know all the buttons to push (or words to type) on a newbie sub.

(in reply to saucymanx)

Post #: 13

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 8:44:25 AM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: saucymanx

He says he wants 100 'encounters' before 'taking a different direction'. He wants to spank me hard enough
to induce weeping on the first encounter, but only spanking.

Methinks I revealed to much in my profile about what I crave...

sm

He sounds like a "Dom" a friend of mine from another site met up with a couple of weeks ago. It's very dangerous to play on the first meet, especially with someone who wants to cause that much pain before getting to know you as a person. Unless, of course, you're just going for the S&M not a relationship. In that case, this may be just fine. It all depends on what you are looking for.

Just my thoughts.....

_____________________________

"cooking is my kink"

Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

(in reply to saucymanx)

Post #: 14

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 8:48:12 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

So - If you want to play on the first meet - then play. Yeah I know, everyones advice is 'don't'. But I could write a list of people who have played straight off - and yes I know not playing on a first meet/date etc is good advice, but reality is many people do.

But then you gotta trust that person to play and you admit you don't. If some man or woman comes along and orders you to submit, and your not comfortable, then don't submit and don't play. If they promise you 'forever' just to get you to play - don't play. If it isn't what you want to do - then don't play. If you aren't going to be responsible for your own feelings and know that a one deal play is going to make you feel bad if he doesn't contact you again after you leave the meeting - then don't play.

Being sensible and trusting your own instincts doesn't make you 'difficult'... and if he insinuates this then if it were me, I wouldn't even meet with him. Just because you are an s-type and meeting a prospective dominant does not mean you must submit - it means your meeting. If you are very nervous on a first meet - remember to have safe calls set up at regular intevals, meet in a public place and don't be persuaded to do shit you don't feel comfortable with. Any person who tells you that you must submit is talking out of their ass.

Be responsible for yourself and your own feelings.

Peace
the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to saucymanx)

Post #: 15

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 8:52:00 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Tell him that you will give him your complete trust once he has given you his. And ask him to start by giving you access to his bank account. He'll be shocked at you asking, at which point you tell him that what he is asking is the same, emotionally speaking.

But he's terribly unrealistic. Which says to me that he has no experience and is lying about that. A good dom will want you to be comfortable trusting him, not make it more difficult. Do you really want to be with someone with such poor relationship skills? You deserve better.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 16

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 8:57:31 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: saucymanx

He says he wants 100 'encounters' before 'taking a different direction'. He wants to spank me hard enough
to induce weeping on the first encounter, but only spanking.

Methinks I revealed to much in my profile about what I crave...

sm

its like taking the prize out of a box of cracker jacks there is no fun in already know what it is. and making someone work for something means more then giving it over to them they will respect it more .... also your and adult just meet for dinner make it a normal date feel him out learn about him as a person not D's that will give you in-site to what he is all about learn about his past friends and family and oh yeah how well he deals with responsibility

< Message edited by LATEXBABY64 -- 7/31/2007 8:59:33 AM >

(in reply to saucymanx)

Post #: 17

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 9:03:59 AM

saucymanx

Posts: 7
Joined: 7/29/2007
Status: offline

I chickened out.

While I want to be totally subjected 24/7 it is to a HUSBAND and Master. I want a LTR, marraige...I
have kept myself pure, not sleeping around, and have changed my profile to that effect. All the
things I long for...that was what I was thinking.

But I didn't feel safe. I have to feel safe.

*sigh*

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 18

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 9:06:54 AM

Aine

Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline

I am well aware that it's not for everyone, but you are looking for what I managed to find.

I looked nilla first, told JL about my interest in BDSM and luckily, he was interested too.

We are a much in love, engaged and practicing Switch couple.

Try looking for compatibility before looking for D/s.

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to saucymanx)

Post #: 19

RE: BRAND new to the lifestyle, 1st meeting - 7/31/2007 9:10:38 AM

saucymanx

Posts: 7
Joined: 7/29/2007
Status: offline

THANK YOU for your advice, folks. I really appreciate the perspective and intervention.

Every inner instinct was screaming RUN!

Thank you for the link to Seattle groups. From now on I will let my naturally circumspect nature guide me.
It's sad, really... being a 'big girl' I was so thrilled that he supposedly found me attractive (and he's gorgeous)
that I didn't think.

sm

(in reply to saucymanx)

Post #: 20

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