RE: Married subs

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LafayetteLady -> RE: Married subs (8/4/2007 2:53:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: camille65 I was one of those married women. My husband wasn't interested in sex much less interested in being the dominant partner. He could never have been a dominant. I married not realising the crucial difference between domineering and dominant. Kink to him, was anything other than the missionary position. Control was actually cruelty. I tried showing him books, talking about it. Roleplay (omg that freaked him out to no end), porn movies.. everything under the sun. Life became really really hard because I had no direction and no one to give me the boundaries I needed. I did the whole passive aggressive thing hoping he would discipline me or ask what I needed but that just mucked everything up more. I had NO right to try and turn him into what I needed because that simply is not a part of his being. So I stopped trying to alter our relationship into what I needed and fifteen years passed. Abuse became our only communication and I sucked it up, stayed silent. When I finally got around to the internet it was all waiting for me. The chatrooms with people that understood power exchange, the sites with bondage pics & stories. It totally horrified him the day he used my pc and saw my bookmarks. Most of it was pretty tame but to him it was sick. In his mind even chatting with someone platonically is warped. I found someone online who showed me what I was doing and told me that there are other paths in life. That it was up to me to dissolve what had turned into more of a roomate situation. That no, I wasn't some fucked up degenerate whore :( who needed a shrink for her twisted needs. My dom (online) was the one who made me see the doctors and get my health under control. He (this is part of the micro managing I've mentioned I need) made sure that I took care of myself in all ways. When my husband would switch my meds for his amusement it was R that helped me figure that out. When my husband made up entire conversations, saying that 'I just couldnt remember because of my fibro fog' it was R that kept me seeing the truth. There is a lot more, an awful lot of hell that doesn't matter now. But R walked me through my divorce and kept me strong. Next winter I will have belonged to him for 8 years. I'm moving to his area. Heh eventually. I'm still struggling to pull my house together. I do not regret stepping out of my marriage. Cheating on my husband. What ever words you want to use, I don't regret it. Living with him was sucking the life out of me and it wasn't fair that I needed something he simply could not give. Now it turns out we are the best of friends as people not married to each other. Dang this was a LOT more than I intended to write but it is such a small amount of words compared to the reality. In your case, it appears that you needed someone to help you realize that you needed to leave. That is quite different from the OP's original thought. Yes divorce is horribly difficult at times, but deceiving your spouse because they aren't meeting your needs? It seems that in most of these situations, there isn't a discussion of "this is what would make me happier". It is usually that the cheater doesn't, for whatever reason, feel able to discuss their desires with their partner, and instead takes the easy road and just seeks a "second" that will meet those needs. I have always lived by the idea that if you are unhappy with your situation, change it. But there are so many other complications with being involved with a married partner. A married sub can not be at the beck and call of her "master", because she has a whole other life that needs to be dealt with. If they are meeting in person, how are any potential marks explained? How can an unmarried sub trust a married dom? He has already proven that he will lie to obtain what he wants. He will certainly lie to the sub as well. As others have said, if you feel a need to hide something you are doing (and it isn't about Christmas shopping or birthday gifts), you KNOW you are doing something wrong.

MissIsis -> RE: Married subs (8/4/2007 4:48:55 AM)
In response to this question, "So my question is............ why get involed with a married Dom/Master? or is it just a online game ... or real life meeting game ? it only destroys marriages............." I would answer that the marriage is already destroyed, if we are talking about married people, whose spouses don't know. Why is it always assumed that the person that is having a relationship with the person who is married is the destroyer of that marriage? or why is it always assumed that the person who is having a relationship outside of that marriage is the destroyer of that marriage? Why is always assumed that the person who is not stepping out of the marriage is innocent? Again, if no attempt at meeting the needs of each other is being made, and someone feels they need to step out of that relationship to get those needs made, the communication is already broken down. The, lets work as a team to make this work mentality is broken down. The, we will put our own needs aside for now, so we can make each other happy is broken down. The selflessness of two people who loved each other is broken down. Any compromise for the good of the relationship is broken down. When all of the above is happening or has happened, what is left to destroy. The marriage is already destroyed. Who is really to blame? Could all the anger people experience over break-ups really be about the guilt the person is feeling & doesn't want to face the part they may have played on their partner or spouse stepping out? Why blame anyone anyway? What good does it to do to either party? It won't fix anything, or change what has happened. Why not either decide to fix it or move on, so both of you can have a chance to find happiness? I will leave out the staying together for the rest of the family. I don't think it does anyone around a destroyed marriage, any good to have to live with 2 people who can't teach them communication skills & compromise, let alone love, by their example.

sirsprincess -> RE: Married subs (8/4/2007 4:54:13 AM)
Ok, my point of view. Yes, I am a married sub, my Dom is NOT my husband. My husband knows of my Dom and would like to meet him, there is no issue on my husband's side at all. Yes, there are things that my Dom requires that I do for him that my husband doesn't know about, not because he would be upset, it's me -- I would be totally embarrassed! I told him that I am not comfortable telling him all that I have to do, hubby says he knows that and if it helps with this "kink" I have, that is fine with him. Hubby does spank me when I misbehave and will continue to do so (much to my dismay, don't like spankings, not into that), but I did not let this side of me out until recently and I have 2 children and am not planning on leaving him or my kids to satisfy this craving I have. So here's the catch. My Dom and I met for the afternoon a month or so ago, just for drinks. Hubby knew about it. It went great. I am so much better since working with my Dom, I don't drink caffeine, go to bed on time, my life is more organized etc. My husband can see that and he's happy with the results. He just recently told me it was cool if I wanted to meet with Dom for sessions, I told him that it would not include having sex, because that is not the basis of our D/s relationship. My husband says that if it does end in sex, as long as I tell him afterwards and not keep it a secret, that is fine. But now my Dom is hesitating meeting with me, he's concerned that what we do will affect my marriage. But honestly, NOT meeting is affecting my marriage. I crave this so much and just to even sit as his feet or ask permission in person would be such a thrill for me, but he's holding back until he's comfortable. I respect that, heck I don't have a choice, he dominates me! But it's so frustrating, hubby asks when I'm going to meet with him etc and I honestly don't know that we ever will and it drives me crazy! I probalby don't need to add that my husband is not totally 100% vanilla, we've swapped in the past and are looking to do that again. to be honest, his only issue with me meeting with my Dom is that he won't be there to video it. ha!

MHOO314 -> RE: Married subs (8/4/2007 10:40:34 AM)
*I have often posted in these threads, that married was married, end of story-however, on occasion something that we do not expect happens.*

blmtrsne -> RE: Married subs (8/4/2007 5:06:33 PM)
Don't know: my slave/husband is very attentive.

Zephyr46 -> RE: Married subs (8/4/2007 5:13:29 PM)
I am a married submissive. My wife is submissive also. Starting off our marriage as strictly vanilla, neither of us discovered this aspect hiding within us until quite a few years into our marriage. At first she sought a Dom and I tried to follow her into the lifestyle and "Fake" being dominant. It didn't work and I reverted to simply being a parent to our children. Eventually we reached an agreement that since she cannot meet all my needs nor I hers, we have each other's permission and encouragement to seek those who will fulfull our needs. In short, she has her Dom and I have been seeking a Domme who is comfortable with polyamory and can understand that I cannot be submissive to Her all the time... that my priorities still lie with wife and children first. Perhaps one day I will meet such a person. I remain hopeful.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Married subs (8/4/2007 8:12:57 PM)
For all of those who are "defending" what they are doing with the knowledge and consent of their spouse...any comments I make are not regarding your situation. Everyone has communicated with each other and reach a compromise of some type that everyone can be happy with. As I have said before, it is not something that would work for me, but as long as ALL parties involved are aware of everything and consenting, it is the "whatever floats your boat" kind of situation. MissIsis: I completely agree that the communication and pretty much everything else in a marriage where these things are done in secret (or my favorite term....discreetly) can be beyond repair. My point is that if you have tried everything and can't reach the compromise that so many here have posted about, then LEAVE. Do your best to part as amicably as possible and yes, each go search for the happiness and fufillment that we all deserve. I think the major problem with the married "doms" is that while they tell the "my wife doesn't understand me" story, it is nothing but a bunch of bullshit. They want to have their cake and eat it, too. The sub will ALWAYS come second to family obligations and be nothing more than a "dirty little secret". He will only be there to share in your joys and sadness when it doesn't interfere with his "other life", yet will expect you to be at his beck and call at all times because he is your "master" and you must sacrifice for his benefit. Again, my opinion is bullshit. If the sub is married and keeping the secret, she/he will never be full time for her/his master because she/he has another life that needs her/his attention and in order to maintain her/his secret, she/he certainly can't neglect her/his family (and if she/he DOES neglect her/his family, what kind of person is she/he?) In either case, this person has chosen to lie to their spouse and sneak around in order to meet their "needs". What do you think they will do when they decide YOU aren't meeting their needs? Be honest and tell you? I doubt it. What I have noticed with a couple of the women who "snuck" into this life behind their spouses back is that they needed someone to help them gain the strength to leave. THAT is a whole different subject. Many women will find this strength through a marriage counselor, but in essense, if you are in a marriage you need to leave and need help to become strong enough to do that, I see it as a different thing. For those who say how their spouse would call them a "whore" and take away their children...who says you need to give that much detail into why you want to end the marriage? Regardless of that, many states in the US are "no fault" divorce states and the Court is not permitted to hold your sexual preferences against you in the decisions regarding equitable distribution or custody unless they can prove that the children are present for these acts, which I would certainly hope is not the case.

YesMistressIrish -> RE: Married subs (8/4/2007 10:33:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Zephyr46 I am a married submissive. My wife is submissive also. Starting off our marriage as strictly vanilla, neither of us discovered this aspect hiding within us until quite a few years into our marriage. At first she sought a Dom and I tried to follow her into the lifestyle and "Fake" being dominant. It didn't work and I reverted to simply being a parent to our children. Eventually we reached an agreement that since she cannot meet all my needs nor I hers, we have each other's permission and encouragement to seek those who will fulfull our needs. In short, she has her Dom and I have been seeking a Domme who is comfortable with polyamory and can understand that I cannot be submissive to Her all the time... that my priorities still lie with wife and children first. Perhaps one day I will meet such a person. I remain hopeful. Don't give up! I understand where you are coming from and there are dommes out there like me who know you HAVE to be who you are and serve a domme. I have a sub, married, and he will stay married. They have 20 years of history, kids, grandkids, financial obligations and holdings. He has tried for all of these years to have her participate in a harmless and HOT foot fetish. She is Catholic and thinks it is 'dirty'. It totally turns her off. And, it totally turns me on, makes me hot, and I love to play with him. He is a beautiful sub, and that's all he will ever be to me, or I to him as his domme who satisfies what MUST be satisfied or he will go nutz. He has tried to talk to her about his need, and she ignores it, does not want to hear about it, and is disgusted by it. He does nice things for me. I feel appreciated and not used. We have a blast; he goes home, and we are friends. I respect his love for his family unit, and also respect his persistence in finding a domme who 'gets' him. Hehhehee Yum! *wiggles happy toes there are three types of men/women: those who would offer succor and aid; those who would prey upon them; and the most loathsome breed... those who would totally ignore their plight.

KiandPhoenix -> RE: Married subs (8/5/2007 1:34:05 AM)
I would not scene with someone who was married or otherwise involved. Recently I was doing scenes with a young lady who stayed with up a couple weeks. One morning she decided that she was canceling her divorce and moving back to her husband out of state. As there was no way I could speak with him regarding strapping his wife to the bed and doing all sorts of things to her, the scenes stopped altogether. I look at it this way. If they will lie to there husband/wife/whatever to do a scene with me, then I can not place my trust in them. ~Ki

denika -> RE: Married subs (8/5/2007 9:20:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady For all of those who are "defending" what they are doing with the knowledge and consent of their spouse...any comments I make are not regarding your situation. Everyone has communicated with each other and reach a compromise of some type that everyone can be happy with. As I have said before, it is not something that would work for me, but as long as ALL parties involved are aware of everything and consenting, it is the "whatever floats your boat" kind of situation. Thank you ;) From a happily married (17 years) submissive. We share no lies between us and he just doesn't share my kink so he supports me in my exploration of mine and has become close friends with my Top and his family, no one is excluded. As for those who hide it.. as many other threads have stated a lie is a lie and your spouse should be the one person in the world that you can always turn to and tell anything, if that is not the case there are bigger problems looming. denika

TankII7871 -> RE: Married subs (8/5/2007 6:15:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: biracalsub4wmDom TankII7871... when you say "wear that ring" do you mean be honest about it, or just don't get involved with it in the first place? Be honest about it. and the song by Tom T Hall Ode to a switchblade knife. In my case i once took a couple for training he wanted to be a Dom she a slave. after a couple of years He gave her to me. 7 years later she is still with me. I met him the same time i did her and it was always kept above board. (this is the short version) Eric

servantheart -> RE: Married subs (8/8/2007 9:16:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave quote: ORIGINAL: roland23 In the past three decades in the BDSm scene, I've encountered dozens of married female subs. That is, married subs whose husbands are too busy with their hectic careers and sports cars to notice that their wives have secret desires. How have people dealt with this? Im sorry but this is a bad excuse for cheating, they dont notise the SECRET desires, key word secret, how can anyone expect someone to know when its a secret.... i think its a case of they want there cake and eat it to, meaning they dont want to tell their husbands they want to be submissive but they want to get their sub needs met so they go els where. So they blame it on the husbands with that flimsy excuse so they can exuse their cheeting, but the truth is when you go back and read what you just wrote, it puts the blaim all on the wife as no one can be expect to know something that is kept a secret from them... saying "he didnt know my secret desires" is shooting yourself in the foot because in the same sentence you are useing to justafie cheating you are admiting you where keeping it a secret from him and there for he had no way of knowing. ms I can understand your point here, but what of married subs like me who have been sharing their desires with their husbands from the moment they realized they existed deep within themselves? What if they printed chat transcripts, introduced them to others within the lifestyle, sent them e-mails of group posts on various topics, suggested they attend local lifestyle events, discussed those desires till they were blue in the face and finally wrote them a letter from their hearts begging to be given the honor of kneeling at their feet as their slave? What if their husbands tried to be what they needed, but it turned out to be something the husband wasn't at all comfortable with? Some husbands just aren't dominant and can never own their wives the way they need to be owned. There are no easy answers to this question. I struggle with it myself on a daily basis. At times the guilt is incredibly overwhelming. I do not intend to be disrespectful in any way to anyone. I am just seeking my own answers and got into a bit of a rambling mode. Sincerely, Taryn [sm=confused.gif]

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