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long distance break up - 8/11/2007 5:50:43 AM

tuesdaycries

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

i'm hoping for some advice. i was with my master for three years, and lived together the last year and a half. he introduced me to the lifestyle, and it's something i've grown to love. we ran into troubles towards the end, and he released me about six months ago. i decided to move to live closer to my family and friends, because i wasn't happy living where i was with him. after he learned i was leaving, we were able to patch our relationship together... but i'd already broken my lease, bought my ticket to move, signed a new lease, and found a new job here. He told me to go, and that he would follow in a few months.

he's since told me that it will be at least another year before he can join me, so he can finish his school. the only contact we've had in the past four months is by phone and online i've decided i need to move on, but don't know how to tell him, without hurting him. i love him very much, but being apart like this is just too hard. what should i do?

Post #: 1

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 6:03:21 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Just be honest, that is the best thing in a relationship, if it is ever to survive and even if you are positive that you are moving on, it is best to just offer closure.

(in reply to tuesdaycries)

Post #: 2

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 6:03:45 AM

desiresluv

Posts: 41
Joined: 6/13/2007
Status: offline

Long distance relationships are hard. Only you know what you need to be happy. You should just come out and tell him that you are not willing to wait another year. You didn't mention the reason you seperated the first time so it is hard to say if that should weigh as a factor now. He should understand and if he loves you, he will find a way to be with you, no matter what. I wish you much luck, it is hard to end any kind of relationship, but to have to end one that you really don't want to makes it even tougher. Best of luck to you.

(in reply to tuesdaycries)

Post #: 3

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 6:08:50 AM

tuesdaycries

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

thank you for the suggestions. i don't think i'm trying to hide my feelings from him, i think i'm just tryin to figure out how to tell him. should i call him? write an email? in a chat box? i wish i could do it in person, but it would be the most expensive breakup in my life (not that it isn't already.) he really... really means so much, but already what we have is based on what we used to have. i don't want him to quit school to come to me, i don't think that is fair. i'm sorry for bothering anyone with my question, thank you.

(in reply to desiresluv)

Post #: 4

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 6:11:16 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tuesdaycries

thank you for the suggestions. i don't think i'm trying to hide my feelings from him, i think i'm just tryin to figure out how to tell him. should i call him? write an email? in a chat box? i wish i could do it in person, but it would be the most expensive breakup in my life (not that it isn't already.) he really... really means so much, but already what we have is based on what we used to have. i don't want him to quit school to come to me, i don't think that is fair. i'm sorry for bothering anyone with my question, thank you.

If someone I cared about broke up with me via an email or chat box, I would not respect them. You either meet in person or call them; if you had any type of relationship that went beyond casual, you owe it to them to be upfront.

(in reply to tuesdaycries)

Post #: 5

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 6:12:44 AM

tuesdaycries

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

oh! i did not mean i was afraid to call. i meant what would be least painful for him? i think it's confusing for me, because everything we did share was together, and it's painful to see what it was end in some virtual way. i know that saying goodbye now means i probably will never see him again. saying it on the phone wont do it justice, but a letter (electronic or not) might let him hear all my thoughts, before i fall apart on the phone. and i know in a way, i'm venting a lil about it too. thankyou

< Message edited by tuesdaycries -- 8/11/2007 6:20:25 AM >

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 6

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 6:22:50 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

In defense of him not being able to move now due to school - futhering education is hugely important and needs to take a priority over relationships. If he's more than halfway done school, he will loose a significant number of credits and the money paid for them. An education will last him the rest of his life; a relationship - not so much usually. If you're in a relationship with someone in college, you need to understand that in the chain of priorities, college needs to come first. There really isn't an "if he loves you, he'll move" option.

The willingness to make a relationship work goes both ways - he's not willing to move right now, and you're not willing to move back. If you feel it's time to end things, by all means, tell him sooner rather than later. Given that distance is an issue, a phone call would be the next best thing. Getting dumped online - especially with a longer relationship - really really sucks.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to tuesdaycries)

Post #: 7

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 6:23:06 AM

e01n

Posts: 1472
Status: offline

NB: Least painful is not painless.

Just be clear and precise - no dangling the carrot of "maybe" getting back together unless you really mean to. Given the title of the thread, that doesn't sound the case. And if get involved with someone else in fairly close succession, do be discreet.

Otherwise, you're breaking up with someone. Deal with it as you normally would, Haagen Das and all...

(in reply to tuesdaycries)

Post #: 8

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 6:24:18 AM

Solaise

Posts: 64
Joined: 11/29/2004
Status: offline

You will feel better after you have done what you need to do. You already know what the answer is. Vascillating on it is simply going to add more stress, and more anxiety to the situation.

(in reply to tuesdaycries)

Post #: 9

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 6:26:30 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

tuesday,
It really truly sucks to be in your situation and I feel for the both of you.
No matter how you tell him, he will get hurt. No matter which mode of communication you use, do it soon, do it quickly, and do it with compassion. I speak from experience when I tell you the worse thing you can do to him is continue this and give him false hope.

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to tuesdaycries)

Post #: 10

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 6:31:44 AM

tuesdaycries

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood

In defense of him not being able to move now due to school - futhering education is hugely important and needs to take a priority over relationships. If he's more than halfway done school, he will loose a significant number of credits and the money paid for them. An education will last him the rest of his life; a relationship - not so much usually. If you're in a relationship with someone in college, you need to understand that in the chain of priorities, college needs to come first. There really isn't an "if he loves you, he'll move" option.

thank you MsSonnetMarwood. i agree. i dont' want to give him the option to give up school. his future is important to me too.

e01n, Solaise, and BossyShoeBitch, thank you. i know you're all right, and i'll do it very soon. there isn't anyone "waiting in the wings", and i hope he'll know that. it's tough cuz i know he sometimes reads these boards too; we used to spend a lot of time laughing and talking about the ideas here. ty

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 11

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 6:41:48 AM

e01n

Posts: 1472
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tuesdaycries
it's tough cuz i know he sometimes reads these boards too; we used to spend a lot of time laughing and talking about the ideas here. ty

Oh, bloody fuckin' hell girl! WTF!

Break up with him first, THEN bitch to friends, THEN bitch to the forums!

My stash of HD is now off-limits to you, missy!

ALWAYS treat others BETTER than the way you'd want to be treated - including not talking about people behind their back...

This, as in RIGHT THIS SECOND, would be a good time to go offline, make the phone call and apologize to him for your actions here... If I were on the receiving end of this thread, I'd have to work very hard to NOT be pissed off at you for the rest of your natural life.

Yes, I'm exaggerating a bit - but I'm trying to make a point... Get it yet?

(in reply to tuesdaycries)

Post #: 12

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 6:50:34 AM

tuesdaycries

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

hi e01n,

i understand what you're trying to say. i don't think i was bitching about anything though, nor speaking behind anyone's back. i don't see that asking advice is something i should apologize for. be assured, enough details have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty. if he ever were to find out, i think he would understand my reasons though.

respectfully,

tuesday

(in reply to e01n)

Post #: 13

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 6:57:41 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

But be honest, it would make things much easier for you if he were to stumble across this thread this morning, wouldn't it?

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to tuesdaycries)

Post #: 14

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 7:04:46 AM

e01n

Posts: 1472
Status: offline

Yeah, but the "easy" way is very tacky and in poor form... And somewhat disingenuous and betrays Tues' lack of genuine human decency... It's all about making it easy for her.

Before you continue to rationalize your inaction and "stumble upon" strategy, ask yourself if YOU would want someone to do that to you. I mean, breaking up by phone is bad, but getting dumped by email is even worse.

Finding out that you're broken up by reading about it on a public message board is the absolute fucking worst. It's the nadir of respect.

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)

Post #: 15

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 7:06:25 AM

tuesdaycries

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

respectfully BossyShoeBitch, i know he won't. and no, it would make things much, much harder i'm afraid. i know there's no easy way to prove this isn't an effort to stir drama, but he has issues real time that prevent him from being online much right now. i made this profile just for this question, as well.

thank you though.

t

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)

Post #: 16

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 7:24:42 AM

SubinMaine

Posts: 1888
Joined: 1/7/2006
Status: offline

i'm confused...you love him, you care about him. Long distance *IS* hard, no doubt, but if you truly love and care for him, why aren't you willing to wait until he's done with school?

Is there more to this story? i guess i don't understand, a lot of relationships go through tough spots...you try and work through them. According to your initial post, you two patched things up before you left. He's willing to follow (for now anyway) after he finishes school...why isn't that good enough?

Of course your relationship now is based on what you had in the past, that's what a relationship is...at least, to me it is.

Why is the only option to cut it off?

Forgive my curiosity...it just seems when someone cares for another, and they're not being mistreated in any way (at least you haven't said you've been mistreated), waiting a while to be together in RT again isn't too awful much to ask....

_____________________________

That which yields is not always weak...

(in reply to tuesdaycries)

Post #: 17

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 7:33:12 AM

tuesdaycries

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

SubinMaine, there is more to the story of course, but that is the most important parts. i was happy to wait for a few months to be together, but i'm afraid that a year later we'll both have grown, changed, and that what we will have from then on won't be based on who we are and what we share, but who we were and what we were supposed to be. i'm also afraid he was willing to patch things up, because he probably knew that he wasn't going to actually come, or at least he didn't actually have to commit to coming. we had broken up because he chose to release me; he was frustrated with school, and i was frustrated living somewhere i wasn't happy.

i hope that exsplains things. my biggest fear is that i'll be waiting a year or more, only to be told it'll be another year. i think that's probably more likely to happen, then him actually coming.

t

(in reply to SubinMaine)

Post #: 18

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 7:35:21 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

subinmaine,

I think what she is saying is that the feelings are disappating and now with all this time and distance between them it's enabled her to get some perspective and realize that the relationship has run its course.
or not... I could be way off base here too.

Tuesday,
i honestly don't think you are trying to stir up drama. I know how hard this is for you and I truly feel for the both of you..

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to SubinMaine)

Post #: 19

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 7:37:22 AM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

My goodness you were very quick to judge... i am thinking you must like drama. Why do you assume she is being 'tacky' because she came to this forum asking for advice? She made the mistake of stating one line

"it's tough cuz i know he sometimes reads these boards too; we used to spend a lot of time laughing and talking about the ideas here."

You took that line and ran with it. You have zero idea if the last time he was on, was in 2005 and the chances of him seeing it are 1 in a billion. Frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself for being so quick to judge and immediately found her guilty of "lacking genuine humane decency".

Kettle meet pot; pot meet kettle.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to e01n)

Post #: 20

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