Who "should" initiate?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Who "should" initiate?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Who "should" initiate?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Who "should" initiate? - 8/1/2007 6:48:34 PM

curiousAngel40s

Posts: 6
Joined: 7/4/2007
Status: offline

I am still fairly new and sorting out some things. I have a question. Well I have MANY questions LOL but for now will just bother you all with this ONE!

I have thought that the Dominants should initiate contact. That intitiating contact would seem to be aggressive and not submissive. That submissives should be patient and not do the initial contacting.

Yet I recently read some posts from Doms who say they wont initiate. That they expect a submissive that is interested in them to do the initiating and contacting. That just seems so wrong to me! So now I am confused.

Is initiating aggessive and not proper, or is it expected if you are interested in a Dominant? Thank you for your help and replies.

Post #: 1

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/1/2007 6:51:58 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

There is no "should" when you are trying to apply it to everyone.

Some dominants will prefer to be contacted, others will prefer to do the contacting and then there are even others who don't have a preference either way.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to curiousAngel40s)

Post #: 2

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/1/2007 6:52:05 PM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

If his profile doesn't explicity state to NOT contact him, it's probably a good idea to speak up if you want him to notice you.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to curiousAngel40s)

Post #: 3

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/1/2007 6:53:57 PM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

Like almost everything in BDSM, there is no damn rulebok. Some people have strong feelings about this issue one way or the other, abd some like myself couldn't give a rat's ass.

I would suggest following your gut feelings on this. If you feel ok with contacting someone, do it, if not, wait to be contacted, knowing that will possibly lower your chance of connecting. If you are really grooving on someone, waiting for them to notice you, you might not get it.

_____________________________

True masters, true subs and slaves, X many years in the lifestyle, Old Guard this and High Protocol that--it's like a convention of D&D nerds were allowed to have sex once, and they decided to make a religion out of it.

(in reply to curiousAngel40s)

Post #: 4

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/1/2007 7:01:59 PM

PairOfDimes

Posts: 324
Joined: 7/20/2006
Status: offline

I don't mind it when submissives email me. I rather like it. I also don't think it's improper for a submissive to approach me in face-to-face contact.

Also, it's very, very possible that the object of your desire won't know that you're interested in him or her if you don't at least flirt. I've approached more than one person to express a desire to get better acquainted, and the object of my approach said, "Oh! I was thinking about doing that myself, and hoping you would!" Well, that's very sweet, dear, but, um, you could have given me some hint!

It's assertive, yes, and not *passive*, but passivity and submission aren't exactly the same things. For example, when you perform service, you're being active, and if you anticipate your dominant's desires, you're actually being aggressive in pursuit of serving. (Very practically, too, you're not apt to get what you want without asking for it!)

(in reply to curiousAngel40s)

Post #: 5

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/1/2007 7:09:45 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

Do what is right for you. Some doms want subs to contact them and do that work. Others agree with you. It's just a personal opinion.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to curiousAngel40s)

Post #: 6

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/1/2007 7:10:00 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Whatever works for you. Try going to a pansexual event and figuring out what orientation everyone is before saying hi to anyone- you'll never say anything and look really anti-social.

Everyone has to agree in the end, so who starts it tends to be rather irrelevant to me.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to PairOfDimes)

Post #: 7

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/1/2007 7:13:58 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I intiate often. I have subs contact me often as well. Either way works. If you are going to contact a Dominant first, make sure you have actally read what they are looking for, and dont cut and paste, which is one of our major gripes. You will get some interest, but a lot of the contact you will be getting wont necessarly be from parties that interest you. If you find someone interesting, say hi. Whats the worst that will happen? They wont respond and you wont be any worse off. Nothing ventured nothing lost...

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/1/2007 7:29:13 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

For what it's worth, this is 'my' you-knee-queue perspective.

I used to be on another similar site. I used to initiate contact a lot. Not much came of it. I drew a reasonable amount of attention for a guy, but many of those women were 'of a type' that I wasn't interested in.

I joined CM, and roundabout that same time decided I wanted to work on some personal things and not initiate. (I did a few times, but those were to women who averaged 100 responses a day. I 'might' be 'all that', but I don't do much to make it known.) I still received attention, probably more than my fair share, but I was too busy trying to accomplish my own things.

In March I received an email, and was reasonably close to dismissing it. Not ready. Maybe never, who knows. But I was more curious about this one than anyone before. In years. It turns out she didn't 'want' to initiate, but saw from my posts that I wasn't going to, so she gave it a shot. It's not like she kept up the pressure, the 'wooing'. Once I knew I was interested I did fairly well take over pacing the relationship.

This coming Sunday I'm moving to live with her. Because she initiated, and I was (thankfully) open-minded enough to hear what she had to say.

Roles, personas, what you wish to call them, have nothing to do with who 'zooms' who. It's about being ready and in the right place at the right time.

Being the right person helps a lot as well.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to curiousAngel40s)

Post #: 9

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/1/2007 7:47:30 PM

octavia

Posts: 377
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline

I'm a damn loud mouth. I initiate all the time.

The good news is... I am ok being a loud mouth and therefor those Dom's that I emailed who never responded, were not good fits anyway. Who knows why.. could be the loudmouth thing, the drama queen thing, the.....

The point is, be yourself and you will attract those people who like you.

PS. the "who's viewed me" feature here is a nice subtle way for someone to express interest if they happen to not be a loud mouth. People can tell who is visiting their profile...
every day...
or every...
hour.

< Message edited by octavia -- 8/1/2007 7:50:22 PM >

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 10

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/1/2007 9:05:17 PM

MasterJBK

Posts: 89
Joined: 3/7/2005
Status: offline

I prefer to be contacted but that is just me. I tend to get a long better with slaves that contact me. I seem desperate if i contact a slave.

(in reply to curiousAngel40s)

Post #: 11

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/1/2007 9:10:08 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

I almost never hit on a submissive, I let them come to me. I may lay the groundwork but for ME, it works much better to lure them in but let them step into the trap.

The problem with that approach is many women see that as passive but the ones I want, have enough experience to realize the forward ones are often the bdsm equivelent of bar flies and then they learn to look for other qualities. My woman contacted me, I would never have even sent her a message since she is normally a dominant.

(in reply to curiousAngel40s)

Post #: 12

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/1/2007 9:37:56 PM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

Add another one to the usually waits. I figure the women on here that interest me are already swamped with hundreds of offers and don't want to risk mine being tossed out with the rest of the messages. So I mostly figure when they get through with the deluge of messages, they'll either get around to my profile and be interested or I'll miss out.
Since I have the luxury of already having a slave, I can afford to use the wait and see what comes along.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 13

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/2/2007 3:56:49 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

I had to learn the hard way that taking the time and trouble to write sincere mail to a fem/sub of interest rarely even prompted a one word reply. And since I'm not currently looking, I don't bother anymore....

But if I were ISO, I'm equally comfortable about who initiates. To me, it's not about who's Dom or sub but that we're both mature adults probably seeking the same thing from our opposite perspectives. If I find you first, I'll write without expectation of a reply but if you find me, I *WILL* reply in a respectful and candid manner and we go from there. But you've gotta make more effort than a simple "hi"....

Focus.

(in reply to curiousAngel40s)

Post #: 14

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/2/2007 4:14:34 AM

SeeksOnlyOne

Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

i never initiate. i guess its because im a fat chick, and for so many thats an instant no way....so i wait to hear from the man.......at least then i know they have seen my pic and profile(in most cases lol).

i used to initiate contact, but found it frustrating to get back a nasty email about my weight....im happy and content, and working to get healthier, but it still got to me.

luckily, im patient, and figure things happen when its time for them to happen....in the mean time, i just keep on living and laughing....

good luck finding what you seek.....

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to curiousAngel40s)

Post #: 15

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/2/2007 5:28:10 AM

biracalsub4wmDom

Posts: 109
Joined: 7/26/2007
From: Illinois
Status: offline

this is a great thread for those of us who are new. thanks for starting this one curiousangel40s

_____________________________

blessings...

biracialsub

***Please respect that I am OWNED & not seeking a Master. Thank You***

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)

Post #: 16

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/2/2007 7:59:36 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

Count me in as one who it does not matter to. I have been contacted by submissives and I have contacted submissives initially. I actually find it flattering that someone has expressed an interest first.

(in reply to curiousAngel40s)

Post #: 17

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/2/2007 8:05:21 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I am an either or. I may initiate contact but not really with any intent of anything other than a hello. Usually because I have seen or read something I appreciate, not with any expectations of them falling at my feet. But then I don't have any great expectations of the internet anyway.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 18

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/2/2007 4:01:54 PM

grlneedstolearn

Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline

i prefer to contact Doms first

(in reply to curiousAngel40s)

Post #: 19

RE: Who "should" initiate? - 8/2/2007 6:41:33 PM

KiandPhoenix

Posts: 205
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline

As far as who should contact first though, remember that you are for all intents and purposes interviewing each other. Therefore they are not you dom/domme yet, and you don’t know there protocols. If they don’t want a message then they need to put it on there profile.
Some things else to note. I am new to this site, but have been on others. I do find that the longer the initial message the less likely I am to get a reply. When I was on a poly site I had a standard opening of two sentences, and got about a 90% reply rate. The long messages I wrote I got almost nothing. I found that if a message is long the recipient wont take time to read it. The short message just let them take a look at my profile, and if they were interested they would let me know. At that point it where 10 page e-mails started going back and forth. At one point I was chatting with more than ten people at the same time, mostly as friends. I only had 4 people ever contact me first.

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Who "should" initiate?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.109