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The Problem of Virginity - 8/15/2007 3:43:29 PM

ShannonNoelle

Posts: 16
Joined: 8/14/2007
Status: offline

I am new to pretty much everything, both D/s and sexuality in general. I have only had one casual vanilla relationship. As you might guess, I am a virgin to both BDSM and sex, and don't know a whole lot about the former and only theoretically about the latter.

I don't want to jump into a relationship of any type, but I do really want to experience what it is like to be a submissive. I'm not very comfortable at parties or in large groups, so any of the local clubs are a last resort. I was thinking of going to see a reputable Pro-dom/me in the area (Vancouver, BC). (And yes, I understand that it's a D/s thing and not a sex thing)

Does anyone think this is a good/bad idea? I have vague ideas about what I would want to try, and am not uncomfortable talking with a potential dom/me.

Advice would be muchly appreciated.

Post #: 1

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/15/2007 4:06:14 PM

OneEvilBastard

Posts: 15
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

I'd make sure they're reputable - though you are evidently already considering that. I know of way too many pro dominants who got in to it for pretty poor reasons and really don't know what they're doing.

I'd also recommend first really considering what it is you're looking for and then, once you know exactly what it is you want, making sure the dominant you're planning on visiting understands too and is willing to provide that.

If you're after bondage and slow, sensual teasing while tied, someone that specializes in humiliation probably isn't going to work for you. If you're after sensations rather than power exchange, you'll want to make sure you're not visiting someone who thinks any demands on your part are an affront to them, etc.

Ultimately professionals are just that: professionals. If you're looking for love, you don't go to a strip club or a prostitute. On the other hand, if you're looking to enjoy watching beautiful people or simply getting your rocks off, they may well be great. Same goes for professional BDSM: if you accept what the service is and find a great person, it can be a great service - but it's also different to the dynamic of a relationship where money doesn't change hands.

(in reply to ShannonNoelle)

Post #: 2

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/15/2007 4:31:33 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

If it feels wrong, say STOP!

If they don't, RUN.

Beyond that, do your best to honestly explain what you are and are not comfortable with. You have no obligation to play with anyone, and the players you'll come to respect most, will probably be least likely to rush to your aid if you dive in headfirst.

Approach it like any other social situation; you have just as much right to be there as anyone else. Don't feel the need to prove anything to the group; let the group prove itself worthy of your attention.

You'll have plenty of time to 'prove' yourself worthy, to the right person/people, in due course.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to OneEvilBastard)

Post #: 3

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/15/2007 5:38:11 PM

nickymaz

Posts: 47
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline

Shannon;

You're not alone, I'm a virgin as well. Also, virginity is not a "problem" in my opinion. I will just echo whats already been said; dont rush into anything, if you feel uncomfortable back off, take your time and feel things out. Talk to people in your local groups, there are usually folks who will look out for younger members. If you're going to meet someone make sure someone knows where you are and who you're with.

Good luck!
nick

< Message edited by nickymaz -- 8/15/2007 5:39:02 PM >

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 4

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/15/2007 5:50:32 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

As someone who also doesn't really LIKE the social aspect of parties because I can't stand mingling and the art of chit chat is completely lost on me- I say go anyway, with at least one good buddy, and meet some people. You do have to start somewhere and just like you get to date before you make someone your boyfriend, you get to play before you make someone your master.

However, meeting people for private dates or pro sessions is a completely legitimate option as well- as long as you know you can exercise mature and responsible judgement.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to nickymaz)

Post #: 5

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/15/2007 6:03:34 PM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

The only advice I really have is be honest- with yourself, and with others. Being a virgin is nothing to be really upset about, and definitely not a problem. You're obviously not hiding it, which is a great start.

Be comfortable with yourself, and wait until you're comfortable being yourself with someone else before making any big decisions.

Best of luck.

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 6

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/15/2007 6:07:25 PM

PlayfulOne

Posts: 1047
Status: offline

Just make sure youi find somone who apprecuiates and is interested in you and not just lookiong to score youir virginity.

K

(in reply to nickymaz)

Post #: 7

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/15/2007 6:38:59 PM

ShannonNoelle

Posts: 16
Joined: 8/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

As someone who also doesn't really LIKE the social aspect of parties because I can't stand mingling and the art of chit chat is completely lost on me- I say go anyway.

Thank you for that blutness. some of the replies seem to have missed my question: "Is seeing a Pro-dom/me a good idea for a first-timer?" You have actually addressed my question.

Many thanks.

I have absolutely no issues with the state of my virginity, except that dating in any sense makes me nervous.

< Message edited by ShannonNoelle -- 8/15/2007 6:40:09 PM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/15/2007 6:46:13 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Well I don't think those nerves ever go away, but practice can help a lot in making sure it's the good kind of nerves.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ShannonNoelle)

Post #: 9

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/15/2007 6:52:41 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

Virginity is not a problem. You are allowing the fact you are inexperienced/virginal to detract from your confidence. Think of it this way....you have waited to make decisions regarding who you have sex with and who you play with until you find the right person and situation. You have not been coerced into making decisions you did not want. You haven't caved to peer pressure. That's pretty cool, I think. Continue to excercise good judgment and you'll be fine. If something feels 'wrong,' it probably is wrong for you.

Getting to know kinky people is exactly like getting to know vanilla people. In what way are you uncomfortable talking to potential partners? I was uncomfortable when I first met my Dominant, because I'm not a people person, very shy, and I suck at small talk. I was not 'comfortable' the first time we scened. But both experiences were definitely worth the momentary discomfort. So I would ask myself, "Is experiencing my fantasies with my partner worth a little discomfort in discussing those fantasies?" I don't know you, but I bet the answer is yes.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to ShannonNoelle)

Post #: 10

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/15/2007 11:24:41 PM

Rockwell

Posts: 63
Status: offline

Girlfriend - your mailbox will hit 1,000,000,000,000 in approx 12 minutes.

(in reply to junecleaver)

Post #: 11

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/16/2007 1:12:58 AM

ocilla

Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

As someone who also doesn't really LIKE the social aspect of parties because I can't stand mingling and the art of chit chat is completely lost on me- I say go anyway, with at least one good buddy, and meet some people. You do have to start somewhere and just like you get to date before you make someone your boyfriend, you get to play before you make someone your master.

LA is right on spot with this advice. Go looking for trustworthy allies who will help you find a good match rather than thinking of it as a party. Think of it as a room full of people that have resources and info that you want and wheedle it out of them. The first folks to give me solid advice and info were Domme's with maternal and teaching leanings. I found them very helpful and safe - but maybe it had nothing to do with their gender or inclinations - I;m not certain. You are such a youngster and being a female I imagine you will be taken right under the wing of the group and if you do have good judgement you will make sure the wing you take guidance and protection from is a good one. Think of yourself as interviewing and researching folks rather than selling yourself or chit chatting. Think up all those questions you wondered about and fire away.

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 12

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/16/2007 1:15:25 AM

ocilla

Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rockwell

Girlfriend - your mailbox will hit 1,000,000,000,000 in approx 12 minutes.

Yeah, this kind of worries me for you - kind of like a chicken in a crocodile pond.

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to Rockwell)

Post #: 13

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/16/2007 1:32:37 AM

SatanInHeels

Posts: 18
Joined: 7/8/2007
Status: offline

Call me old fashioned or whatever (and I don't doubt you know what you want at 19 years old) but I think it may be best to experience sex in general before leaping in the world of BDSM. Find out what you like and what turns you on etc.. Because looking for someone genuine on a website like this you are seriously clutching at straws...

(in reply to ShannonNoelle)

Post #: 14

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/16/2007 1:47:32 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline

I must respectfully disagree with you Satan.

I'd consider it a blessing for a person to discover that they are submissive (or dominant) at an early age . They already know that they desire more than what they can find in vanilla. That is a tremendous head start over many who discover their desires later in life once they've settled in a vanilla relationship which is unfulfilling. She has the opportunity to learn now whether or not BDSM is indeed right for her before she is tied down with children and mortgages. I think she should continue to use her good judgment and not settle for just anyone to play with, however, I also think that she should become comfortable with her sexuality/submission.

Seeing a pro might help her better understand her desires in an unthreatening manner. She can explore what she wants to explore without concern of commitment. If she enjoys what she learns she can embrace it. If she doesn't, she can always go back to vanilla.

I also agree with those who suggest she attend events; if for no other purpose than to see what takes place and to ask questions that her vanilla friends/family cannot answer.

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(in reply to SatanInHeels)

Post #: 15

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/16/2007 3:14:21 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

There's an old saying, that sex is a major issue for those who've never had it.

Then again, it's usually a major issue for those who have had it.

Certainly, almost everyone wants their first time to be special. If I was 19, a virgin, and had a huge interest in BDSM, it would make sense that I'd like my first to share my interests. It's true, that finding the right person may be challenging, but you simply can't force the issue. The right person will come along, in due course, and things will feel right if it's not rushed or feared. The butterflies'll pass, though; this is how our species managed to survive for hundreds of thousands of years.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to Domin8tingUrDrmz)

Post #: 16

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/16/2007 5:30:41 AM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

Your profile says you're 19, and you state you have had one casual vanilla relationship.

In other words, you're just getting started. Let it be an adventure, both in experiencing the world of BDSM and experiencing relationships. Explore your local BDSM community; meet people as friends and develop a circle of people you can trust within which you may safely play and experiment.

Allow relationships to develop wherever they spring up. If they're vanilla, so be it. Deep relationships are their own form of challenge (with or without sex, and certainly with or without lifestyle elements).

In any case, I would never regard your virginity as a "problem"; it merely means you are at the beginning of the journey. Enjoy taking the first steps--no matter what happens, you only take first steps once; savor them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShannonNoelle

I am new to pretty much everything, both D/s and sexuality in general. I have only had one casual vanilla relationship. As you might guess, I am a virgin to both BDSM and sex, and don't know a whole lot about the former and only theoretically about the latter.

I don't want to jump into a relationship of any type, but I do really want to experience what it is like to be a submissive. I'm not very comfortable at parties or in large groups, so any of the local clubs are a last resort. I was thinking of going to see a reputable Pro-dom/me in the area (Vancouver, BC). (And yes, I understand that it's a D/s thing and not a sex thing)

Does anyone think this is a good/bad idea? I have vague ideas about what I would want to try, and am not uncomfortable talking with a potential dom/me.

Advice would be muchly appreciated.

_____________________________

(in reply to ShannonNoelle)

Post #: 17

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/16/2007 5:41:05 AM

michaelOfGeorgia

Posts: 4253
Status: offline

quote:

The Problem of Virginity

i have a problem with virginity...i lost mine and can't seem to find it anywhere...does anyone know where it went?

<GRINZ>

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to ShannonNoelle)

Post #: 18

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/16/2007 6:01:41 AM

becca333

Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline

I've lost my virginity, but I've still got the box it came in.

Ok ok I know, but SOMEONE had to say it.

To the OP, you've got so much time, move slowly and see what works for you. And don't expect reality to be anything like your fantasies - it's different, usually better, and if you just let things happen and don't try to force them into a particular form you'll have a great time.

(in reply to michaelOfGeorgia)

Post #: 19

RE: The Problem of Virginity - 8/16/2007 6:04:18 AM

michaelOfGeorgia

Posts: 4253
Status: offline

good one...did you keep the receipt?

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to becca333)

Post #: 20

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