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Caring for a caregiver - 8/12/2007 12:49:42 PM   
softpjOS


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline 		Ok, so maybe this is more vent then post.  But sometimes hearing that other people have survived a similar situation helps one regain faith that "this too shall pass"

I'll try to keep this from novel length....

I have a wonderful Mistress that I have been with for over 5 years now.  We had a long distance relationship for two years before I moved to Her area.  We do not live together but consider our relationship one of a 24/7 nature.  We both have familys which include grown children, She has been seperated from Her husband for over 4 years, I am married.  And before the cries of cheating fly, my husband has known of my relationship with Her from day one, we discussed my needs and he had no interest in persuing them with me. He considers Her a very close friend.

She has a son that is physically 18 years old but due to an accident at an early age, is mentally somewhere around 12.  He requires constant supervison due to safety concerns and impulse issues.  And since She is a single parent, he is Her constant shadow.  There is the rare occasion that he will spend a weekend with his father but those only add to the problems because of the attitude he comes home with. 

Yes, I have known of his special needs from the beginning of the relationship and I have grown to love him as one of my own.  Which puts me in that dreaded space of "step parent" in many ways. 

This has been a very difficult year.  Her twins were in a car accident in Feb and She almost lost him again.  He was in the hospital for over two weeks during which time I lived at Her house and cared for Her daugther whom wasn't injured as severely, cared for the house the animals....as well as being there to support Her own needs.  She's had medical issues as well, a back problem and blood pressure going out of control; most likely stress related (ya think?)

Her brother has been suffering congestive heart failure from excessive drinking and moved into Her mothers house (a mile away) and started showing up at Her house every afternoon drunk to hide out from their mom.  Mom is coming over with nieces and nephews to let them swim at Her house..just pops over out of the blue.  

Sooooooooo this has been a fun year in the life of  slave.  lol.  Not exactly the fantasy life some think it is huh.   Since our relationship must be viewed as "friends" to the world, it looks a bit odd for me to be over there too much.  And with the constant family traffic... I find myself stepping back a bit and trying to "wait out the crowd" to come around.  I've tried going over later at night but it seems Her son has company...friends/relatives over later and later at night. 

So I've been trying to find ways to help Her destress but it's becoming harder and harder as my own stress and frustration levels go up.  Watching Her family take blatant advantage of Her and Her jumping at every "need" Her mother, brother and son come up with on a  daily basis...... She's becoming more stressed and less patient with everyone... including me.  "Our time" has been pushed to the back burner more and more and as patient as one can be... there is a limit.  I have said something about it and was told that if Her life was too much for me to handle then just say so.  Huh?? 

Yes, I know the last thing She needs is to hear me complain about our time being taken up by Her family.  Last night we went to a munch, but instead of Her son staying with my husband so we weren't pressured to come home early...She left him at Her mothers house with the promise to be back by 10pm.  Why?  Because She said She feels that he annoys me and my husband too much so She wasn't going to impose.  All because I said something about him beind a constant shadow and I'd really like it if I could have a five minute conversation without him standing beside us.  Yea, I was probably wrong for saying anything but sheeeesh.....how many times do you have to hear "I couldn't talk because _______ was standing right beside me" before you get a bit snippy?  Heck, even my required morning phone call to find out what She wanted me to do that day was met with "what do you need" instead of hi or hello.  Why did I get that response?  Because She had been interupted by the phone several times and Her son was getting upset that the calls were interupting what he was working on with Her. 

Talking to Her about any of this is met with a defensive bordering on hostile wall going up.  If I say something about Her shadow, I am accused of hating him.  Which is absolutely not true.  I adore him BUT, I don't feel it is necessary to bend to everything he wants.  He doesn't want to hang out at someone elses house so we can have time alone together and She doesn't feel he should have to.  She doesn't trust many people with him and his supervision needs and feels like She is "pushing him" on other people if she asks for help.  I absolutely understand he is a huge part of Her life and comes first but sometimes it feels like he is the ONLY part of her life. 

I truly understand Her fear of losing him or something happening to him, but there are people that are completely trustworthy (my husband is one) that are more then happy to have him around so we can have time alone....yet She finds a reason to not accept that help.  It's starting to feel like She doesn't want time alone with me and as much as I don't believe that to be true.....

And when we do get together....the time is spent trying to destress Her, listening to who did/said what....letting Her vent.  I made the mistake of saying something about Her allowing them to do this to Her.  Oopsie.  Bad idea. 

Yes, I know a slave is there for the Mistress' needs.  But when life is getting out of hand....how does the slave destress?  Personally I'm thinking about going into my basement and evicting a few spiders, surprising the cats with a washed out not just scooped litterbox...and taking a little time for a good cry while I wait for Her to call and say Her family reunion is over and I can come over to see Her and TRY to talk about this again. 

Oh, and as far as something like a part time job to fill that time She has family around..... mentioned that and was asked why I was looking for something that would further restrict our time.  Huh? 

I know...suck it up.  This too shall pass. 
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/12/2007 1:08:24 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I do have some sympathy for any parent of a disabled child BUT -You don't necessarily need to "suck it up", IMO. I think she sees herself as Superwoman, or, as my father likes to term these types of folks - she is "overly responsible". For whatever reason. The fact remains, she has a disabled son she refuses to leave alone - almost ever, and this is having a detrimental affect on your relationship. You have stated that it does. Say it louder next time. This has nothing to do with your ability to tolerate her son. It really has to do with how she handles her time with you.

I'd also, in a very gentle way, state what you are going to do if it continues (like see a lot less of her). You want a relationship with someone - and she has decided she hasn't got enough time to devote to one. If she hasn't said that - she's shown it. She may be in extenuating circumstances (which she is), but - she can also do things to modify the stress on your relationship, like:

1) Hire a responsible sitter (as you mentioned)

2) Look into other kinds of home-care for her son (affordability might be an issue - if so, doesn't she have other relatives and-or friends who could maybe help out here?) It sounds like she is just being stubborn. Sorry, but it does.

3) Possibly -take herself "off the market" as a Domme. I did this (for the past 2 months, due to extensive home remodelling, that was taking almost all of my time) - if she cannot find a way to devote more of herself to a relationship. Or else, make it very clear to people interested in her that her child is always going to be her first priority, and take up 3/4, or 7/8 of her time, or something.

*Because, brutal as this may sound - that does alter how someone views someone as a partner. She needs to be straight with you - as far as realizing how this affects two people, together, in an adult relationship. Yes, she is a mother to a disabled child. That is unfortunate. And there are also still some things she could do to make sure you have more time together - if she wants to do those things. She's not doing that. It's her decision - and she can live with the consequences, too. Maybe she will find someone who actually doesn't mind she can't make much time for them.

It's not fair to someone who is seeking a relationship (or if you're in one) to the person who really wants one, if you are just in no position to give them what they need (or not enough time), due to being busy with other things. *Maybe she needs to decide where her priorities lay, as far as forming a BDSM relationship, in relation to her time spent with her disabled child. Because it doesn't sound like he's disabled to the point he can't ever be left with a responsible sitter - she is just choosing to rarely leave him alone - and fretting over it when-if she does. How long her life is going to be this busy, in terms of not being willing to hire a sitter once in awhile? She isn't really adressing how this affects both of you, together, and -

She's not handling this issue between you - she's ignoring it, and just telling you to ignore it as well.

I think you've been understanding. Enough is enough. I feel for her, BUT - I say the ball is now in her court, after you speak your piece one final time - even if she is your Domme.

***Otherwise - face the fact the situation isn't going to change - and then be quiet about it (your choice). Stay or go. **And, IMO, it's not "heartless" on your part, if you decide this isn't the situation for you - if it's not meeting your needs.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/12/2007 2:07:45 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to softpjOS)
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RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/12/2007 1:34:44 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		First of all, you need to stop calling him her shadow.  I am a pediatric home health nurse and have seen my share of stressed families.  It is ok for the dad or mom to say "our shadow is around" but it is never ok for someone else to say something like that.  I'd be pissed if someone called my child "the shadow" even if I called him that.  That's what mothers do.  We can be bitches like that.
 
It sounds like you need more destressing than she does right now.  She has lived her life as a mother with a special needs child.  Give her a break.  He is her life and it is terribly hard for any mother to let go, forget the mother of a special needs kid. 

You need to try to be more supportive and understand what she needs to do right now even if you don't agree.  You don't have a child with special needs and 5 years as her sub doesn't count as "knowing" what she goes through.

Obviously she has tons of other stuff going on too...and you are right.  Her hearing your bitching on top of everything else isn't going to change.  It sounds like you either need to cut your losses or learn to be more proactively supportive and understanding vs. passive aggressive to her. 

I think you should step back, weigh your pros and cons then sit down and talk with her.  Use active communication without blaming her for what YOU feel.  (i.e. I never get time with you because you can't let go of your son. Poor communication skills at work here).  You can never understand what a mother in these types of situations goes through, no matter how hard you try.  I really suggest reevaluating YOU here. 

I'm not saying she doesn't have a part, that maybe she isn't a bit martyrish, that maybe she takes on more than she should, but you are not helping if you truly are communicating with her in the way your OP presents.




_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/12/2007 2:48:17 PM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		I dont know. What if she was simply your friend? Pretend you've known her since high school and were best friends since 4th grade. Maybe try looking at it that way. Now what would you do in this situation? Would you give her space? Would you still feel deprived if she was too busy to give you her attention?

At the moment you're seeing your own needs. If you drop the neediness what would you see instead? When we dont want things from people, its interesting how the view changes.

From what you tell us, the woman has her hands full. Im sure its going to stay that way for a while as well. Perhaps you might offer  to simply take her away from the crazieness for a bit one day per week. Like out to a movie or something. If she cant do that, you'll know you tried. be her friend and be there for when she needs you, but dont wait for her to be free for you for a good long while. Thats the way her life is right now. Plain and simple.

(in reply to earthycouple)
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RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/12/2007 3:24:02 PM   
softpjOS


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline 		I guess I may have been misleading or unclear in my OP. 

I adore her son, I love Her completely and see Her as not only my Mistress but as my absolute best friend.  I get frustrated and angry seeing what others put Her through and yes, angry with Her for ALLOWING it.  To come over and see Her so upset with Her brother sitting there drunk and running his mouth... I walk away.  I know She doesn't need the additional stress of hearing me blast his worthless ass.  So I walk away.  To finally be alone with Her and have the cell phone ringing with more family problems at midnight... I keep my yap shut and try to resume destressing Her when the call is ended.  When yet another family thing comes up and our plans are canceled... I smile and try to be understanding.  When She says She'll call me back in a few minutes because Her son needs Her and I wait 5 hours... I know She's busy, distracted and frazzled and I try not to complain. 

Her son has a brain injury, he is 18 years old with the mentality of a 12 year old.  She often refers to him as Her shadow, because he is constantly at Her side. So please excuse me for quoting Her.  He does not require assistance in standing/walking/feeding himself/showering or any other aspect of daily living.  He requires supervision to make sure he doesn't burn the house down because he left a stove burner on or the house was robbed because he left the door standing open.  He is completely functional as a person WITH supervision for his and everyone elses safety.  He needs constant reminders of things he's supposed to do.  He sees a therapist in the home weekly. 

I believe I admitted in my OP that yes, I am royally stressed and frustrated.  I in no way wish to leave Her, even if our M/s relationship takes the back burner for awhile (which it has been) I'm not walking away because I care about Her AND Her son.  Last weekend I took him to an amusement park for the day so She could have a day of nothing...pure quiet and She could relax knowing he was in good hands.  I realize that this has been an exceptional year for family problems for Her and I have done everything I can to make life a little easier on Her.  I do not believe I am asking too much for Her to ask him for some privacy when I drive over or call. 

Example if you will...
I call...I'm told She can't talk because he's beside Her....She'll call me back- 5 hours later
I drive over, we go outside to the front porch...he follows - She says nothing
I drive over later to pick up movies to return for Her...She's in the pool with him but gets out to walk up to the house when She sees me....he follows.  She says nothing. 

This is becoming the norm, not the exception.   I don't expect him to disappear just because I'm there, I don't expect Her to forget She has a son...but I do expect him to display a little respect for our privacy without having to lock ourselves up in Her room. Guess I'm expecting too much. 

And Susan..thank you for listening..sometimes just having someone try to understand and offer advice helps more then you can know

(in reply to sophia37)
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RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/12/2007 3:39:38 PM   
mbes


Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline 		Having been a caregiver (not a child, though, I'm sure that's different), it's a tough row to hoe. It feels as though, no matter what you do, you SHOULD be doing more/differently/better. I have sympathy for your friend, and I wouldn't want to be in her place.
That said, offer her alternatives. Kindly, and well-thought-out, alternatives. If she doesn't like relatives showing up at any time to borrow her pool, offer to guide them tactfully toward asking to schedule good times to come over. If her brother comes over drunk while you're visiting, ask her if she'd like you to gently guide him toward the door. (This is what a friend might do.) If she needs childcare, offer to let her child stay with you for a few hours occasionally, and say how much you and your husband would enjoy the visit. Then carefully stress how much your husband enjoys spending time with him, so she can enjoy time with you, while they spend time together. That way, she gets a little time alone, AND time with you, without worry, which is something every parent needs. At all points, though, I'd suggest asking and letting her lead, as being a caregiver is a decidely not-in-control time and can be difficult for any of us; giving her the final decision would, hopefully, give her the in-control that many of us need.
I wish you and your friend nothing but peace, and I hope you find it together.

(in reply to softpjOS)
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RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/12/2007 3:48:38 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with some of the things Susanof O said--I had a scenario recently with a life too busy for all that I included in it---note I said "included in it"---due to the events happening, there are people She has not asked for--however She did ASK for you---as such, She IMHO, has a responsibility to those she asked to be part of Her life as well---Her son is a given, it is what it is, however, She needs to look at how much She can take on---we cannot have it all---no matter if we want to, we have to make decisions regarding what we can manage---and it seems that with all going on,  She cannot manage everything--you have needs as well--if only to feel you are assisting Her---somehow---I suggest you speak to Her, let Her know you can stay away until Her life calms a bit--and then She can summon you---or it may be She just has too much and has to let go.
 
We simply cannot have it all, and life at times has to step to the front while our desires take a back seat. I wish you well.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


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RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/12/2007 3:49:40 PM   
MasterNdorei


Posts: 658
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		It does not sound as if the Mistress has time to intereact with anyone in private. i understand about her son being always following her, though there are day centers for people like him in the city i came from that provide a break for the live in care takers. Just a thought.

The situation with her son might be managable for me, but all the craziness surrounding the rest of her family would make it impossible for me to respect her as a Mistress. Love her to pieces as a friend, and look for someone who has time for you to scratch your BDSM itch.

Master's dorei

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Everything in nature grows or rots. There is nothing in between. What are you doing today?

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RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/12/2007 5:29:43 PM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline 		From a different perspective.
 
Perhaps earthycouple should have mentioned there are seminars for caregivers who take care of caregivers.  As a pediatric home care nurse, she probably has received countless mailings about such courses.   
 
The seminars ARE VERY GOOD. 
 
I do know where you are coming from.  I walked into dad's ICU room at 5am, after he had a traumatic brain injury, on my way to work in the emergency room at a local hospital.  I witnessed something that left me devastated.  I had always been an ICU RN.... pediatrics, neonatal, and cardiovascular.  As I watched the RN care for his personal needs, she did NOTHING inappropriate or neglectful, infact she was very compassionate, but in her mannerisms, I saw somehing that made meVERY protective and VERY defensive.  I have never set foot into an ICU as an RN again. 
I quit my job and worked parttime in a clinic as a pediatric triage nurse until dad came home 13 months later.
I took 5 years of my life to take care of him at home, with my mom.  I have4 siblings who took absolutely NO interest in helping at all, not even to give me a break and help mom, who was with dad 24/7.  He was over 60 and was left with the brain of a 14-15 yr old, the memories of long term and absolutely no memory of life after I went to college. 
Half the time he called mom, Elaine, one of his girlfriends in college.  He asked me daily why I wasnt back in college ....why was I home?  To take care of him?  "Yes Papa, to take care of you."
 
For 5 years I lived and breathed my dads care, my mom's jealousy (I left that part of the story behind) and the fact that my siblings could care less about their dad or mom.
I was told by dozens of folk, such a "sacrifice you make."  It is such a "burden."
 
NO it was not a burden, I didnt see it as a sacrfice, He was my father.  During that time mom's health deteriorated,but I didnt see it.  I only saw dad.  I gave up friends and relationships for the care of my  dad.
To see him in a nursing home, when I could take care of him at home, with mom, was out of the question.  Not only was he compensated well financially for his medical care, and mom for life, but I also was paid by the workmans comp company.  They had financially figured it was cheaper at home than at a nursing home for his care, until he died.
 
I gained 100lbs I was so stressed.  I saw a therapist and almost killed my mom weekly.
I now take medical care of my mom, who I will only assist in assisted living, when she finally agrees to go into such a facility.
 
My Sir takes care of his mom.  Sometimes it seems he would rather spend time at her home, or on the phone with her than with me.  BUT I knew this about him, his family (including 2 college kids) come before me.
 
I know exactly where you come from softpj. 
I was once in the shoes of your mistress (different family member).
I could not see the forest through the trees to take care of myself.  I chose to have no life.  Dad was my life.  My choice.  But in being there for my dad, I grew to know my grandparents (his parents) in a totally different light.  I found out more about my dad before I was born then I knew in all my 40 some years.  I came to appreciate the devotion my mom had for dad and it was an example that will not leave me.
 
What did I need during that time?  What might your mistress need from you?
A shoulder to cry on.
An ear to hear the ventings.
Flowers and cards of assurance you care and are there, with your ear or shoulder.
Dinner out WITH her son.  We took dad out... we ending up laughing at his silliness and never embarassed he wore a bib or that  had to feed him at times.  We/I was never embarassed when he got agitated and had a tantrum like a 2 yr old in public either.
If people gawked, so be it.  If people felt pity, so be it.   It was who my dad was, not by his fault, but because of it all, I choose my path until he died.
 
I was and am not bitter for the path I chose.  It was a joy..... your mistress has chosen something because of who she is.  Either you accept that or move on.  It is who she is now an it will not change, until the caretaking stops.
 
If she has time for you ...count the time as most precious and that she could leave behind something so precious just to spend time with you ... to possibly meet some of your needs.
 
My mom found out who her friends were.  They were the ones who took time to listen, send a card, flowers and did not look the other way. 
 
Find a caregivers seminar and attend.  You will see things in a new light. 
 
As for me, I took my love of pediatrics and new love of home care, put them together and found a new profession.  High risk pediatric homecare.  I found myself and began to live differently.  It took me 5 years to finally find myself emotionally and pyschocially.  As you can figure out, I poured myself into a new job.  It wasnt until I found closure with my exdom that I  truly found who I was.
 
Yes, my dad died dramatically in the ICU.  Yes, I have seen too many high risk infants and kids die at home, whose parents gave up everything for them.  Too many divorces in such homes.
 
If you love your mistress, if you are the submissive to her she needs ... you will understand her perspective or move on.  This will affect her for a long while.....  possibly.
 
Help her by helping yourself.
 
Sir's girl

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to MasterNdorei)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/12/2007 8:07:16 PM   
heavenleigh


Posts: 14
Joined: 1/29/2005
Status: offline 		I'm going to give a slightly different view to this than others have.  You see, I am also the mom of a special needs child.  My son is chronologically 14, but in all other ways he is about 5, and will probably never grow much beyond that.  He will need constant care for the rest of his life.  I have it a little different from your Mistress, as my son was born this way.

Has she always been reluctant to share responsibility for his care? or is this new, with the added stress from her family?  Does she feel, rightly or wrongly, that she has some responsibilty for the accident that caused his issues?  Yes it is very hard to have to hire a 'babysitter' for one's grown child.  And it's not a matter of trusting/not trusting the caregiver, but there is an enormous amount of guilt involved, when as a parent of a special child, you are forced, for whatever reason, to foist that responsibility off on another.  No matter how willing they may seem to take on that responsibility.  Because he is her child, her job, her responsibility, her cross to bear.  No matter how many times you and/or your husband assure her that hubby taking him for a period of time is not a problem, she's not going to believe it.  Because in her heart, she's thinking 'I'm sticking this poor guy with my problem kid, while I get to play with the guy's wife???  How rotten can I be?'

It's actually easier when the child is younger.  All 7 year olds need sitters when mom wants to get out.  But it feels so wrong, in so many ways, to need a sitter for your teenager.  And I can only imagine it's even worse when it is for your adult child.

Her family issues are a totally different thing.  She probably does need to lower the boom on all of them, but between her kids, her health, and just life, does she really need the additional stress of standing up to the family right now?  Yes, in the long run, putting her foot down with them would only help her stress levels, but when there is so much going on in such a short period of time, it's easier to duck and hide than put up appropriate boundaries.

You need to ask her what her needs are.  Ask her how you can best support her.  Does her son still attend school?  Has she started thinking about how to best meet his needs after he ages out of school?  Has she gotten herself declared his legal guardian yet?  What are her future plans/hopes for him?  This might be a discussion best done over several emails, so you can each express your thoughts without things getting too emotional, without dealing with the interruptions, etc.

As far as the family, well summer will be over soon, pool weather won't last much longer.  I suggest you ride it out, a few more weeks, and maybe she'll feel stronger by next spring, and be able to make rules for her mom about who/when visitors are welcome.

If your Mistress would like to vent to another mom in a similar boat, she is more than welcome to send me a message. 


(in reply to softpjOS)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/13/2007 1:48:48 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		You need to find a time - I know this is almost impossible - when you can both sit down and discuss the situation.  Does she want this relationship?  Does she have time?

Be very specific in what you want and need:  Once a week you have a short time together and she'll turn her phone off so that, for just that little time, she's free of it all.  Or once a week your husband takes her son somewhere special for a guy-bonding time - surely he can go to watch a sporting event or something? - and you can have that time together. Have a set of very specific suggestions, designed to give you time together, and to allow her a chance to de-stress a bit.  If her family keep dropping in unannounced at her place, can she come to yours instead? Your husband takes her son to some place he likes to go, and the two of you have some privacy.

She's getting herself totally stressed, she's being pushed far too hard by her family and by herself, and sooner or later something's going to give.  She just doesn't want to be the one to push too hard and then her brother hurts himself in a drunken state, or her mother has a heart attack or something and she blames herself.  She's just waiting for the disaster to happen.

Apart from anything else - and you can't say this to her - she's not helping her son by being the ONLY one to care properly for him.  She needs to teach him to be more independent, and this CAN be done, and it needs to be.  What happens if and when she's sick or hurt or simply too old and can't look after him?

Have some specific, do-able suggestions.  Offer them as a way to de-stress you both and keep your relationship going.  And if they aren't accepted, you have to decide if it's time to step back a little, or even find someone else to answer your needs.  Going on like this is just frustrating and miserable for everyone.

(in reply to heavenleigh)
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RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/13/2007 6:17:13 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		From the other side of the fence, I am giving home care to a disabled family member, I live with this family member and my daily routine revolves around her, even without family members jumping into the house at all times, it can be frustrating and rough (God how I wish they would come over and help more often).

It's frustrating from both perspectives, and I've had both romantic interests, and friends drop me like a hot rock when they decided they didn't want to put up with the fact I have put my family over my personal life. On the reverse side, a few select individuals have accepted, and even admired this dedication to my loved one. I will ever adore these people because they do not expect anything of me, and go out of their way to call or swing by to cheer me up, and let me know, there is life outside my self inflicted prison.

There's some good advice here, but ultimately, the time for 'level headed discussion' may not be right now. There's no easy answer, she's being torn and doesn't have enough hours in a day to dedicate time to everyone she wants to. If she has help in the offering, encourage her to accept that help in caring for her son. You can't suck it up but your stress, is coming from her stress ultimately, so sit down, and ask her, "How can I help?" maybe you have to forget play times for awhile longer, maybe you need to truely step into the role of supportive friend and let life cool down. It's not what you want, but it may be what she needs.

(in reply to becca333)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/13/2007 7:03:01 AM   
ShellyD


Posts: 207
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline 		I have just come home from yet another busy shift as a nurse. I was touched by your story shyinini and the compassion you showed. I feel you provided the OP with some practical, proactive steps to follow. Nurses have a special relationship with empathy, as evidenced here.

softpjOS-I support being a person who cares for the carer, an ear, a cooked meal, time out, maybe also a redefinition of relationship parameters. Things have changed from your intial relationship, I suspect there is little 'lifestyle' in your life. When this happened to us, everything else changed, communication being the first, I failed to redefine mine with my ex, the benefit of hindsight helps. You are both in a difficult situation, good luck in resolving it.

Edited twice cos it is late and

< Message edited by ShellyD -- 8/13/2007 7:39:32 AM >

(in reply to shyinini)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/17/2007 8:04:30 PM   
OriginalStuff


Posts: 48
Joined: 6/11/2005
Status: offline 		LOL I thought I share an insight.... an earlier posting from My little one.   I believe she says it all here.. I keep noone hostage..she is of free will. laughs thank you pj for reminding Me.of who I am. (smiles)

Sometimes when we are asked a question such as what are our wants/needs we can completely forget those most basic core needs.  Not because they are not important but because they are simply "us" and not seen as "service", "need", "want"

For instance:

Mistress and I hit a bump in the road and She instructed me to write a list of every rule She had ever given me.  (eekk!) When I presented the list to Her, She sat shaking Her head. I could only come up with 6 rules.  Why?  Because everything else over the years had simply become "me", I didn't view them as rules....they were simply things that I did (didn't do).  It took us over a week sitting and discussing them before we both realized Her number one rule was not on the list.  Family  First always ,LOL. 

If someone takes what you present as a hard and fast definition of "you" without benefit of discussion, reflection and clarification.....they truly don't understand people and more importantly.. they certainly dont understand them selves..

 she takes her place at My feet because, pj, chooses to 

pj

OriginalStuff

(in reply to softpjOS)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/17/2007 8:37:00 PM   
cumulus


Posts: 49
Joined: 6/6/2005
Status: offline 		You're essentially saying that she ignores you. I mean you come to the house. She walks out to meet you. No hello. No idle chat. No conversation about the day she's been having. Nothing. She walks out to meet you, and says absolutely nothing. Well, this might be another issue entirely.
 
Your post paints a bit of a different picture to me. I don't see a 'storm to ride out', but instead, I get the impression that she's trying to nudge you out of her world. I know this might not be a popular opinion, but I'm trying to picture that uncomfortable silence on the porch. Is it possible that she's mulling over a difficult conversation that can't take place in front of her son? To me, if this isn't the case, I'd have thought you'd at least get a smile and a howdy-do.
 
Hell, I dunno. I might be way off base. I just can't picture the mute treatment, even if it has to be painfully vanilla. Either way, I wish you the best.

_____________________________

Regards,
Cumulus

(in reply to softpjOS)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/18/2007 12:13:50 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline 		What you are describing is a stressful situation.  There is no denying that.

That being said, permit me to point out that this is HER situation, not yours.  You always have the luxury of walking away.  You have the option to disappear.  Your Mistress has no such luxury.  Her brother is in her life 24/7.  Her son's needs are in her life 24/7.  Until death settles accounts, this is the reality. 

More importantly, this is HER reality.



_____________________________



(in reply to softpjOS)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/18/2007 4:30:10 PM   
softpjOS


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline 		Ok, since I am totally clueless on how to use the quote function, and I seem to make less sense the more I try to clarify......
 
To SusanofO:  Yes, She does tend to try to be "superwoman" and handle everything on Her own. From past experiences She has learned to NOT rely on anyone, She'll do it Herself.  To get Her to accept my help has been a tough wall to climb. Note I said climb not tear down.  I scurry over the wall occasionally when She's not looking and like a busy little mouse....take care of things I see needing attention and scurry back over before I'm caught.   Little by little She's accepting my help and realizing that no.. I'm not going to just flee when the going gets tough. 

She's not "on the market" as a Domme, Her profile clearly states She is not seeking any others.  I am more then a handful for Her *smiles*  She was completely honest and upfront with me about Her family and life.  I didn't find myself drug into a situation that I had no idea was coming.  And as heavenleigh mentioned and I truly hadn't thought of...hiring a "sitter" for an adult "child".... lets that thought sink in.. umm yea, guess I didn't look at it quite that way.  I saw it as he needs supervision..hire someone; without much thought on how HE would feel about being treated like a little kid.  It's a touchy situation at best and I need to look at all sides more carefully. 

Thank you for your advice and support :)

To Earthycouple:  Yes, I agree, I needed to look at myself and how I was reacting to the situations.  I fully admitted to being stressed and frustrated and needed to just decompress.  My stress wasn't entirely due to Her life and family situation and I needed to acknowledge that.  The day I posted was my mothers birthday, she passed away last year and my youngest son had just moved out to attend college.  Instead of talking to Her about those feelings... I kept them bottled up not wishing to add to Her own stresses.  I know, not effective communication by any means.  I need to be more open with Her about whats going on in my life so She can better understand me and why I may seem a bit "off" or may need more time alone with Her to talk. 

Thank you for the sound "wake up". 

To sophia37:  I do see Her as my friend and as such see Her need to get away from it all.  It's not entirely about me ya know?  I see the effect the stress is having on Her and the time alone I am seeking isn't just for my benefit.  I'm sorry I didn't clarify that more.  I take Her bloodpressure and see the effects the stress is having on Her.  As Her friend and slave I get angry at those that add stress to Her life and I worry about Her health.  It's not just about me but I can see where my post could have led you to believe that. I was completely frustrated on how to stop the insanity, even if just for a couple of hours a day. 

Thank you for reminding me that being Her friend is the most important thing to keep in mind

To mbes:  Thank you for a smile in all this. The visual of me showing Her brother the door...well it wasn't a gentle showing of the door as you suggested but it DID make me smile to even IMAGINE doing it *laughs*. 

To MHOO314:  Yes, She does have  and acknowledges Her responsibility to me.  I'm terribly sorry my post led anyone to believe otherwise.  She is human.  She tries to handle it all and does get overwhelmed just as anyone would.  I try to gently steer Her into taking more time not for us but for Herself, not an easy task considering how independant She is.  I accept responsiblity for my post and not clarifying that She DOES try to find time for us, just recently She hasn't been terribly successful in dodging the family bullet so to speak.  And of course, with Her trying to find time for us this week... my own family decided it was time to be with mom... lol. Go figure. 

Thank You for pointing out a very helpful thought... by accepting my help, She is actually giving more then "alone time" could ever give me.  "Allowing me to be useful" means so much. 

To dorei: I love Her to pieces as both my friend and as my Mistress.  My respect for Her isn't conditional on Her scratching my bdsm itch. 

To shyinini and heavenliegh: A simple thank you here, i replied to your responses privately. 

To becca: Thank you for the suggestions. Her son recently bought a car to restore and i believe that is going to become an every saturday "date" with him and my husband...working on his car :) Specific, scheduled things for them to do together. So I can wisk Her away to do something together like fishing or if I'm in an evil mood..drag Her out shopping lol.  She hates shopping

To ProlificNeeds: Thank you for reminding me that my help is needed and appreciated.  Play time isn't a problem with me... not that I wouldn't gladly accept more *grins* but it's not the issue.  It's feeling a bit tossed aside in the great scheme of things, sometimes the one there for you the most is the one you over look because they aren't screaming for the attention.  Hope that made an ounce of sense. lol

To ShellyD:  Thank you for reminding me to keep the communications open.  All relationships need redefined from time to time.  Life changes things, we either communicate how we are feeling about it or find ourselves strangers.  Thank you.

To OriginalStuff:  I'll be there for dinner soon Mistress :)

To cumulus: I'm sorry... I believe you completely misread/understoond my post.  I'm sorry it wasn't clearer.

To celticlord2112:  I'm sorry but we have a relationship thus this is OUR situation/life.  I do not simply walk away because life got hard. It's not me.  I accepted Her collar and as such accepted Her life.  I just need to figure out how to destress and refocus without blowing a cork doing it.  *smiles* 

And with that.... I will shut up and resume lurking on the boards.  Thank you all for your advice and input. 

*smiles and bounces off to dinner at Her house*

pj



 
 
 
 
 
 

(in reply to celticlord2112)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Caring for a caregiver - 8/18/2007 8:39:21 PM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		I'm glad you've got positive things happening.  She's very lucky to have you.

(in reply to softpjOS)
Profile   Post #: 18
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