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Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 3:21:57 AM

ExquisiteFeline

Posts: 124
Status: offline

Are there any subs that are currently not possessed, yet still have a Dominant figure in their life? i personally have always been monogamous, if i am psychologically committed to someone, i could never think about betraying them.
Are there subs who feel neglected, and distracted?
If your Dom is neglecting you do you seek Dominance from another source?

Post #: 1

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 3:27:48 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExquisiteFeline

If your Dom is neglecting you do you seek Dominance from another source?

If that were to happen, then you speak to the dominant, communicate your concerns and if they do not understand it and it continues - you end the relationship. It's no different to any relationship BDSM or 'nilla'.

Peace
the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)

Post #: 2

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 3:30:40 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

I have a dominant figure in my life like a Daddy, but he is not dominant (physically) or sexual (not since 2001). I talk to him perhaps every month. He decides things for me, pays my bills, buys my clothes etc etc. If something breaks, he fixes it. If I break, he fixes me.

I have no dominant, if this guy became dominant towards me,(it would never happen) I wouldn't consider another. Bet this doesn't make sense. lol

< Message edited by came4U -- 8/7/2007 3:39:19 AM >

(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)

Post #: 3

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 4:00:42 AM

ExquisiteFeline

Posts: 124
Status: offline

If that were to happen, then you speak to the dominant, communicate your concerns and if they do not understand it and it continues - you end the relationship. It's no different to any relationship BDSM or 'nilla'.

Peace
the.dark.
[/quote]

When it comes to the 'fun' parts i feel i can communicate anything. But there have been circumstances that have occurred, i feel offended and i feel i cant talk to him about it.
My Dom feels and says he can do what ever he wants, because he is the Dominant. i feel he has lied to me, well i know he has, as what he had told me does not correlate with another source of the events that occurred ( i didnt investigate but was surprised in passing conversation). In the past in this situation i may have become disappointed and demanding, but now i become detached and restless.
i have in the past had less contact with a different Dominant yet i felt possessed and settled, i was able to be inspired to do my work, and deeply satisfied.

hmm maybe this just isn't right.

< Message edited by ExquisiteFeline -- 8/7/2007 4:02:51 AM >

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 4

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 4:35:45 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExquisiteFeline

When it comes to the 'fun' parts i feel i can communicate anything. But there have been circumstances that have occurred, i feel offended and i feel i cant talk to him about it.
My Dom feels and says he can do what ever he wants, because he is the Dominant. i feel he has lied to me, well i know he has, as what he had told me does not correlate with another source of the events that occurred ( i didnt investigate but was surprised in passing conversation). In the past in this situation i may have become disappointed and demanding, but now i become detached and restless.
i have in the past had less contact with a different Dominant yet i felt possessed and settled, i was able to be inspired to do my work, and deeply satisfied.

hmm maybe this just isn't right.

Isn't it odd how, when we see our words in print, they somehow make more sense than when they're running around the racetrack in our heads?

We kind of detach from the emotions and begin to see our dilemmas more clearly.

Maybe this is what is happening to you?

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 8/7/2007 4:39:08 AM >

(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)

Post #: 5

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 4:37:22 AM

ExquisiteFeline

Posts: 124
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

I have a dominant figure in my life like a Daddy, but he is not dominant (physically) or sexual (not since 2001). I talk to him perhaps every month. He decides things for me, pays my bills, buys my clothes etc etc. If something breaks, he fixes it. If I break, he fixes me.

I have no dominant, if this guy became dominant towards me,(it would never happen) I wouldn't consider another. Bet this doesn't make sense. lol

Wow, weird that a man would do all that for you, yet not have a committed relationship and a sexual one at that... i can see how you would be loyal to such a person. Hope it works out for you eventually. :)

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 6

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 4:40:46 AM

ExquisiteFeline

Posts: 124
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

Isn't it odd how, when we see our words in print, they somehow make more sense than when they're running around the racetrack in our heads?

We kind of detach from the emotions and begin to see our dilemmas more clearly.

Maybe this is what is happening to you?

juliet

Yes i guess so, i wouldn't normally be venting so publicly but somehow have different point of view it does help.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 7

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 4:51:52 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

If my needs are not being met in a relationship, I bear the responsibility of addressing that. Monogamy or poly, it makes no difference; I should be addressing the issue with my partner, first.

If it cannot be resolved, than it's a good bet there's a time bomb on the relationship.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)

Post #: 8

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 4:59:49 AM

MasterGarghoul

Posts: 10
Joined: 1/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExquisiteFeline

If that were to happen, then you speak to the dominant, communicate your concerns and if they do not understand it and it continues - you end the relationship. It's no different to any relationship BDSM or 'nilla'.

Peace
the.dark.

When it comes to the 'fun' parts i feel i can communicate anything. But there have been circumstances that have occurred, i feel offended and i feel i cant talk to him about it.
My Dom feels and says he can do what ever he wants, because he is the Dominant. i feel he has lied to me, well i know he has, as what he had told me does not correlate with another source of the events that occurred ( i didnt investigate but was surprised in passing conversation). In the past in this situation i may have become disappointed and demanding, but now i become detached and restless.
i have in the past had less contact with a different Dominant yet i felt possessed and settled, i was able to be inspired to do my work, and deeply satisfied.

hmm maybe this just isn't right.

Well, first of all, if it's true that "he can do whatever he wants" why would he have to lie about anything? The attitude should be "yeah, I did this and this and this, and what do you think you can do about it?" To lie is for him to acknowledge that he doesn't really believe he CAN "do whatever he wants."

More importantly, however, I am going to ask - are you SURE he lied? Are you sure that whatever else you heard about whatever-the-heck-it-was was accurate, and not itself a lie, or misinterpretation, or just the way it looked from someone else's point of view?

Master Garghoul

(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)

Post #: 9

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 5:06:44 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExquisiteFeline

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

Isn't it odd how, when we see our words in print, they somehow make more sense than when they're running around the racetrack in our heads?

We kind of detach from the emotions and begin to see our dilemmas more clearly.

Maybe this is what is happening to you?

juliet

Yes i guess so, i wouldn't normally be venting so publicly but somehow have different point of view it does help.

ok.. different point of view.

Have you let him know someone said this or that to you and that you're confused? (without accusation of lying)

Your dominant says he can say what he wants because he's the dominant. Have you asked him why, if he can say what he wants, he feels the need to lie?

Here's the tough one...

Have you sat back and explored what the lie entailed, what you need and if you can get it from him? (I know LOTS of people will say "he lied? Kick him to the curb" but since you're asking for another point of view, have you actually sat back and determined what he means to you, what YOU'RE willing to live with (and without) and what you actually need if you're contemplating staying?

What I mean by this is that he's proven himself a liar. If you believe him to be, then that's a given. Your determination can't be "if you don't lie, I'll stay." because then, you're basing your decision on what he's already proven he can't do. In other words, decide what YOU can and can't live with and act accordingly.

Just for the record, I'm not one of those who automatically say "kick him to the curb." It's more difficult this way, but I like that he's a real person with faults and foibles and despite all these, I make a conscious decision to stay and enthusiastically belong to him.

That being said, what I did (and obviously it may not be what you can do, but it is a different opinion than most others will give you) was

1) I didn't question the fact that he lied. He did. That's it. I'm not going to argue the point or the rightness/wrongness of it - or his inalienable "right" based on his domliness.

2) I looked at my life, what I had, what he brought to it and what changed as a result of the lie. I found that I liked my life. He brought a lot to it and the lie, while distaseful, didn't change my life one iota.

3) I decided what I needed from him in order to continue being with him - it wasn't "don't lie" because I'd already seen he did. I didn't want to tell him something I already knew he couldn't or wouldn't live up to.

4) I communicated THIS - what I needed - to him. I didn't focus on "YOU LIE!" That was moot. It'd happened. All the accusations in the world wouldn't change that. In fact, I knew that he'd continue doing what he lied about because that too was a part of who he is. So what I communicated to him was that I wanted to be told of things before other people informed me. I wasn't asking him to request it of me - just tell me. I told him I didn't want to be broadsided by things from people who mean nothing to me when the person who means the most to me can't or believes I'm not good enough to know. I told him that if we are indeed together, I want to know, from him - the person who owns me and cares for me - what others will take great relish in telling me just to watch me be hurt.

5) I didn't expect an apology. I expected respect.

6) And before I did ALL of the above, I decided if I was staying or going - on my own - with no input, promises, or guarantees from him. After I decided all that, everything else was workable.

7) For a long time after that, I looked for proof that he was actually able to do what I needed.

EF: I don't know what you will decide, but my motto back then was "don't throw the baby out with the bathwater." I don't know why, but all along through those terrible 6 months (yep...it took us 6 months to work through everything), I always felt there was somehow, a deeper lesson I was supposed to be learning, and I kept on searching for it.

I found it.

And because I decided to stay, while I bounced my ideas of the larger lesson off of people whose opinions I trusted, I didn't seek out other dominants to fill the gap he'd created through his lie.

I've never been happier...and for some reason, deciding to stay IN SPITE of things has had more meaning to me than staying because everything is just so hunky dory and I never have to work at a thing.

So anway, that's my different opinion. I'm not suggesting you stay or go. What I AM suggesting is that you make up your own mind and do what's best for you - not based on actions by him, but by your own standards. And after that, do what's necessary to fulfill those standards - whether that means stay or go.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 8/7/2007 5:16:14 AM >

(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)

Post #: 10

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 5:32:44 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExquisiteFeline

When it comes to the 'fun' parts i feel i can communicate anything. But there have been circumstances that have occurred, i feel offended and i feel i cant talk to him about it.
My Dom feels and says he can do what ever he wants, because he is the Dominant. i feel he has lied to me, well i know he has, as what he had told me does not correlate with another source of the events that occurred ( i didnt investigate but was surprised in passing conversation). In the past in this situation i may have become disappointed and demanding, but now i become detached and restless.
i have in the past had less contact with a different Dominant yet i felt possessed and settled, i was able to be inspired to do my work, and deeply satisfied.

hmm maybe this just isn't right.

Firstly, I believe it is important that you communicate your concerns so that you know you did the best you could to assist in the growth and continuing of your relationship. That way, it cannot be turned around and blamed on you and your lack of communicating your fears.

Secondly, a dominant can do and say what he wants within the 'confines' of your contract - whether that is written or not. If his actions are not consensual to you, then he is out of line. If he has indeed misled you or lied in someway, then he has already broken your 'contract' and your trust.

I would not suggest this has anything so much as to do with monogamy or poly - but that your relationship has come to a moment of transition.

As juliet has noted, it is always amazing how - when we verbalise or see our words and detatch - that what we are thinking or feeling does make sense and helps us take stock in our relationships or reactions... which is what you seem to be doing here. I only wish you the best and that you do what is right for your own peace and that this can be a positive step in your future.

Peace
the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)

Post #: 11

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 5:44:39 AM

ExquisiteFeline

Posts: 124
Status: offline

quote:

More importantly, however, I am going to ask - are you SURE he lied? Are you sure that whatever else you heard about whatever-the-heck-it-was was accurate, and not itself a lie, or misinterpretation, or just the way it looked from someone else's point of view?

yes the information came from a close friend, a mutual friend who i trust wholeheartly.

(in reply to MasterGarghoul)

Post #: 12

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 5:54:08 AM

ExquisiteFeline

Posts: 124
Status: offline

Thanks so much juliet.
A very detailed response.
i expect respect, and integrity, they are my most valued ethics, i can not compromise them for anyone.
i have more thinking to do, but i think i have made my decision.
Thanks, all good advice.
As far as getting through, it is early days for us, and feels tainted, maybe it would be different if there was more depth to work upon.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 13

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 5:56:42 AM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
Isn't it odd how, when we see our words in print, they somehow make more sense than when they're running around the racetrack in our heads?

We kind of detach from the emotions and begin to see our dilemmas more clearly.

Maybe this is what is happening to you?
juliet

juliet,   I cannot tell you how true this is. I read message boards on 3 sites regularly. I respond more here. I think its because I dont need to sign in one the other side to read and post.
But that is beside the point I am gonna make.

If I start a thread it is because my mind is very curious about other's experiences. yes, based on mine, or based on something I am thinking about or have  already settled in my own life.

Many times I read something and go to my journal and respond very privately.  Other times I am compelled to respond like I just did on another post.... putting something in writting that runs through my brain and heart, only to find it is something I am still working on.   I will then take the issue to my therapist and my Sir.

I have been encouraged in my continued  journey to take things to my therapist by my Sir.   No matter to whom I mention an issue I struggle with, they both seem to concur in their own way, from different perspectives  with the same conclusion and support.

Your words are sooo true. Thank you.

Sir's girl, ever growing, ever learning

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 14

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 6:19:40 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExquisiteFeline

i have in the past had less contact with a different Dominant yet i felt possessed and settled, i was able to be inspired to do my work, and deeply satisfied.

It sounds like you are putting the responsibility for your worth and happiness in the hands of another. While I'm not saying don't be with someone who makes you feel good (sounds like your mind is made up already), I am saying stop and inspect the reality of it and why you make the decisions that you do or you will be eternally confronted with the same difficulties and heartbreaks. Or don't, and continue down the same path. ~shrug~ I wish you well.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)

Post #: 15

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 6:21:35 AM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

If I felt neglected I would talk to Master about it instead of going to another and creating more problems. If we have a problem we talk about and not run away from it.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)

Post #: 16

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 6:22:03 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my monogamy
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough

Stephan Stipes

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 17

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 6:45:22 AM

ExquisiteFeline

Posts: 124
Status: offline

Thanks.
I still feel rather confused, but i guess making a decision and communication is in order. My time is limited at the moment and i am unable to gain that communication, before, i feel too much time will have passed. Maybe this is an aversion to communication, maybe protection, not sure, maybe it feels pointless.
Moving on is not a problem for me, i dont 'need' anyone, i am content with my life, yet i feel more when with a Dominant. i am happy to keep moving along, he never wanted commitment or to 'own' me so i guess that means i am 'free.' If he decides that he does want to continue, and that what W/we can be together is valuable then he will demonstrate that, and maybe things will turn again. But i do find it hard 'going back' once certain patterns have been established, even if they are just thought, it can be hard recarve those grooves, however remolding is part of what a Dom does.
Taking the D/s out of the situation, i guess i do not see much future, i feel my ambitions want to take me to different places, i need to be with someone who aspires to be higher than me, professionally etc. In my previous relationship my partner was highly educated and professional, he was in highly demanding and stressful employment. While i did not let my responsibilities slide, nor my own career path, i was 100% committed to supporting his journey. His path was essentially more important to U/us, my responsibilities were with firstly the family and home and i loved that, so long as i felt he understood what i was doing and valued it. He also valued that i wanted a career also, and because of that, it pushed me further, gave me motivation and drive to also succeed. While i had no desire to try to top him professionally, i desired to contribute, in his profession he was well payed and gave a lot. I found a greater sense of self, to keep digging into who i am and what i am capable of giving and doing, but also receiving. To be serving someone and making their life easier, and filling gaps so as they could focus on the important things. I realize how even before BDSM, my relationships have been D/s based and how i felt right in that submission, and giving of the self. The clarity, boundaries, ownership, kinks and fetish of formal BDSM relationships is more like the icing on the cake for me.
Now without that commitment i have lost a certain sense of desire to succeed like that, before i was working for a unit, and my responsibilities gave me satisfaction and motivation. Now in someway i feel i am biding time until my child is independent, people come and go, and life doesn't have the same sense of depth, however i still feel content, happy, and whole, if that makes sense.
okay i am communicating a lot of stuff here, i guess it helping me process.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 18

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 6:47:36 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

"My Dom feels and says he can do what ever he wants, because he is the Dominant."

Biggest pet peeve ever. If a dominant has to tell me he can do what he wants, he's usually looking to justify himself somehow. I never ask people to justify, if I ever ask why something is the way it is, I simply want to know 'why' and if I'm looking for the 'why' it's because it doesn't sit well with me. It's a desire to simply understand where the other person is coming from, so that I can quell a fear or suspicion. I explain this, to everyone, vanilla or not that I date, that if I need to question, it's because I -need- to know why something happens, otherwise I can't cope with it. If a person openly refuses to communicate with me, on topics that are important, then they aren't the one for me.

As for the original issue of attentions, you need to lay down bare what you need or expect from a relatinship. The other person can either agree or disagree. If they are not going to give you what you need or want out of a relationship, you can compromise yourself, or you can keep looking.

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 19

RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 7:02:58 AM

ExquisiteFeline

Posts: 124
Status: offline

quote:

It sounds like you are putting the responsibility for your worth and happiness in the hands of another. While I'm not saying don't be with someone who makes you feel good (sounds like your mind is made up already), I am saying stop and inspect the reality of it and why you make the decisions that you do or you will be eternally confronted with the same difficulties and heartbreaks. Or don't, and continue down the same path. ~shrug~ I wish you well.

Maybe, or maybe my own sense of self worth is greater, if it at all makes sense i feel happier to move on, even if being on my own. There are things i will miss, but that is life.
i am inspecting, i have averted my communication to him as i did not want to be irrational with him. I am aware of patterns in relationships and i have worked upon my own, it is always learning for everyone, no matter where they are in themselves that way. I know i can not have relationships as some have been the past and i do take every connection as it is and something new. My life has taken many turns and i don't continue down a lot of the paths i had previously.

(in reply to slaveish)

Post #: 20

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