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RE: Pressure to share? - 8/5/2007 9:10:37 AM

Jinger

Posts: 347
Joined: 1/7/2007
From: Rochester
Status: offline

"When I explain this to some, I have been told its a selfish thought and not conducive to being a submissive. That the focus of the submissive is to please the Dominant. "

Humbug!

There are a lot of expectations imposed on submissives, like a lot. But then again, there are a lot of dominants too. So while SOME people might say it's selfish to want to be treated like a person and not simply a sexual object...SOME Dommes/Doms actually take into consideration that the relationship portion of a D/S relationship is actually more important than the D/Sing.

I'm old fashioned, I also require a lot of attention and I'd definitely start getting really jealous if I wasn't enough for my Domme/Dom.

However I could see myself entering a relationship with a Domme who already has submissives. Might be sexy, who knows?
...

Point is, different strokes for different folks. That is simply the golden rule of BDSM in my opinion.

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 21

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/5/2007 9:20:40 AM

umisprite

Posts: 132
Joined: 6/16/2007
Status: offline

If sharing is something you can't or won't do then don't. It does not make you any less submissive. It makes you self-aware.

I'm not a sharer either. I am at my wonderfully submissive best when I know I am his one and only. I can focus all my attention on him. I feel free to open up when I know he is really paying attention. And I don't feel selfish at all about that.

I do give a lot of credit to people who are honest about what they want right up front. If someone enjoys multiple partners and says so at the gitgo it allows you to make the decision to participate or not. It's those who conceal their true motives, lie and cheat to get what they want...those are the ones I would call selfish.

< Message edited by umisprite -- 8/5/2007 9:22:02 AM >

_____________________________

My mistakes are neither pretty nor little.

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 22

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/5/2007 1:24:15 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

My perspective may be a little different than what has been shared here, but here goes. I am an owned slave, therefore my Master owns me, I do not own him. Therefore there is nothing for me to share or not share, as I have no possession of him.

However, this does not mean it was easy for me in the beginning, to know there would be others. It wasn't. But it was up to me to decide if I wanted to tear down that wall of mine or not. I chose to do so, and I have. You may choose not to, and that of course is your perogative. It's about learning who you are and what you can give, and what you can not. For me, I needed to be his slave more than I needed to be his monogamous slave. Neither is better or worse; being true to yourself is what's important.

(in reply to suggababy23)

Post #: 23

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/5/2007 2:15:41 PM

Kartusch

Posts: 12
Joined: 5/25/2007
Status: offline

I tend to feel like a real hypocrite on this subject. I am polyamrous, which I am finding here means less what it does in my circle of friends, and way more of a form of polygyny than it does anything else. I am seeking a primary in a partner here, so I would prefer if he did not already have a primary. Due to me listing the polyamory on my profile I get namely men already attached that seek me to be monogamous to them.(why when I state repetitively that I am not seeking monogamy ??) That is just not what I am looking for. I ,being me, feel bad for possibly misleading them, and I see the totally hypocrisy in what I want. I have no objection to sharing and of a partner having other partners, just not already established serious ones. I am looking for someone that is not already emotionally taken by someone else in a full time way. I have too much on my plate to invest in someone that is already invested in someone else. Selfish? I guess so...un-submissive? I can't imagine how having preferences in a mate undoes my submissiveness.

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Kartusch
"When the child was a child It walked with its arms swinging, wanted the brook to be a river, the river to be a torrent, and this puddle to be the sea. When the child was a child, it didn’t know that it was a child, everything was soulful."

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 24

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/5/2007 2:22:30 PM

PairOfDimes

Posts: 324
Joined: 7/20/2006
Status: offline

It is a selfish thought. It isn't conducive to entirely dedicating yourself to serving and pleasing another. It's not a particularly submissive thought.

However, that's okay, and you still get to be a submissive even if every single thought of yours isn't self-sacrificing. Submitting, I think, means that you have a need/want to obey, to serve, to please, something like that. That doesn't mean that it's your *only* need or want, or the only thing you require for compatibility. Indeed, it's very, very rare in my experience to find someone who accurately describes his or her needs and desires who claims that in a relationship, she or he wants only to please his or her partner, nothing else. Many people want *primarily* to please their partners, and they have a few other things they want, too.

(in reply to suggababy23)

Post #: 25

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/5/2007 2:45:10 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
For me, I needed to be his slave more than I needed to be his monogamous slave.

I realized this correction after it was too late to edit. This should read I needed to be his slave more than I needed to be his only slave. I am monogomous to him, and serve no other.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 26

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/5/2007 4:58:44 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

You're either poly or you're not. Bein forced into poly will make the person being forced miserable. We're in this lifestyle because it makes us happy. So, if it will make your life unhappy don't do it.

And honestly, when ever someone told me I was "unsubmissive" or "selfish" or "not a true" or "not a real".....I just went "Yup" and moved on.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 27

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/5/2007 4:59:51 PM

KiandPhoenix

Posts: 205
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline

It is true that poly relationships are more common then not in BDSM circles , but just because thats what everyone eles is doing dosn't mean you have to. If a mono relationship is what your looking for then don't let yourself get pressured into doing something that isn't going tomake you happy or worse somthing that you really regret later.
In my opinion a large part of BDSM is about pleasing your Dom by showing your love, devotion, and respect though service and obeydeance. So if your in a relationship that dosn't make you happy how are you supposed to make your Dom happy.
It takes time, somtimes a long time to find someone you work well with and have the same wants and goals in a relationship. It took me years to find a good Dom , but it was well worth the wait and getting to serve him truly brightens my life.

~phoenix

(in reply to suggababy23)

Post #: 28

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/5/2007 8:37:28 PM

littlebitxxx

Posts: 732
Status: offline

This life choice is so free that it can be whatever two people make it. Just because someone doesn't like to be in a poly household doesn't mean they are not real or true or natural or any of the other labels that seem to fly around.

I was collared with a sister sub and Master viewed us as two different individuals, as he should. She decided she didn't like the treatment I was getting because she was getting something different.  I ended up on the receiving end of petty jealousy and childish spitefulness...sibling rivalry to the max. It was part of why I begged my release.

I was in the discovery period with a new Master when his already established slave decided to let loose the green-eyed monster.  I happened to be in the same vicinity as him and she was in a different province and she felt left out.

Both those situations helped me decide that poly was not for me, even though they were situations that could have been fixed by the Master. I posted on my profile from the very beginning that I would not join a harem or family.

I met a wonderful man here on CM that was already in a poly situation. He knew from the beginning my concerns, I brought them up early so as not to give even a shade of dishonesty to our conversations. We had talked as friends for 8 months before thinking there may be something deeper there. He thought long and hard about it and made a decision. I don't give ultimatums, they are not fair, but he did take my concerns into account...he acted as a responsible Master should.   He released his other girl before even coming to me about exploring something we may have together. She took it badly and not only tried to smear him, and continues to do so over a month later, but went so far as to email me and some of his friends with her bitter words citing emotional abuse. All that did was cement in his mind that he did the right thing...chances are she would have pulled this on her sister subs and totally wreaked havoc in the life of the one person she was beholden to 'serve and please'...and cement in my mind the whole reason I can't do poly.

People that can honestly have poly houses work for them have my utmost admiration and respect. People that are honest within themselves and to others and stay away from poly houses also have my utmost admiration and respect. "It's their kink, live and let live" is a good standard to live by.

Love and light,
sage

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to KiandPhoenix)

Post #: 29

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/5/2007 9:22:15 PM

slaverosebeauty

Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic
In my humble opinion, they can pressure all they want. i never learned to share in kindergarten and 45 years later, it still holds true.

Sharing is NOT always a good thing; I can list several examples, I won't because its not neccessary, or at least, it should not be. Partners falls into that catagory for me.

IF someone pressured me, they would see a side of me that they would regret pissing off, lol. I can be a viper when provoked.

_____________________________

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"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 30

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/5/2007 9:28:07 PM

DollysSissyGirl

Posts: 27
Joined: 7/16/2007
Status: offline

My Owner made it clear in the beginning that being Hers meant A through Z.
Things get hard once in a while but with proper training, I get used to it.
It's not always supposed to be fun and easy.
It was always my choice to take it or leave it.
I take it and love it because at the end of the day, Her happiness is mine ten times over.

_____________________________

m i s t r e s s d o l l y . c o m

(in reply to suggababy23)

Post #: 31

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/6/2007 12:34:22 AM

girlygurl

Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline

wow! Y/you mean to tell me that it's ok to be "not ok" with sharing my Sir? and i thought i was being a bad submissive for feeling this way. He has always been honest about His other sub/slaves... He hasn't pressured me so to speak... but He's made it clear that it's not going to change. now, if i hadn't fallen in love with Him i could have found it easier to say good bye, but the thought of not being His is much worse than knowing He finds pleasure with others.

thank you suggababy for the thread! communication like this is why i came to collarme!

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 32

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/6/2007 1:44:14 AM

heartcream

Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline

in january i met a man on lavalife and he told me he was single and honest and would not hurt me. he told me his name, middle name and last name. he told me where he lived and worked.

on july 1st i found out he is married, lives in another part of town, has a son, works somewhere else and has a different name.

he knew i would not go wif him if he were married. i personally dont do married men. i felt so bad cuz now i had done a married man, he tricked me.

since i came here exploring in may, i have found that pushy guys fall off when they dont get wut they want. which is fine by me. i desire to find someone who give a shite about me and would not hurt me. when a guy demands i cam immediately or wutever, my red ligths go off and i figure this guy will move on too.

about the poly thing. it is not for me. i am looking for one-on-One. if i cant find it i have one-on-me, lol, and feel okay about it.

i cannot force myself to override myself in favor of another. i give freely when i give, there is plenty to give when i am feeling safe and sure of wut i am doin. the more i stick wif my own feelings the more i see patterns in the sorts of men that this is not okay wif. it is okay, i dont want them either.

_____________________________

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I'd Rather Be With You

Every single line means something.
Jean-Michel Basquiat

(in reply to girlygurl)

Post #: 33

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/6/2007 1:56:55 AM

shyboy66

Posts: 7
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

Been there too... i met a Domme online a few years back. When W/we first spoke She had a male and female sub - both of whom later ostensibly left Her. W/we met in person a little later and it lead to me being collared. Not long after that i found She'd never released Her other male sub - just toned things down because he was married. She saw nothing wrong in that despite the fact i'd said from day 1 that i was looking for a One-on-one relationship..

It seems to be par for the course - particularly for hetero male subs - we're the largest population in the D/s world and Dommes are the smallest, so many a male sub will share because ( to them, certainly not me ) - it's better than being without a Mistress.

shyboy

(in reply to suggababy23)

Post #: 34

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/6/2007 2:06:38 AM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

We expect our boys to share .... but we are totally up front about it. If it's not for someone, then that's fine with us as long as they don't expect us to change. I'd much rather talk to someone who says "you know, I don't think poly is for me" than end up with someone who ends up miserable over it.

_____________________________

Miss Karen and Miss Holly

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Friends are God's apology for relatives

(in reply to shyboy66)

Post #: 35

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/6/2007 3:39:30 AM

Cyntilating

Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline

Suggababy

...You sound like someone who knows what she wants in a relationship and I agree with Cuddleheart> do not settle and do not let others guilt you into it with their views of what is right or wrong.....only we can define what is "right or wrong" for us..not others.
...I had the same "comments and judgements" tossed at me, but for the opposite reasons as yours...
I WAS looking for a poly situation..and did not want a 24/7 live in situation.. (for my own personal reasons back then that existed and that were important to me )...well I was told, like you have been , all that "proper or real sub" crappola... ppppffft I say
...point is, there are always going to be those few that cast judgements that seem to have the loudest voices at times and seem to think their way is the "only" way . Listen to your own voice and heart...: )
I'm sure it does seem that what you are "finding" is the opposite of what you're looking for> most people on here will probably tell you similar happened to them ( including me).. >Like panning for gold, what is first scooped up and apparent is the gravel and the sand, takes a little patience to let that sift away finally exposing what you seek and desire....

_____________________________

Cyndi

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to suggababy23)

Post #: 36

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/6/2007 7:16:34 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: girlygurl

wow! Y/you mean to tell me that it's ok to be "not ok" with sharing my Sir? and i thought i was being a bad submissive for feeling this way. He has always been honest about His other sub/slaves... He hasn't pressured me so to speak... but He's made it clear that it's not going to change. now, if i hadn't fallen in love with Him i could have found it easier to say good bye, but the thought of not being His is much worse than knowing He finds pleasure with others.

thank you suggababy for the thread! communication like this is why i came to collarme!

A word of warning. While it's okay not to accept Poly or sharing for yourself, it's not okay to try and change someone who is. So, you'll either have to accept him the way he is, or walk away.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to girlygurl)

Post #: 37

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/6/2007 7:31:47 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

Yup I agree, and I agree with whoever said 'selfish' should be switched to 'self aware' on occasions like this one.

Hijack:
OMGGGGG Jinger I freakin love your pic. I do!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jinger

"When I explain this to some, I have been told its a selfish thought and not conducive to being a submissive. That the focus of the submissive is to please the Dominant. "

Humbug!

There are a lot of expectations imposed on submissives, like a lot. But then again, there are a lot of dominants too. So while SOME people might say it's selfish to want to be treated like a person and not simply a sexual object...SOME Dommes/Doms actually take into consideration that the relationship portion of a D/S relationship is actually more important than the D/Sing.

I'm old fashioned, I also require a lot of attention and I'd definitely start getting really jealous if I wasn't enough for my Domme/Dom.

However I could see myself entering a relationship with a Domme who already has submissives. Might be sexy, who knows?
...

Point is, different strokes for different folks. That is simply the golden rule of BDSM in my opinion.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to Jinger)

Post #: 38

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/6/2007 8:02:47 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Online especially but even in the real world there are people who use the "bad submissive" line to guilt people into doing things they don't want or shouldn't do. Being poly is one of those. Fuck them and the horse they rode in on, don't get involved with anyone who tries to guilt you into doing anything.

The BDSM scene TENDS to be widely poly and thus people who are not poly tend to get tired of not being around other couples and leave the scene, thus self selecting for people who are poly. This creates social pressure to be poly, thus furthering the self selection for people who are poly!

I am not poly and if my lady lived here we might play with others on rare occasions but would be largely monogamous. As it is with us only seeing each other once a month...as blissful and glorious as those times are, going to events alone does get tiring and make practicing my skills difficult as tying up or caning a pillow just isn't the same.

Trust me, there are many many people who are very VERY monogamous. My dear friends who just won the NW Master/slave title do not EVERY play with anyone else. If they can do it so can you.

(in reply to camille65)

Post #: 39

RE: Pressure to share? - 8/6/2007 8:17:33 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PairOfDimes

It is a selfish thought. It isn't conducive to entirely dedicating yourself to serving and pleasing another. It's not a particularly submissive thought.

However, that's okay, and you still get to be a submissive even if every single thought of yours isn't self-sacrificing. Submitting, I think, means that you have a need/want to obey, to serve, to please, something like that. That doesn't mean that it's your *only* need or want, or the only thing you require for compatibility. Indeed, it's very, very rare in my experience to find someone who accurately describes his or her needs and desires who claims that in a relationship, she or he wants only to please his or her partner, nothing else. Many people want *primarily* to please their partners, and they have a few other things they want, too.

I agree. The Op is being very selfish and I find it hysterically hypocritical that people tell her to think of only what she wants but yet say it isn't selfish. What a load of tripe. But hey, we're all in it for selfish reasons. Those that think it isn't are the ones who bullshit themselves the most.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to PairOfDimes)

Post #: 40

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