Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves...

Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (Full Version)

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SayaNereida -> Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 8:02:48 AM)
I've only been here a short time, but have been reading the posts every day. There have been many like me that are new and groping for understanding. I'm beginning to wonder if many of us don't put too much pressure on ourselves, our partner, and the relationship by trying to understand, define and live a certain way. All the questions of; should a Dom/sub/Master/slave do , am I a true/real * and on and on.* I ask this, how is this type of relationship truly any different than any other relationship you have? Did we need others or a book of rules to define us as daughters, wifes, mothers, fathers, sons, husbands, etc.? There are no rule books for ANY relationships, why do people believe this is any different? By the way, IS there a rule book or bible to bdsm that I haven't found yet? [sm=whoa.gif]

dawntreader -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 8:09:36 AM)
Greetings SayaNereida, i think that since you have a partner, you are definitely at an advantage to most that come here in search of one. From experience, it is the search for one to explore with that creates alot of stress and angst. I could read all i wanted on the subject ( and did) but until i could experience it in real life...well alot of frustration~ There are alot of good books, a simple search on google will bring up many and we have archived threads on reccomended books - just hit search far right of this screen. j

RCdc -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 8:14:25 AM)
quote: I ask this, how is this type of relationship truly any different than any other relationship you have? It isn't. quote: Did we need others or a book of rules to define us as daughters, wifes, mothers, fathers, sons, husbands, etc.? No because these are set definitions. Completely different to the subjectiveness of BDSM. quote: There are no rule books for ANY relationships, why do people believe this is any different? There are. But there are also guides and self help books just like there is for anything. Take what you want and discard the stuff that doesn't assist. Peace the.dark.

UR2Badored -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 8:15:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SayaNereida Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... only you can determine how hard you rub I've only been here a short time, but have been reading the posts every day. There have been many like me that are new and groping for understanding. Nothing makes a statement of understanding like groping does. I'm beginning to wonder if many of us don't put too much pressure on ourselves, our partner, and the relationship by trying to understand, define and live a certain way. Other people's definition of the lifestyle are just that. All the questions of; should a Dom/sub/Master/slave do , am I a true/real * and on and on.* Real and true are subjective terms--soley opinion based. I ask this, how is this type of relationship truly any different than any other relationship you have? Exactly it not so different from any other relationships-- other than the individually based preferences we all have..........characteristics to which you are attracted to varies just like any other relationship (These may change in time and some may be your standard ). Did we need others or a book of rules to define us as daughters, wifes, mothers, fathers, sons, husbands, etc.? subjective to the person or persons involved....some people need more definitions and guidance in their lives than others. The question is: Are you one of those people? There are no rule books for ANY relationships, why do people believe this is any different? Who believes this? ....live out your own fantasies . By the way, IS there a rule book or bible to bdsm that I haven't found yet? [sm=whoa.gif] Yes, there is a rule book, and it's mailed out to new BDSMers every other Tuesday. I dont have privy to the copy.......but it is out there. Remember you are the only one that has to live with your choices..... chit!.......if forgot to read the OP's profile before I responded..........

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 8:16:08 AM)
People want to feel like they belong. It's one of the great ironies of being in any "alternative" situation is that the majority of people who get into really just want to fit in, be accepted, be welcomed, and go along with the crowd. The first thing people say is "Oh this is so awesome, I can finally shed all the awful superficial crap that I've felt trapped by, all the rules and standards, I can finally live my life the way I choose!" The second thing people say is "Please tell me what I need to do/say/be in order to get it right?" And if they don't exist (which they don't) they create or cling to rules given to them by someone else. And soon enough they are right back to where they've always been- only more confused now because they KNOW it's not quite working for them, but not ready yet to just do it the way they want. Hopefully in time, we all just break free to be who we are.

sub4hire -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 8:16:40 AM)
In my opinion, this sort of relationship is only different because we have sex together. Kinky..or vanilla. Same as in any marriage. I do believe new people do put too much pressure on themselves to be a specific way. Even though that particular way has not been defined by anyone yet. There is no right or wrong way to live this lifestyle. My dom and I. We are 100% power exchange and a little play added in. For most you talk to on the net it is the exact opposite for them. So, you do what feels right to you. Don't put people down for being different than you are. There are a lot of good book's out there. Read them all, then search for more. Just keep in mind even a book is merely a person's opinion. You don't have to agree and it is not the one true way you are seeking. It is merely an opinion.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 8:28:20 AM)
The majority of the new people here putting undo pressure on themselves arent trying to actually understand what they are getting into. They are trying to be what they have been lead to believe those of us with more experience want. Instead of enjoying the relative freedom being inthe lifestyle allows us, since the vanilla societal expectations arent the norm and those of us who are Dominant can be Dominant and those of us who are submissive can be submissive without either being looked at as strange, they try and become the specific slave every dominant would want. Or they try and mold themselves into the overly strict, demanding and demeaning Dominant they believe every save is dying to serve. They dont go with the flow of the feelings and actions, they try and preplan how to react to every situaton that might come up. I have a feeling the majority of us went through this. But, once you do get your feet wet, reality tends to smooth out the rough edges and you learn to losten up. It took me less time than most, since I had a mentor. It takes some a very long while, depending on those in the lifestyle they actually interact with , on and offline. Eventually, though, you get around the urge to try and be mr or ms perfect and you learn to be yourself and let it take you where you want to go. My 2 cents DV

Padriag -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 8:47:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SayaNereida I've only been here a short time, but have been reading the posts every day. There have been many like me that are new and groping for understanding. I'm beginning to wonder if many of us don't put too much pressure on ourselves, our partner, and the relationship by trying to understand, define and live a certain way. All the questions of; should a Dom/sub/Master/slave do *, am I a true/real * and on and on. You're right, many do put too much pressure on themselves. They cheat themselves out of enjoying the process, some put so much pressure on themselves they never really even begin it. quote: I ask this, how is this type of relationship truly any different than any other relationship you have? For the most part, it isn't. The basics still apply as much here as anywhere. Someone asked in another thread if they had what it took to make a D/s relationship work. I suggested that if he hadn't been able to, he'd fail with D/s relationships as well. Some of the dynamics may change, but human nature is what it is... only the expression of it changes. quote: Did we need others or a book of rules to define us as daughters, wifes, mothers, fathers, sons, husbands, etc.? Actually... many apparently do. Its why there are life coaches and psychoanalyst and religions and Dr Phil. A lot of people are asking,"How am I supposed to live... who am I supposed to be... what is my life suppose to mean?" They're very old questions, people have been asking them for a very long time, mostly because they look for the answers all around them, in the stars, in the clouds, in books, in other people... rather than within themselves, the one place those answers have existed all along. quote: There are no rule books for ANY relationships, why do people believe this is any different? Because they want someone else to validate their choices... see above. quote: By the way, IS there a rule book or bible to bdsm that I haven't found yet? [sm=whoa.gif] I never got around to writing it... seemed pointless to me... I'd just end up breaking all the rules anyway. [;)]

SayaNereida -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 9:57:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UR2Badored Nothing makes a statement of understanding like groping does. Yes, there is a rule book, and it's mailed out to new BDSMers every other Tuesday. I dont have privy to the copy.......but it is out there. I definately like a good grope. Would that be this coming Tuesday because it didn't come last week.[:D] You said at the end 'chit didn't read OP profile before I responded' Is there something wrong with it?

UR2Badored -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 10:00:01 AM)
nothing wrong........at all :) I just like to read profiles before I post my response when possible.

kshearsecouple -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 11:04:02 AM)
Well just my two cents worth. My husband and I are both dominate people by nature. i.e business, home, social settings. So we don't precive our selfves to be wall flowers. Now someone once told me I (the wife) was nilla with some kink. Someone else told me that I was a Domme yet another one told me I was a Mistress. Now i have my own guidlines I follow no one elses. If it feels right to you then by all means run with it. But Like someone else said you have to live with the choices.

violetaelf -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 11:13:45 AM)
There are many definitions that came from people before us and those before them. And there are people who put a lot of pressure on themselves to fit in to one of those because 'they are right' But I always say that those relationship, definitions and rules are right, which are agreed upon and fit the two (three or more) people involved. We learn and research the many different ways, many different people do things and then each should choose what he/she wants.. what works for him/her and find a partner(s) who have discovered that same things are right for them. There is just no one way of doing that.. and although new people try to fit in and find the one right way, sooner or later (and I hope sooner) they realize that the only right way... is what is right for them and their partner(s).. throws two pennies 'violet'

sophia37 -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 11:16:30 AM)
First of all, man am I old! I couldnt even read your post! it seemed way to small to me. Is it me or is it you the poster. Do you like tiny type? lol Of course now that Ive tried to bring your quote into my reply, my own size fonts have been screwy. Maybe no one will be able to read mine now either. Or maybe they'll post giant sized. lolol Forgive me if thats the result. Believe me, I'll be embarassed. ANYWAY, I digress. You wrote this, "Did we need others or a book of rules to define us as daughters, wifes, mothers, fathers, sons, husbands, etc.?" I guess to this I'd say, yes. We do. We most defintely do. We dont live in a void. We are surrounded. And others will see us in the way they see us. Unavoidable really. Thats part of living. And books mostly can show us the way by example. I know Ive found them very useful as Ive gone along. I've read every book by Collette. If ever there was a writer who detailed relationships, she is one. But tell me this. How do we avoid pressure in our lives? Anything we want and need takes doing to achieve. Usually theres a trade off called pressure. Pressure to maintain a "lifestyle". Any lifestyle. There's pressure to achieve your goals, even if set by ones self. Its tuff finding a balance. Personally I need some pressures to get me moving. Im not as motivated as I once was. So I need a kick to keep things going along in whatever way Im headed. Just my two cents for the day. xo Soph

cuddleheart50 -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 11:20:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SayaNereida I've only been here a short time, but have been reading the posts every day. There have been many like me that are new and groping for understanding. I'm beginning to wonder if many of us don't put too much pressure on ourselves, our partner, and the relationship by trying to understand, define and live a certain way. All the questions of; should a Dom/sub/Master/slave do , am I a true/real * and on and on.* I ask this, how is this type of relationship truly any different than any other relationship you have? Did we need others or a book of rules to define us as daughters, wifes, mothers, fathers, sons, husbands, etc.? There are no rule books for ANY relationships, why do people believe this is any different? By the way, IS there a rule book or bible to bdsm that I haven't found yet? [sm=whoa.gif] "Squints" where are my glasses. [:D] Be yourself and you will be just fine.

kshearsecouple -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 11:21:35 AM)
chuckles don't feel bad I had trouble reading it as well...lol

slaveish -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 11:59:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SayaNereida I ask this, how is this type of relationship truly any different than any other relationship you have? This is the million-dollar question that seems to be overlooked with a lot of newbies. It is NO different if you're looking for a relationship that lasts. Find someone who is compatible with you, realize that kink is fun, sex is great, but it probably isn't the Dromedary that will carry you across the desert dynamic as the relationship ages. Your general compatibility becomes the oasis. Heheheheheheheh. That was cheesy.

Padriag -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 12:17:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveish Heheheheheheheh. That was cheesy. Perhaps, but true and also entertaining. [sm=applause.gif]

SayaNereida -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 12:25:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sophia37 First of all, man am I old! I couldnt even read your post! it seemed way to small to me. Is it me or is it you the poster. Do you like tiny type? lol Of course now that Ive tried to bring your quote into my reply, my own size fonts have been screwy. Maybe no one will be able to read mine now either. Or maybe they'll post giant sized. lolol Forgive me if thats the result. Believe me, I'll be embarassed. ANYWAY, I digress. You wrote this, "Did we need others or a book of rules to define us as daughters, wifes, mothers, fathers, sons, husbands, etc.?" But tell me this. How do we avoid pressure in our lives? Anything we want and need takes doing to achieve. Usually theres a trade off called pressure. Pressure to maintain a "lifestyle". Any lifestyle. There's pressure to achieve your goals, even if set by ones self. Its tuff finding a balance. Personally I need some pressures to get me moving. Im not as motivated as I once was. So I need a kick to keep things going along in whatever way Im headed. Just my two cents for the day. xo Soph Sorry about the print size. The few times I've posted the print is either HUGE or tinnie wee. Is this a little better? Some pressure may be unavoidable, but why create more than necisary by trying to build your life to a cookie cutter idea that doesn't fit?

SayaNereida -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 12:32:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cuddleheart50 "Squints" where are my glasses. [:D] Be yourself and you will be just fine. Very sorry for small print, didn't realize it was that bad, honestly. Cuddleheart, honest, I'm just fine; proud and comfortable in who I am. But I have to say, this is the perfect example of how things aren't communicated well in this type of media. I was just noticing that many posts seem to want others to tell them if they are doing things 'the right way'; which what prompted me to begin this post. That and the opportunity to say hi....HI.[sm=hello.gif]

SayaNereida -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 12:41:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark quote: Did we need others or a book of rules to define us as daughters, wifes, mothers, fathers, sons, husbands, etc.? No because these are set definitions. Completely different to the subjectiveness of BDSM. Peace the.dark. With respect, I disagree. Being a child, parent, or person in any relationship does not come with a specific set of rules or definitions. To some being an adult child is caring for your parents when they become unable to themselves, to other adult children putting their parents in a home for others to care for is acceptable. Some parents spank their children, while others do not. My point is, there are no hard and fast rules in other aspects of life, why should this life be any different?

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