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RE: Feelings of resentment - 8/19/2007 11:53:25 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Thank you for the clarfication- that's exactly what I needed. My response would have been completely different if I had gone with the initial feelings I got from your OP.

Given that, I get what you mean. I'm going up to Boston in a few weeks to go and play with a partner I've been with a few times. He's a great guy, really interesting, really able to use me in ways I enjoy being used, IMO one of the best guys you'll ever meet, it's a great opportunity and I think it will be a great time. Even more, we planned it to be on the same weekend as my partner is going to ACL Fest- so he'll be busy all weekend and out of the house so if I had stayed home, I'd have just been sitting around bored (cuz I really just don't get into the whole hot crowded music fest atmosphere deal).

And YET, here I am, all worried because I think I'll be just pining away for my partner the whole time in Boston and not be able to focus and enjoy the time I have there. I understand that sort of "co dependent" behavior. And I am likely very guilty of it myself on a lot of levels.

My advice for you to not let this become a problem- is to go ahead and do things you actually do enjoy anyway. It's ok to still have those feelings of resentment and lonliness and aching- just don't let them CONTROL what you do. Focus on the part that IS enjoyable for you. I think it's only when enjoyment can be found in that direct contact with him that issues will arise. I understand only having that sense of security/fulfillment/self actualization when you are directly together, but you should still be able to ENJOY things even without that.

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RE: Feelings of resentment - 8/19/2007 7:08:23 PM

ProfJoe

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Joined: 6/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: devotedsylph

Okay, I obviously left out many things that seem to be important.

I was asking how to feel more comfortable about initiating requests to do things on my own which would remove me from his side. I feel guilty about what is effectively asking to be away from him and then resent the event.

I think it would be an issue once I moved because I would not want HIM to feel guilty that I had trouble asking to be away from him to do X. Everyone reading should know that things are different in person.

Yes, the information in your second post makes a huge difference! I hope this is more helpful to you --

if I were him I would be very touched if you were to give me a list, or an occasional note, indicating upcoming event/s with a request that I let you know when it would be convenient to arrange these activities so as not to inconvenience him.

I didn't say that you should ask when he'll be away, but when it would be "convenient." Then he can decide. He may decide, for any of a large number of reasons -- including his need to rob a bank to buy y ou lavish gifts -- that it would be nice if you were to do something apart from him, even when he's at "home."

Best wishes,
(Prof.) Joe

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RE: Feelings of resentment - 8/19/2007 8:54:00 PM

devotedsylph

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Joined: 8/8/2007
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Thank you for all the suggestions :)

No, I have not yet discussed this with Master because when I have to present him with something that I need help with, I like to take the extra step of trying to give him additional information and then presenting it, that way it's not all just "Well, here's a problem that I'm dropping on your lap, get back to me when you've got it fixed"

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RE: Feelings of resentment - 8/20/2007 1:26:33 PM

slaveish

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Joined: 2/19/2007
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You must maintain (or in your case, cultivate) a life away from your partner that you enjoy. How stale will it get if you don't, especially in person? How healthy is it for you to not have friendly contact with other people? (It's not.) This sounds like an obsession and you would do well to pull back some.

But you will do what you wish to do, and you won't do what you don't wish to do, so good luck with whatever you choose. The simplest advice I have for you is to make good choices and to gracefully accept the consequences for the bad ones. Eyes open, dear one. Don't be a fool.

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You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: Feelings of resentment - 8/20/2007 3:58:46 PM

devotedsylph

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Joined: 8/8/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

You must maintain (or in your case, cultivate) a life away from your partner that you enjoy. How stale will it get if you don't, especially in person? How healthy is it for you to not have friendly contact with other people? (It's not.) This sounds like an obsession and you would do well to pull back some.

But you will do what you wish to do, and you won't do what you don't wish to do, so good luck with whatever you choose. The simplest advice I have for you is to make good choices and to gracefully accept the consequences for the bad ones. Eyes open, dear one. Don't be a fool.

Well, "healthy" and "unhealthy" is really subjective. I know I'm a bit bizarre in how reclusive I am, but it's not by Master's orders - I am just that way. The more I am around people socially, the unhappier I become. I don't know how to explain it more clearly without making myself sound like a monster.

Thank you for the advice on choices. I try not to overstep my boundaries of my place with him.

If anyone is curious, Master has taken a variant of ProfJoe's suggestion. I went and created a calendar for the two of us and put in things like holidays, birthdays, special events, tv shows and included a few things of my own. One of my Sunday tasks is to e-mail him with the upcoming week's 'schedule' and he will then solidify anything up in the air.

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RE: Feelings of resentment - 8/20/2007 7:01:26 PM

xkittenishx

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In your first post you say "I really don't have friends anymore because he likes me to stay home...."

And in your follow up you say that it's your choice and you don't like social situations. So it seems, in my opinion, you began to back peddle a bit per the responses you were getting.

If you're happy with the way your relationship is working and like being at home then i wouldn't be concerned if i were you,after all - when you move (i'm assuming) you won't know a lot of people in the new city and your world will almost have to revolve around him, so if anything, it's a good thing that you won't have such a bad adjustment phase.... although i would be just a little bit concerned if the line of submissive/slave vs. codependant isn't rearing it's head. Just stay aware of the behaviors that might be giving you food for thought and why they are, they're tugging at your shirt tail for a reason. Introspection is a great thing. :)

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RE: Feelings of resentment - 8/20/2007 8:04:56 PM

devotedsylph

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xkittenishx

In your first post you say "I really don't have friends anymore because he likes me to stay home...."

And in your follow up you say that it's your choice and you don't like social situations. So it seems, in my opinion, you began to back peddle a bit per the responses you were getting.

If you're happy with the way your relationship is working and like being at home then i wouldn't be concerned if i were you,after all - when you move (i'm assuming) you won't know a lot of people in the new city and your world will almost have to revolve around him, so if anything, it's a good thing that you won't have such a bad adjustment phase.... although i would be just a little bit concerned if the line of submissive/slave vs. codependant isn't rearing it's head. Just stay aware of the behaviors that might be giving you food for thought and why they are, they're tugging at your shirt tail for a reason. Introspection is a great thing. :)

No, I don't like social situations - meaning, I don't like group things. Parties and bars are a nightmare to me. I've always hung out in small settings - with one or maybe two other people, tops. Sorry if it seems like I'm back peddling in my posts, but it's difficult to give enough of a backstory without cranking out a 10-page post. Master likes me to stay home. I like to stay home. I don't have friends that I do things with much for a variety of reasons - most of them are married, with children, or are single and lead a lifestyle that is too different from my own and they all live about an hour's drive away anyway. We just don't get together anymore. If I want to do anything with my them, I have to tack on an additional 2 hours to the activity, plus the gas expense. Two huge deterrents. No, there's no midway point in between the cities. . .it's all farmland.

In other words. . .
1. Master likes me staying home.
2. I like staying home.
3. It's my choice not to request to him that this change so that I can socialize more.
4. It's my choice to request to him that this does not change because I don't want to socialize more.

End result? I don't have a social life.
Does this bother me, as the girl? No.
Does this bother Master? Not right now, no.
Either one might change in the future. They may very well stay the same.

I saw this potentially being a problem, so I'm trying to head it off at the pass. Tonight, for example, Master has gone to a friends house to play Wii and I've been alone. I did my grocery shopping (really quickly too since the store was so empty!) which he helped me out on (I'm not used to this low-carb stuff) and I've been pretty much all alone for a few hours now. Am I unhappy about it? No, not at all. I've missed Master, sure, but I know he'll call later to tuck me in. I'm probably just worrying over nothing. I'm worried that he might feel guilty that I stay home 95% of the time when left to my own devices and almost never initiate a request to leave otherwise. Right now, he's not leaving me behind in the house while he goes out. Right now, leaving me behind consists of ending a phone conversation.

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