Isolde
Posts: 213
Joined: 4/18/2005 From: Hamilton, Ontario Status: offline
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EmeraldSlave's response is one you should read at least 3 or 4 times. Take it to heart, she's giving good advice there. I'm in much the same situation. While my husband speaks with a lot of enthusiasm for our explorations into this lifestyle, when it comes to making the effort to learn and to try new things, he also tends to sit back and let me take the lead there. With him, it's a combination of uncertainty, lack of familiarity, and that he is definately more a now-and-then top than a dominant. It may well be that your husband isn't deeply dominant; he might have dominant tendencies, he might be curious, he might not mesh at all with what you think you want right now. What you both have to do right now is find that happy medium where you're satisfied and he's satisfied. And, often, that isn't going to be what you thought you'd be happy with originally. It's difficult to break down and rebuild a dynamic that's been in place for years. The best advice I've been given was that I should remind myself that a life we've lived for seven years isn't going to be changed in seven days, or seven weeks, or seven months... old habits are the hardest to break, right? That said, it bears repeating: it's going to take effort from both of you. Find out why he's saying one thing and doing another. You say you're good at communicating together but it sounds as if there's something he isn't telling you. Could it be he doesn't want to disappoint you? That he's worried about what might happen if he doesn't live up to your expectations? Is he balking under real or imagined pressure? My husband put everything on hold after I gave him a bunch of literature to read and then backed off completely. His reason was that he saw that as my being passive aggressive, that I was putting him to the test by not being right there with him as he went through everything. I thought I was giving him space to find his own comfort level, he thought I was watching and judging him from afar. But, when we talked about trying these things during that period, he still said he was enthusiastic. The contradiction drove me temporarily insane and it took a lot of time, a lot of honesty, to work that out between us. So...patience, honesty, re-evaluate your behaviour and reactions, find out what he needs from you right now and be that person if you can. It won't happen overnight but don't give up hoping because things are going slowly. You have to build a new foundation and that can take awhile.
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