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Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 1:51:49 PM   
TrainHerTender


Posts: 11
Joined: 9/20/2006
Status: offline 		I'm someone who has always been uncomfortable with the leather and chains stereotype of this scene.  That same stereotype is also the reason that few of my friends or family would ever believe I'm interested in this as a sane, sensitive and successful person.  But what I've learned is that the power and beauty of this scene is to be found in what happens at a heart level.  That is where all of this goes very deep -- far deeper than anything involving the provebial ropes and chains.  But while this scene is replete with guidance on how to re-enact the Spanish Inquisition, there does not seem to be a lot out there on what I'm learning is the real point -- the emotional dimension.  I've grown in my understanding of this -- but I would like to keep growing so that I can learn to practice all of this in a way that will build up, rather than tear down, others.  I would like to learn more about how emotional bondage (the best term I can find) can be used as an influence for good.  I get real satisfaction from being able to play this role in the life of others, and I would like to get better.  I would be especially interested in talking with women who understand this dimension of the scene.
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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 2:01:47 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		Emotional is where it is at for me.  I would quite frankly be embarassed to be associated with the leather-type or those that act Dominant (in bdsm sense) in public. It should be almost secretive in nature and known only to the one I am with.  Not much of an exhibitionist. I am highly aroused by the slight of hand, non verbal, or simple-verbal undertones. I get ya, I really do.

edited to view your profile to add, I am not sure how you can do this sort of thing online or on the phone to someone though.

< Message edited by came4U -- 8/19/2007 2:03:17 PM >

(in reply to TrainHerTender)
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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 2:14:56 PM   
MistressDoMe


Posts: 295
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		There are a fair number of us on here that are concerned with the emotional
dimensions of BDSM.
Everyone is not wearing leather and chains and running around in costumes.
Many of us want to live this life style and do so discretely.

< Message edited by MistressDoMe -- 8/19/2007 2:15:28 PM >

(in reply to TrainHerTender)
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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 2:31:40 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I am so there with the "heart aspect", a boy I was chatting with this morning said " Mistress you use the dynamic to the benefit of everyone in Your circle---"--and that is so true---it is the day to day manifestation, the binding of the hearts and souls are most important to Me.
 
Well said all---

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 2:37:29 PM   
subinside


Posts: 233
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Toronto, ON
Status: offline 		For me personally, there is no D/s without the emotional connection. Submission is very intimate for me and not something to be given away on a whim.

Again, that's my opinion for myself although i understand and accept that others may and probably do see things differently.

_____________________________

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You want me to call You what?... i'll take it under advisement.

000-150-313

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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 2:41:58 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline 		Just a thought, but I sense that what you are describing is also known as mental bondage.  I am extremely fascinated with mental forms of domination myself.  To me, the "whips and chains" are just window dressing...ultimately it's all in the mind.


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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 2:45:00 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		~FR~

You don't have to choose. You can have it all if that's what you want. Many of us do. My collar is wrapped first and foremost around my heart, not my neck but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the smell of leather and appreciate the clinking of chains.

Celeste

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"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 2:55:40 PM   
charlotte12


Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		For me it is not about the whips and chains but i wouldn't entirely discount them.

The way i always see it is that i could submit without chains and whips but i couldn't be whipped without the emotional submission. However, if i can have the mental bondage it never hurts to be physically tied up as well.

I think that for a lot of us humans the physical can be the reminder of the mental. We are not always encouraged these days to simply step back and "be" with another person, people always seem to need to be "doing" something. Generally i feel the most submissive in the most simple of moments, simply sitting at his feet or having a hand resting on me as i remember that that hand can do whatever it wants at any time, or choose to do nothing. I would not however want to entirely give up the ropes and whips as they add another dimension to it.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that once i am able to get down to the core of what D/s means to me then i can enjoy many of the other kinks that i thought never excited me. But it wasn't until i started finding the "mental bondage" that i could add these other things in. My mind jumps to a silly analogy of learning to dance. You can learn all the steps and do a million different steps over and over but if you can't feel and move with the music then it's never going to be beautiful.




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"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 3:05:13 PM   
umisprite


Posts: 132
Joined: 6/16/2007
Status: offline 		For me as well it's the emotional connection to a partner that frees me to submit. Without that it's just role playing and that doesn't work for me. Some love role playing, others submit for the pure physical kick of it and if it works for them that's cool. I do enjoy the physical aspects of kink but only with someone who wraps himself around my heart first. I find leather soo hot especially when wielded by the man who has taken the effort to see inside of me and has allowed me to see inside of him.

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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 3:05:15 PM   
SuspendedInGaffa


Posts: 188
Joined: 8/17/2007
From: Wales, UK
Status: offline 		Some great comments here. I too am much more attracted to the devotional, romantic side of dom/sub than gimp masks, nipple clamps or other parerphernalia. That's not to say that I'm ever judgemental about folk that like 'em, of course. "Judge not, lest ye be judged", as a nice Jewish boy once said. 

(in reply to charlotte12)
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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 3:26:30 PM   
Aileen68


Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline 		An emotional connection doesn't have to be romantic and sweet.  I need an emotional connection, but I prefer it to be rough and raw.  Sweet nothings do just that for me...nothing.  I'd rather hear a growl in my ear.

edited to add a lonely "s"

< Message edited by Aileen68 -- 8/19/2007 3:31:59 PM >

(in reply to TrainHerTender)
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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 3:39:32 PM   
leatherette


Posts: 255
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

edited to add a lonely "s"


ROTFL

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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 3:40:10 PM   
pagankinktress


Posts: 80
Joined: 8/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

 The way i always see it is that i could submit without chains and whips but i couldn't be whipped without the emotional submission.


This is quite key, I find.   While I understand that some submissive men and women do find a thrill in the kinds of exchanges that are portrayed in a detached, unemotional way, it seems the alternative would be more satisfying.  I approach domination from a caring, "I-know-what's-good-for-you" standpoint, if that makes sense.  Not saying it is the best way to do it, but its the way that works best for me.

Emotional bondage (and mental/psychological) completely fascinates me and always seemsfinds its way into my encounters.  I thrive on these tenets, and wouldn't want it any other way.  You almost need to free your mind before you can totally free your body/physical self. 

quote:

For me as well it's the emotional connection to a partner that frees me to submit. Without that it's just role playing and that doesn't work for me.

 
Well said.  Role playing is a lot of fun...but again, if there isn't so much of an emotional bond or connection, it comes across rather staged and meaningless, in my opinion anyway.

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My Blog: http://www.bohemianrhapsodize.com/
http://twitter.com/pagankinktress

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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 4:07:15 PM   
leadinghand


Posts: 23
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline 		Yes it is the emotional dimension of D/s that attracts me. It can be done without the whips, chains, leather and nipple claps (but why would you) and often is. Those are just tools for the deeper expressions of submission, dominance and love between the two dimensions of D/s. BDSM needs them, but to me they are a bonus to play with from time to time. It is all about the loyalty, trust, devotion and commitment that is made between people in a relationship that makes it worthy of being a community with interesting people gathering on web sites like these in serious conversations.  

_____________________________

LeadingHand

When insired by a great and extraordinary purpose, thoughts break their bounds. You transcend limitations, consciousness expands and you find yourself in a new, and wonderful world

The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali

(in reply to pagankinktress)
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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 5:07:54 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Doug and I are probably 90-95% mental.  He essentially controls my daily life.  The only arena he stays out of is my work.  Beyond that nothing is off limits.
We do however like the whole leather and chains stereotype as well.  Play is fun...simple as that.
Just, with two working people it doesn't always fit well within a daily routine. 

Just don't abuse those you are with.  Try to build them up and not put them down.
Earn their respect and keep it.  Pretty simple really.

(in reply to TrainHerTender)
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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 5:25:07 PM   
Damocles809


Posts: 532
Joined: 7/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TrainHerTender
But what I've learned is that the power and beauty of this scene is to be found in what happens at a heart level. 

Absolutely.  Sometimes a sub only gives me a boner. 

But when I find the sub who's my one true soulmate, I'll get a really really hard boner. 

(in reply to TrainHerTender)
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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 5:32:41 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		This expresses my point of view exacatly!  Thanks for finding the words for me!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to Aileen68)
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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 5:45:25 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		The emotional aspect is the same regardless of whether you are in the most mundane of vanilla relationships or the most extreme leather and chains one.  People who listen and understand each other creating a relationship that is mutually nurishing and unique to them.

The troubles you have in vanilla relationships will follow you into D/s ones...

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 8/19/2007 5:47:09 PM >

(in reply to catize)
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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 6:10:32 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		Wonderful topic and I love seeing it started by a Male Dominant.

There are a few of us on here that ONLY seek an emotional connection/along with
BDSM activity.

For US, without the emotional connection we can not have any sort of lasting or meaningful
relationship.
Believe me there are many of us out here.
In fact I started a thread on this last year.

Mental Domination Vs. Physical Domination

I will not accept anything less than both.

The physical domination/play does NOTHING for me, without the mental control/domination.

Believe me, you are hardly alone with what you desire.
Good luck, I hope you find what you are looking for.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 8/19/2007 6:50:17 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to TrainHerTender)
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RE: Emotional Dimension of BDSM - 8/19/2007 6:59:36 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		I’m not sure if you were replying to me directly or if you used fast reply.
I agree that a relationship works best when the two (or more) work together for what makes it good for them.
Personally I have found a way to make my D/s relationships more satisfying than any vanilla ones.   I don’t need to get bored with monogamy because I choose to be in 3 different relationships that are open and honest. For whatever reasons, that was impossible in my nilla days.  The dominants in my life have weathered the test of time.  I know them well and they know me. We are friends and have an emotional connection, but as Aileen pointed out so well, this connection isn’t hearts and flowers.  I will spend hours getting ready, finding the perfect outfit.  My favorite dom will spend all of thirty seconds looking me over, growls ‘nice, now take it off’ …….he understands me well.  I never got that thrill of humiliation/lust /feeling used by any vanilla man.
Another was once my master but the M/s dynamic didn’t work well for us.  We like each other and didn’t want it to end badly, so now we are D/s.  In my vanilla days I would have walked away in anger, but WIITWD has taught me to adapt in order to keep folks in my life.
Or maybe maturity has allowed me to stop going about things in a way that was  disastrous.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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