sleazybutterfly
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mikal
quote:
ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
Are monogamous relationships between humans a natural choice or is it something that humans have been socialized that it is the right choice?
Imo, monogamy is natural - we, as a species, bond in pairs naturally as a norm. We want to be loved and adored; to feel that we are the ‘one and only’ to one person. Even in the poly households that I am familiar with (please keep in mind that this is only an observation - I am not poly myself, nor will I tolerate it in a partner, so I am naturally biased), each person of the household has one partner they prefer.
HOWEVER... monogamy does not always imply fidelity. A persons/couples definition if in/fidelity can be quite varied from one person/couple to another - it depends on cultural customs and personal belief systems. For example, in many European countries, it was expected and encouraged for a man to visit a prostitute when his wife was heavily pregnant an no longer ‘attractive’ or safe to have sex with (it was thought that sex would harm the baby). Another example is that some couples see nothing wrong with oral/anal sex with another person/couple, so long as no penile-vaginal intercourse takes place, while another couple may see having a lunch date with a person of the opposite sex as cheating.
On a personal note, I don’t see spanking, whipping, or generally playing with another person at a play party as cheating. But I have talked with others who do - both vanilla and rainbow. *shrugs*
As for monogamy being socially driven, meaning that some form of infidelity is more natural... there are many points for this theory:
In the Neolithic and Paleolithic time, men were the primary hunters and women the gatherers. For months at a time men were out hunting for meat to sustain their families, while women were at home gathering seed. In addition to gathering the edible seeds, women were out gathering semen. From a biological and evolutionary perspective, it makes sense to cheat; in addition to promoting the survival of the species, infidelity served
- As supplementary subsistence – by having multiple partners, a woman was assured of extra goods and services such as shelter and extra food. These afforded her more protection and better health, which enabled her children to survive.
- As an insurance policy - if a woman’s partner died or deserted home, she had another male already partially bonded to her to bring in to help with parental chores.
- As a genetic survival mechanism - if a woman had a partner who was inferior, physically unattractive, ill, or lazy, she stood to upgrade her genetic link by having children with a man with better genes. Also by having children with differing fathers, each child would be different so ensuring the likelihood that some of them would survive their changing environments.
Similarly, ancestral man was not only hunting for meat to sustain his family, he was also hunting for deposits for his semen. Man’s biological imperative is to have reproductive success. He needed to offload whenever opportunity arose to ensure the continuation of his genes. See Domiguy for more info.
Now, while these are valid points, we are no longer living in a time where physical strength and durability matter to our survival. Also, most cheating activities go on in secret - meaning that while it may be evolutionarily desirable, cheating has a negative impact on something (emotional/mental/whatever). Besides which, if infidelity is so natural and instinctive, why did monogamy show up in the first place? Why did it become a societal norm? (Rhetorical questions - I don’t expect an answer).
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For other animals who are monogamous with their mates does anyone know if science has done a study on how often those animals cheat on their mates?
Yep - some animals do cheat & ‘divorce’. Gibbons and swans have been shown to cheat and divorce one another. In Australian black swans, the cheating rate seems to be at about 16%, divorce around 6%. Other animals, such as wolves, haven’t been shown to cheat or divorce, but they don’t waste any time finding a new mate if the old one dies. Then there’s the prairie vole - the male will prefer to mate exclusively with the female he first has sex with... so much so that he’ll attack other females who get too close.
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The questions are asked on broad general terms for the species overall. I do know that for particular people monogamy may be desired over poly but is that a product of socialization over the centuries or because that is the way nature intended it?
Basically, it’s my opinion that for some people, monogamy is natural, desired, and needed. For others, poly in natural, desired, and needed. It depends on the people involved, and how they are hard-wired... just like wiitwd - some people will never understand because they are wired a different way, while others will be extreme in their needs/roles/what-have-you. Is it natural? For those involved, yes. For those not, no.
Sorry for the length. Extra brownie and cookie points if you managed to read through the whole thing!!! LOL 
hijack...
Do you have any idea how sexy you are?? 
[/hijack]
I think it probably has a bit to do with both. I don't find the idea of being poly bad anymore, though before I couldn't fathom it. I do know that sex is possible without love, something I didn't know in the past. I think I can love more than one person at once, maybe in different ways, or to different degrees. I think that people fill different roles in our lives, or take care of certain needs that aren't being met. Rather than expecting someone to fill everything, maybe it's better to find someone that holds that quality the other doesn't have. It seems that might put less pressure on each person to be perfect.
I don't know, but it is something I think about from time to time. In some ways the thought of not being with another at all the rest of my life is comforting, in others...it's just as scary.
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RE: Monogamy - Natural or Socialized - 
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