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RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 9:13:17 AM   
Babybass


Posts: 230
Joined: 7/30/2007
Status: offline 		I experienced the deaths of two immediate family members within a week or so of each other. What worked for me was firstly allowing myself to grieve - you need to accept that it will take time and that however long it takes for you to get over this is exactly the right amount of time. Talking to people that also felt the loss helped a lot also. And so did burying myself in bed and crying my heart out. Whatever you feel you need to do is what will work for you. It does take time and you need to be patient with yourself. And don't be afraid, when the time is right for you, to start feeling happy again and start enjoying life - it doesn't mean you didn't care or you are forgetting the person that meant so much to you - just that you are finding it easier to remember the good times and the love.  

_____________________________

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting" - e e cummings

(in reply to sophia37)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 9:38:21 AM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

And when all is said and done, honor the person by living happy, as they would want you to be.



Most profound statement on this thread, imho.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 6:45:12 PM   
winterlight


Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline 		I lost my BEST FRIEND TODAY... my heart is broken...

I knew it was coming but hoped i was wrong. I wish i had stayed today and held her hand and told her again how much i loved her.

cries her heart out..

(in reply to sophia37)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 7:02:00 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

I lost my BEST FRIEND TODAY... my heart is broken...

I knew it was coming but hoped i was wrong. I wish i had stayed today and held her hand and told her again how much i loved her.

cries her heart out..


I once wrote a poem to a friend who had died which had the line in it "I wish you had let me say goodbye."

I have not forgotten him, and many of the things and attitudes I have in life were formed in his memory.

R.I.P. Scott, I hope when we meet again you shall be proud of what I have done with my time here.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to winterlight)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 8:09:54 PM   
girl4you2


Posts: 1622
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

if this isn't appropriate i understand. If you do not wish to contribute i so understand.

tyvm


time (a real whole lot of it; how much is up to each individual), knowing that they would have wanted you to go on, remembering them, writing about things you did/shared with the person, having a quiet place to sit and think, and more time.

quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

I lost my BEST FRIEND TODAY... my heart is broken...

I knew it was coming but hoped i was wrong. I wish i had stayed today and held her hand and told her again how much i loved her.

cries her heart out..


i am so very sorry for your loss.

you may not have been there at the moment, but at least you had some time with her, when you knew this was coming, and hopefully got to say goodbye. not getting the chance to say goodbye is horrible.

_____________________________

maireann croí éadrom i bhfad. is maith an scáthán súil charad. is leor nod don eolach.
got shoes?

(in reply to winterlight)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 8:15:18 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

if this isn't appropriate i understand. If you do not wish to contribute i so understand.

tyvm

My kids did. Knowing that I still had to function for them. Unfortunatly, I did not have the luxury of having family ( parents, siblings ) near where we were living at the time so, I bottled it all and just focused on my kids and getting from day to day.

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to winterlight)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/14/2007 8:19:03 PM   
submittous


Posts: 345
Joined: 6/12/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

Allow yourself to grieve, however your grief comes out.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve, despite what people might tell you.  I have heard "You should be over it by now."  Hogwash.

Talk talk talk about it.  Talk to others who are also grieving the person.  Laugh at the fun stuff.  Cry at the sad stuff.  Celebrate the person's life.

Seek therapy if you need it.  You are not weak for needing help.

Take time for yourself.  Go someplace where you find peace - the ocean, a park, a garden...

Let people help you.  If someone wants to bring you dinner, let them.  If someone wants to help you go through the loved one's belongings, let them.  Now is not the time to prove to yourself and the world how strong you are.  Now is the time to let people love you, and let them do for you.

Know that people will say dumb things in the spirit of trying to help and be kind.  Forgive them that, and appreciate their efforts.

And when all is said and done, honor the person by living happy, as they would want you to be.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross discusses the Five Stages of Grief.  If you are unfamiliar with it, this may help:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_stages_of_grief

My best to you.


Just had to bump this again as it is such good advice.... remember that some of the feeling of  loss is gonna be with you forever and is part of your remembrance of who you lost. Also don't rush anything.... it is fine if the process takes years.

Good luck

Bill and Iris

_____________________________

"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/15/2007 8:07:43 AM   
Bobkgin


Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

I lost my BEST FRIEND TODAY... my heart is broken...

I knew it was coming but hoped i was wrong. I wish i had stayed today and held her hand and told her again how much i loved her.

cries her heart out..


My father was the first to die on me. I was ten at the time.

My mother drove my brother and I out to our dad's favorite fishing spot, and talked to us.

She said a lot of things about how life was going to change, but she said one thing I'll never forget:

"He's not really gone as long as you keep him in your heart."

Hardly a day goes by where I don't think of him (and this is forty years later) and what he means to me. I live my life as if he stands over my shoulder.

It wasn't for another twenty years that I got to tell him I love him and good bye. I'd had a vision of the Summerlands (Pagan Heaven) and sure enough, there he was fishing. It was a joyous reunion and all too brief, and I cried my eyes out for an hour after it was over, because I knew I couldn't get back.

Death is not the end of the adventure. Your friend has merely turned a corner, and disappeared from your sight. But in a while, you too will turn the corner and discover your friend waiting there, open arms and smiling face, ready to comfort you in a way she can not comfort you now.

Just as you will do when the friends you leave behind catch up.

Rest, grieve your loss, and think of the good things you shared. Peace and tranquility will return, when it is time.

Safe Journey

< Message edited by Bobkgin -- 8/15/2007 8:11:14 AM >

(in reply to winterlight)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/15/2007 9:15:11 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Another thing.......don't put them on a pedestal, remember them as they really were. All that you loved, all that drove you crazy. Allow yourself to be angry at them for leaving you. Don't feel guilty for this and don't feel guilty for continuing to live.

Keep loving. Allow yourself to cry, then learn to allow yourself laugh again.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Bobkgin)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/15/2007 9:18:24 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

if this isn't appropriate i understand. If you do not wish to contribute i so understand.

tyvm


I've lost everyone I've really loved in my life due to death.  With the exception of my husband/dom and a dozen or so good friends.
The key, keep busy.  Remember them often.  Talk to them when you need them.  If you keep them in your memory they will never be far from you.  Go on with your life because that is what they want you to do.


(in reply to winterlight)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/15/2007 10:40:33 AM   
freyjasdottir


Posts: 253
Joined: 8/29/2006
From: PA
Status: offline 		From June 2002 to June 2003 I lost 13 friends and relatives, it was a very rough year and my husband was no support at all.  BUT, I have children that needed cared for who were hurting just as bad and that and time got me through.  Of course, I think just the numbness caused by so much death in such a short span of time actually helped.

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/15/2007 12:21:14 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		If you ever want to know if one's mission in life is completed, if they're alive, it's not. (paraphrasing a quote of Richard Bach).
 
I take comfort in knowing they have done what they were sent here for and carry on to complete my own mission and hope to make them proud.

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Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to winterlight)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/15/2007 3:35:31 PM   
kiyari


Posts: 631
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

If you ever want to know if one's mission in life is completed, if they're alive, it's not. (paraphrasing a quote of Richard Bach).
 
I take comfort in knowing they have done what they were sent here for and carry on to complete my own mission and hope to make them proud.


I like this notion.

I like the concept of Karma,
and that Life is for Learning, and/or Teaching,

and that when we shall have done what we needed to do,
or what we were able...

then is when we may 'move on to what ever comes next'.

At the last,
it is those of us left behind, who mourn OUR loss.

Take comfort in believing,
that the one who has gone, has just gone on ahead.

With Karma, if there be 'unresolved issues' between you,
take comfort in knowing that Karma will throw you together again
...and again,
as many times as needed.

_____________________________

Black Water Dragon

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/15/2007 4:03:55 PM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

I lost my BEST FRIEND TODAY... my heart is broken...

I knew it was coming but hoped i was wrong. I wish i had stayed today and held her hand and told her again how much i loved her.

cries her heart out..


yesterday i found out one of the ladies i admired a great deal had passed away on the 11th.

i feel your pain and cry with you, winterlight.

kitten, who offers virtual hugs and tea

(in reply to winterlight)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/15/2007 4:55:37 PM   
RosaB


Posts: 852
Joined: 1/10/2005
Status: offline 		Being one that has lost many loved ones, what has gotten me through is reading various related material on grieving and coping, writing/journaling, visiting websites where others talk about similar experiences of going through the grieving process.  But mostly the passing of time is what really helps a great deal.  There really isn't any specific formular that works for any one person.  I for one prefer to be left alone, away from others at such times.   The company of family and friends just escalates my every emotion.   I seek solace when I grieve and that works best for me whereas, others and rightfully so, for them, seek out the comfort of friends and family.   Being to onesself isn't good for some people at such times.  However at some point, like you are doing here, reaching out in some way is a good thing.
I hope you find the resources and strength to get you through this period and may time lessen your pain as well.

Rosa

(in reply to sophia37)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/29/2007 10:41:07 PM   
winterlight


Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline 		The funeral is this Friday and i was away for a bit. I got some cards and a handwritten letter. The letter caused me to break out into tears.
I see the lawyer on Friday too. How can i keep my composure? I am the softy of the family. The others are stoic....Wish i was stoic it would save me a lot of
problems.

(in reply to RosaB)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: My apologies for this one but what got you through ... - 8/29/2007 10:49:35 PM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

if this isn't appropriate i understand. If you do not wish to contribute i so understand.

tyvm


to be quite honest with you, after the death of my son...my PC became my coping tool. I was here in Georgia when I found out and my family sent me an artificial purple rose from my son's grave. I keep it taped to the top of my monitor as a constant reminder of my son. it's the only thing I have from him. he was only 5 years old at the time of death. he died while in the custody of my ex-wife and...that's all I can bring myself to say at this time...sorry.




_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to winterlight)
Profile   Post #: 37
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