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Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:00:27 PM   
MissAidan


Posts: 208
Joined: 7/23/2007
Status: offline 		I have a scenario that I would like some input from others on.  A male sub (non live-in) knows that part of his serving his Domme is weekly cleaning.  The last time he did it, he half-assed it and left stains on the laundry that weren't there before.  He is punished for this.  When messeged regarding his coming over to clean the next week, he uses yellow, one of his safewords (as in green, yellow, red) and says that he has a splitting headache and has had a long day at work and asks if it can be put off for the weekend, when he knows full well that his cleaning is supposed to be done during the week.  What would you do in this situation?
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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:04:08 PM   
LadyInControl


Posts: 30
Joined: 11/28/2006
Status: offline 		Is this the first time he has done this?

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"Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life" ~Picasso


Love and Light

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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:04:43 PM   
SilkedGoddess


Posts: 4
Joined: 5/4/2005
Status: offline 		Dismiss his ass !

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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:11:36 PM   
MissAidan


Posts: 208
Joined: 7/23/2007
Status: offline 		Not the first time, no.

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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:14:00 PM   
LadyInControl


Posts: 30
Joined: 11/28/2006
Status: offline 		Oh, if not the first time, I would be done too.  
Of course, this is based on just the information you gave, and we don't know the full story or background.....


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°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°
"Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life" ~Picasso


Love and Light

°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o

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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:15:20 PM   
LadyInControl


Posts: 30
Joined: 11/28/2006
Status: offline 		...and I would just like to add, thanks for helping me get rid of that stupid ice cream cone that was by my name!  *cheers* 


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°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°
"Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life" ~Picasso


Love and Light

°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o

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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:22:15 PM   
MissAidan


Posts: 208
Joined: 7/23/2007
Status: offline 		Lol, my pleasure, I was glad to get rid of mine as well.  Sadly, this kind of behavior was the norm with him.  He has since been released, yes.  Guess I was just starting to have guilt pangs (I can be too damn nice sometimes) and wanted to see what others would do in that situation.

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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:24:25 PM   
LadyInControl


Posts: 30
Joined: 11/28/2006
Status: offline 		If this was the norm, then there should be no guilt on your part whatsoever!


_____________________________

°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°
"Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life" ~Picasso


Love and Light

°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o

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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:28:42 PM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline 		When he comes over on the weekend, sit him down and discuss what the issues are.  He could well be having some issues at work/home and needs time to deal with them, but even so, I would say calling a safeword is probably not the way to deal with that.  We're all human, and there are times when life intrudes on where we'd rather be spending our time.

It really depends on *what* he is to you.  If there's enough of the relationship there, perhaps clear communication and discussing parameters and expectations may smooth things over.  Alternatively, you may also feel he's more trouble than he's worth to you.

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Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:28:45 PM   
MissAidan


Posts: 208
Joined: 7/23/2007
Status: offline 		It's probably just pms...seriously, I am glad I don't have to deal with that anymore.  From now on, stupidity is a hard limit.

(in reply to LadyInControl)
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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:29:01 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Was when he messed up the only time he was disciplined? Is so I suggest he might have wanted the discipline more than he wanted to serve.I would talk to him and try and find out if that was so and if it was I would then provide regular discipline sessions to meet his needs.And withdraw then if he failed to do his chores.
If that didn't work I would dismiss him.

(in reply to MissAidan)
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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:30:19 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I would arrange a time to sit down with him face-to-face and tell him that you do not believe he is fulfilling his obligations in your contract.

Don't have a written contract? The sit down then is a good time to present on and negotiate on one.

If you do have a written contract, now would be the time to go over it again together. If either one of you can't fulfill it then you can negotiate a revision. Can't again on negotiations? Well, then you may not be keepers for each other.

The simple fact is that this is a consensual Ds relationship. Either you both fulfill your ends of the agreement or there is no Ds relationship. I know that sucks but life suck sometimes.

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:33:33 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Miss Aidan, i dont mean any disrespect Ma`am but surely a safeword should only be used during play, or else it loses its significance. i may call and asked if i could be excused duties as i was unwell but i would never use a safeword in such circumstances.

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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:33:39 PM   
LadyInControl


Posts: 30
Joined: 11/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAidan

It's probably just pms...seriously, I am glad I don't have to deal with that anymore.  From now on, stupidity is a hard limit.


LOL

_____________________________

°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°
"Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life" ~Picasso


Love and Light

°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o¤°¤o

(in reply to MissAidan)
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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:37:11 PM   
MissAidan


Posts: 208
Joined: 7/23/2007
Status: offline 		There was no contract, not written anyways.  Punishment for him was not pain or "discipline sessions".  I knew he liked it, therefore there was no reason to give him something he liked as punishment.  We had several long heart-to-heart talks about, and some times he would get better, others he would not.  In the end, he was more of a headache and problem than I needed or wanted.  It was a good learning experience, all things said and done. 

(in reply to thetammyjo)
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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:40:57 PM   
MissAidan


Posts: 208
Joined: 7/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Politesub53

Miss Aidan, i dont mean any disrespect Ma`am but surely a safeword should only be used during play, or else it loses its significance. i may call and asked if i could be excused duties as i was unwell but i would never use a safeword in such circumstances.



I agree, and I told him to do that the first time he "yellowed" on housework.  Guess the messege didn't get through.  When I first got him, all he knew about D/s was the play.  He seemed eager about actually serving and such, and I was happy about that.  However, things like this showed me that he saw the whole thing as a game, and he would be better off finding someone who just wants a playmate.  Someone, please, tell me not all male subs are as dense as he was!

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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:43:01 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAidan

There was no contract, not written anyways. Punishment for him was not pain or "discipline sessions". I knew he liked it, therefore there was no reason to give him something he liked as punishment. We had several long heart-to-heart talks about, and some times he would get better, others he would not. In the end, he was more of a headache and problem than I needed or wanted. It was a good learning experience, all things said and done.


May I politely suggest that you consider a written contract in the future?

I find them to be very useful for everyone concerned. It is very nice to have things in writing to refresh both memories and to use a practice if you are the sub -- you can practice your positions or chores on your own time if you know what you are supposed to do. More practice makes one more competent and comfortable doing the service I've found.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MissAidan)
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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:43:37 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Im afraid to say we are all a bit thick Ma`am. Hopefully he was really really dense in which case the rest of us can feel better about ourselves     

(in reply to MissAidan)
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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 4:46:54 PM   
MissAidan


Posts: 208
Joined: 7/23/2007
Status: offline 		I think he had just been shaving his head so long that the hair finally started growing in to his brain.  And yes, I agree that a contract could be a very good idea.  I'm open to any helpful tips in that area.  And for now, I think I am going to go with my first inclination and look for a female subby.

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RE: Safewords and excuses - 8/1/2007 7:23:54 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAidan
When messeged regarding his coming over to clean the next week, he uses yellow, one of his safewords (as in green, yellow, red) and says that he has a splitting headache and has had a long day at work and asks if it can be put off for the weekend, when he knows full well that his cleaning is supposed to be done during the week.  What would you do in this situation?


I don't think the scenario described in the text above is in itself a transgression because realities of life do occur. I find the use of safeword odd but I rely more on regular communication. His use of safeword may have been his way to say he wishes to discuss the matter outside the roles.

That there was a pattern of behavior paints the situation in a different color and your conclusion is likely the right one.

Regarding domestic service in general, I will add that domestic service is not as effortless a form of play as it might seem. From the submissive perspective, the fantasy and reality turn out to be very different and it requires some experience and awareness. From the perspective of the dominant, service usually requires enough participation from the dominant in one form or another to sustain the motivation to provide this service. Service can be done in a way that it provides energy to the dynamic or in a manner that sucks energy from the dynamic.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 8/1/2007 7:25:34 PM >

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