Doms' Unhappiness

Doms' Unhappiness (Full Version)

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BDsbabygirl -> Doms' Unhappiness (8/17/2007 9:02:30 PM)
Generally speaking, do you Doms ever become unhappy over a decision you made? It seems to me that as the one that gets to be in charge and make all the decisions - whether your sub likes it or not - you wouldn't be unhappy because you could simply choose to only make decisions that give you pleasure and the relationship is all about your pleasure, right? I'm just curious; as a sub-for-life, I don't know what that's like. Even as a mother - unless it's over something lifethreatening - I always consider my children's feelings before making a decision. Or do I have it all wrong?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/17/2007 9:06:40 PM)
Life doesn't go right just because you have authority in your personal relationship. I do NOT always consider his feelings before making a decision about him. I do always consider the priorities we have chosen for ourselves and his understanding of them.

becca333 -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/17/2007 9:28:43 PM)
Is it scary to be a Dom in charge of other people's lives, and have sole responsibility for the welfare of all? It must be hard to make a decision and then see it go wrong, and know you made the error. I'm probably not expressing this as well as I'd like. I just feel, well, almost sorry for Dom/mes sometimes - they have to make all the big decisions, all the choices, and then during play the sub can relax and let go and have total fun, while the Dom is working and watching and monitoring her condition and still responsible the whole time. Boy do subs get the best of the deal.

NefertariReborn -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/17/2007 9:36:33 PM)
Unhappy? Hell yes! I've made more mistakes than I care to count. I unfortunately am not among the uber Domme class. Sometimes I need to step back, retrace My steps, see where I made the wrong choice -then make, hopefully, a better one.

Estring -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/17/2007 9:47:16 PM)
Actually to me it is not all about just my pleasure. I am also responsible for guiding and nurturing my slave. My slave doesn't expect me to be perfect, and neither do I. If I make a decision that turns out to be the wrong one, I will just have to correct it. That's no big deal.

BDsbabygirl -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/17/2007 9:52:00 PM)
Thanx for all of your answers...and thanks for this, becca333 -- quote: they have to make all the big decisions, all the choices, and then during play the sub can relax and let go and have total fun, while the Dom is working and watching and monitoring her condition and still responsible the whole time. ...that does seem like pretty hard work; guess it's amazing they even get off, eh? ... tho I don't know if I completely agree with the "have total fun" part; some of the stuff he has me do is no fun (never have cared for BJs but what man doesn't like them?)

becca333 -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/17/2007 9:55:50 PM)
I said something similar to that post of mine to a Dom once, that I had all the fun and he did all the work. Boy did he stripe me good for that one. Of course, that was probably very hard work for him, and all I had to do was lie there and take it.....

Honsoku -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/17/2007 10:19:06 PM)
Everyone makes mistakes, it is part of life. Yes, I have made decisions which I was not happy with. Sometimes there are things which seem like a good idea at a distance that turn out to be unpleasant or abhorrent up close. Other times, the decision was just a poor one (for whatever reason). "Pleasure" takes many different forms. I could eat nothing but ice cream, but I would not be happy weighing 200 pounds. If my submissive's needs aren't being met because I am too busy looking after my own wants, she will leave. In the long run, her feelings must be taken in to account. This is because, at the very least, a happy person will serve better than an unhappy one. There will always be trade-offs between different wants and short term vs. long term wants. The key is being able to own up to your mistakes, do what you can to rectify them, and learn from them. Wallowing in regret over past errors does not do anyone any good. Honsoku

BDsbabygirl -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/17/2007 10:20:36 PM)
hmmm....had never looked at it from the perspective of making "wrong" decisions or being under pressure. I knew that, basically, I do prefer being a sub (tho my Dom does see switch potential in me) but there were times that it seemed to me I'm the only one to end up unhappy because of a decision he made/rule he instituted... on an interesting note, my children have noticed that I'm bitchier and bossier now; I guess it's because after being bossed all the time, I feel the need to be the boss and to do some decision-making my own self...poor UMs (what does "UM" stand for, anyway?)

Estring -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/17/2007 10:21:28 PM)
I don't consider using my slave as work... but I can imagine that some would be.[;)]

Honsoku -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/17/2007 10:27:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl hmmm....had never looked at it from the perspective of making "wrong" decisions or being under pressure. I knew that, basically, I do prefer being a sub (tho my Dom does see switch potential in me) but there were times that it seemed to me I'm the only one to end up unhappy because of a decision he made/rule he instituted... That can happen. Though is a difference between temporary unhappiness and long term unhappiness. If something is really upsetting you, you should bring it to his attention (respectfully of course). quote: on an interesting note, my children have noticed that I'm bitchier and bossier now; I guess it's because after being bossed all the time, I feel the need to be the boss and to do some decision-making my own self...poor UMs (what does "UM" stand for, anyway?) UM: UnMentionable Honsoku

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/17/2007 11:03:14 PM)
What gives me pleasure isn't always the right thing for the sub/slave's development. If I had what I wanted, we'd all live together or at least within 10 min of each other. This is conducive to one maintaining her marriage or another maintaining his career or another care taking his ailing mother or yet another furthering her career AND maintaining the relationship with her life partner. Doing what we want all the time is unrealistic at best and unethical at worst. Master Fire

BDsbabygirl -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/17/2007 11:15:03 PM)
...ooooh, OK, I get it. Guess I've spent too much time reading boards that talk about Dom's making their subs go pantiless, resulting in sub's discomfort, merely so the sub can be used for the Dom's pleasure or boards where subs say they're willing to do whatever (task they don't nominally like, for instance) just to please the Dom, whereas you never hear about Doms being made to write Journals or kneel on the floor or drink their sub's piss, etc...I guess it's easy to get the false impression that the sub's happiness is second-rate to the Dom's and that it's all about the Dom except in the bedroom where the sub gets their pleasure... Thanx for clearing it up! And yes, I am aware that submission is about the Dom and that to be overly concerned with oneself is selfish and not at all what subbing is about...was just curious about the other side...

BDsbabygirl -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/17/2007 11:21:28 PM)
Oh, and Honsoku, I do not mean to sound as tho I am unhappy in general; in fact, it's quite the opposite, for I am deliriously happy (except when I'm depressed due to missing him), I just meant little temporary things like one day at work, he made me stop putting sewing needles in my fingers - made me wonder who censors his behavior (please don't flame me, not trying to be disrespectful, just honest). Obviously, the answer is that he censors his own behavior. One thing I'm having trouble with is keeping my tone in line. He gives me "the look" (that's all I need, even via text messaging) when I raise my voice or say something a little too strongly for his tastes; I'm used to being able to speak louder when I'm upset and it's really hard to keep it down. Hope this doesn't become an issue later, is just a slight irritant now.

KiandPhoenix -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 1:39:34 AM)
Phoenix says I don't make mistakes. If I say something I can and will back it up. If I make a decision it has been thought out to every angle, and I can back up why I am right. That being said, of course I make mistakes. It is terrible to mess something up, because I take full responsibility for my actions at all times. I have to not only think about my actions and feelings, but the feelings of every other person in my home. As far as making a decision and being unhappy in general where there is no real mistake, yes to that as well. I call it learning. I don't like unhappy decisions being meaningless. ~Ki

julietsierra -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 3:49:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl I guess it's easy to get the false impression that the sub's happiness is second-rate to the Dom's and that it's all about the Dom except in the bedroom where the sub gets their pleasure... Thanx for clearing it up! And yes, I am aware that submission is about the Dom and that to be overly concerned with oneself is selfish and not at all what subbing is about...was just curious about the other side... OH! I don't think this at ALL. My happiness is paramount to me. However, that doesn't mean I'm going to be happy all the time. It means that sometimes, happiness is deferred in relation to the larger lesson learned (not necessarily taught, but learned). See, to me, I'm all about obedience. It's what makes me happy. It's what makes me wet. To be obedient, I had to find someone who wanted someone obedient to him. Finding someone so egalitarian that I couldn't engage in obedience wouldn't have worked for me at all. So, I looked for a relationship in which I could be obedient, and that sure doesn't sound so much like "it's all about the Dom" does it?. So anyway, just because some things are hard work doesn't mean that they aren't fulfilling or happiness generating - even if at the time, happiness isn't really what I'm thinking of at all. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I'm hurting. Sometimes I'm muttering to myself all sorts of woe is me, I'll get him kind of things. But those are what I do when my emotions take over. Eventually though, I remember that my emotions are the little girl having a temper tantrum cause she doesn't get her way part of me. When I get to that point (the realization of what I'm doing), the adult me takes over and the little girl part of me is assured that all is well and will be just fine. And then, I see him and it really IS just fine. You see, as much as I love being obedient, he loves being in charge. I want him to be completely who he is. I don't want him to pretend with me. I don't want to pretend with him. If he chooses to go fishing and I'm sitting home because the call of the fish was louder than anything else, then fishing is what he needs to do. I'm not sitting there crying "but I want to spend time with you!!" There is time to spend with him - just not when he and his fishing buddies are spending the night hanging out, laughing and joking over who caught the biggest fish as they reel in another cat fish. He wants me to be exactly who I am. Anything less from either of us would be unacceptable for the both of us. Sometimes that means I don't go swimming, even though I LOVE to swim. Instead, I'm fishing with him. And honestly, while I'd dearly LOVE to be IN the water, I love being with him even more, and I also love to fish. So, I get the best of both worlds. Even while I don't get something I love, I get something I love more and I'm happy. Personally, I think this whole notion that submissives/slaves can't be selfish is a ridiculous idea. Of COURSE we're selfish. We WANT to be in these kinds of relationships or we wouldn't be there! If we weren't getting what we want, we damn sure wouldn't be there - even if sometimes within that relationship, times are tough, we get upset and possibly even contemplate what life might be like if we weren't in that kind of relationship. However, instead of thinking of those moments as somehow being indecisive about what we're doing, I tend to look forward to those kinds of mments, so that I can, yet again, make the very conscious choice to be very selfish and choose to do exactly what I want to do - which is to be in this relationship. Is it "all about the Dom?" Well, of course it is! And it's all about the submissive and it's all about the two (or more) of them, and that's not selfish or selfless. It's just realistic. juliet

Cyntilating -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 4:35:31 AM)
Juliet what a wonderful post and response. I started highlighting parts I related to or agreed with and found I had highlighted nearly all LOL ... loved your view & insight into that question

catize -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 5:27:41 AM)
I’m a bit confused about your OP. Is your dominant unhappy about a decision he made because it didn’t go as expected, or is he unhappy with your response to his decision? When both people work on the relationship then it doesn’t have to feel like work! Whether dominant or submissive, we each have responsibilities and obligations to do what we have agreed. If either party is unfulfilled by that agreement then there needs to be some discussion to sort it out.

sweetNsmartBBW -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 5:33:46 AM)
juliet...~loved~ your post s....thanks so much for sharing it!

julietsierra -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 6:12:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: catize I’m a bit confused about your OP. Is your dominant unhappy about a decision he made because it didn’t go as expected, or is he unhappy with your response to his decision? When both people work on the relationship then it doesn’t have to feel like work! Whether dominant or submissive, we each have responsibilities and obligations to do what we have agreed. If either party is unfulfilled by that agreement then there needs to be some discussion to sort it out. I believe it's more or less a post of "How come I always get to be the person who's unhappy? When is it ever YOUR turn (said to the dominant). lol...and to the OP...as far as you being miffed about not being able to stick needles in your fingers anymore...I sometimes feel your pain...it's been 5 years (on the 25th to be exact) since I've been allowed to masturbate. (Now if THAT ain't a bitch!!!) Sometimes I get really really... "frustrated" by that rule. I get upset and angry and all sorts of other adjective type words to describe horny with no available outlet. And I ask, yet again, to PLEASE be able to JUST THIS ONCE...be allowed to masturbate (read that sentence with a whiney voice...it's more appropriate)... And he laughs and laughs and laughs... and then stops laughing and says no. When I get all miffed and ask why, the darn man uses my own words against me!! "Now, you wouldn't like it very much if I went against something I said and caved just because you wanted it, would you? Do you really think I'd be that weak?" And I get to sigh, assure him with all the false promises in the world that "I really wouldn't think that SIR!!" And he laughs, says "yea, right." and I start laughing too. We move on, I don't masturbate and amazingly, I continue to live. And so will you. Cause ultimately, needles in fingers or not, this IS what you want, isn't it? And needles in fingers is really a very small price to pay for something wonderful. Wouldn't you agree? juliet

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