RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs.

RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (Full Version)

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julietsierra -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 12:51:42 PM)
Neither a personal nor an impersonal relationship is rationale for abdicating responsibility for one's self. Turning things over to a dominant because "poor lil ole you just can't think her way out of a paper bag" is not submission. That's refusing to act in an adult manner even though the person's claiming to be an adult. Blaming that refusal on "because he's the Dom!!" is just plain insulting. juliet

SusanofO -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 12:58:27 PM)
julietsierra: Well, I agree. In that case, I say maybe the person just isn't wanting an adult relationship. I draw a distinction, there, as well. There seem to be la few of those folks around (as well as many who do want an adult realtiosnhip). I mean, I could never abdicate complete responsibility for the entire, 24-7 state of my welfare - at least I know my ex-Dom never would have let me get away with doing that (I am referring to what occurred during most of our rleationship, despite the fact we broke up at the end, because he apparently did expect me to do that, and not in a healthy way, either. But that occurrence isn't really relevant to this conversation). - Susan

WhiplashSmile -> RE: Dom's are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 12:59:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 one thing is very true each person must be in control of their life before they bring anything to the table.. sub, Dom, domme or slave or what ever.. out of control people only get lost in the muck of stupidity of assumptions and the informational complexity of what is out there... to thine own self be true ...have your ducks in row before you take on anyone or get involved with anyone I agree with this to a point. However, everybody has some fucked issue or flaws in life. The thing is to be aware that your partner is not perfect either. You don't have to wait to have all your ducks in a row, you simply have to be aware of what ducks you and your partner don't have in a row at the time. Meaning you have to be honest about each other in terms of what is not right in your life, and just not sit there and draw pretty pictures about everything in your lives. Face it, nobody fully ever has all those ducks lined up in a row. Life has this amazing shot gun that likes to constantly take aim and takes shots at everybodys ducks. Just because you have your ducks in a row entering a relationship, does not mean you'll always keep them there in a row either.

tawney1 -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 1:08:24 PM)
My view is that you, ( Dom or sub), have to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of another. True of all relationships whether they be vanilla, kinky or some thing else. There maybe varying degrees of power exchange in a relationship but it still takes at least two to make one. tawney property of Odin

MisPandora -> RE: Dom's are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 1:18:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 the reason that happens is Dom's are suppose to be leaders, educators, and guides and to help a submissive on their life journey. media hypes a lot of this so you have the balloon effect of a idealism of what they are. do they also step up to the plate no not always.. but they do need to do what they say and a sub needs to do this to a ying and yang balance it has to be only then will they find righteous good things.. That's a nice concept, but did you forget that dominants are HUMAN????? We put our pants on one leg at a time as well. And since when does "media" hype anything about BDSM? I've clicked through all three of my local major news channels and don't see them sensationalizing on the kinksters.....

MisPandora -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 1:20:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Hey Latex, Most people posting in this thread ARE real life and have far more experience than you IN REAL LIFE. It is the bullshit crap about how great dominants are supposed to be, how vital trust and communication are (without any real grasp of how healthy trust is formed or the fact that talking isn't communicating as we speak of it) and the sort of fluffy crap one reads on places like castlerealm that cause all the fucking heartbreak in our community. I was a pillar of the bdsm community when I was an asshole with anger issues. I am not running or doing anything at the moment and am a far better person than I was before. Dominants are people, with issues, problems, and whatnot. We are not superhuman, we are not perfect, and the louder someone bleeps about how they are the noble exception, the more full of shit I tend to think they are. LA is right, submissives often come into this thinking us dominants are the answer to their own dysfunction and they need to grow the fuck up and become mature responsible adults and deal with whatever issues they have first. The more we demand that of people, the more healthy our dysfunctional little community will become. Michael, I absolutely adore you! Well said.

Rockwell -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 1:22:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael I was a pillar of the bdsm community when I was an asshole with anger issues. I am not running or doing anything at the moment and am a far better person than I was before. Good for you. Seriously. You are showing an example of a reponsible dominant. Getting your act together. Good deal. OP and anyone: Balance. Thought. For BOTH and ALL. Thanks.

WhiplashSmile -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 1:26:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tawney1 My view is that you, ( Dom or sub), have to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of another. True of all relationships whether they be vanilla, kinky or some thing else. There maybe varying degrees of power exchange in a relationship but it still takes at least two to make one. tawney property of Odin Now, what about a slave that has been released from her Master for whatever reason. What if she was not permitted to have a job, has no car, has no license, has no credit, does not have much in the way of family, and not much of anything else? Are you saying she needs to take care of all these needs first herself before she can enter into another relationship?

Rockwell -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 1:30:09 PM)
Whiplash - thats a good question. What about dominant responsiblity then? Somebody else answer - I know my opinion. I am another who would like to hear peoples ideas. Zac

welshwmn3 -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 1:33:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lashra This certainly says it all as far as I am concerned. I've been in this lifestyle since I was 19 years old and I am 44 now. I have seen more then my share of troubled Dominants with a dysfunctional sub clinging to them for dear life in the hopes they will fix them. Dominants are human beings not miracle workers or Gods and the same can be said for subs. ~Lashra Agreed, as well as seen more than my share of troubled dominants with a sub, where the sub stays with the dom in the hopes the sub (through her love, devotion, and submission) can "fix" the dom. People have relationships. People have dysfunctional relationships. In both the 'vanilla' world and the 'kink' world. No one person can 'fix' another. No one person can 'change' another. One person in the relationship can help another change, but only if that other person is willing to change and works on it themselves. Classic lightbulb joke: How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb really has to WANT to change.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 1:34:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile Now, what about a slave that has been released from her Master for whatever reason. What if she was not permitted to have a job, has no car, has no license, has no credit, does not have much in the way of family, and not much of anything else? Are you saying she needs to take care of all these needs first herself before she can enter into another relationship? I certainly think that's the ideal way to go about it.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 1:35:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rockwell Whiplash - thats a good question. What about dominant responsiblity then? Somebody else answer - I know my opinion. I am another who would like to hear peoples ideas. Zac Nope, bad thread stealer. No blowjob. Of course doms have responsibility- everyone who agrees to be part of some relationship has a responsibility there. But this was a half rant half bonk on the head in response to the sudden influx of very clueless NOT responsibility holding fem subs around here.

kittinSol -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 1:37:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: welshwmn3 How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb really has to WANT to change. Joke reciprocity alert! Q: How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They prefer to sit in the dark.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 1:43:47 PM)
LA is pretty hot when she gets on a roll!

Rockwell -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 1:47:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Nope, bad thread stealer. No blowjob. Of course doms have responsibility- everyone who agrees to be part of some relationship has a responsibility there. But this was a half rant half bonk on the head in response to the sudden influx of very clueless NOT responsibility holding fem subs around here. No blowjob for you Thats funny! Yeah, OK. I did catch a wave of boo hooing subs , didn't know we had a hurricane of them. Laughing - thanks. Zac ( Yes, and I agree = equel responsibility)

lateralist1 -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 2:01:48 PM)
I can only speak for myself but since entering the lifestyle I have been able to deal with my baggage. I doubt I would ever have been able to do it in vanilla life. Even the relationships that have ended badly for me, have given me something. Both Dom/me and sub have a responsibility to the relationship. In my experience slaves want to give up responsibility. That isn't healthy for either person. Noone can assume that two people will necessarily want the same kind of relationship and too much compromise on either side can't be good. However no matter how careful one is Dom/me or sub one can be quite happy to use the other. That's life and there isn't a lot any one can do about it.

Rover -> RE: Dom's are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 2:05:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 the reason that happens is Dom's are suppose to be leaders, educators, and guides and to help a submissive on their life journey. No offense, but what book did you get that from? Dominants are suppossed to exert control, and submissives to abide by that control, to whatever degree, within whatever context, and in whatever manner they agree upon between them. They are not required to join King Arthur's Court for crying out loud. John

daddysprop247 -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 2:13:32 PM)
hmm, just wanted to add a different perspective here...believe it or not, some Dominants actually WANT to take full responsibility for the lives of their submissives, they actually want to be their Teacher, their Guide throughout life, they want them to be moldable, and utterly dependent on them. for such Dominants a dependent, powerless submissive is not a burden but a treasure. Whiplash described a slave that sounds much like me...not permitted to work, not able to drive, no college degree, no knowledge of how to live or function independently, no offline friends, only distant, mostly estranged family, etc. my situation is precisely the way my Master desires it, and were something to happen to him, i would see no logic in going out and somehow acquiring those life skills. it was my vulnerability and dependence that attracted my Master to me and strengthened our bond, why would i then turn around and do things that would turn me into a different sort of submissive altogether? of course i agree that as an adult, one needs to accept responsibility for their own actions, and also i do not agree with the idea many (particularly online) submissives seem to have of heaping huge ridiculous expectations on their Dominants, meanwhile laying back on their laurels and refusing to do so much as put one foot in front of the other without their Dom's assistance. but i would call such people manipulators and users, not submissives.

MadRabbit -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 2:21:48 PM)
I would really like to meet some of these stone wall dominants without emotions, insecurities, fealings of self doubt, depression, anxiety, stress and zero baggage or periods of personal crisis who dont ever need anyone to lean on at times, listen to them talk about whats bothering them, and give advice.

SusanofO -> RE: Doms are people, too. Wise up already subs. (7/31/2007 2:23:52 PM)
daddysprop247: I agree with you. But (based on what you write here at CM, and I've read quite a few of your posts), you've taken responsibility for your decision to give him all of the responsibility for decisions (you definitely seem to me to have done that anyway, I know I don't know you personally, but you ceertainly seem to have realized what that decision actually meant for you, in your own relationship). I think there some people (from what I've read, and I know you agree) who honestly don't realize what might (or could) happen if they do that in their life - and then get ticked off at the Dom/me (and maybe even leave the relationship) because they didn't "get" what that might actually end up meaning (and they didn't bother to get to know their Dom/me). The Dom/me has some repsonsibility to make their expectations crystal clear to the submissive or slave as well (IMO), of course. Some Dom/mes have more "extreme" expectations, some have hardly any. How can someobody really turn over their entire life to someone, if they've never talked with them about their expectations (I am big on specificity, as far as that goes), or if they have, if they didn't really understand those expectations? Or, if they refuse to try and talk about any problems that might be occurring - and just up and threaten to leave the relationship if there is a slight problem, instead? If they haven't bothered to try to get to know their "partner", really? - Susan

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