My apologies for this one but what got you through the death of a loved one

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My apologies for this one but what got you through the ... - 8/13/2007 9:17:00 PM

winterlight

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if this isn't appropriate i understand. If you do not wish to contribute i so understand.

tyvm

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/13/2007 9:22:13 PM

adoracat

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time. patience. friends who love me and held my hand either literally or virtually.

my LordFallcon died this last december 25th. we'd known it was coming. it had been a matter of time (cancer) and we were just waiting at that point.

every single day i still ache, and miss him, and think of things i'd like to tell him....but its not quite so sharp now, and i can think of him without crying every time.

no reason to apologise.

kitten, whose Sir has held her when she cried....

(in reply to winterlight)

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/13/2007 9:22:34 PM

Owner59

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quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

if this isn't appropriate i understand. If you do not wish to contribute i so understand.

tyvm

Completely appropriate......

Commiseration with loved ones,and time.Day by day,week by week,your heavy heart will lighten.

Good luck.

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/13/2007 9:25:33 PM

FullfigRIMaam

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Staying very close to my family and a couple of close frinds, and an impartial listener (therapist). Still not quite through it, but it is less devastating that it was a few months back...
I wish you much love, luck, and good people around you.

M

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"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/13/2007 9:28:11 PM

Tinman1960

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WHEN I LOST MY SLAVE/WIFE OF 21 YRS IT WAS MY JOB THAT HELPED ME THROUGH IT - 80+ HRS A WEEK FOR 4 YRS....

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/13/2007 9:41:18 PM

ownedgirlie

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Allow yourself to grieve, however your grief comes out. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, despite what people might tell you. I have heard "You should be over it by now." Hogwash.

Talk talk talk about it. Talk to others who are also grieving the person. Laugh at the fun stuff. Cry at the sad stuff. Celebrate the person's life.

Seek therapy if you need it. You are not weak for needing help.

Take time for yourself. Go someplace where you find peace - the ocean, a park, a garden...

Let people help you. If someone wants to bring you dinner, let them. If someone wants to help you go through the loved one's belongings, let them. Now is not the time to prove to yourself and the world how strong you are. Now is the time to let people love you, and let them do for you.

Know that people will say dumb things in the spirit of trying to help and be kind. Forgive them that, and appreciate their efforts.

And when all is said and done, honor the person by living happy, as they would want you to be.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross discusses the Five Stages of Grief. If you are unfamiliar with it, this may help: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_stages_of_grief

My best to you.

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/13/2007 10:07:34 PM

FullfigRIMaam

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Perfect advice if I may say so myself....
Thanks for putting this reply on here Owned. M

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/13/2007 10:18:33 PM

ownedgirlie

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Thank you, FullfigRIMaam. Unfortunately I've had to go through the process several times lately and have more experience with grief than I would care to. It's a process that can't be rushed, and stifling it just brings it up in other ways.

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/13/2007 10:22:29 PM

MySweetSubmssive

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A few oddball things ... having to do the practical, mundane things in life. I still had to cook and clean and go to work and make a living. And thank goodness for that! My impulse was to hole up in my apartment and never leave, but that would have only left me with my thoughts and sadness. It struck me as almost obscene that the world could keep going after my husband died, but getting up and just joining in with life again really did help me through.

For me, to fall into my own pain and suffering and not try to live seemed like a mockery of my husband's death. That's not a judgement of anyone's bereavement, just how things worked for me.

I let myself be freaked out and sad and messy when I needed to. If people (who knew me) asked how I was doing, I told them. I found rituals to act out my grief, and that helped. Death can be very "canned" in our culture, and I groped to find my own ways of moving through it.

When people asked me if I needed anything, I said yes and gave them specific requests: cook me dinner, eat with me, take me to a movie, please clean my bathroom. I do believe that both the giver and receiver are blessed by in this situation. It can feel odd to tell someone what to do for you, but most won't have any idea how to help you, and will be grateful for your guidance.

Kindest thoughts and a squeeze to you,
MSS

< Message edited by MySweetSubmssive -- 8/13/2007 10:32:37 PM >

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/13/2007 11:21:59 PM

SDFemDom4cuck

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive

A few oddball things ... having to do the practical, mundane things in life. I still had to cook and clean and go to work and make a living. And thank goodness for that! My impulse was to hole up in my apartment and never leave, but that would have only left me with my thoughts and sadness. It struck me as almost obscene that the world could keep going after my husband died, but getting up and just joining in with life again really did help me through.

For me, to fall into my own pain and suffering and not try to live seemed like a mockery of my husband's death. That's not a judgement of anyone's bereavement, just how things worked for me.

I let myself be freaked out and sad and messy when I needed to. If people (who knew me) asked how I was doing, I told them. I found rituals to act out my grief, and that helped. Death can be very "canned" in our culture, and I groped to find my own ways of moving through it.

When people asked me if I needed anything, I said yes and gave them specific requests: cook me dinner, eat with me, take me to a movie, please clean my bathroom. I do believe that both the giver and receiver are blessed by in this situation. It can feel odd to tell someone what to do for you, but most won't have any idea how to help you, and will be grateful for your guidance.

Kindest thoughts and a squeeze to you,
MSS

MSS lovely post. My condolences. I love that you actually said exactly what you needed. So often we simply say we're fine.

To the OP: My thoughts are with you. I don't know how to help you. But talking about it always seems to help me.

< Message edited by SDFemDom4cuck -- 8/13/2007 11:23:22 PM >

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She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 12:08:03 AM

CuriousLord

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The will to survive, to some degree. To a larger degree, or perhaps merely as a buttress, the will not to harm the remaining loved one(s) with one's own death.

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 12:11:06 AM

SusanofO

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Time. That - and try to throw yourself into a new project that interests you (after enough time has passed, so that you've had enough time to get heavy-duty grieving done). My heart goes out to you, and I wish you the best.

P.S. Seeing a grief counsellor can also help (depends on the person - as well as the counsellor).

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/14/2007 12:12:21 AM >

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 12:31:49 AM

SatanInHeels

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I just let time and fate do its thing. Everything happens for a reason and the passing only makes you stronger.
I cried when i wanted to cry,I laughed when I wanted to laugh, I was angry when I wanted to be angry. The most important thing is to not bottle it up. Just let it flow....

All the best

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 1:42:39 AM

SeeksOnlyOne

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all thats been said here......and i will add a couple things i have learned over the years....

dont fight it.....allow your self to cry when you want to and laugh when you can.....and try to remember the old saying "that which doesnt kill us, makes us stronger". i used to think that was a dumb saying, but nowadays, no matter what i face, i can say to my self, i held my moms hand as she took her last breath-this aint gonna be so hard.

and also, this link.......about 2 times a year-it saves me.....try it some day....

Right Now

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 1:43:52 AM

meatcleaver

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in a word, work.

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 2:18:29 AM

answer2ONEVoice

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It has been almost 4 years now since i closed my mothers eyes as she took her last breath. For an entire year , i pretended not to morn. A year after she passed , i woke up crying, went to put on the dress that i wore to her funeral to visit her grave , (which i had not done since then), and realized that i had gained a rediculous amount of weight. i had mourned, and food became the comfort. As the only child of 6 who resembles Mom , it is difficult to look in a mirror at times. When Daddy looks at me and calls me by her name , it rips me apart. What i learned is this , i am strong because of her stregnth. i survive because she instilled that will in me, i love because she taught me how. Greive, as long as it takes.Don't hold it in.You will find that although it never goes away , it does ease with time.For that , you will grow stronger.Hold it in and it will destroy you.
Be well.
kimber

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 3:15:53 AM

Level

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quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

if this isn't appropriate i understand. If you do not wish to contribute i so understand.

tyvm

Time usually takes off the hard edges, leaving the good memories, and love that existed between you and the one gone. But it still hurts, sometimes.

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
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Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 3:57:14 AM

Bobkgin

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I have lost five loved ones in my life: a father, a son, two wives, and a grandfather who lived (and died) in the room next to mine when I was a kid.

As a person who takes his responbility to care for his loved ones very seriously, it is very humbling to learn that Life has other plans, and there is nothing you can do about it.

To survive the losses I've had to remind myself that I am not the one who died, my life is still before me, and there is a purpose to be served in living life to the best of my ability.

I remind myself that while my loved ones lived, I was a source of joy and comfort in their lives, that they learned and grew and contributed to the world in part because of me.

I comfort myself with the knowledge that while I'd have moved heaven and earth to change history and their fates, the truth is their fates were not in my hands, but in their own.

None of us are invincible. None of us live forever.

Makes living all the more precious, when we accept the inevitability of the end.

< Message edited by Bobkgin -- 8/14/2007 3:58:35 AM >

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 5:45:17 AM

Twicehappy2x

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Though the initial shock/wanting to die myself? Riding, riding, riding, and riding faster and harder than i should have or ever would have before.

Through the grief, wish i could help, it has been eight years, i am madly in love again, yet sometimes the grief still overwhelms me.

My sincere condolences and sympathy to you though.

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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 7:00:44 AM

sophia37

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I actually had to turn on comedy central and layed in front of it for days. In a way it was like an IV hookup. I say, whatever gets you thru the darkest of days is ok.

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