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catch 22 - 7/5/2005 1:12:43 PM   
Valhalla69


Posts: 34
Joined: 7/3/2005
Status: offline 		I was just wondering if anyone had any ideas how to find a sub in real life?

I have been in the lifestyle for a couple of months online but as far as the real world goes it seems that new subs want an experienced Dom and experienced subs dont want a new Dom.

Does Anyone have any ideas how i can find a sub who will help me learn the physical side of the lifestyle?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: catch 22 - 7/5/2005 1:16:50 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		You're right, it's very hard for inexperienced doms to find play partners and relationships. I've long said that the best way for a man to get into the scene is on a cute woman's arm.

But until then, just put yourself out there and make friends. Volunteer to organize groups and help out with things.

(in reply to Valhalla69)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: catch 22 - 7/5/2005 1:21:05 PM   
femdom4u2besub


Posts: 35
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Or find another Dom to mentor you and get some experience under your belt.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: catch 22 - 7/5/2005 1:36:58 PM   
terryuk


Posts: 11
Joined: 3/25/2005
Status: offline 		I think the more people you know and friends you have in the scene, the more likely you are to meet someone who might be right for you. If you're looking online you'll certainly find it very difficult to meet a partner. So my advice would be to perhaps not focus on finding a partner immediately, but to just get out there and make friends - a local munch would be a good place to start. Hope you have lots of luck!

(in reply to Valhalla69)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: catch 22 - 7/5/2005 1:45:39 PM   
plantlady64


Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		Hello There,
I'm a new sub, The way I've found friends to actually play with was to join my local society called Black Rose and I go to events at my local dungeon. Maybe you can find face to face places to go and meet people. I think face to face meetings add the chemistry to the mix. Lot's of women want to find someone with chemistry first. That may be better than trying to convince someone with words only.
Good Luck,
sub suzanne

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: catch 22 - 7/5/2005 1:49:48 PM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Valhalla69

I was just wondering if anyone had any ideas how to find a sub in real life?



Well...today is your lucky day. I am going to let you in on the real secret of finding a sub in real life. Don't look for one in the lifestyle.

The lifestyle is an absolutley horrible place for a male dom to find a female sub. The truth is, many (if not most) women have a real submissive streak. If what you want is a gal to tie up, spank, and/or control in a sexual manner you will do much better at your local bar or on vanilla personals sites.

Drop hints that you are "kinky" (wear a bit of leather (but don't over-do it) or, if you are really bold, carry hand cuffs on your belt) and you will soon figure out who has always dreamed of being carried off and dominated.

What you find (with rare exceptions, of course) in the lifestyle is a) people already attached b) people who aren't available (emotionally, physically, and/or relationship wise) c) people who aren't what they say they are OR (and this one will probably get me killed) d) people who aren't all that attractive.

Now, if you are looking for something more specific then a "sub", such as a pain slut, a service slave, or 24/7 tpe relationship, it might take as much looking in the vanilla world as it would in the lifestyle, as those things require a bit of self-knowledge and education that only comes with experience in the lifestyle.

Of course, YMMV...

Taggard

Edited to add a concrete suggestion: Take up ballroom dancing. 1) The male to female ratio works to your advantage 2) Women who want to be lead around the dance floor tend to enoy being lead in other areas as well.

< Message edited by TallDarkAndWitty -- 7/5/2005 1:54:46 PM >

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to Valhalla69)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: catch 22 - 7/5/2005 2:28:00 PM   
Faramir


Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline 		I'm going to disgree with TD&Y here.

I've met tons of people online through alt and B.com. Some where hits (relationships) and some were misses (maybe a date or two). It seems to be that there are a ton of available BDSM oriented women at these kind of dating sites, and if you are reasonably normal they are willing to talk and see where it leads.

I will say that I found my first two subs, and then my former wife via "BDSM Radar" out in the vanilla world. I seemed to attract submissive women, and submissive women tended to catch my eye - funny how that works. That being said, that is a WAY more hit and miss process then starting off with only people who say something like, "I want to be owned." The other side is that I don't think "BDSM radar" gives you any idea of how hard a person wants to go. I think I can get a sense from a girl often as to whether she has submissive tendencies - I am always surprised by how far they want to go or dont want. There are some wild-childs who are kinda tame in BDSM, and then there are girls who look like butter wouldn't melt in their mouth who are complete toilet/pain whores. Go figure. Maybe other people have even better calibrated radar than me, but I feel it is much more effecient for me to start with the pool of self-identified submissives who match me in intimacy framework.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: catch 22 - 7/5/2005 2:41:08 PM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Faramir
I've met tons of people online through alt and B.com. Some where hits (relationships) and some were misses (maybe a date or two). It seems to be that there are a ton of available BDSM oriented women at these kind of dating sites, and if you are reasonably normal they are willing to talk and see where it leads.


I don't think you are disagreeing with me as much as strengthing my point. You certainly can find people on this board and b.com. (My last slave came from this very message board.) Yet I have (and I am going to assume you do as well) quite a bit of experience not only in BDSM, but also in the online hunt. I am sure you have developed a "realityRADAR" that you use online much like you use your "BDSM-RADAR" in three dimensions.

As a newbie the tools and experience to quickly separate the good from the bad are simply not there. Trying to wade into that environment is much like swimming with the sharks. As I said, a much better idea would be to comb the local "undiscovered talent", build up a bit of experience, and show up at a local munch with Emerald's "cute girl on your arm".

Of course, YMMV...

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to Faramir)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: catch 22 - 7/5/2005 2:57:26 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty


quote:

ORIGINAL: Faramir
I've met tons of people online through alt and B.com. Some where hits (relationships) and some were misses (maybe a date or two). It seems to be that there are a ton of available BDSM oriented women at these kind of dating sites, and if you are reasonably normal they are willing to talk and see where it leads.


I don't think you are disagreeing with me as much as strengthing my point. You certainly can find people on this board and b.com. (My last slave came from this very message board.) Yet I have (and I am going to assume you do as well) quite a bit of experience not only in BDSM, but also in the online hunt. I am sure you have developed a "realityRADAR" that you use online much like you use your "BDSM-RADAR" in three dimensions.

As a newbie the tools and experience to quickly separate the good from the bad are simply not there. Trying to wade into that environment is much like swimming with the sharks. As I said, a much better idea would be to comb the local "undiscovered talent", build up a bit of experience, and show up at a local munch with Emerald's "cute girl on your arm".

Of course, YMMV...

Taggard


A kinky person with little/no experience in dating/courting and vanilla romance is going to have a very hard time finding a kinky partner. The longer they wait and the older they get, the more of a challenge it will be.

I would think that a person who has dominant or submissive traits to their sensuality would have been expressing them -- even if subtle - in their vanilla intimacy. This is where they build the basic fundamentals of how power exchange works -- from reading cues to communicating to spotting potential partners that may possess some hints of willingness to experiment. This could be as simple as being a bit commanding in bed at times, launching into playful roleplay with a partner, a little hairpulling or scratching, a little teasing and denial done in good humor just to get a tingle of excitement from the partner's reaction.

If a person truly was a blank slate much later in life coming into bdsm, with a sudden realization he/she was kinky, it would be difficult to just gather information on the net and in books and then go find a partner and jump into BDSM at a more advanced level.

When I've tried to help sub men introduce their vanilla wives to femdom, the first thing I tell them is to put aside the toys and outfits and codes and protocol, and let her learn to first enjoy the basics of sensual, erotic control. To do it any other way seems backwards. I would give the same advice to any dominant starting to get into bdsm with no experience -- first, find your "inner dom" and lightly, playfully experiment in vanilla relationships. It helps build a foundation where you understand the nuances of control and grasp the one thing all dominants must have -- confidence. Without that, no amount of toys or outfits or potential subs will bring you a fulfilling BDSM relationship.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: catch 22 - 7/5/2005 5:40:44 PM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
A kinky person with little/no experience in dating/courting and vanilla romance is going to have a very hard time finding a kinky partner. The longer they wait and the older they get, the more of a challenge it will be.


You are, of course, absolutely correct. Someone with charm and social grace (and the requisite experience to develop such) will have little difficulty finding a partner in either the BDSM or vanilla world.

The only response that can truthfully be given to the OP is that when he hasdeveloped his "inner Dom" his sub will appear. And while true, it really doesn't help a whole heck of a lot.

Obviously, he has tried the boards and maybe the munches, with little success. Maybe he is no online Cassanova, or simply doesn't know the lingo and can't recognize the signs. Either way, he posts the question, and we try to give him some help. Some say go help serve punch at the local munch...I think that is a rather ineffecient use of time.

Every dance club and bar in the USA has at least one submissive woman in the place on just about any night of the week. Get away from the computer and go look for the signs...it might even help you develop that inner Dom...

Taggard




_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: catch 22 - 7/5/2005 7:38:12 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Hit them over the head with a club and drag them back to your place to be chained up untill you don't want them anymore.

Seriously, be confident in yourself and don't go below your standards.
When it comes to meeting a sub you want to go to munches and events. You may also want to start e-mailing them on the sight telling who you are and what you have to offer in being the right dom for that sub.
Chat, end up talking to each other on the phone, and see about meeting at a public place that will hopefully end up at your place.

Above all, know that patients is a virtue. If for some reason a sub dosen't show up, don't allow your day to be runined. You're already out and about so enojoy the day and treat yourself to a nice meal.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to Valhalla69)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: catch 22 - 7/5/2005 8:35:51 PM   
SirDiscipliner69


Posts: 2607
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline 		Actually the use of vanillia personals such as yahell works well if you write it well enough to be thought provoking and alluring...you need to allude to such a relation by using keywords yet also giving use of rapier wit to this two edged sword...

Sometimes you will get an interesting replay inquiring to the nature of your message...sometimes not....

It is a matter of communication so it does open the door for discussion of possibilities...

imho

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: catch 22 - 7/5/2005 9:09:43 PM   
imtempting


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDiscipliner69

Actually the use of vanillia personals such as yahell works well if you write it well enough to be thought provoking and alluring...
imho

I found my Mistress that I was with from a vanilla dating site. We stumbled upon each other.

(in reply to SirDiscipliner69)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: catch 22 - 7/6/2005 2:54:58 AM   
Valhalla69


Posts: 34
Joined: 7/3/2005
Status: offline 		I just wanted to say thanks for all your help and i will be acting on it.

I have found a local munch which i am going to.

So,if nothing else i will make some new friends

thanks again everyone and have a great day.

(in reply to imtempting)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: catch 22 - 7/7/2005 12:44:30 AM   
Akinta


Posts: 31
Joined: 8/16/2004
Status: offline 		I personally love this thread, and agree a lot with TD&W in his approach. All the women I've found were out in the real world. I've tried these nice online things, but there's too much "junk" to go along with those of us who are actually interested. It's also a lot better to meet them in real life and move from there, as face to face meetings have much more impact. Online places are more for discussions, exchanges of information and advice (like this) and getting a better idea of just what it is you're wanting.
Be yourself, be who you are.. and it all falls in to place as you walk.

(in reply to Valhalla69)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: catch 22 - 7/7/2005 5:45:50 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I also have to say this (finding nilla and converting) is more likely to work out if you're not that experienced yourself, OR are wanting to take the time to start from scratch and train from the ground up.

Personally, I can enjoy vanilla relationships, but when it comes to the Owner, I would not have enjoyed having to convert and go through all of that mess. With my experience, I wanted something I could just get right into and work just as vanilla people get into new relationships.

I wouldn't automatically reject someone because they weren't as experienced as I am, and I certainly collect newbies in the scene to bring them out and help them along, but that's not as a primary relationship.

So, it's a valid idea, but not one that works for me generally.

(in reply to Akinta)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: catch 22 - 7/22/2005 3:44:23 PM   
HalloweenWhite


Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Valhalla69

I was just wondering if anyone had any ideas how to find a sub in real life?

I have been in the lifestyle for a couple of months online but as far as the real world goes it seems that new subs want an experienced Dom and experienced subs dont want a new Dom.

Does Anyone have any ideas how i can find a sub who will help me learn the physical side of the lifestyle?



Id say unless you are VERY good looking and able to exude "Domlyness", here is NOT a good place to look. Get to as many munches,demos,parties and fairs as you can and gert known. Make friends and take it from there. How skilled are you?, I only ask because if you have a special skill,maybe there are people needing people to demonstrate what they know. That way you kill 3 birds with 1 stone- (1) You get seen in the scene
(2) you get known if you can do it more than once
(3) You get to meet ant talk to people.....

HalloweenWhite. Good luck

(in reply to Valhalla69)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: catch 22 - 7/22/2005 4:22:20 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Stop saying that you are an inexperienced dom and start saying that you are a confident dom who likes to learn and try new things so that both you and your sub can be happy together. I would more of that in your profile. Even back when I didn't know how to tie a slip knot, I still acted with assertiveness and confidence. I just did what I knew and if a sub asked "how come you never do this?" I'd reply back "What a good idea, but I'm going to have to practice it a few times. If you can't be patient, it's going to earn you a spanking."

So say what you can do and that you plan on practicing everything else. We aren't all Don Juans and Maquis de Saudes and there's nothing wrong with admitting to it. But always be sure to tell who you are and what you want.



< Message edited by FangsNfeet -- 7/22/2005 4:24:22 PM >

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to Valhalla69)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: catch 22 - 7/22/2005 4:52:24 PM   
nonuts4thshoney


Posts: 550
Joined: 6/12/2005
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		i have always been very kinky in the sac and also a very submissive woman. When i had met my Master we both started out in a vanilla relationship but what made our transition so easy was that i was already very submissive and She was very Dominant. We both had no experience in this lifestyle but it has woked out well so far because we are right for each other. i think finding a submissive woman in the vanilla world would be a great idea and even better if she's into some kink (or alot) LOL! The great thing about this is that you will be able to experiment more without an experienced sub wondering what hell you are doing. And, since you are learning, your girlfriend may not know the right way to do things anyways. Good practice for you.


(in reply to FangsNfeet)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: catch 22 - 7/22/2005 5:56:12 PM   
dizzi


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/17/2005
Status: offline 		hunny you and i are friends on line ... i will see if i can find someone from your area out of my network of friends, then maybe they can show you the ropes i have friends from the lifestyle all over.

Love

dizzi

(in reply to Valhalla69)
Profile   Post #: 20
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