RE: Jealousy and Honesty

RE: Jealousy and Honesty (Full Version)

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slaveish -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty (8/13/2007 2:06:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: brattybabe4u As you all know, Doms have a unique way of getting right to your vulerable soul...the love for them is deeper, more passionate, loyal and at times obsessive than Vanilla love. ~arched brow~ This is straight from a fairy tale, bb. I haven't read any of the replies, but you've ~got~ to get over this way of thinking. A relationship is a relationship is a relationship. Regardless of the type of relationship, all parties must be relatively compatible and must gain something of value from the union, or the relationship fails.

KnightofMists -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty (8/13/2007 4:46:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael The fundamental problem I see is he is searching for a different sort of doormat than you are willing to be. yup... I agree... However, I still see a person being doormat here... As Padraig asked.. why is she still in the relationship? I think she knows what to do... but is looking for the courage to do it! I have to wonder just how much she likes her self... to maintain this situation that is causing her more pain than happiness and last to be apart of his lies. In some ways... I don't think she is much better than he his. He is lying to the others that he has no vanilla girl and she is going along for the ride. Worse part is... she is buying his crap that she doesn't belong in the lifestyle. My opinion is she doesn't belong in the lifestyle with HIM! However, I suspect that she could be very happy in this lifestyle with the right partner. But then.. maybe she doesn't want to be happy!

KnightofMists -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty (8/13/2007 4:47:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveish quote: ORIGINAL: brattybabe4u As you all know, Doms have a unique way of getting right to your vulerable soul...the love for them is deeper, more passionate, loyal and at times obsessive than Vanilla love. ~arched brow~ This is straight from a fairy tale, bb. I haven't read any of the replies, but you've ~got~ to get over this way of thinking. A relationship is a relationship is a relationship. Regardless of the type of relationship, all parties must be relatively compatible and must gain something of value from the union, or the relationship fails. Yup!!! Big DITTO on this one!

brattybabe4u -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty (8/15/2007 5:53:09 AM)
I do appreciate all the feedback. Yes, intellectually, I know what to do. Why do I stay?....certainly it has to do with self like and self esteem. I recently divorced the same type of narcissitic man after 20 yrs of marriage. However,with him, my sexuality was nonexistent. I guess I was attracted to this Dominant because he opened the door to my sexuality. Something is opening my eyes for I am seeing the predator more and more. Also, the more educated I become reading this site, the more I realize that my needs are important too....submission does not mean suffering. I have much to offer and yes, I do enjoy many aspects of the BDSM lifestyle. Slaveish you hit home!!! Would I put up with this nonsense in a traditional vanilla relationship? Would I believe that practicing a different lifestyle would change the expectations and interactions between human beings? NO!! I have met so many wonderful people and some awful people at parties, munches amd conferences....no different than any other lifestyle. I am severing the cord. I knew change was happening when I no longer felt jealousy for the new woman.....just pit. Again, thanks to all of you for the tough love....This truly was a growing experience. I do hope someday to have a mutually satisfying relationship with someone who can share their knowledge as I me explore in a healthy way.

becca333 -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty (8/15/2007 6:36:42 AM)
I think you know what to do - dump him and find someone better. But before you go, carefully insert a few dozen prawns (or shellfish of your choice) into the curtain rods in his house... itching powder in his underwear drawer, etc. Or, an even better revenge, get involved in the real BDSM scene (not like this wannabe who's just in it for the bonking). Explore your desires and needs, get in touch with your true nature, and find a purely wonderful Dom/Domme/sub/switch who fulfills you wonderfully and values you as you should be. You deserve WAY better than him.

corsetgirl -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty (8/15/2007 9:29:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: becca333 I think you know what to do - dump him and find someone better. But before you go, carefully insert a few dozen prawns (or shellfish of your choice) into the curtain rods in his house... itching powder in his underwear drawer, etc. Or, an even better revenge, get involved in the real BDSM scene (not like this wannabe who's just in it for the bonking). Explore your desires and needs, get in touch with your true nature, and find a purely wonderful Dom/Domme/sub/switch who fulfills you wonderfully and values you as you should be. You deserve WAY better than him. Becca: I love your answer on revenge - lol. I have to agree with the previous posts. When you have gotten over this poor excuse for a dominant, attend some munches and expand your network of friends who are in the lifestyle. After not attending these parties in two years, I have finally decided to get involved in a new group of people who are very nice. Good luck!

KnightofMists -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty (8/15/2007 5:06:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: brattybabe4u ....This truly was a growing experience. I do hope someday to have a mutually satisfying relationship with someone who can share their knowledge as I me explore in a healthy way. I wish you the best... you seem to have learned alot from the experience and from other sources as well... keep on learning. good luck

MissAnthropic -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty (8/15/2007 6:41:42 PM)
Dear Bratty, I truely hope you've left that situation and moved on. You learned something valuable about yourself, what your hard limits are. If nothing else, that was somethign valuable you needed to find out, the big ask is to then move on to something better. Not all men are like that and definately not all Dom's. I wish you luck in your Search. Jess

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty (8/15/2007 7:30:52 PM)
To the OP..amazing how after a divorce of many years ,the depths we go to, to prove our own worthiness...especially to ourselves...Tempting

brattybabe4u -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty (8/16/2007 5:56:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: brattybabe4u I do appreciate all the feedback. Yes, intellectually, I know what to do. Why do I stay?....certainly it has to do with self like and self esteem. I recently divorced the same type of narcissitic man after 20 yrs of marriage. However,with him, my sexuality was nonexistent. I guess I was attracted to this Dominant because he opened the door to my sexuality. the more educated I become reading this site, the more I realize that my needs are important too....submission does not mean suffering. I have much to offer and yes, I do enjoy many aspects of the BDSM lifestyle. Slaveish you hit home!!! Would I put up with this nonsense in a traditional vanilla relationship? Would I believe that practicing a different lifestyle would change the expectations and interactions between human beings? NO!! I have met so many wonderful people and some awful people at parties, munches amd conferences....no different than any other lifestyle. I am severing the cord. I knew change was happening when I no longer felt jealousy for the new woman.....just pit. Again, thanks to all of you for the tough love....This truly was a growing experience. I do hope someday to have a mutually satisfying relationship with someone who can share their knowledge as I me explore in a healthy way.

brattybabe4u -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty (8/16/2007 6:33:33 AM)
You are so right! The divorce experience brings back all the demons that challenge the inner core of self worth. That validation can only come from me and nobody else...but I can say first hand, when down, someone can come along, take advantage and suck the life out of you!!!! This should be a time for celebration. After 20 years, I am free to do and explore anything I want....the possibilities are limitless!!....and scary. I think it was easier to slip back and find that controlling person, whether positive or not, than go out there on my own. Its time to be "a big girl now". Thanks for all the great suggestions. I do have people I met at local parties that call just to see how I am doing. My Dom says they just want to "boink" me and don't really care...or better yet, that they are jealous of him and are getting back at him through me. He also suggested I stop all correspondence on this site with "cyber wanna bes" True, I was naive when I got involved with him....but he taught me some of the red flags to watch out for! This is a great site with so many people coming together with common interests. I have learned much!

sweetNsmartBBW -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty (8/16/2007 6:46:19 AM)
BTW...I agree with everyone here, and while not the vindictive type, I think this weekend would be a GREAT time to go retrieve some of your hidden personal effects. Not only is this man using you, but he's using and lying to a sumbmissive that does not know about your existence. Nothing wrong with killing two birds with one stone; after all, she's an unknowing victim in all this.

brattybabe4u -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty (8/18/2007 12:02:35 PM)
Oh, I failed to mention I did just that. He met me at the front door, shirt off, hair ruffled and in anger, told me to leave. I saw her cosmetic bag and purse in the hallway. I lost it....and we exchanged words, I cried and left. It was awful. I was embarassed. She knows of me....this was her first visit and she has come back since. Now, what she may have been told about me.....I will never know. It really doesn't matter. She will be going to an event with him this weekend (and it kills me)....and I will be trying to mend my broken heart and look towards the future. I know I did the right thing, but it sure doesn't make the hurt any less.

brattybabe4u -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty and the Aftermath (8/19/2007 6:17:57 PM)
Hi Everyone, The follow through of my decision is much harder and painful than I imagined. I know he will be with her next weekend. That should be enough to support my decision to break it off. Instead, it makes me miserable...just sickens my stomach. If only I could only "focus on enjoying the time we share together".but I can't because I know, no matter how great that time is, .... He will still see her.......over and over, more and more. I realized, out of the last eight weekends he saw her four of them.....no, I get weekdays because every other weekend was a trip or activity too. I am ashamed to say that it doesn't to take much to suck me back in....some attention, kind words, a few phone calls. I know there will be a next time and it will be even more painful. And....are there any non-poly DOMS? monogamous?........ or is it a part of the lifestyle? I know now this is a limit for me.....unreasonable?

Celeste43 -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty and the Aftermath (8/20/2007 6:56:17 AM)
I'm with a monogamous dominant and we've been together four years now. So yes, there are some around. You won't meet that many in public because they don't play with others, so why go out? Figure out what you need, not just in kink activities but in a life partner and read profiles. If you find someone who appeals then you write them. Male doms get so little responses to their emails that many give up and stop sending out letters to people they don't know. But they'll all be thrilled to get an email from a woman who wants to know them better. And don't rush it. It will all be here next week or next year for that matter. You don't need to do everything today.

feastie -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty and the Aftermath (8/20/2007 7:11:15 AM)
bratty, Give yourself time. Healing doesn't occur over night. When you find yourself thinking about him or them, find another activity to divert your attention and fill your mind. Grieve, certainly, but don't wallow in it. If you've been unable to get your things, call him and make an appointment to do just that, or request that he gather your things so that you can pick them up. Achieve some balance in your life before you start looking for someone else. Good luck.

fatkat -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty (8/20/2007 11:31:24 AM)
The power exchange is so intense for both involved that jealously can be stronger in this type of relationship than in a vanilla. some doms, although they do it, can't even handle having their slaves have sex with other men. this type of behavior can make people turn against one another, causes jealously. jealousy is a form of insecurity, fear. it could be both parties have an insecurity about one another. the only way to know is to communicate everything. if he is not willing to understand what he is missing you can't force him. it takes so much energy and when that energy becomes negative you need to look for someone who will make it work with you. he is apparently using all of his energy trying to remain unattached. If a dom feels he has no control over his slave he can begin to doubt himself never realizing how much power he truly has over you. just remember this you cannot change anyone. a person has to have the desire to change inside themselves if it not there it will not happen. when you have that desire to change a person can support that change but cannot force it.

brattybabe4u -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty and the Aftermath (8/20/2007 5:29:54 PM)
thank you. So its ok to answer and let him know I seek a monogamous relationship? Are there DOMs out there willing to accept that? You are right, its not all about Kink...but certainly about a relationship and compatability. Congratulations on your 4 yrs.....I will heal "thyself" and then look for a DOM that is right for me. I can tell I am not attracted to most vanilla men. I love the intensit that comes with Kink..but if I could have what you describe, it would be the best of both worlds. Thanks again.

WhiplashSmile -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty (8/20/2007 5:51:12 PM)
Personally, I think if he's into the "Work it out or too bad" frame of mind. Then this means he's willing to continue what he's doing. So, if you leave him basically "too bad" for him because he is set in his ways about it. It's your choice to stay with him and have your heart and self esteem and ruined over this. If he's hiding any traces of you being in his life, when other women come around he's not being honest with them. He's only putting on an ACT, A show or an illusion for this other women. Personally, I would not be able to trust him. If I don't trust somebody, I don't respect them, if I can't respect and trust somebody, what's the point to being with them? For what the Great Sex? Personally, you can find somebody else that I'm certain would give you the great Sex, and plus you might actually Trust, repect and enjoy being with them. Instead you suffer through three day weekends Alone? Hell, You are Alone? Why not make a change in your life, where you are not alone? What do you have to loose? Is it fear of being Alone? Because it sounds like you are damn near there anyways... at least when it comes to many of the weekends. Life is too short... What's the point to being with somebody when they are not with you anyways? What's the point to having a relationship when it's really not a relationship? Perhaps I'm missing something, giving out Bad advice or perhaps I'm just being too damn judgemental for my own good here. But these are my honest thoughts on the matter. Everybody does not have to agree with me, Hell you don't even have to agree with me. It's my Point of View and thoughts I'm sharing with you.

Redoubt -> RE: Jealousy and Honesty and the Aftermath (8/20/2007 5:53:47 PM)
This guy sounds like he did a number on you, and that's going to take quite a bit of healing. But you know what? We do eventually heal, and we find something better, learning from our mistakes. I wish you much happiness in getting to know you. Be safe and well :)

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