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Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 8/4/2007 10:37:26 AM   
WhipSwitch


Posts: 17
Joined: 7/29/2007
From: Central Connecticut
Status: offline 		Hello,

I am interested in exploring and deepening my Dominant side. For quite a while, my participation in BDSM was purely from a Top/Bottom view point, involving play with rope, restraints, whips, and paddles. I am finding that I do have a desire for a more overarching dominance, and one that emanates from my very demeanor. Thus, I am here to ask other Dominants about their start down this path.

I understand this is a very subjective and individual concept. Some of us were always dominant, always leading. Others, I'm sure, discovered their desire quite by accident. I seek some ideas on how one improves their own attitudes and their abilities to identify the people around them who are likely submissive. Is it all about supreme self confidence? A sense of "I know what I want, and I expect to get it"? Is it a completely unconscious set of mannerisms or something you practiced?

I know women who turned out to be submissives who said they knew within a few moments of meeting me that I am Dominant, this in the everyday world when I was not even thinking about myself as a Dominant, just going about my mundane business. I want to understand this more fully.

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 8/4/2007 11:16:01 AM   
PairOfDimes


Posts: 324
Joined: 7/20/2006
Status: offline 		Think about how you express confidence, leadership, or "command presence" in other arenas. Do you chair meetings, teach, or work in a security or law enforcement capacity? Books and webpages written for people in those fields about developing authority might be helpful, even if it's not your job. People who speak clearly and decisively, using complete sentences that don't go "up" in intonation at the end and avoiding vocal pauses like "um," and "er," are perceived as more confident. Stand up straight! Posture helps. Look people in the eye. Please don't posture--less is more.

Some things were intuitive for me, others were an issue of figuring out what others perceive as dominant behavior and then enacting those behaviors in order to express myself properly. Just like in order to best communicate anything--compassion, politeness, deference--it's necessary to figure out what signals the thing you want to communicate, so too with dominance (BDSM or otherwise).

(in reply to WhipSwitch)
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RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 8/4/2007 11:36:44 AM   
StrictlyPandora


Posts: 4
Joined: 7/15/2007
Status: offline 		Well spoken, PairofDimes.

Also, paradoxically, humility is an important internal attribute to retain on your Dominant travels. Nobody is so innately skilled or experienced that they cannot learn more, and many submissives are quite intelligent and helpful. They need the containment a Dominant's confidence, strength, and control provides; they can provide a wealth of services, adoration, amusement, and education in their own right.

_____________________________

Name not the well from which you will never drink.

(in reply to PairOfDimes)
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RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 8/4/2007 12:45:04 PM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline 		Just remember self confidence is not arrogance.  I believe (my POV) a woman of substance who has the strength to submit has a beamer out for arrogance.
 
To lead and guide and direct, one must be willing to be lead, guided and directed.
 
Develope a sense of honesty and trustworthiness and loyalty to whom you are and to/for others.  Without it, your worth is only as good as your spoken truth.
 
A bully is not a dominant but many dominants are bullies.
 
 
Sir's girl, who was told this by her Sir. 

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to StrictlyPandora)
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RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 8/4/2007 4:02:49 PM   
WhipSwitch


Posts: 17
Joined: 7/29/2007
From: Central Connecticut
Status: offline 		This is useful information everybody, thanks, keep it coming. Some of this is confirming what I already know. I particularly like PairOfDime's specific behavioral examples.

(in reply to shyinini)
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RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 8/4/2007 4:22:53 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It's exactly the same as a good person attitude- who happens to prefer having the final say on things.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to WhipSwitch)
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RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 11/25/2007 11:47:45 AM   
subjpn001


Posts: 6
Joined: 7/2/2005
Status: offline
very good. but too mean to block sub.

(in reply to shyinini)
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RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 11/25/2007 12:03:48 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		It isn't about developing self confidence as some sort of blanket emotion.  It is about recognizing that you aren't perfect and neither is anyone else.  It is about knowing what you are and are not good at and making peace with that.  It is about looking inward and improving yourself so you are  better man today than you were yesterday and knowing you will be an even better man tomorrow.

It is about being confident with who and what  you are despite being in a room full of amazing dominants and instead of feeling threatened by them knowing that you can learn from all of them, some by doing what they do and of course learning not to do what some of them do.

It isn't about chest thumping, it isn't about barking orders, it isn't about driving the fastest/tallest/most expensive car or having the most floggers, it is ultimately about being you as uniquely as you can.

(in reply to subjpn001)
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RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 11/25/2007 12:08:38 PM   
Kirren


Posts: 580
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline 		I started as a sub, and have always and will always maintain that a good Domme or Dom will in fact see things from the submissive stand point. Maybe they werent a sub to begin with, but I think it is good to at some point experience things from that veiw. The reason being, is that the submissive mind and body go thru SO many changes in feeling and emotion, that you have to feel it in order to fully understand and be able to provide for adequate after care and emotional support in your travels together.
Maybe Im way off base, and thats okay too.

I think it is also important for any Domme/Dom to know that they DO NOT know EVERYTHING. We are not supreme rulers of the universe, we are not all powerful gods, and we can not always understand why things are the way that they are. At the risk of sounding cliche, knowledge is power, and the second you stop learning is the second you cave into ignorance. I have learned a great deal from subs, and slaves, and I hope I continue to do so. 

I think that the thing about a good Dominant attitude is to be open, honest and understanding. Same basic principals of being a good person, as has already been stated. Ive seen some Dominants that have slaves, who are well trained, and perfect by most standards, and yet these people are NEVER satisfied...they dont listen to anything that they slave says, and in fact view them as nothing more than an inanimate object to toss around and leave laying. Yes, I know that is a fetish, and it is something that many love and want to experience, but realisitically, every person needs some form of emotional support. They need some one to listen and to relate to. Again, I could be wrong.

This life style is not "cookie cutter" There are sooo many different ways of doing things, and so many different aspects, (which is one of the reasons that carrying on a conversation on the boards is hard) but I also think that makes it easier to taylor the way you live, and the way YOU do things for your specific needs. Its customizable...(is that a word?lol...) anyway...I think you have a good basis...just reading what you have written, yet I could, and again, be wrong.

_____________________________

Everything has been said before
There's nothing left to say anymore
When it's all the same
You can ask for it by name


Did I fail to mention...I am a BITCH?

(in reply to subjpn001)
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RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 11/25/2007 12:15:24 PM   
SirJohnMandevill


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipSwitch
I am interested in exploring and deepening my Dominant side. For quite a while, my participation in BDSM was purely from a Top/Bottom view point, involving play with rope, restraints, whips, and paddles. I am finding that I do have a desire for a more overarching dominance, and one that emanates from my very demeanor.


Hmmmm. I'm tuned into this thread, too. I even said in my first CM profile that I was a "bedroom Dom." I've come to realize there's so much more that I crave this lifestyle.

As the man said, keep the opinions coming!

Les (Purveyor of Fine Kinkiness since...well, for a long, lomg time.) 



_____________________________

Iam an eroticist
I am a fully eroticized being
No more neuroses
I found my strip naked soul soup
With the deviant ingredient
---The B-52s

(in reply to WhipSwitch)
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RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 11/25/2007 7:52:28 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		Don't fall trap to beleiving the bullshit that if exerting control and being an authority figure in an interpersonal relationship don't come 100% completely natural then it's not meant to be.

If desire is present, then the rest is experience with submissive people who will allow those aspects of you to come out freely, exposing yourself to other dominant people in relationships, asking advice, and learning. It takes time to grow and change and make the possibility an actuality.

One day, you'll look back and find yourself to be a different person then you were before.

Hopefully you will like it. I love it


< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 11/25/2007 7:53:38 PM >

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to WhipSwitch)
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RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 11/25/2007 9:31:41 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Find people who say things that resonate with you...then LISTEN. Get out into your local community. Go to national events. Go to special events/training. There are even training Academies (legit ones!). When you're not doing that, read. Read about the dynamic, read about understanding yourself and others. Work on making yourself a more enlightened person. Along that path, you'll find the ones who are supposed to be with you.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to WhipSwitch)
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RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 11/25/2007 10:29:17 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Stay yourself. Once you try to figure out what a sub is looking for and try to be that, you are dead. If you are true to yourself, you will attract the right person.

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to WhipSwitch)
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RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 11/26/2007 7:44:23 AM   
Vanatru


Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline 		I will second what Estring said: be true to yourself. decide what YOU want and how much and how far. Educate yourself on what's available as in what Fire posted. But do these things to follow your own bliss, not because it's a suggestion for you from someone else.

I was first introduced to BDSM by a sub that asserted I was a dominant, so I went with her looking, and she almost immediately started wanting to make me into something SHE wanted. As it turns out, I agreed that I fit in the lifestyle, but I definitely had my own ideas of what I wanted. The first thing I did was get to know the people, then I picked out 4 dominants I trusted and had them mentor me. It helped me skip a whole lotta BS.

(in reply to Estring)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 12/27/2007 6:29:54 PM   
WhipSwitch


Posts: 17
Joined: 7/29/2007
From: Central Connecticut
Status: offline 		Hello again everyone. I'm keeping up with the thread, and appreciate the advice. I am learning more about my own needs, though I find that I am not particularly active in this area just now. When I am with someone I know is BDSM aware, I take pleasure in being assertive, though not commanding (at least not yet). I very much enjoy when I receive service (massage, dinner, whatever), especially when I order it, and always make my pleasure known and seek to reward her for it.

I'm fairly confident that I am not in danger of becoming cocky or deciding I know it all. I'm more concerned about my tendency to hold myself back. The more I explore this, the more I understand why I hold back. I am over cautious, and am learning how to recognize it and overcome it. Confidence comes with "doing", and I did quite a bit through October, and almost none at all in the last two months. I will soon dive in again ;)

(in reply to Vanatru)
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RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 12/27/2007 7:36:20 PM   
Chromedragon


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/28/2005
Status: offline 		please bear with me this will actualy be my first post on these forums after being a member here for some time.
The learning curve can be steep and nerve wracking for finding that balence between assertive going to far and just being an ass. I found that both long discussions with your sub/slave helps a lot. Being a dom 24x7 can be very mentally taxing especially if your career is a bit contradictory. I am a professional Telephone Support rep for high tech companies. The job in a nut shell is you are paid to listen to people complain, whine and inform you that your product is nonfunctional or inferior or just broke. While you have to maintain control of calls and situations regularly you are and will always be at the mercy of the customers and there whims so ineffet you are there subby. Kind of twisted i know but its how i view it. When im talking to my sub/slave we have normal convesations and we talk about all kinds of topics when we cross into BDSM topics she minds her manners and i let somethings slide but for the most part i keep her in line verbally etc. I of the two of us am the least experienced in the D/s lifestyle but have taken to it like a duck to water according to her. I have learned alot from her by talking listening and observing her behavior during play and how she reacts to me in general. I have my on fetishes as does she. We indulge each others fantasies etc. I enjoyed reading "the loving dom" its a good book and while it discusses things at times a bit impericly such as saftey and general typses of play rules i found the book enlighting.  One comment i can make is that if you find a subbie that is a bit of a pain slut you will have a real challenge diciplining them as spankings are just more foreplay.  I find that when talking to a subbie if you simply treat them like a normal human and ask as many questions about limits and favorites  and preferences that you can learn enough to  be able to properly recive there gift of submission. I think i have rambled enough here I hope you found this helpful.

Chrome

(in reply to WhipSwitch)
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RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 12/27/2007 10:23:49 PM   
Rushemery


Posts: 310
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline 		its fun to be cocky,  practice what you preach, listen to other people before you make a hard decision and then stick to it. protect the people around you, hold yourself to a higher standard, lead by example. treat people respectfully at least until they cross a line but that last is just how I feel

(in reply to Chromedragon)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 12/28/2007 7:52:34 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Get your own ducks in a row first.

Meaning you can't decide to put her on a diet and exercise regime if you're a couch potato. You can't decide to have her change careers if you are looking for a new job every six months.

You have to be in control of yourself first, in order to be someone trustworthy to control someone else. This doesn't mean you need to fill out your own tax forms, but that you take them to a reputable accountant and make sure they're in on time. If you aren't willing to accept the responsibility, then don't take the control. You will make mistakes, and you will have to be the one to make things right afterwards.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Rushemery)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 12/28/2007 7:42:37 PM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

It is about being confident with who and what you are despite being in a room full of amazing dominants and instead of feeling threatened by them knowing that you can learn from all of them, some by doing what they do and of course learning not to do what some of them do.


Along the same lines -- somewhere there is a line between learning what you need from others and blindly following along in an effort to conform and fit in. IMO, you can fit in best by being an individual while absorbing the parts that work for you while NOT "submitting" to the norm just to fit in.


_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Cultivating a good dominant attitude - 1/1/2008 10:49:32 PM   
dogobedience


Posts: 536
Joined: 3/30/2006
Status: offline 		You can't change who you are. You can learn phrases, postures, ect and become a GREAT ACTOR. But if you do not have the inner burning desire to lead then you will always be searching for more, To explore better methods is one thing . To seek out how to be "more of a dom" is just an act.

Now the good part, few will ever care, the girl wants to be lead. She will tell you by her actions and emotions how to take her.The sad thing is if she is ever around one with inner strength.......she will melt and never be the same..Few will ever get that chance.

So be happy and have all the kinky sex you can it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

_____________________________

I start and/or reply to posts to further my abilities and share my experiences in this fantastic lifestyle.

I hope I am an intellectual instigator, making people think and or laugh and nothing more.

Tiger, proud owner of kali aka Tigerproperty

(in reply to WhipSwitch)
Profile   Post #: 20
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