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RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 7:11:27 AM   
ExquisiteFeline


Posts: 124
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shyinini

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
Isn't it odd how, when we see our words in print, they somehow make more sense than when they're running around the racetrack in our heads?

We kind of detach from the emotions and begin to see our dilemmas more clearly.

Maybe this is what is happening to you?
juliet


juliet, I cannot tell you how true this is. I read message boards on 3 sites regularly. I respond more here. I think its because I dont need to sign in one the other side to read and post.
But that is beside the point I am gonna make.

If I start a thread it is because my mind is very curious about other's experiences. yes, based on mine, or based on something I am thinking about or have already settled in my own life.

Many times I read something and go to my journal and respond very privately. Other times I am compelled to respond like I just did on another post.... putting something in writting that runs through my brain and heart, only to find it is something I am still working on. I will then take the issue to my therapist and my Sir.

I have been encouraged in my continued journey to take things to my therapist by my Sir. No matter to whom I mention an issue I struggle with, they both seem to concur in their own way, from different perspectives with the same conclusion and support.

Your words are sooo true. Thank you.

Sir's girl, ever growing, ever learning



I once took a D/s issue to my therapist and she freaked out, she didnt understand, and told me i was going into a very dark place. i have opted not to talk to therapists about D/s relationships anymore, which means i have to communicate to others in the lifestyle. People who are not in the lifestyle or not of the understanding of it are quick to judge that it is a bad thing, or we are somehow living out trauma in a negative way. There are not many i can talk to when it comes to this realm, and i was asking how other subs feel in their relationships.
Maybe it would be good to have a "Therapist" forum he he...
Funny therapist.... The Rapist.

(in reply to shyinini)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 7:14:01 AM   
ExquisiteFeline


Posts: 124
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my monogamy
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough

Stephan Stipes




That is what was going through my head also... ditto!

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 12:37:36 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		I understand about your disconnection, is this new though? for you?  Thus the confusion?

I have done that all my life, one little lie/mistake, I shut down. I can't look at the person the same again.

If it is new, you are more patient than I and you might be only in a temporary space mode.

(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 1:20:53 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		I'd love to help you lose your monogamy.

(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 1:33:28 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		lol LordandMaster,

That is like trying to pull at a spider's legs while it is still trying to walk. tsk tsk. lol

< Message edited by came4U -- 8/7/2007 1:35:45 PM >

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 3:06:08 PM   
ExquisiteFeline


Posts: 124
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

I understand about your disconnection, is this new though? for you? Thus the confusion?

I have done that all my life, one little lie/mistake, I shut down. I can't look at the person the same again.

If it is new, you are more patient than I and you might be only in a temporary space mode.



sorry not sure i understand.
Is the relationship new? D/s? or lying?

Yes shut down... well my father hated liars and thieves the most, i was strongly bought up with those ethics, i guess things just pass on.

(in reply to came4U)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 3:11:04 PM   
ExquisiteFeline


Posts: 124
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

I'd love to help you lose your monogamy.


Cheeky, I like your attitude ;)
I guess that is the thing about being submissive, there are so many Doms, even if they are not aware of D/s so much :) A lot of men naturally just are.
If one cant treat me the way i want to be treated, then another may.
i have high expectations upon myself, and others, i don't take things as personally as i used too, i just judge ;)

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/7/2007 9:29:23 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		 Ms. Feline:

I meant, is this reaction new, from his behaviour or have you always been easily or not so easily sent for a whirlwind from a sudden disappointment in someone?  Are you usually the type or lets it slide or does the emotion of this disconnection, aaaaaaaaa I'm not thinking lol...sigh, or are you like me, I see one mistake (in anyone) and shutdown? or are you suddenly sensitive to this one issue with your Dom?

(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/8/2007 3:15:47 AM   
ExquisiteFeline


Posts: 124
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

Ms. Feline:

I meant, is this reaction new, from his behaviour or have you always been easily or not so easily sent for a whirlwind from a sudden disappointment in someone? Are you usually the type or lets it slide or does the emotion of this disconnection, aaaaaaaaa I'm not thinking lol...sigh, or are you like me, I see one mistake (in anyone) and shutdown? or are you suddenly sensitive to this one issue with your Dom?


Well it is like this as far as i am concerned. ( i have been debating with a close friend who has become the devils advocate, as well as him being a Dominant Male.)

It was a a very small lie. Kinda like "I didn't eat all the Tim Tams..." when i can can see chocolate stains on his collar.
The person i spoke with today said i was being pedantic, and that the person in question is the Dominant, so in reality he can do what he likes, and he's right, under the human rights act we can all do as we like if we dont break the Law. i am not questioning that. However, a small lie is enough, and if i let it slide i am condoning the behavior and saying, "What you did makes me feel crappy, but i am going to let it slide, and therefore i am saying that is it is totally fine to treat me like this." Then resentment comes, then he may say something else, and i am unsure if i can believe him or not, then more resentment. Then he may lie again, but because i allowed the behavior, i cant really get angry about it with the full power of what i am feeling with all the resentment building.
i have been friends with him for 10 years, and obviously we have different values, so rather than let sex or romance ruin the history of friendship we have, i am choosing to respect the value of our connection before there is nothing left but bad feelings.

Oh and what is with the Ms Feline? i am a submissive :) i dont want to Dom god dam'd it!!!!! i just want to find some who can dam'd well do it properly.

Anyway back to the port and olives.


(in reply to came4U)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/8/2007 3:44:05 AM   
ExquisiteFeline


Posts: 124
Status: offline 		Oh he has done it again... he wants me to whip his ass...

Why are we both always competing for below, yet Topping at the same time? i Top from below, he Tops from Above, yet we are both always diving for the under position.

Maybe we both need a Dom, who can say "Now, Now no fighting, you can whip her first and then she can whip you. See now isnt it easier when we all share and take turns?"
Hmmm and my reaction "But i was below first, and you changed the game, i m taking my toys and going. hmmmph." *Spins on heel, and notices he is trying to hide my vibrator, grabs it out of his hand an whacks him with it.*
jeeez i am such a child, and he's such a...a oowwwww....
Right wheres my whip? I am going to be ready as soon as he walks through that door in about 10 minutes. No but that is going to just give him what he wants... oooowwwww fuck. No naked, naked on on my knees...hands and knees...
i am so bad at this game.

(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/8/2007 5:24:27 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I don't know about being pedantic Feline - I mean if the lie was similar to the chocolate incident, it would depend entirely on how close you were to that chocolate and what it meant to you hey.
It is really about the difference of settling and compromise.  If you are just settling for the sake of settling or for a peaceful life, then for me - I couldn't do that.  But compromise is different and all part of the give and take of a relationship.  If it's taken away any trust that what might be said in the future might be a lie or misleading, or that you can't express your thoughts just because you 'gave in' one time - then I think you probably know the answer deep down.  And if you can't learn to forgive the incident, then it will surface again at an ugly time, when you don;t want it to and will just act like a very slow poison.
 
Peace
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/8/2007 6:40:34 PM   
ExquisiteFeline


Posts: 124
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I don't know about being pedantic Feline - I mean if the lie was similar to the chocolate incident, it would depend entirely on how close you were to that chocolate and what it meant to you hey.
It is really about the difference of settling and compromise. If you are just settling for the sake of settling or for a peaceful life, then for me - I couldn't do that. But compromise is different and all part of the give and take of a relationship. If it's taken away any trust that what might be said in the future might be a lie or misleading, or that you can't express your thoughts just because you 'gave in' one time - then I think you probably know the answer deep down. And if you can't learn to forgive the incident, then it will surface again at an ugly time, when you don;t want it to and will just act like a very slow poison.

Peace
the.dark.


Forgiving is not an issue for me, i am a very forgiving person.
Compromising in relationships is about time, material, etc planes, maybe we can compromise pride and ego, and other things, but compromising usually means that things will work out better in the long run. In a past relationship i compromised my workload so i could give more to my partner and the children involved, as a result it freed up his extra stress and he could more into his career, as a result his attention was more with us. But compromising values is resentment building.
After spending the night with the person involved, we communicated a bit, he wasn't all that open to communication, even though i was bing sensitive and not being irrational. As a result we did not gain the communication needed, i asked where that leaves U/us and he responded "Lets leave on a high, i cant give you what you need, you need someone more mature and experienced." I am happy he is able to recognize his position in that. He also said he was a greedy pig, in that his desires prevail his abilities to commitment, and that i am more valuable than what he can give. i am somewhat disappointed that he has taken an easy way out, by continuing to stay in his recognized behaviors rather than growing and evolving, but again that is my value system and not his.
I begin to wonder if i am too aware of things that most people choose to be ignorant about. Maybe if i were more ignorant then i would be more submissive, or maybe if i didn't have value upon myself, and such a high set of morals and values then i could degrade myself more. I can cant compromise my values, whip me, use me, abuse me, degrade me as your whore, but dont disrespect, or lie to me, and for God sake don't undervalue who i am.
Maybe Ms Feline is more appropriate, but in reality, it is submission that is my nature, and that is not being used as everyones slut. i really am not into the more casual types of relationships, i am not that surface oriented. I am attracted to BDSM, because of the fetish, but also because of the depth of understanding into the human condition that this type of relationships can offer.
Domination is my path, i know i am good at it, because of my values, my beliefs and level of care to human nature and evolution. My Domination style is not sexual, it took me ten minutes to have a girl on the floor last week in total submission to her pain and emotions, its a beautiful thing, and the high that is created to helping someone is inexplainable. But i can not Dominate without, my own comrade, companion, and beloved, i need the safety ring of a mans arms around me, someone who cares and loves me, i have a lot to offer to one who can value it.
Maybe my understanding to BDSM is wrong, maybe it is too vanilla to want a caring relationship, and as a submissive i am supposed to want to be degraded to have my body objectively used and abuse by every Tom, Dick and Harry, and then discarded when the next desirable thing comes along. In that case submission sounds more like a free prostitution service, maybe i am just a vanilla with a whole heap of crazy fetishes and kinks.
Maybe it is just time to delete my profile, eliminate my kinky fetish, and desires of a comrade, and join Buddhism, after all that is all about suffering isn't it?

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/9/2007 8:54:23 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

Oh and what is with the Ms Feline? i am a submissive :) i dont want to Dom god dam'd it!!!!! i just want to find some who can dam'd well do it properly.


sorry, dear, I meant that in the basic salutation sense, forgot where I was for a minute lol. 

I tend to call everyone Ms. or Mister so-n-so by habit. me bad.

(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/9/2007 4:36:33 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		ok here it is  if you like monogamy then very cool and makes you happy... it is be cause its is security and feeling secure in a relationship believing they will always be there for you.. for anyone to try and tell you that oh this is not normal or your not normal screw them... it is all a mind set everything is how we think eat sleep it is all a mind set. if you can not have control over what you do thats on you. it is like saying i am sorry i do not have a brain... lol i think people that can be with one for a lifetime rule cause they built their foundation on trust and care and something that most people do not get respect to put each other first..

(in reply to came4U)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/9/2007 6:55:02 PM   
ExquisiteFeline


Posts: 124
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

quote:

Oh and what is with the Ms Feline? i am a submissive :) i dont want to Dom god dam'd it!!!!! i just want to find some who can dam'd well do it properly.


sorry, dear, I meant that in the basic salutation sense, forgot where I was for a minute lol.

I tend to call everyone Ms. or Mister so-n-so by habit. me bad.


no need to apologize darl...
you are very well trained indeed.
i think you should get your Sir to give you just a little spank for that, or what ever will give you the most pleasure ;)

(in reply to came4U)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/9/2007 8:36:08 PM   
ExquisiteFeline


Posts: 124
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64
lol i think people that can be with one for a lifetime rule cause they built their foundation on trust and care and something that most people do not get respect to put each other first..



That is exactly how i view monogamy, putting the significant first. i am not adverse to additions to a relationship, i like playing with women as much as the next person does. It is about being aware of everyones agenda's and awareness in the involvement, a lot of ppl are selfish, self gratifying, and insecure, generally. i have played with couples, and i am mature and self valuing enough not to disrespect the connection that already exists between the parties. If i had a Dom/Man i would be happy for the occasional plays that involved other people, depending who they are, the intentions, how pure they are and if they were not into or capable of manipulations.
It always comes back to respect and integrity, and if people can honor that. Honest communication, and having the ability to view ones own behavior rather than blaming others or being weak and opting out for something easier. Even a Dominant has to have a sense of humility (actually they make the best Dominants) to not manipulate a situation, environment or psychology for their own self importance, greed and pride. It would not at all make me feel like my Dom was weak, in fact it would prove his strength, and strengthen my submission and respect for him more.
People follow Leaders for two reasons
Fear of (corruption, manipulation, exploitation, misrepresentation, and mis use of power)
Respect.
Some of our known world leaders- Gandhi, Mandala, Bush, Hitler, Kennedy.

Any sub that condones exploitation and misuse of power is not doing the Doms any good, they are nurturing a sociopath, or i guess that is where the strength of submission comes in, 'can i not break before he does', and becomes a humble leader. In that case it is the submissive with the greatest strength and not the Dominant, and it is the submissive's belief that there is a good person in the corrupted Dominant that continues her submission and devotion. This is a service of a submissive, the submissive is also doing a good service when she takes off her collar and says "i am not going to let you treat ppl like that anymore."
i am a submissive, but i am not willing to damage myself. ok got off the subject and crapped on a bit... sorry.

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Losing my monogamy... - 8/10/2007 6:00:17 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

i think you should get your Sir to give you just a little spank for that, or what ever will give you the most pleasure ;)


lol

what Sir? 

are you talking about my invisible Dom again. Did he sneak up behind me and spank me.  Love it when he does that. giggles.

(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)
Profile   Post #: 37
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