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Dom/Domme Romance - 8/6/2007 4:53:18 PM

goddessAVA

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I have been enjoying a semi casual relationship with a fellow Dom-the sexual chemistry is incredible but it is pretty vanilla in the bedroom-I don't like being spanked, he is not into having his balls tied up or drinking my nectar:( . My question is this-if we are not meeting each others needs in kink but love sleeping together, aren't we just another vanilla couple? I have no problem with his playing with subs and vice versa, but it seems like we are always matching wills and hot as that is now, I think it may get old. If you can share similar experiences I'd really love to hear them.

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RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/6/2007 5:28:18 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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That's pretty much what multiple dom relationships are- vanilla ones. If you use vanilla in the "non authority based dynamic" sense.

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RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/6/2007 5:57:07 PM

Driver1961

Posts: 459
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He dips His lid;

First my comments are based upon bidominant relationships prior to realising I am L/s.

I would imagine that One can over-simplify the Domme-Dom relationship when referring it to nilla. Obviously there may not be overt kink in the sex between each other however it is acknowledged by both there is kink play (with subs) within or outside each others company. The fact two Doms are sharing intimacy knowing their (preferred?) preferences does not diminish their strength but one could argue extends it (self-awareness). Both Dominants are interacting on a kink basis far outside the nilla yet may contend their emotions to each other are equal to 'accepted nilla'. They would generally be operating in a difficult to define power dynamic that could entail the very great respect and understanding of each other over a long term.

In any new relationship where there is attraction to the other- we strut and pretty ourselves to further 'hook' the other. How exciting that you seem to 'outplay' each other. It is important that you discuss these changes in emotions/wants to each other and in doing so will further extend what could be an extremely fulfilling relationship.

So who wins the continuous 2 flogger flogging contest?

There is beauty in what may be developing for you Ava.

My smile goes out to you Ava.

Warm regards to all. Driver.

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RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/6/2007 8:31:21 PM

Padriag

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After reading your post a few thoughts came to mind. The very first thought was that you don't seem certain about what it is you want from this relationship. You seem to be enjoying it, and yet questioning its validity, where its going, etc. You also mentioned that there seems to be a contest of wills, and that for the moment you find this hot, but worry it will get old. That struck me as a potential problem area. Its possible you're both struggling to dominate the other, gain the upper hand. Eventually one of you probably will and if that's been the crux of the relationship, it'll collapse at that point.

From my own experience here are some thoughts on necessary ingredients to making the relationship work.
First, know what you want. All LTR relationships, whether kinky or not, D/s or not, still boil down to the same common denominator... they're about companionship. We keep someone around beyond the one night stand or the hot weekend because we enjoy and want their company. But understanding what about them we really enjoy and why helps us build on that.
Second, for two dominants to have any sort of relationship they need to see each other as equals. This allows them to take the next step, which is respecting each other as equals. Seeing this in each other and respecting it removes a lot of friction. It takes out the competitiveness that can otherwise destroy the relationship. Instead of struggling with the other person for control, you can instead focus on working with the other person to build both of you up.
Third, it takes communication. Its that old saw again, but its still just as true... any relationship requires good communication. Specifically, communication means being able to express your feelings and thoughts to each other openly (that requires both an environment condusive to it, as well as the ability; in other words you both need to be listening but also able to speak up).
Fourth, going back to companionship, what exactly do you share in common that makes you good company for each other? Sex is great, but if that's all you have, what you have is a fuck buddy. What things might you have in common you haven't thought to explore? What can you build on?

Anytime I want an LTR, the first thing I look for is companionship qualities in others, whether that's a submissive, a switch or even a domme. If they can't be a good companion to me, then they're going to end up just another FB, its that simple. But for those gems that can be good companions, there's the potential for something special to happen.

Best wishes

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A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to goddessAVA)

Post #: 4

RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/6/2007 8:51:19 PM

MzMia

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Hello Ava, I can't see myself in a Dom/Domme relationship.
Too many power struggles for ME.
But I wish you good luck, I hope it works out for you.
Keep us posted!

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To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

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Post #: 5

RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/6/2007 9:00:41 PM

goddessAVA

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Driver you are all class, thanks for the input-I do hope it turns out to be a beautiful crazy poly thing!

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Post #: 6

RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/6/2007 9:04:48 PM

Darkhaven80

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My advice may sound overly simple, but enjoy the small treats life hands out while you can, no matter what form they come in. If it starts getting tiresome like you're predicting, sever it but you'll end up coming out all the better for knowing each other.

(in reply to goddessAVA)

Post #: 7

RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/6/2007 9:10:24 PM

SimplyMichael

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Joined: 1/7/2007
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Is the sexual chemistry dynamite or not? Stop worrying about labels and what other people think. My partner is a dominant woman who chooses to submit to me. Last weekend I did a sex act for her that many submissives would refuse to do. It was something that she deeply desired and I granted that desire. I lost nothing and gained everything, WE gained everything, because it is about WE and US together against the world so to speak.

I agree with much of what Padriag said (as usual) but disagree on one aspect, I don't think it HAS to be as equals, it has to be as partners, meaning you work together not against each other. Constant power struggles would drive me nuts, however, you two are new and perhaps not trusting in yourselves enough to open up to each other, thus the testing you are doing. Relationships are not a zero sum game where if your partner gains you lose, the point is to create something greater than the sum of the parts.

Communication isn't talking or moving your lips, it is openly and deeply sharing which means making yourself vulnerable to your partner and trusting them with that vulnerability. Talking about the Mets isn't communicating, talking about your fear of losing power or appearing weak or whatever your issues are with him and the relationship, THAT is what real communication is all about.

'course having a fuck buddy isn't bad either but having a partner, one who knows you deeply and intimately and whom you can trust with that, that is pricelss.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 8

RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/6/2007 9:27:59 PM

goddessAVA

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Thanks for your insight-you are very perceptive. Yes the who is on top does factor in-but I also have the baggage of a failed marriage that makes me only want fuck buddies. I hope I can connect further but who knows? I love that you are involved with a fellow Domme-best of luck to you

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cleaning out America's assholes one at a time

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Post #: 9

RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/7/2007 5:31:48 AM

DommeChains

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You have received some great advice so far. I am involved in a dom/domme marriage. We have been together for over 3 years. The primary attraction to each other had little to nothing to do with power exchange but rather kindred spirits who really enjoy each others company and find life so much richer when shared with the other.

We joke about our occasional "power struggles" as our daily arguement. We take what could be a cause for a breakup (two strong minded people both wanting to lead) and have used it as a communication tool. Sometimes I lead, sometimes he leads, but most of the time we work as partners with common goals.

I came into this relationship with an entire train full of emotional baggage lol. I really never expected or wanted to marry again and he was not looking to marry ever. We both just wanted a fb but lucked out and found so much more. It has been the best thing that ever happened to me. For myself I realized after being with Kai for about a year why my other marriages and live in relationships had failed. I had always sought out submissive men in the past. For me a romantic, life partner relationship with a submissive man does not work. I can have a power exchange relationship with a submissive man (actually do at present) but I need that feel of equality to make a marriage last. That is just my truth that I found after much thought and soul searching. May not apply to anyone else.

One last thing; I personally know of three other couples who are in long term dom/domme marriages or life partnerships. And the folks in those relationships seem to be quite happy with their choice of partners.

(in reply to goddessAVA)

Post #: 10

RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/7/2007 5:47:14 AM

Mystique567

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Joined: 6/11/2006
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All I can say, as a witness to a Dom/Domme relationship is that yes, I have seen them work and work well and <giggles> it is fun to be the occasional submissive in the middle of them.

(in reply to DommeChains)

Post #: 11

RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/7/2007 6:10:04 AM

RavenMuse

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I've seen them work but only when they both had freedom to meet those needs with submissives, either singaly or with double Domming.

I couldn't do it Myself. I can find a Domme attractive, not surprizing as I look for strong girls as slaves rather than doormats, so the feminine strength appeals to Me... But in a relationship... the more I care the more control I am drawn to take, the more control I have the more I am drawn to care... Dynamic spiral. So things simply don't move past flirtation with a non-submissive.....Not unless We discover she actualy HAS a submissive side after all *g*

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Post #: 12

RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/7/2007 6:29:43 AM

Stephann

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From: Portland, OR
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Seems most of the important elements have been touched on.

You've got the right attitude, it seems. Take it slow, let it grow naturally. In time, if this becoms a man you really wish to incorporate in your life, it shouldn't take too much in the way of negotiating how you will manage to get your kink needs met; in this case, it sounds like a poly situation with a sub you both really dig will probably be just the ticket. As long as you find common ground outside of the bedroom to make things work, and you're both open minded towards certain activities, I think it could work out great.

Stephan

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Post #: 13

RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/7/2007 6:42:58 AM

MzMia

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This is a wonderful topic and one that I have pondered myself.
I have found myself VERY attracted to many Dominant men, myself.

DommeChains! Congratulations! I did not realize you were in a Dom/Domme marriage. It sounds like you found
the perfect match, what a great post. I can relate to what you said about submissive males. I realized a long time
ago, IF I ever have a LTR again, it would have to be with someone with more of a slave {than submissive} mentality. I am just so damn greedy.

Anyone in this lifestyle that can have a loving fullfilling marriage with any combination, I admire. **Kudos**

RavenMuse, you made some great points.

Stephann, I agree with you, especially with the poly aspect of it.

Humm Ava, you may have met your match!
Thank you Ava, for starting this thread.
This is the type of post, that really causes some people to soul search, and I love that.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 8/7/2007 6:51:31 AM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 14

RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/7/2007 9:11:37 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia
Too many power struggles for ME.

When Elle and I first got together, I think she was really worried about that. She had never met a dominant man who wouldn't get his back up if she asked him to do something. Personally, I don't find dominance in refusing to do simple things for the lady I love (nor do I find submission in doing them either).

We have been together for three years, owned a few slaves together and really enjoyed our time together, not worrying if we were a "vanilla" couple simply because we don't practice power exchange in our relationship.

Taggard

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Post #: 15

RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/7/2007 10:53:41 AM

Faramir

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
Relationships are not a zero sum game where if your partner gains you lose, the point is to create something greater than the sum of the parts.

Well said.

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True masters, true subs and slaves, X many years in the lifestyle, Old Guard this and High Protocol that--it's like a convention of D&D nerds were allowed to have sex once, and they decided to make a religion out of it.

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RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/7/2007 11:17:27 AM

RaynaSub

Posts: 185
Joined: 9/3/2006
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I don't think I would make it in a submissive/submissive relationship.
I hope this works out for you.

(in reply to goddessAVA)

Post #: 17

RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/7/2007 11:17:40 AM

SDFemDom4cuck

Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
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quote:

Communication isn't talking or moving your lips, it is openly and deeply sharing which means making yourself vulnerable to your partner and trusting them with that vulnerability. Talking about the Mets isn't communicating, talking about your fear of losing power or appearing weak or whatever your issues are with him and the relationship, THAT is what real communication is all about.

I think that this speaks volumes regardless of the dynamics involved.

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She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

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Post #: 18

RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/7/2007 11:18:12 AM

Damocles809

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Do what you feel like first. Worry about labels second.

If it's hot now, then it aint broke so don't fix it. Lots of things get old in a relationship, but by that time, you two might have found something else to do that's even hotter.

(in reply to goddessAVA)

Post #: 19

RE: Dom/Domme Romance - 8/7/2007 1:50:01 PM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Faramir

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
Relationships are not a zero sum game where if your partner gains you lose, the point is to create something greater than the sum of the parts.

Well said.

Thanks Faramir! You say things I admire as well.

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 20

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