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Question? - 8/4/2007 5:24:56 AM   
BIllCT


Posts: 160
Joined: 9/14/2004
Status: offline 		Ok, I have a situation I want to ask about!
I am divorced from my first wife and have two daughters in Pittsburgh. Pa who are now going to be 26 and 21 soon.
Here is the situation, my ex-wife is the victim of sexual molestation by her father as a child as is her three siblings.
When she told me she wanted a divorce I just gave her one and left as she asked me to, comming home to my home state.
Suddenly two years after I Left and came home, the cops come arrest me for a crime against my eldest daughter who was 6 when I left and is now 8 years old. A Crime I never committed of course.
The child I never got a chance to say goodbye to, because she was in school accussed me of sexual molestation or her two years after i left, becaus eof two things, 1) I had left without saying goodbye and she was angry and 2) Because she was living in a house fullof people discussing being sexually abused by their father and husband my ex-father inlaw.
Anyway, I went to trial and was cleared of all charges and released by the courts and came home again. When released the judge told me to not contatc my children till they were 16 years old or older to speak with them. I Obeyed his court order.
14 years rolled by till I did contact them, finally on the phone then eventually in person I have seen them both.
Now here is the question, I have been trying to get my eldest the 25 soon to be 26 year old to admit she lied on the stand like her mother did in court and to say just two word I'm Sorry. But she won't admit it or do so.
Any Advice ladies on how to make this now young woman who is my daughter admit and say I am sorry I lied so she can be forgiven and move on with life for both of us?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Question? - 8/4/2007 5:31:48 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Why worry about it?  It's over, move on.  She no doubt has blocked it out of her mind.   If it did happen..she has.  If it didn't she may not remember all of the details about it.  She was a small child.

Just move on from today.  Get to know her.  Be happy you have this time.

(in reply to BIllCT)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Question? - 8/4/2007 5:44:21 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Hi,

This is a really hard thing for you to read.  Your daughter didn't lie.  She was convinced it was the truth, by a parent.  The woman who lied, was your ex wife.  You absolutely must understand, that a child her age has no capacity to understand truth, when a parent is involved.  Trying to force her to believe you did not touch her, now, is not only pointless, but it perpetuates the damage.

Be a father.  Accept your ex was a viscious, angry woman.  Love your daughter, and just forgive her.  While your at it, forgive your ex.  Vengence in your heart has no more use than stones, and will kill you (or her) accordingly.  Revisiting these issues will only drive the wedge further between you.

Stephan


_____________________________

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Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Question? - 8/4/2007 6:19:07 AM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		This is too bad. I know your looking for some sort of release from this painful episode in your life, but I doubt your daughter will ever admit it. Like the others have said, its really up to you to be the bigger person here.

Maybe look at it this way. Your daughters are now in your life? Thats an admission of your innocence right there. Why dont you look at it like that? If not that, find something else to grab onto, that gives you the closure you still obviously need.  Im sure you can work thru it if you put your mind to how you want the endiong of it to be. Good luck my friend. Its not a small burden that you carry. 

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Question? - 8/4/2007 8:20:04 AM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		Man that is fucking heavy.

I have a question, are you bringing up the subject and she is what ? refusing to talk about it ? or does she claim you really did it ?

As a Father I think I would be more concerned about the daughter's grip on reality rather than extracting an empty apology. When someone truly apologizes for something it is because they want to, that they "feel" they should, that they know they wronged you.

And then you got this situation that is bent totally out of fucking shape, because you want to forgive an adult for something they did as a child. It seems your forgivness is already there, but you want something in the way of a confirmation from her. I can understand that, but you can't always get what you want.

And I don't even want to get into what the courts did. If you weren't convicted you should have all your rights, to see and interact with the children. Of course you're not a Terminator, but I'll tell you this much, as soon as the lawyers drained my pockets for the defense against this farce, I would immediately get more money and go to court to get custody, full time, non-joint custody of the children. She is an unfit Mother.

But of course our legal system doesn't think teaching kids to lie is bad. After all they do it all the time. What a shame.

If you are simply seeking an empty verbal apology, you are an ass, but I think it is something more. It has to do with reality and the kid's grasp of it. In that spirit I am with you. In that light I say this :

I use this on people in real life and it works. Withold yourself. Withold your affection, conversation, everything. Remember this is not to get an apology, this is to make her wake up and realize what she did. And also it is up to you to decide how important it is that she repent for something she did when she was eight. But then reality is reality.

And I also think that one must look inside one's self before going on to right others. If you have forgiven her, why do you need an apology ? I realize you probably spent ten or twenty grand defending the case, that your name was wrecked for a while, and I wonder if you even have credit to this day. These things are devastating, but you also have to realize that she didn't do it. Legal costs are caused by the government, and the whole damn thing got started by your ex. So keep that in mind.

You really know how to pick em, like a couple of friends of mine. You think you got a bad one ? I know one guy who's ex was connected, he was told there was a restraining order on him, then she filed on grounds of abandonment. There was no restraining order.

Anyway, perhaps cause and effect. "I'd buy you that car if I hadn't been ruined by a certain court case years ago" or something like that. As a Father I think you want your offspring to be well grounded in reality, and shit happened. This is part of both of your history.

And I think it is a damn shame that when you are exonerated they order you to have no contact. I would've told them to fuck off. But that's me.

Good luck whatever you decide.

T

(in reply to sophia37)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Question? - 8/4/2007 8:26:14 AM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		Sorry if I sound harsh; I empathise with your plight. Why, however, did you feel the need to talk about this on a BDSM forum? It doesn't strike me as the most adequate place to post your concerns.

Have you looked online for other forum boards that would be able to provide you with useful legal and emotional advice?

_____________________________



(in reply to BIllCT)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Question? - 8/4/2007 8:30:50 AM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BIllCT

Any Advice ladies on how to make this now young woman...



Make this young woman?

She is an adult, you cannot really "make" her do anything.

Additionally, if you want to build a relationship with her today, forcing her to relive something in her past she may not remember or if she does has mixed feelings about may end the relationship you have today.

If it were me, I would simply express my feelings on the matter and do my best to learn to move on.  The past is dead, BIllCT, tomorrow may never happen, what you have is today.  What is important is what you do with the time you have been given.

Good luck,

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

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(in reply to BIllCT)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Question? - 8/4/2007 8:50:57 AM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		Sexual abuse, such as molestation, from the girls I know today, seems to be rather common.  Most of the younger girls I know in this "lifestyle" claim to have been.  Some seem quite sincere.  Some.. well, you do wonder at times.

One thing I have noticed, though.. such girls will not give up on their claims, despite years having passed and orginial reason for the lie being moot.

On a more.. general note.. I feel that people who have lived a lie for many years likely have it ingrained in them.  They may even believe it to be true.  I don't see any admissions of guilt coming through here.

Still, sorry to hear it, and good luck.

(in reply to BIllCT)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Question? - 8/4/2007 8:51:06 AM   
dovie


Posts: 1211
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BIllCT

Any Advice ladies on how to make this now young woman who is my daughter admit and say I am sorry I lied so she can be forgiven and move on with life for both of us?


Agrees with kittinSol on this one. The above quote is enough to squick me out. As if the "Gentlemen" on this board couldn't offer sound advice. Agrees with Sinergy too; "make her?" 

edited to prevent a Mod visit.

< Message edited by dovie -- 8/4/2007 8:54:04 AM >

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(in reply to BIllCT)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Question? - 8/4/2007 8:51:33 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Forgive and move on.  She was very young and had no real understanding of what was going on or what it would cause. 

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Question? - 8/4/2007 8:52:37 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Any Advice ladies on how to make this now young woman who is my daughter admit and say I am sorry I lied so she can be forgiven and move on with life for both of us?


It is possible that she does not feel the need for your forgiveness.
You are the one who neeeds to move on.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to BIllCT)
Profile   Post #: 11
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