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Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/18/2007 10:30:50 PM   
MstrssScarlet


Posts: 633
Joined: 6/3/2005
From: Indianapolis, Indiana
Status: offline 		Every once in a while, I get a post like this one.  For this person's benefit (and others that don't understand BDSM without sex) I'm reposting it.  I'm both a pro domme and a lifestyle domme.  I have one collared sub and two personal subs that do things around the house for me but are not qualified for or do not desire a collar.  Leave the pro domme side out of this please!  Money was not an issue here.
Mistress Scarlet

Quote:  Why would anyone what a relation with out sex. just to get there ass beat. i guess i am a prevert just as you are but a relationship with out sex is stupid. If you are happily married why would you endanger your marriage by having other people in your relationship. i just don't understand

_____________________________

"Say, that hurts a little bit" "And you don't like to be hurt do ya?" "I don't know...kinda fun sometimes if it's done in the right spirit."
Jean Harlow in The Beast of the City
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/18/2007 10:39:37 PM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		I have heard such things from those who are ignorant or new or who just don't know much about M/s and D/s or bdsm.
 
Sex is NOT traditional. SEX is brought into things. I have friends who have fulfilling relaltionships with their partners WITHOUT sex being involved and they are very hardcore and intense.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/18/2007 11:00:42 PM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		Personally it all makes me wet and cum so I consider it sex.  Sex for me is so much more than cock in cunt.  Especially as a lesbian for over 20 years.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/18/2007 11:47:04 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		Amen sunshine.  I define intercourse, intimacy, sex and being lovers all very differently.

I can't imagine why anyone other than a wanker or some self righteous jerk would send such an email.  I suppose to get a rise out of you.  While it worked (here) I venture to guess he doesn't read the forums because he's too busy beating off all the single, sex starved, begging dominants with a stick.


_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to arayofsunshine55)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/18/2007 11:51:26 PM   
BabyNyla


Posts: 578
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline 		I went 28 years without having sex and for 8 of those years I had an amazing BDSM life ... what irritates me is when I meet new people ... dom or sub ... and they don't believe me ... they can't understand that I am in it for the control and mental aspects and not for an easy fuck.  Now that I am married to my hubby we have sex ... but I still love his mindfucks over his physical fucks ~_^

_____________________________

My Journal

(in reply to earthycouple)
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RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/18/2007 11:57:14 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I don't understand why people have to be that rude, but I also think some people are not aware they are being rude (because they are either stupid, or were raised to have no manners, or both).

If I'd been in the mood, and felt like it, and had the time, I might have e-mailed this person back and said:

"I am confused by your e-mail. Are you looking for information about this area of BDSM life-styles, in particular?
Or are you simply enlightening me with your obviously well-informed point of view about all of this?"

If they continued to be rude, and not clear re: What they wanted from me, via this e-mail exchange, I'd either:

1) Toy with them (this could be fun, especially if they've really ticked me off)

2) Delete them and block them OR

3) Refer them to some relevant BDSM reading material -
(in which case, you can kill two birds with one stone - as you've done a service for someone who appears to want some information (maybe) but they are being rude, so at least you no longer have to converse with them at length, if they really do want/need information. Because - even if you can help them by giving them the information yourself, who wants to deal with a jerk?)

OR you could write back and say:

4) "I was confused by your e-mail. Are you seeking information about this area of BDSM life-styles, in particular? If so, then I thought book X______by ____was a very infomative read. You might want to look at this book, particularly pages_______through _______. I think it may help you understand more about this part of BDSM and various life-style choices. However -

If you simply wrote me to inform me that you disapprove of the way I personally  live my life, then I say simply:
So what? I don't care what you think about that. It's just not relevant to me, or to the way I live my life. 
But I do hope you have a nice day."



- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/19/2007 12:26:50 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to BabyNyla)
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RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/19/2007 12:43:05 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		The more I think about what this person said, the more stupid I think it was.

So they're saying: Being in a relationship with sex and getting your ass beat is just more sane or healthier, somehow, than a relationship with no sex but still getting your ass beat?

I mean, the common factor here in either situation is - 
Getting Your Ass Beat (with or without sex) - correct?
Am I missing something? 

This person is into their version of kink, and not into your version of kink, and too stupid to know that, apparently. They have far too little information on which to base any kind of personal judgment of the situation anyway (IMO), and are jumping to rather judgmental conclusions with very little information - as if that would even be their concern in the first place... 

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/19/2007 1:07:58 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/19/2007 12:50:35 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		I still don't get why some people email total strangers to comment on their personal choices.

Here's my theory:  The people emailing about how wrong everyone else is, have zero experience in real.  Their whole experience of BDSM is in their fantasies, so people who don't fit their views are a threat to that fragile little fake world.  People with r/l experience and a secure view of themselves aren't nearly as threatened by other people's choices.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/19/2007 12:58:07 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		becca333: I agree. I think they probably have little BDSM and-or just plain life experience that has brought them into contact with the fact that in this world (BDSM oriented or not) there are all kinds of people doing all kinds of things differently from the way they may do them themselves.

I have to wonder if they have been living in a cave somewhere for their entire lives, or are just intolerant personalities generally. If they are very young, or brand-spanking-new to the BDSM world (pun intended) then I suppose it is more understandable - but it did sound rude (to me).

More mature people aren't this threatened, IMO. Sometimes, though, I think people who do this kind of thing might just want more information about the BDSM world (and are genuinely unfamiliar with many of its variations that exist) - although why they can't just come out and ask in a nicer way is beyond me, really. If they can't be polite, they're probably not going to get much good information in return - they will most likely be met with hostility instead.

And do they really expect someone else to "reform" their life, simply because they sent them a nasty e-mail? Get real.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/19/2007 1:19:10 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to becca333)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/19/2007 1:06:27 AM   
knightschild


Posts: 10
Joined: 4/20/2007
Status: offline 		To A/anyone who is wondering what that poster was.  i'll answer that question on how things are for myself.

To me, these relationships are much more than just sex.  As a sub, for me it's about service, feeling wanted, pleasing Another .. and feeling like the Other is in control. 

Where does sex have to come into that at all???  Not all are into sex, or need someone for sex.  i myself dont care much about the sex or not.
...............


(in reply to becca333)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/19/2007 1:26:37 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I feel much the same way. If I wasn't interested in the control and D/s aspect, I could just go have "Vanilla" sex.

I also can find BDSM activity without sex to be fairly stimulating. If it's not, then what would it be doing in a relationship that includes sex (if 'ya follow me) - why would it even need to be there - at all?

BDSM is all about control (for me) and the satisfying emotions and sensations that feeling controlled (or acting in a controlling manner) can bring (I am a Switch).

I don't consider D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationships to only be just some prelude to hotter "Vanilla" sex (although it can definitely be a prelude to "hotter" sex - for me). I consider D/s a mode of relating to a partner - and that can mean both inside and outside of the bedroom.

This person who wrote this e-mail is maybe not into TPE (total power exchange), or maybe not even D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationships, which is fine - my guess is that they are possibly simply into kinky bedroom sex.

Or possibly just into criticizing aspects of BDSM (and other people's relationships) that they don't understand - because it doesn't sound like they've ever heard of (or maybe just don't approve of) Polyamorous (as opposed to Monogamous) BDSM relationships, or service-only (no sex) BDSM relationships.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/19/2007 2:26:27 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to knightschild)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/19/2007 3:06:21 AM   
UR2Badored


Posts: 506
Joined: 2/3/2007
Status: offline 		To the OP:
I missed the other thread, and sometimes I feel like I am posting an answer and entirely missing the underlying question. This may well be one of those times. I will try to answer the question (as posed by the quote offered  not the OP as I feel the OP gets it) as best I understand it and how it applies to me which is all I can do.  BDSM comes into peoples lives at various stages in life and fullfills various, individual needs. I generallize younger folks (evil word, I know) as having a relaxed view (meaning it is more accepted in today's society) towards BDSM and sex which can be viewed as good to an extent.  However, I was raised Catholic and found wiiwd or at least the terminology for it later in life.  I struggled with what I was doing and what I was desiring throughout my life.  Alot of  it has to do with my Catholic upbringing and schooling. My guilt is deeply immbedded in anything I do regardless of what it may outwardly appear. So much so it is vice in my case and not really a good thing.  I give much thought to things and contemplate things deeply......maybe so much so as not to have spontaneous sex and nevermind unprotected in a non commited relationship.  Whereas,  a scene is pretty much plan to some degree in regards to boundaries being set.  But I digress, I dont generally require alot of aftercare, but sometimes, quite frankly, I am too emotionally and physically exhausted after a long scene session.  And though I may have not verbal or kinetically indicated I was tired; at these times, it wasnt necessarilly as it appeared to be mutual for my partner.  Depends upon the length of sessions, age,  each fitness level and health... I suppose.  I've also not had sex for other reasons such as it was not discussed beforehand (these would be encounters where I was not actively in a relationship).  Although I had sex in and of relationships in the past, at this point in my life (understanding others have their own preferences) I much prefer the vanilla settling down part to my sexual life.  Oh gosh, settling down is not a  just vanilla quality, and I tend to over explain myself and ramble on at times.

" guess i am a pervert just as you are but a relationship with out sex is stupid."

If this is the case, I happilly fall in the stupid category depending on the situation.
I tend to see one and the other as individual needs.  It would be nice to have sex in all consensual adult relationships and I am quite fond of sex. It would be idyllic to have that connection with everyone I encounter but I dont.   My apologies......it is too early in the morning for me to make a lick of sense. 

But I would like to take a moment to applaud the lucky bastards who get to have sex after and during every scene.

< Message edited by UR2Badored -- 8/19/2007 3:35:08 AM >

_____________________________

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way
Mark Twain

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/19/2007 3:33:31 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		UR2Badored: Your last line (in bold) just made me laugh and spill my coffee. Hehe. Some of these little icons people put beside their messages make me really laugh too, sometimes  I thought it was a priceless comment.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/19/2007 3:42:23 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to UR2Badored)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/19/2007 3:37:52 AM   
UR2Badored


Posts: 506
Joined: 2/3/2007
Status: offline 		Pardon the hijack.........drinking coffee, do you ever sleep? :)     Well, it's true......those lucky bastards!

edited because I cannot spell coffee, in general, without consuming a gallon of it.

< Message edited by UR2Badored -- 8/19/2007 3:39:32 AM >

_____________________________

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way
Mark Twain

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/19/2007 3:41:15 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		UR2Badored: I agree it's an apropos comment. Yes, I sleep - just not when everyone else does (plus sometimes I have insomnia. Tonight for instance. I've had it for years. I should go try to get some shut-eye, though, I am getting a little sleepy).

I did think that was a funny line (in a good way).

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/19/2007 3:43:51 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to UR2Badored)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/19/2007 4:11:57 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		To the OP - (sorry, I didn't reply to you, got sidetracked in my little rant about emailers.) 

I can understand that BDSM without sex could be fulfilling.  There's a lot of the Discipline aspect that's somehow purer without sex, the focus can be totally on the actions and mental state.  Sex is fun, but it does become a distraction sometimes!

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/19/2007 9:14:57 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

Pardon the hijack.........drinking coffee, do you ever sleep? :)     Well, it's true......those lucky bastards!

edited because I cannot spell coffee, in general, without consuming a gallon of it.


um what is sex lol they really have that in bdsm

(in reply to UR2Badored)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/19/2007 9:45:10 AM   
realtuffdom


Posts: 108
Joined: 7/16/2007
Status: offline 		I get a lot of bizarre questions from people, and if it seems like an honest question, I'll answer it. If it's a question that seems more like a criticism, I'm starting to just delete those and block the person. I really should have been doing that since the beginning, but it took me awhile to realize that even if a profile with dark red letters is contacting me to complain, then really, why bother?

_____________________________

Always, Ram Ford Tough....

I have lots and lots of experience at domination. Now I'd just like to try it with a partner....

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/19/2007 9:54:06 AM   
MastersMaiden


Posts: 51
Joined: 7/17/2007
Status: offline 		OP: i'm sorry that you got an email like that....sometimes i think that some people have nothing better to do than go through other peoples profiles *or posts in this case* and write stupid responses designed to aggravate.

Im actually glad in a way that this person did, however, only because it sparked this thread, and i was one of those people who didnt quite understand what the attraction was mentally to a bdsm relationship w/o sex (for example, service only slaves).

Now, however, i have a much clearer understanding.

Thanks guys for elaborating, even though the original quote that sparked it was rude. :)

-MM

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/19/2007 8:12:18 PM   
awmslave


Posts: 599
Joined: 3/31/2006
Status: offline 		As I understand it there are several sides in BDSM. Sexual feelings and erotica are involved in sadomasochistic or bondage games but sexual intercourse is not always practiced. What is here difficult to understand (question to original post)? After all, you may also ask why people go to pro domme where sex is rarely part of the deal (not sure how you do it?).

(in reply to MastersMaiden)
Profile   Post #: 20
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