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RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/15/2007 6:23:50 PM   
kiyari


Posts: 631
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

mmmmmmmmm seems what the problem is not a lack of Dominance.. it's a lack of submission.

Him doing what you want is not Dominance.. it's him being a service Top.  He is doing what he wants.  He hits you with the crop 5 times, he only orders you water and salad, He cuffs one of your hands to the  bed for three hours.  Sounds like he is doing what he wants... In effect he is dominating and make the choices of what will occur.  So..... are you submissive enough to accept what he wants or are you going to continue to want to top from the bottom and push him to do what he wants. 

I also state since the problem is one of submission since.. you have talked about it.. and he continues to do what he wants.. and not what you want....  Being the sadist that I am.. if I was him... I would do even less of what you want... till you shut up and realize that I  am not your service Top.


Some might see this as... somewhat passive-agressive

...just saying

Sounds like a mis-match [this to the OP] in expectations and needs.

_____________________________

Black Water Dragon

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/15/2007 6:29:58 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiyari


Some might see this as... somewhat passive-agressive

...just saying

Sounds like a mis-match [this to the OP] in expectations and needs.


yup... it is passive-aggressive...   It is also a consequence for her poor behavior.  A consequence that would be communicated.  You want to be submissive... then be submissive to me.. .else... as Michael stated "go find someone else to be disappointed in"

mismatch.. might be.. but.. until her mindset changes.. she is going to be mismatched to any Dominant.. what she is asking for is a Service Top.... so she can be honest and go find herself a Service Top and be matched up fine and doesn't need to change her mindset or maybe she changes her attitude and maybe make the relationship she has right now work.  I am betting on her getting a Service Top


editted to add...

Of course.. I could be Actively Aggressive and punish her for the poor behavior.  Of course... considering that she is asking to be the center and focus.  To get her boundaries pushed in the way she wants.... I consider the Actively Aggressive approach to be rewarding her for the poor behavior.  .. and punishment isn't much good if it actually reinforces the behavior that you don't like.  Of course...alot of Dominants draw upon this approach and scratch their head why it isn't working.  

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 8/15/2007 6:56:15 PM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to kiyari)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/15/2007 6:56:07 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		~FR~

Okay, what I'm reading is you aren't suffering consequences for your actions and you want/need to in order to feel like he is your Master and thrive in your submission to him. Follow through is important and when you shrug off your job, you need to be called to the carpet for it. It sounds like you shrug off on your job on purpose just to see if there is a reaction. That's your bad, not his and then when he fails to react like 'you' believe he should, he's not a Master (or not creative, imaginative etc.) 

How about, do what you're supposed to do, serve him as he requires instead of how you think you should and let him worry about whether or not that fills him. I know how hard it can be to get to that place and until you're willing to let go of your expectations on how he should Master you, you're not going to be happy in your service. A Master uses his will, not the will of their slave. You really need to understand that whether you stay with your current situation or not. You're testing him and he's failing the test. Well, from my perspective, you're really testing yourself and you're the one who's failing.

If you're not compatible, you're not compatible but that doesn't make him any less a Master or you any more a slave just because you might not be right for one another. You've talked to him already and he's still not doing what you want so you either have to change what you want and accept that he will Master you as he sees fit and not as you see fit or find someone else who is more in line with your desires, wants and needs as a submissive.

You might want to apologize to him for the insulting things you've said about him as well, but that's up to you.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/15/2007 7:39:14 PM   
ExquisiteFeline


Posts: 124
Status: offline 		Trust.
When i started playing with my Master, i was still under the submission values of other Masters, and what i thought it was in my own values. Not all Master's are sadistic, and wanting to starve and beat their submissive.
But Master has a different plan, a different story, i am learning to submit to that.
To my Master it not about the NOW, it is the journey, and in reality it is exactly what i was seeking. He is molding me, he is guiding therefore he is not going to submit to my desires, i am learning to submit to his.
It sounds to me that he is doing a fantastic job of Dominating, you want just water, so he orders you a salad. There you go, you have have to submit to Master's choices and not yours.
i think you are forgetting your role. Maybe you need to clear your head of what you think you need and be the clean canvas for your Dom's Masterpiece, its sounds to me that you keep pulling the brush out his hand and painting in your own colors, and that is defacing art.
Alternatively, as others have said, find another Master.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/15/2007 8:40:55 PM   
viperess


Posts: 290
Joined: 11/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: viperess
Okay i have to say when i first read the title of the thread i was mmmm surprised is the word i will use since the moderators frown on some language around here.


What is wrong with the title of this thread that it might garner the attention of the mods?  I don't see anything about that is in violation of TOS.

Knight's Kyra

Nothing to do with the title and everything to do with how i was going to address it.

_____________________________

viperess slave of BlackTarnHeart
heart and chain sister to velvetvixen68

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/15/2007 9:28:34 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		There really are no correct answers, except for the ones you find for yourself that work.  I can think of numerous questions though.

Do you think it appropriate to disrespect your Master by speaking of him as you have done?

When he makes the coffee himself rather than an issue of it, is he tired?  Has he had a busy day?  Is it simply easier to make his own coffee than deal with having to call you on your lack of responsibility and fulfillment of your obligations?  The same question in any and every scenario you presented.  Maybe he got tired of indulging your fantasy AND listening to you beg and whine and plead with him to let you go.  If he's the Master, isn't that his right? 

How aggressive and strict would he have to be, in order for you to feel owned?  Are you really prepared for such a situation?  Can you go from the relationship with someone who seems to be very happy to indulge your fantasies and needs to the best of his abilities (I'm assuming this from what you have shared...based on your own statement that he's not really engaged with the D's Lifestyle) to someone of the extreme opposite?  It is my experience that subs who scream "me me me" are not terribly thrilled (or prepared) to have their wishes removed from the equation.

Perhaps he makes a  statement in and of itself that you are so poor a slave that it is easier for him to serve himself?  After all, how hard IS IT to keep the pot fresh and hot?  Rather than criticize him for not disciplining you, you should be devestated that you let him down and breeched your contract with him.  Well, perhaps not over a cup of coffee. But a commitment is a commitment.  How can you criticize him for not being STRONG enough to keep you in your place when you aren't strong enough to maintain the position?

Perhaps you need to revisit your own definition of what a Master is.  He has taken resonsibility for your well being, obvious in the fact that he has put forth a good faith effort to be involved in this sort of a relationship with you.  If this is contrary to his nature, then extra Kudos to the man for stepping up to the plate to take a swing at something that might be entirely foreign to him. 

There are people who have no interest in such things, and less interest in restructuring their life to please their partner to the extent yours seems to have done.  If in fact he isn't Dominant but is doing his best to please you and keep you happy, well to be honest, there are worse things you could endure. 

I'm not negating the needs a slave/sub/Master/Mistress/switch/ etc. has and how hard it is to find the right dynamic that fits. I'm sure it is very hard for you to have the desire to be owned and not feel as if you are.  It may be that the only way you will find this, is to seek it elsewhere.  I would personally have a hard time advising anyone to leave a relationship under such circumstances as you laid out or to encourage them to seek what they needed outside that relationship. 

I don't think it necessary for you to answer any of the questions that popped into my head reading this string.  Certainly isn't necessary for you to justify your actions.  After all, as I stated in the first line of this post - the only right answer is the one you find for yourself that works.

Good luck in your search and best wishes. 

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 8/15/2007 10:12:42 PM >

(in reply to viperess)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/15/2007 9:38:52 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

Being the sadist that I am.. if I was him... I would do even less of what you want... till you shut up and realize that I  am not your service Top.


:::::swoon:::::

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/15/2007 9:40:00 PM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
mmmmmmmmm seems what the problem is not a lack of Dominance.. it's a lack of submission.


and respect.

Your lack of respect is blantantly apparant. 

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/16/2007 4:07:01 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

Being the sadist that I am.. if I was him... I would do even less of what you want... till you shut up and realize that I  am not your service Top.


:::::swoon:::::


LOL

Yeah that part gave me butterflies in my stomach  *g*  I guess I am not the only one...

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to marieToo)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/16/2007 4:11:52 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: viperess
Nothing to do with the title and everything to do with how i was going to address it.


Ah, got it.  Thank you for clarifying.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to viperess)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/16/2007 4:16:11 AM   
Cyntilating


Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fsslave

i always want MORE from my Master. If He smacks me with the crop 5 times, i wish it had been 10. If He orders only water and a salad for me in a restaurant, i wish it had been only water. If He cuffs one of my hands to the bed for three hours, i wish it had been both hands, or a longer time. If he makes me put a butt plug in but lets me take it out when i beg, i wish he had been "more dominant" and made me leave it in longer. i always want my boundaries pushed, and i am constantly dissatisfied with Him for the dominance he does give me. i feel that he doesn't really want to be a Master; He talks the talk but does not walk the walk. i think i have dragged Him kicking and screaming into something He never desired, although he says He gets off on it as much as i do. And sometimes i think He may just not have the intelligence, imagination or ambition to be a good Master. Again, i believe He is just doing it to please me. Which is wonderful, but not particularly effective. Am i, in effect, topping from the bottom?...okay i know the answer to that one, i am. But i don't want to. Any sage words for me?


gosh, there are ALOT of "i" "me" "my" "mine"  in that statement...
wondering if you had noticed that fssslave?
and
I can't help wondering how your master must feel at the end of the day when you make it so known/obvious to him how dissappointed and unfullfilled YOU are?  gosh... I just want to give him a hug right now...
( I am serious...I am not flaming you ...I am truly saying what your post makes me feel inside )...
The words that comes to mind ( well there are several more actually ) when I read your words are " taking" & "getting" ...
.....have you tried emptying your mind and feelings of SELF, and focusing more on "letting" and " giving"  ?
just a thought.
Others will advise better than I can..
but I do hope you can find your answers..
I think you are both 2 unhappy, unsatisfyed people right now..
 
ohhh!  here's an idea/thought>>
give yourself 2 weeks> and do nothing but please HIM beyond his wildest or highest expectations from/of you .> put yourself and your own needs aside completely and lavish him with care, emotions, giving totally of your mind and body with no expectations to your own pleasures or needs.. surprise him with words of praise and of how much you care about him and how thankful you are to be HIS. Remind him that you are there to please him no matter what he wants or needs all he has to do is ask, you want to do your best to make sure he is happy and to obey all his wants and wishes...
( I know you said that youve already tried that  and he fails to respond the way you want him to ...< maybe really think about that feeling and comment you made also..)  
the key to the above is putting aside any expectations of your part as to what those "wants and wishes" might be....
If it's a quiet evening at home holding hands and talking about the book he read that day >  give yourself as fully to that experience as you would if he had you bound and gagged to the corner stop light...
listen intently ..hang on every word..engage his thoughts...share yours, when he asks for them, openly  and enthusiastically..  and read the book yourself !!  could be fun : )
thats just one example....100's are roaming in my head..
 
and see what happens...
 
or don't.... 
but whatever you do, I hope you find your answers..
if doing the above for 2 weeks feels very foreign to you...then perhaps its time to re-evaluate what submission feels like to  you ?  and re-assess..
 
 
 
 
 



_____________________________

Cyndi

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to fsslave)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/16/2007 5:03:26 AM   
Daddysjezzy


Posts: 54
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline 		A slave serves and follows the rules laid down by her Master because she has vowed to do so and gets pleasure from giving her Master pleasure.  From your posts it appears that your service centers around you and getting the attention you seem to crave.  You break rules to see if you will get punished and then get mad when you dont get punished.  The power dynamic is that your Master makes the rules and he administers them as he pleases.  You are a slave and do as you are told.  Simple really.  You dont live in a democracy.  He decides how he will dominate you.  He decides when and how you will be punished and what for.  He decides when and how he will play with you or if you deserve play at all.  You are a slave and wanting to be the center of attention and calling the shots in the relationship isnt really appropriate behavior.  I think you really need to assess whether being a slave is your vocation.  Good luck.

(in reply to Cyntilating)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/16/2007 5:31:48 AM   
desiresluv


Posts: 41
Joined: 6/13/2007
Status: offline 		Dissatisfied?? Move on...find someone you are happy with...and maybe he will find someone that is happy with him.  For once, I agree with the majority..you are being disrespectful to him and think that you are the only one with issues.  Good luck.

(in reply to Daddysjezzy)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/16/2007 6:36:24 AM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: desiresluv

Dissatisfied?? Move on...find someone you are happy with...and maybe he will find someone that is happy with him.  For once, I agree with the majority..you are being disrespectful to him and think that you are the only one with issues.  Good luck.


would she even be happy with another????
this is about her, not another
 
another 4cents....inflation

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to desiresluv)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/16/2007 7:09:16 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		First, you need to find out what you really need - not just what you want.

(in reply to shyinini)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/16/2007 8:37:46 AM   
ExquisiteFeline


Posts: 124
Status: offline 		One of my sub rules.
"i must not think for Master."
Any sentence that starts with "i think...." Master clears his throat and says "you what? you think?" then shakes his head and tuts, sometimes i may even get a little spank for that... and then i go all gooey...


(in reply to becca333)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/16/2007 9:03:42 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fsslave
Any sage words for me?
Yeah, either shut the fuck up and accept what you're given or move the fuck on. You're selfish. Accept it or change it.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to fsslave)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/16/2007 9:20:30 AM   
fsslave


Posts: 16
Joined: 8/14/2007
Status: offline 		ohhh!  here's an idea/thought>>
give yourself 2 weeks> and do nothing but please HIM beyond his wildest or highest expectations from/of you .> put yourself and your own needs aside completely and lavish him with care, emotions, giving totally of your mind and body with no expectations to your own pleasures or needs.. surprise him with words of praise and of how much you care about him and how thankful you are to be HIS. Remind him that you are there to please him no matter what he wants or needs all he has to do is ask, you want to do your best to make sure he is happy and to obey all his wants and wishes...
( I know you said that youve already tried that  and he fails to respond the way you want him to ...< maybe really think about that feeling and comment you made also..)  
the key to the above is putting aside any expectations of your part as to what those "wants and wishes" might be....
If it's a quiet evening at home holding hands and talking about the book he read that day >  give yourself as fully to that experience as you would if he had you bound and gagged to the corner stop light...
listen intently ..hang on every word..engage his thoughts...share yours, when he asks for them, openly  and enthusiastically..  and read the book yourself !!  could be fun : )
thats just one example....100's are roaming in my head..
 
and see what happens...
 
or don't.... 
but whatever you do, I hope you find your answers..
if doing the above for 2 weeks feels very foreign to you...then perhaps its time to re-evaluate what submission feels like to  you ?  and re-assess..

Loved that idea...give Him 2 weeks, thought "ok i can do that"...then i read further...Discuss a BOOK with Him???? ROFLOL...the man doesn't read. I read. (oh yes, i DID capitalize that I)  Share His interests? What interests? All he does is work at a minimum wage job all night, sleep all day, and look at TV until its time to go back in to work. He really HAS no life other than me, my interests, my house, my friends and our get-togethers, my professional income, my 401K to look forward to in the future...and i couldn't even make this up if i tried-He still lives with His parents!  i get to see Him on weekends...you'd think it'd be easy to serve Him for 2 days of the week, but i guess i am too used to being in charge of my own life all week to do a good job. But remember, for Him, a good job is very minimal anyhow. You all think i have no respect? i don't, and i admit that. Except for the fact that He loves me so damn much i can literally see a purple aura around him when He looks at me, theres not a lot else there. i think if he could start feeling assertive, he can improve His outlook on life and motivation and stop letting people (including me) walk all over Him. But i know that nothing is gonna increase His IQ.
Your'e all very very right when you say i am a bad bad bad slave. i guess i believe (and don't tell me a slave can't have her own beliefs and ideas- but thats a whole other thread) that the slave and the Master must meet each somewhere in the middle, like in any other relationship in the world. Especially a VOLUNTARY slave, and no one on this forum has yet stated they are anything less than happy volunteers to this lifestyle. Give me a Master worthy of my service, and i will serve well.
Just talked myself into doing what i have to do...end this mis match now.



 
 
 
 



(in reply to Cyntilating)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/16/2007 9:26:56 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Love never really solves anything.

Next time just remember to not make the commitment unless you KNOW it works for you- not because you just see what you want to see and hope for change.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to fsslave)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Dissatisfaction with Master - 8/16/2007 11:34:46 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		You appear to be more extreme than he is. This doesn't mean he isn't dominant, just that your limits aren't identical. He might be the perfect dom for someone like me, whereas someone who never gives his sub any pleasure would be incompatible for me but maybe perfect for you.

However going around saying he isn't real shows you in a very bad light. And think about it from his point of view. If he leaves you black and blue today, then he can't play with you tomorrow because it isn't healthy to put bruise on top of bruise with no recovery time. If he keeps you on bread and water, then your metabolism resets to make you gain weight easier plus you won't have the nutrients needed to go hiking with him. If he leaves you totally bound for hours, then he has to spend those hours watching you which is a waste of his time.

Compatibility is what you're lacking.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 40
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