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Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/9/2007 5:39:26 PM   
darchChylde


Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline 		(Edited first paragraph out, because it doesn't make sense in this context... i stole this from a recent post of mind in the ask a Mistress forums)

People on both sides of the coin seem to think that finding their counterpart in the bdsm and Ds lifestyles should be easy, and this absolutely blows my mind.  Finding a real and lasting relationship of any kind is supposed to be difficult.  You are not trying to pick out your car color or style of sockes here, you are looking for someone to share the most intimate details and moments of your life with. 

Finding a Dominant or a submissive is not supposed to be easier than finding a vanilla lifemate; there are more inherent risks to your emotional, physical and mental (and yes, sometimes finacial) well-being in the lifestyle than in the mundane.  You don't go to Doms r Us and pick out one and tailor it to fit. 

If you're looking for someone from here.

You look at the most superficial aspects possible in their profile.

You follow up in their journal and posts and see if maybe you might fit in their life, and decide if they might fit in yours.

You then attempt to contact them.  Remember to read their entire profile and journals.  Come up with something original to tell them, no cut and paste and no one liners.  Let them know what you have to offer, and why you think that they may be a good fit for you.  Unless they post a desire for it, avoid lists of your wants and desires in the bedroom and dungeon.  If your profile doesn't have a pic, include one in your introductory and avoid cockshot and excess nudity (again, unless they say they want a cockshot).  Try a clear face pic.

If they see the same possibilities in you that you see in them, you may then move onto chat or email correspondance.

After some time you may then decide to exchange numbers, where you don't have minutes, hours or days to think and rethink the proper thing to say or way to respond to look the best in their eyes.

Eventually, you may decide to set up a public meet; hopefully taking all the proper precautions on both sides.  You'll usually want to do this several times over at least a month before you come to terms on contracts or move to physical interaction.

If all goes well, you have spent a lot of time in getting to know the person you are devoting so much of your time and energy into and have found the counterpart that you seek.  This can take months or even years or trial and error, and guess what; you may never find that perfect fit for you.
_________________________________________________________________

If you meet someone at a munch, social or other event; you can skip the first couple of steps here, but you're still going to have to put alot of time and energy into finding THE ONE.



Ok everyone, i may have missed stuff; but oh well, i tried.

< Message edited by darchChylde -- 8/9/2007 6:00:52 PM >

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/9/2007 5:54:27 PM   
Phin


Posts: 1802
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		well said...

_____________________________

"Isn't wonderful when our bruises show what we hide in the back of our heads?"Fayetteville band, Nephilym

"He is my angel, my devil, my naughty boy, but above anything else my Master"My girl sin

(in reply to darchChylde)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/9/2007 6:00:33 PM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		I agree, very well said.  Patience is definitely a virtue that pays off royally here, getting to know one another vital.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to darchChylde)
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RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/9/2007 6:01:03 PM   
umisprite


Posts: 132
Joined: 6/16/2007
Status: offline 		It's not easy, that's for sure. But well worth the effort.

_____________________________

My mistakes are neither pretty nor little.

(in reply to darchChylde)
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RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/9/2007 6:21:19 PM   
Macslittleimp


Posts: 50
Joined: 4/12/2007
Status: offline 		Very well said.  I am a firm believer in the fact that nothing worth having comes easily and this certainly transfers well into relationships.  Whether D/s, M/s, vanilla, or whatever, relationships take a lot of work from both sides.  Nothing one-sided ever works properly.  Now contrary to many people's thinking, the work doesn't end when you do find "the One", this is only the beginning.  A good relationship is like a well-oiled machine.  It needs maintenance.  Becoming static or sedentary is bound to lead to problems.  When each individual in the relationship works to maintain that relationship, keep it growing, keep it fun, keep it interesting, the rewards are well worth the effort put in.  There's an old saying that says, "you only get out of it what you put in."  So when friends come to me and complain about the dynamics of their current relationship, my first question is always the same.  "What have you done for your relationship lately other than just be there and be in it?"  Food for thought, and just my two cents..  Great post my lil darch one!!

_____________________________

"It's the submissives that show to others what type of Dom owns them." - Anonymous

(in reply to umisprite)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/10/2007 1:06:21 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline 		 I am also amazed at how many people seem to expect that you do not have to put time and effort into finding the right partner. Yes, it is a pain in the butt to write personal messages to each and every person who interests you on a personals site and yes, it is time consuming to go to events and munches. But when you're looking for someone as a long term or life partner it isn't easy! As you say, add in the BDSM elements and you've added another layer of complexity. Frustration is par for the course.

There is a reason that many BDSM relationships don't last past four months. When you find compatible kinks, there is often chemistry missing or you have differing relationship goals. The sheer joy of having a partner who loves the same thing as you keeps things going for a short time, but soon you find that you can't talk with them unless it is about that particular kink and you both move on. Chemistry between two people without matching kinks can keep things going a bit longer, but in the end, unless every one's needs are being met things do not work well.

I'm also surprised at the FemDom who expect submissive males to pursue them and then complain that the quality of submissive isn't what they're seeking. I did a post about this a few months back. Approaching finding a partner http://www.collarchat.com/m_997741/tm.htm As a Dominant, I did more of the pursuing. I do not understand Dominants who only pay attention to those who contact them. While I did not rule someone out because they initiated first contact, I knew that I wanted someone to be a 24/7/365 TPE submissive. Someone overly aggressive in pursuing me didn't seem like someone who would then have the personality to let me take the lead in all things. To put it simply, you do not buy a wolf when you want a lap dog. Sure, they may have some traits in common, but the wolf is going to behave according to his nature. Don't complain when he pees on the rug, steels your dinner off your plate or bites you. Make sure what you're shopping for is what you really want!


_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to darchChylde)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/10/2007 7:00:46 AM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		Great thread darchChylde,
 
We do seem to have a rash of folks complaining lately about the difficulty of finding someone when they are seeking "one" out of millions to be their perfect match...i am still blaming it on the heatwave because surely people have more sense than this!!ROFL!!

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to darchChylde)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/10/2007 7:46:57 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

People on both sides of the coin seem to think that finding their counterpart in the bdsm and Ds lifestyles should be easy, and this absolutely blows my mind.
  
This part I agree with.  To expect that anything will automatically be easy is unrealistic.  I suspect many of those who have that expectation are coming to this lifestyle with the fantasy of lots of pliant submissives ripe for the taking, which sets them up with false expectations.

quote:

 Finding a real and lasting relationship of any kind is supposed to be difficult. 

Oh?  Why?  Fact is, sometimes it does turn out to be very easy.  You turn a corner in your life, meet the right person at the right time and it all just easily clicks into place.  That may not be what happens most of the time, but I have to wonder how much of that difficulty people make for themselves.  Or as the poem put it, "T'is by our follies that so long, we hold the earth from heaven away."

quote:

You are not trying to pick out your car color or style of sockes here, you are looking for someone to share the most intimate details and moments of your life with.

True, but why is that supposed to be any more difficult?  Why exactly is it more difficult for some than for others?  We're talking about making a choice, a decision.  Deciding what you want means knowing what you want.  So perhaps the trouble isn't the choice... but that most are unclear about exactly what they want.  You know what they say, how will you know when you get there, if you don't know where you are going? 

quote:

Finding a Dominant or a submissive is not supposed to be easier than finding a vanilla lifemate; there are more inherent risks to your emotional, physical and mental (and yes, sometimes finacial) well-being in the lifestyle than in the mundane. 

We all take various forms of risk every day.  We drive cars, we get on airplaines (is there anything more unnatural than getting into a giant metal tube, piloted by two total strangers, held aloft by two thin strips of metal as it hurtles over 500 miles an hour through the air 10,000+ feet in the air?  Sounds a lot scarier put that way, doesn't it.), we go to new places, we eat fast food (okay, that one I WON'T do)... we take risks, yet we don't let that stop us.  So why do we let other risks stop us... is it because the risk is greater?  I'm an entrepreneur, I take financial risks that would probably terrify some of you reading this... most of the time it doesn't even phase me, why not?  Its about fear, we let our fears hold us back, paralyze us from making decisions sometimes even when we do know what we want.  That's why one guy will sit there staring a cross a club at the girl of his dreams and never say a thing... and the next guy smiles, walks over and says hello... its not about the risk, its about the fear.

quote:

If you're looking for someone from here.


Honestly, looking for someone on here is playing long odds.  Male dominants compete with dozens if not hundreds of other emails a day for a submissive's attention.  They may have written the most eloquent and mind blowing letter of all time... and it gets lost in the deluge and is never read by her... so it goes.  The forums and chatrooms are a bit better, there you at least have a chance to distinguish yourself.  From what I hear, the odds aren't much better for submissive men looking for a Domme.

Personally, if I were giving odds... I'd take your chances in a laundry mat over this place.

quote:

If you meet someone at a munch, social or other event; you can skip the first couple of steps here, but you're still going to have to put alot of time and energy into finding THE ONE.

Ah.... "the one"... there's another myth people would be a helluva lot healthier without.  There is no "One" out there for any of us.  Statistically there's actually about 50,000 people each of us could find happiness with... course that's out of 6 billion so its still 1 in 120,000...   Most people's problem is they only have a vague idea what any one of those 50,000 people might be like... so if they find just one, seems like a damn miracle... and the myth just goes on and on.  Add to that that many people don't do a lot to really improve their chances, they limit themselves, their options and their choices unnecessarily and... well... hardly a surprise how many can't find their "One" ...or anyone.

Just yesterday I was speaking with someone who had only thought to look for submissives at munches and personals sites.  I asked him a simple question... where did he think all those submissives were when they weren't at munches?  They're doing laundry, buying groceries, going out to clubs, resteraunts, movies, etc. just like the rest of us.  I think it was an eye opener for him, any dominant could meet a submissive almost anywhere, any submissive could meet a dominant almost anywhere (and we dominants are likely to stand out more just because of our nature, that tell-tale assertivness and confidence), and you just never know what's around the next corner in your life.

Some days its easy... some days its hard... life's funny that way.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to darchChylde)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/10/2007 8:59:23 AM   
BrutalMasterOne


Posts: 53
Joined: 4/8/2007
Status: offline 		Having been very fortunate in my life to find many slaves over the 50 years I have been involved in all of this, and STILL finding them, I can certainly totally agree that patience is the virtue.
 
I often point out to those who are impatient that it is hard to find someone to love/desire, etc. in the real vanila world. There almost two thirds of relationships end in disaster. Well we here are a smaller group and one with even more specific wants and desires. So if and when we find what we want we should make a really great effort to hold onto it and keep it.
 
Most of my relationships are measured in years not weeks or months, and they take time to nurture and make work. But boy, when they work they are wonderful.

(in reply to darchChylde)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/10/2007 10:24:40 AM   
ocilla


Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag
quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde
quote:

If you meet someone at a munch, social or other event; you can skip the first couple of steps here, but you're still going to have to put alot of time and energy into finding THE ONE.


Ah.... "the one"... there's another myth people would be a helluva lot healthier without.  There is no "One" out there for any of us.  Statistically there's actually about 50,000 people each of us could find happiness with... course that's out of 6 billion so its still 1 in 120,000...   Most people's problem is they only have a vague idea what any one of those 50,000 people might be like... so if they find just one, seems like a damn miracle... and the myth just goes on and on.  Add to that that many people don't do a lot to really improve their chances, they limit themselves, their options and their choices unnecessarily and... well... hardly a surprise how many can't find their "One" ...or anyone.


I have never believed in "THE ONE" theory in my experience it just seems to give people an excuse to behave badly or find fault with their current or potential "one".  I've witnessed ridiculuous self defeating behavior in the "but what if they are THE ONE?" scenarios. 

So my folks have been married and happily (its true - believe it)  for 50 years.  On a different site this issue came up and I thought - well I have some in house experts here, let's just ask em.  Here's their response:

I asked them, "do yall think of each other as your soulmate?" They chuckled at me and said, "well after 50 years yeeaahh", kind of sarcastically.

So I ammended my approach and asked, "do you believe you have only one soul mate?". They again chuckled indulgently at me as if I were 7 years old instead of 43 and said," well of course we have more than one soul mate - we have many soul mates - it is what you do, your behavior, the commitment you make, the collaboration you create that makes a rewarding partnership with a soulmate.".

Something to think about.


_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/10/2007 10:28:12 AM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline 		People need to stop expecting instant gratification and actually put in the work required to find a compatible partner.  No, it's not easy, and yes, it takes time.  But once you do find that person whose needs and desires mesh with yours so perfectly; to say it was worth the effort is a gross understatement.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to BrutalMasterOne)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/10/2007 12:28:13 PM   
e01n


Posts: 1472
Status: offline 		I call it "netification" - the idea that whatever I want is out there and can just be googled, be it a book or a babe. It's not going to go away anytime soon except by the efforts of individuals... (this might sound familiar to people who know me)

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/10/2007 6:09:46 PM   
riadre


Posts: 8
Joined: 8/4/2007
Status: offline 		Hahaha - very true. There will always be people who think that relationships are supposed to be easy and simple - regardless of whether or not it begins over the internet.

quote:

Oh?  Why?  Fact is, sometimes it does turn out to be very easy.  You turn a corner in your life, meet the right person at the right time and it all just easily clicks into place.  That may not be what happens most of the time, but I have to wonder how much of that difficulty people make for themselves.  Or as the poem put it, "T'is by our follies that so long, we hold the earth from heaven away."


This is true, but I suspect we are talking about those people who think that a relationship should require no work whatsoever, and who rely purely on chemistry and natural compatibility to miraculously overcome even the tiny issues without any need for communication and problem solving whatsoever.

For these people; they'll learn, and better through reading something like this than hard experience.

(in reply to e01n)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/10/2007 6:30:59 PM   
MasterGremlin


Posts: 230
Joined: 12/30/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

(Edited first paragraph out, because it doesn't make sense in this context... i stole this from a recent post of mind in the ask a Mistress forums)

People on both sides of the coin seem to think that finding their counterpart in the bdsm and Ds lifestyles should be easy, and this absolutely blows my mind.  Finding a real and lasting relationship of any kind is supposed to be difficult.  You are not trying to pick out your car color or style of sockes here, you are looking for someone to share the most intimate details and moments of your life with. 

Finding a Dominant or a submissive is not supposed to be easier than finding a vanilla lifemate; there are more inherent risks to your emotional, physical and mental (and yes, sometimes finacial) well-being in the lifestyle than in the mundane.  You don't go to Doms r Us and pick out one and tailor it to fit. 

If you're looking for someone from here.

You look at the most superficial aspects possible in their profile.

You follow up in their journal and posts and see if maybe you might fit in their life, and decide if they might fit in yours.

You then attempt to contact them.  Remember to read their entire profile and journals.  Come up with something original to tell them, no cut and paste and no one liners.  Let them know what you have to offer, and why you think that they may be a good fit for you.  Unless they post a desire for it, avoid lists of your wants and desires in the bedroom and dungeon.  If your profile doesn't have a pic, include one in your introductory and avoid cockshot and excess nudity (again, unless they say they want a cockshot).  Try a clear face pic.

If they see the same possibilities in you that you see in them, you may then move onto chat or email correspondance.

After some time you may then decide to exchange numbers, where you don't have minutes, hours or days to think and rethink the proper thing to say or way to respond to look the best in their eyes.

Eventually, you may decide to set up a public meet; hopefully taking all the proper precautions on both sides.  You'll usually want to do this several times over at least a month before you come to terms on contracts or move to physical interaction.

If all goes well, you have spent a lot of time in getting to know the person you are devoting so much of your time and energy into and have found the counterpart that you seek.  This can take months or even years or trial and error, and guess what; you may never find that perfect fit for you.
_________________________________________________________________

If you meet someone at a munch, social or other event; you can skip the first couple of steps here, but you're still going to have to put alot of time and energy into finding THE ONE.



Ok everyone, i may have missed stuff; but oh well, i tried.


I find that this type of person exists in all types of lifestyles.  I heard something along time ago, I dont remember where from, but it went something like "In order to find Mr/Miss Right, you must first Be Miss/Mr Right" and this is what I usually advise personal friends who seem to be having difficulties finding someone they can have a relationship with.

Sincerely,
minxy

(in reply to darchChylde)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/10/2007 6:49:54 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Padraig..Maybe its not that people seek the "one"..they simply seek...just..."one"..the one that feels just "right", kinda like the 3 bears story.............Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/10/2007 7:16:04 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

Padraig..Maybe its not that people seek the "one"..they simply seek...just..."one"..the one that feels just "right", kinda like the 3 bears story.............Tempting

You may very well be right... but what they miss is that there aren't just three beds or three chairs or three bowls of porridge... there's about 6 billion... and potentially up to 50,000 could be "just right".  What Ocilla shared regarding her parents and their views on soul mates was spot on with what I'm saying.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/12/2007 5:38:57 AM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		You are right Padriag..Ocilla's parents were spot on..But there still had to be an initial "something" to start off..and of course being the old woman that I am..I also understand that such entails much work, compromise,and acceptance. But I also know that in some relationships of long term standing, some stay together for other reasons besides the mutual respect and continuing growing love of another, such as habit, fear of unknown,finances ad infinitum..In the case of my own parents marriage, they have been married for 57 years..good and bad times..I have seen the work that such entails..but I have also seen the continuing depth of love also develop into what they have now.So yes they are soul mates but it had a beginning and a middle....and far into the future (I hope)..and ending as well..Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/12/2007 8:14:42 AM   
Rockwell


Posts: 63
Status: offline 		Tempting...

You are beautiful!

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/12/2007 8:23:45 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		I agree that the effort should be made, but............by both equally.....and sometimes one tries a lot harder than the other over a long period of time, and that is not reciprocated.  Perhaps it is reciprocated in the way, that one feels it "should" be, but in the other's eyes, it is not their definition of reciprocation.  So this can cause communication problems on exactly what "effort" is defined as.

(in reply to Rockwell)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Why Ask Why? Just put some real effort into it. - 8/12/2007 8:27:53 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		It's a two way street, and one can only walk on their own side.  :)

(in reply to mmb1)
Profile   Post #: 20
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