who pays for what? (Full Version)

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seekingRLagain -> who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:01:35 PM)

when you are making plans for a real life meeting.. who pays for what.  the one i am speaking with is telling me it is fuly my dime. but being on a very low/limited budget i really cant afford to stay for the entire 2 weeks he wishs me to. if its my dime i can only stay a weekend..lol... between hotel plane fair food and so on.. i almost want to say no to the meet if thats the case. he speaks of real life soon 24/7 and marriage later but if its that serious in my eyes shouldnt he pay half? sorry to be blunt .. but if i am paying my whole way and the chance of play or even sexual encounters.. i dont want to come home feeling i got screwed in more ways then one....any ideas? thanks teri



CutieMouse -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:10:21 PM)

My income/financial situation is *signifigantly* different than his; he invited me to spend 2 weeks, and paid for everything  - my flight, meals, entertainment/adventure sorts of things, trinkets to bring home, etc. (well, I paid for my lunch/dinner at the airport, and the $10 fee at customs for entering the country LOL) I was his guest, which (to him) meant I didn't pay for anything.



came4U -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:26:56 PM)

yes, I agree CutieMouse, especially since he invited you., I believe he should pay your fare and since you are the guest, also be responsible for meals etc.  I would bring spending money though, and mad money. 



angelic -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:30:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingRLagain

when you are making plans for a real life meeting.. who pays for what.  the one i am speaking with is telling me it is fuly my dime. but being on a very low/limited budget i really cant afford to stay for the entire 2 weeks he wishs me to. if its my dime i can only stay a weekend..lol... between hotel plane fair food and so on.. i almost want to say no to the meet if thats the case. he speaks of real life soon 24/7 and marriage later but if its that serious in my eyes shouldnt he pay half? sorry to be blunt .. but if i am paying my whole way and the chance of play or even sexual encounters.. i dont want to come home feeling i got screwed in more ways then one....any ideas? thanks teri


Without reading any other responses...  one word comes to mind.  RUN!



kyraofMists -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:34:41 PM)

It all depends on the people involved and what you decide you want. 

When I went to visit for the first time I paid for my airfare, for the hotel and I expected to pay for my food while I was there.  For me, I would have never contemplated a long distance relationship if I did not have the financial means to support building that relationship.

He makes quite a bit more money that I do, but I certainly did not expect for him to pay for me to come visit the first time.  He did end up paying for my food while I was there, but getting myself there was my responsibility.  I would have thought him foolish to pay for airfare for a person he had never met.

Now, it is all his money whether it comes from my job or his, so he pays for it all now *g*

Knight's Kyra



TankII7871 -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:34:48 PM)

OK this is where the male sexist in me comes out.  I believe that the Man should pay. Just like I believe the Man should open doors.  When I was raised it was just good manners.  More than one girl has gotten a dirty look from me for touching a door handle with out permission. Even a couple that got spanked in a public parking lot and had to play the in the car out of the car game.

Eric

Waiting to be hit by something thrown



toughmaster007 -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:35:39 PM)

I think it is only appropriate that he pays for the trip. If he is not able to afford the trip then you should probably consider sharing or cutting down the stay. But in essence I think it is his responsibility to pay for the entire trip



SusanofO -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:36:28 PM)

What a tight-wad!! I offer to pay for the whole trip as a Domme, and half as a submissive (once I offerred to pay for the whole trip as a submissive, but it was actually because I wasn't sure how things were going to work out, and didn't want to feel obligated to them if things didn't work out). I am a Switch.

Nothing gets my blood boiling faster than a tight-wad. I could never put up with one in real life. I've got my own money, so it's not like I need theirs; it's the idea they wouldn't offer, at least to pay for at least half the expenses that makes me crazy. I think not even offerring is extremely rude. This guy sounds like a loser and a user (to me).

Unless there is some overhwelming circumstance that makes this person not be able to offer to pay at least half the expenses, I know I'd personally run in the other direction.

If he (or she) is old enough to be seeking a partner - then they should already know that at some point, this may entail an out-of-town meeting. If they aren't prepared to fund the trip at at least half-way, then they don't need to be seeking a partner yet, IMO. Especially since thye invited you first. Where are their manners? 

I hate tight-wads!! This is by far my worst "pet peeve". This kind of thinking is tolerable until someone is about 25 years old. After that age, I find I just want to slap someone upside the head and say: "Grow up!"

- Susan



SunNMoon -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:37:04 PM)

I’m going to post the evil what ifs.

What if he backs out at the last minute after you get there are you going to be able to afford to stay there on your own if he cancels everything?
What if he’s not who he said he was? (I don’t know him at all. I’m playing worst case scenarios)
Why if your on such a tight budget (totally understand that *s*) doesn’t he come to visit you instead?
Also can you afford to be away from home for two weeks?
Lastly, how serious are you two? Is this the first meet?
Oh and before I forget, do you have away to get home if he does pay for the meet, if you want to leave early?

Just some things to think about. Along those line are you going to feel obligated to him if he pays. No matter what I hope it turns out the way in which you will be happy, I just like to mention the bad stuff so it doesn’t happen.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:40:37 PM)

Id say if he invited you he should at the very least pay half, if not all. When I came to visit Angel, I paid for my own trip. I was heading down here to a wedding at the time, and he was a perk of the trip. He paid for dinners while I was here, and movie rentals and such like that, as well a gas since he did cheuffer me around.
When I came to visit for a week and looka t places to consider moving, it was the same deal. He paid food and entertainment, for the most part, I paid my accomodations and travel.
The way I see it, if the trip is MY idea, its my dime.  If someone else wants me to come out, they pay. I wouldnt be spending the money if it werent for their idea, afterall.  My boys are used to this, if I want to go out and do something, I am more than willing to foot the bill for them to join in if I ask them.  And if they want to go somewhere, they are expected to do the same.  If this Dom of yours thinks you should pay for the privelege of coming to meet him, then theres your red flag. 

DV



earthycouple -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:43:47 PM)

I would never pay for someone to come out to me.  Male or female.  I typically do not contact someone from a distance.  They find me.  If they choose to make the trip they can pay for it.  I've never and will never demand anyone visit so it is of their own volition knowing full well they have to pay for their trip.

Why?  Couple of reasons.  I am not wasting my money if they are a no show.  I have a family of 4 on a very tight budget and it is easier (typically) for one person to juggle a weekend trip than it would be for me to skip the dentist for a UM or groceries for that week.  I house them.  If they make the trip out here, I am willing to house them as long as they don't freak me out upon meeting.  And my husband give the ok (He's all big and mean and stuff) With housing comes meals of course (unless we go out).  It shows some faith, responsibilitiy, and proactiveness on the other's part.

"But but...what does it show about you, Donna?"  *S*  I am sure it shows a zillion different things, depending on your perspective.  From I'm being totally reasonable to I'm an idiot for possibly allowing a stranger in my home (have rope, will use it)



angelic -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:44:07 PM)

krya, like you if i could not afford to travel for a first meet, i would not go.  my reasons are a bit different than yours, though.

To the thread in general: 

However, she has said that she cannot afford to pay in full.  That right there tells me she should be seeking someone closer to home.  If she has already told him she cannot afford it and he still insists she needs to do so and completely on her own dime, it seems to me that he is not all that into her.  Why doesn't he offer to travel to her?



kyraofMists -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:44:35 PM)

Then there are the what ifs on his side:

What if he sends her money for a plane ticket and she never shows?
What if he buys her a plane ticket and she never uses it or flys somewhere else?
What if he pays for her hotel and she refuses to see him while she is there?

I would not expect a person to buy me a ticket to come see them for the first time and if they expected me to buy them a ticket so they could come see me for the first time I would wonder just how capable they were of sustaining a long distance relationship.

Knight's Kyra




nikkicd10 -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:47:29 PM)

Well, it seems perhaps since you almost want to say 'No" there is a reason for the feeling.

It comes down to how well do you know this person? Just email? talking on the phone? or what.

I would never offer to serve someone for 2 weeks, all on my dime with never meeting them first and knowing them better than just talking or emailing. 

I have served Mistresses in other states, I have flown out to them and we agreed upon the length of stay and what is expected of both parties.  However, we discussed everything first meals, and events we would attend. 

If the other person only demands, believe me there are plenty more out there who understand that respect is earned, not demanded.



SusanofO -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:48:16 PM)

earthycouple: I think in your case, you are making clear from the outset how you operate, so it's okay in my book. Plus, you have every good reason for it. It is the people who string someone along, and then suddenly act as if the other person was supposed to "know better". It's rude, IMO.The idea makes my blood boil!

*Attitudes toward the possibility for a real-life, out-of-town meet are maybe something people should discuss upfront, before they get too "deep" into knowing eachother.

Kyra: I agree with your reasoning, and IMO, this is probably something someone should decide based on the "vibe" they are getting from the other re: Whether things are likely to work out or not. At some point, though, people need to be willing to take a chance. If they believe the other is going to cancel (no way to tell for sure, I know) then I'd probably not invite them in the first place. But I do see your point (I do). The other person is also taking a risk. 

- Susan



DiurnalVampire -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:51:29 PM)

A thought:
If she has stated she can come for a shorter period, and he demands a longer one, shuldnt that then imply that he should pick up the difference?  Or, if he wants it done completely on her dime, he should deal with the shorter visit?  After all, she hasnt said no absolutely, she has said if I have to pay, I can only stay X amount of time.  In the spirit of compromise, either he offers to help to keep her longer, or he deals with a short visit. no?



kittensmailbox -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:51:46 PM)

my former Dom paid for all my visits...



angelic -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:52:47 PM)

Reasons for paying one's own way, including travel, food and lodging for the first meet: 
If he no shows, i have a mini vacation and get to explore a new area;
If he shows and i go eeeewwwwwwww... i can kick him out of my room;
i do not feel beholding to him for anything in case it does not work out. 

Selfish, unsubmissivelike qualities... for a first meet... you betcha.



ownedgirlie -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:54:35 PM)

The first time I met my Master it was in a city halfway between both our residences.  I wished to serve him.  I wished to offer myself to him.  I arranged for the hotel and paid for it.  Even though my income is far less than his, I put my money where my mouth was.  Was I serious about wanting to give myself to him or did I just want to hang out in a cool hotel room for a night of sex?  [8D]

Now, sometimes he'll have me pay for things, and sometimes he will.  He decides, and I never ask.  I consider it my privilege to see him and spend time with him and be used by him.  I am willing to cover my costs in doing so, so when he pays I am grateful and express my thanks to him.



SusanofO -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:57:33 PM)

I agree with what angelic said: Paying has some advantages - it gives you more of a feeling of being in control if the situation turns out to be a lot less than what you desire. To me, that's no small thing. That is why I did it once as a submissive, and always offer as a Domme.

- Susan



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