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Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 1:26:30 PM   
fifi


Posts: 25
Joined: 1/5/2004
Status: offline 		So you meet a dom, life is good, your enjoying this fresh, exciting time, and wham, the let down submissive. Why does it have to hurt this much? Why am I being let down? what is wrong with me? Do I deserve this? I give everything I possibly can and do all that I can to please my dom. and then nothing, no reward, no response, no praise nothing to make me feel cared for in anyway, nothing to make me feel secure or make me feel that all that I do is appreciated. Nothing to give me faith and trust in a dom? Each and every time I'm set for a fall, and I keep on falling for it. Never have I felt so used, so stupid and so abused (and not in the good sense!) 

Is it not common manners to tell someone if you can't make a promise happen, regardless of dom/sub lifestyle. I know I always have, at least with an explaination it can help stop the overloaded thoughts, or is this part of the game. Dom doesn't want me? Dom got what he wants/needs who cares about the sub? Dom has meet someone else? Dom has never been interested since first meeting? Dom likes to see suffering and pain? Dom likes to be chased, needed, craved and wanted? Dom gets kicks out of sad pathetic sub who can't take no for an answer? Dom finds it funny to see sub suffering and hurting?

I cannot bare to be ignored, its rude and manners don't stop just because your a dom. If a sub was as rude as this to their dom, they would be punished. Well I'm fed up with constant punishments, I accept the ones I deserve but I need to hear some praise, some affection, some love, some caring words, anything to know what I'm doing is right or wrong? to encourage me to improve? to make me a better sub? to enjoy the rewards I deserve? No sub can function on punishments alone, regardless if they are deserved or not.

Now I feel so badly used, so badly let down. Deep down I thought it can't happen again, but a little part of me knew it would. Sometimes I feel like walking away because I cannot take this crap anymore.

Please any advice..

Fi
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 1:35:16 PM   
Stunning


Posts: 76
Joined: 7/16/2004
Status: offline 		If this happens a lot, you need to see what you're doing to let it happen. Most likely you are getting too involved too quickly. It happens a lot here. Too many subs don't make the Dom earn his place. Be a little bit of a prude and the worthless Doms will weed themselves out.

You can never value your integrity too highly. Don't forget your self worth. And don't be so easy.

(in reply to fifi)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 1:37:11 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Next time listen to that little part of you that knew it would.  Take a longer time to get to know the person and realize if you will be fulfilled with eachother before making a commitment.

Give it time and perspective, grow.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to fifi)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 1:47:56 PM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Well, there you have it in a nutshell. The rationale behind my insistence on a no-punishment dynamic. When punishment enters the picture - at least in my head, so does reciprocity. If I get punished for this, then I deserve that for doing something right. The bottom line - for me - is that I don't deserve good or bad treatment. I'm in this because it's what I want to do. I'm not on some altruistic venture that says for every six right things, I deserve a "good girl." I'm here because I'm damn selfish and want to serve. It's HIS decision whether he thinks I've done a commendable job or not. But it's also my choice as to how long I stick around. My criteria for a good relationship is that as long as it's emotionally healthy for me, then I'm here. If it becomes emotionally unhealthy, color me gone. My measure for emotionally healthy vs emotionally unhealthy is how good I feel about the relationship. If I have more times that I'm feeling wonderful, then I'm here. If more often than not, I'm miserable, then I'm gone.

I may be his slave but I always reserve the right to keep myself healthy.

And my Master does not offer praise lightly either, so I understand the issue of striving for and wondering. But in the end, if you don't KNOW how he feels - said or unsaid - by how he acts, then you have to make decisions for yourself. My Master is not demonstrative, no real hugs, kisses, soft words spoken, affection shown - and still, I KNOW. I don't just believe, I KNOW.  And that makes all the difference.

You might want to talk to him - not complaining about what you're not getting, but asking him his philosophy regarding demonstrations of affection. Ask in clear, non-attacking language so that you'll better understand where he's coming from. Until you do, you won't know what he's thinking. And the reality is that what he's thinking may be VERY different from how you're perceiving his actions. The reality may also be that he perceives your actions to be only existing in order to get the praise, not that you're serving in order to serve. The two of you need to sort this out and it seems that if you still do want to be with him, a frank but respectful conversation is in order. (one withOUT tears if at all possible!!) You may not like the answer you receive, but at least you'll be operating from a position of understanding rather than constantly questioning why.

juliet

(in reply to fifi)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 2:14:00 PM   
fifi


Posts: 25
Joined: 1/5/2004
Status: offline 		Hi and thanks for your replies.

Please don't think for one minute I want to be told that I'm sexy or anything else that is a show of affection, its not what I crave, my craving is to please Sir, and when I've done this and Sir is happy then I am happy. What I'm struggling with is Sirs promise of doing something and not doing it, I can cope with being excited by this all day, I can cope with waiting, I cannot cope with being ignored each time the promise is not met, and the promise doesn't happen. When this happens I feel my barriers go up and I start to question Sirs logic behind it, is he not real? etc. I feel I have proved myself, but I don't feel I have his proof. I know the relationship is not about this also, before everyone accuses me of this, what I'm trying to understand is when a sub is promised something by Sir and it doesn't happen, and there is no explaination, and sub is left feeling insecure then what is a sub supposed to do?

I don't know, just confused.

(in reply to julietsierra)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 2:52:30 PM   
kiyari


Posts: 631
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Next time listen to that little part of you that knew it would. 


Damn. Wisdom for the Ages, is this common-sensical bit.

The dilemma is:
One must trust one's sense (or 'intuition') in this,
and have the fortitude to relinquish the 'apparent' potential.

Or... if you happen to be flush, do some 'fact-checking' *winks*

_____________________________

Black Water Dragon

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 2:58:48 PM   
kiyari


Posts: 631
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

The bottom line - for me - is that I don't deserve good or bad treatment.
I'm in this because it's what I want to do.

I'm not on some altruistic venture that says for every six right things, I deserve a "good girl."
I'm here because I'm damn selfish and want to serve.

It's HIS decision whether he thinks I've done a commendable job or not.
But it's also my choice as to how long I stick around.

My criteria for a good relationship is that as long as it's emotionally healthy for me, then I'm here.
If it becomes emotionally unhealthy, color me gone.

My measure for emotionally healthy vs emotionally unhealthy is how good I feel about the relationship. If I have more times that I'm feeling wonderful, then I'm here.
If more often than not, I'm miserable, then I'm gone.

<snipped>

juliet


Seems so simple, and so reasonable.

Elegantly stated, Lady.

_____________________________

Black Water Dragon

(in reply to julietsierra)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 4:24:33 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fifi

...what I'm trying to understand is when a sub is promised something by Sir and it doesn't happen, and there is no explaination, and sub is left feeling insecure then what is a sub supposed to do?


Forgive me if this sounds too simple, but it is simple...

To have a trustworthy and reliable dominant, one must first find a trustworthy and reliable dominant.  You need to ask yourself if that is what you have now.  If not, and if that's what you want, then you know what to do.

(in reply to fifi)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 4:28:52 PM   
umisprite


Posts: 132
Joined: 6/16/2007
Status: offline 		A very wise Dominant partner once said to me that he rarely makes promises because he would never want to let me down by having to break one.

_____________________________

My mistakes are neither pretty nor little.

(in reply to fifi)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 4:51:30 PM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline 		Sometimes it's difficult to distinguish a dom from a brute or a a man being playfully controlling and boorish.

I sympathize with your situation. Alby often gives good advice (except when she doesn't (heh heh)). Some may criticize you, but you're young, you're learning. Perhaps he is too, but clearly he has a longer way to go.

(in reply to fifi)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 5:26:09 PM   
mstrj69


Posts: 295
Joined: 5/27/2004
Status: offline 		  Is there any external reason why he is not keeping his promises ?  An example would be a job that keeps him at work and exhausted when he does make it back to you and thus he can not follow through on what he promised.  If that is the case, maybe he figured you would understand why he could not keep his promise,

  I agree, his best way around it is to not make promises as then he would not have to keep them or be set up to fail in your eyes.  Admittedly he might take the approach, so long as he is happy, you should be happy no matter what.  Talk to him about it.

(in reply to Petruchio)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 9:32:42 PM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		To the OP:

I have been in your shoes before and would be burned by doms who would ignore me after playing with them.  So with that experience in mind, I don't quickly submit to the dom and that he will get to know who I am as a person.  I like to think there are more facets to an individual than just play.

LA, you could not have said it any better in giving advice to listening to those gut instincts.

I wish you well.

< Message edited by corsetgirl -- 8/22/2007 9:35:20 PM >

(in reply to mstrj69)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 9:48:50 PM   
hisdevotedtoy


Posts: 17
Joined: 8/17/2007
Status: offline 		Is this someone you just met? Don't know very well?

Why do feel the need to "prove" yourself.  Just be, whomever, you are.  When I met my Master, I was just me, not some "super-slave" and He was just Him, not some "super-Master"

If you are willing to jump through hoops for someone that doesnt know you well, like some sort of circus performer, then you have to expect one will not take you very seriously.  And subsequently let you down.  

Relax, meet people, get to know who they really are and don't let someone 'take control' of you before you know who and what this person is about.  It is a slight learning curve.  Don't settle, if this man is not what you want, find someone who is.  It hurts, of course, but it has armed you with more information that is now, hopefully, leading you in the right direction for the person that will give you what you want, and in return you will give them what they want.  Submission does not mean you are not entitled to decide who you will submit to.  You just have to break a pattern, go out of the comfort zone, which seems unhealthy emotionally for you, and take a risk on you finding someone that will make you happy.

Don't give up!

His toy

(in reply to fifi)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 9:56:18 PM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline








 
 07/19/07 08/22/07


















Journal Entries:





8/10/2007 8:23:12 AM


I've meet a truly wonderful, exceptional, goregous, patient, understanding, sexy, adorable, charming, seductive, sensual, dom named Chilli. We meet through this site, and have chatted every day since, I hate it when we are apart, and crave Sir more when we are together, every moment, every second I'm thinking only of Sir.

I do all that I can to please him, and will continue to put Sir's pleasure above my own. All I want to achieve is to make Sir happy, ecstatic, playful, contented, entertained, indulged and thrilled.

Although I am a newbie submissive, I'm so delighted and glad to have meet Sir, he is the one true person who understands his sub the most, and will continue to teach me all that I need to do to give Sir the pleasure he so rightly deserves. I am totally at Sirs will and mercy and accept all that Sir offers to his sub.

I understand fully today that Sir owns his sub, and what that means I have to do. I shall never look at pegs in the same way Sir!

I hope that your as happy as your sub that we have meet and shared so much already. I will strive to make our journey better every day.

You joined 7/19.  Post on 8/10 you had found your "perfect" one.
 
And now........
 
Scratches my head....  maybe cause you rushed and didnt use your head but liked the wet spot he created in you, you went mushy and thought infatuation was real.
 
Promises are handed out as friviously as infatuation is felt.... one should never make promises (says Sir)unless they intend to break them or fulfill them.

< Message edited by shyinini -- 8/22/2007 10:00:20 PM >

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to fifi)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 10:20:44 PM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline 		Is it possible you are setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment by having expectations from the Dom that exceed what the Dom is willing or wanting in a relationship, either with you or with anyone?  How much open and honest discussion about your wants/needs/expectations did you have with the Dom prior to getting involved with him?  Failed relationships are rarely one-sided.  It takes two to make a relationship succeed.  Take any honest look at what you allowed to happen, instead of just looking at what happened to you.
 
If getting praise and attention and affection and love are so important to you, you need to make that very clear when you are getting to know a Dom and find out if that is something that he can give you or wants to give you.  You can't just assume that those are a given in any relationship, much less a D/s one.
 
Also, remember that even a failed relationship can offer something positive to you, if you can look honestly at it and learn from it.
 
slave joy
Owned property of Master David
 
"Commitment transforms a promise into a reality."

(in reply to fifi)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 10:39:35 PM   
YourShyPet


Posts: 185
Joined: 6/30/2006
Status: offline 		Ok I will admit I only skimmed thru the previous post... but I'm going to throw my two cents in on the OP's question with a simple short answer.... selfishness... and no I am not talking about the OP.

_____________________________

kittin

http://www.myspace.com/daddys_kittin

(in reply to slavegirljoy)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/22/2007 11:28:48 PM   
romantic5


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/17/2004
Status: offline 		i understand perfectly what you are saying, i know some people will not approve what i am going to say, but i think some Ds relationships are just abusive the reason is often because to Dom doesn't know how to Domme... i suggest you take a moment alone and think how happy or sad you have been for the last couple of months and then you can re-evaluate your relationship, i know what i am talking about... the hardest part would be to make a decision even though you know something is not right you cant make up your mind, just try harder because this can hurt you deeply emotionally, do something about it... leave before it's too late...

(in reply to YourShyPet)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/23/2007 12:12:12 AM   
MstrSkyWoIf


Posts: 238
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fifi

Hi and thanks for your replies.

Please don't think for one minute I want to be told that I'm sexy or anything else that is a show of affection, its not what I crave, my craving is to please Sir, and when I've done this and Sir is happy then I am happy. What I'm struggling with is Sirs promise of doing something and not doing it, I can cope with being excited by this all day, I can cope with waiting, I cannot cope with being ignored each time the promise is not met, and the promise doesn't happen. When this happens I feel my barriers go up and I start to question Sirs logic behind it, is he not real? etc. I feel I have proved myself, but I don't feel I have his proof. I know the relationship is not about this also, before everyone accuses me of this, what I'm trying to understand is when a sub is promised something by Sir and it doesn't happen, and there is no explaination, and sub is left feeling insecure then what is a sub supposed to do?

I don't know, just confused.


Ok my first question is have you Met in real life? Or is this an on line relationship? you are not clear on this in any of your posts.

Sir Ray

< Message edited by MstrSkyWoIf -- 8/23/2007 12:14:29 AM >

(in reply to fifi)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/23/2007 7:03:35 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		Have you asked him?  It's possible he threw out a comment and then forgot about it, and you interpreted it as a definite promise.

Talk to him.

(in reply to MstrSkyWoIf)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Broken hearted... - 8/24/2007 8:01:42 PM   
SirDraco7


Posts: 108
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline 		My thoughts...
As others said take things slow.  See what happens that way.  You are moving much much too quickly.  How well do you know him?  How well do you trust him?
Would you give him your purse full of money cards and id and know and trust nothing will vanish?  Give him a signed blank check and not have it cashed?   Are you sure?

I'm assuming that your current...  endevor is not going well.  In the future keep d/s out of it and keep sex out of it at first.
Friends first.  You keep getting hurt because you keep meeting the wrong guys.  And the wrong guys only care about one thing.  If you don't give or offer it they will not stick around long.


Just my thoughts...

(in reply to fifi)
Profile   Post #: 20
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