RE: Broken hearted...

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Broken hearted...

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Broken hearted...

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Broken hearted... - 8/24/2007 8:30:20 PM

oriole

Posts: 11
Joined: 10/28/2004
Status: offline

I'm sorry that you're going through such problems. However, I do notice a few things.

First, you keep saying that this happens - that you're now actively looking for a let-down. There is something in you that expected this. Did you have a feeling that this Dominant would not meet your expectations? Is there something in your expectations that you feel no one can meet? Are you, for whatever reason, seeking this kind of behavior?

The follow-up comes from this, because there's no real way to tell otherwise. Personally, I'm fairly talented, I think, at being a Dominant, but I make a lousy mind-reader. You're going to have to get a time when you can speak to him - person-to-person, not submissive-to-Dominant - and discuss these feelings openly. If the Dominant is a worthwhile man, he will understand your need to do so and allow you to.

And what promises aren't being fulfilled? Did he promise to tie you up when he got home, but didn't? Perhaps he was too tired to do so. We do make mistakes, sometimes. Did he promise not to cheat on you, but did? That's more serious, and it involves a direct blow to the trust of your relationship. Take some time and assess what's going on, see where you and he have to change, and deal with it honestly.

(in reply to fifi)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: Broken hearted... - 8/29/2007 8:35:34 AM

fifi

Posts: 25
Joined: 1/5/2004
Status: offline

Hi everyone,

Well I feel its only right to thank you all for replying, and making me feel so welcome. The community here is excellent. I also feel it is right I should update you all.
Firstly I believe I over reacted, (i'm one of these types who cannot bare silences from their dom's-it drives me mad, in fact worse than that it makes me go insane) Sir wasn't talking to me for a few hours and I turned into some crazy slave who demand attention and start to think other things where going on, with another sub etc. (I know I must curb my emotions)

So what happened was nothing that I thought had happened, and in fact slave just added more stress to Sir's day, instead of making Sirs day go smoothly. So what was it all over, Sir was working late, and didn't have time to let me know, he worked all through the night and was awoken to my constant demands early the following day. Sir had had no sleep and was knackered, un top of which he had to deal with his bratty slave.

Thank you all for replying, I guess as a newbie slave she must learn more from Sir and all the people in this kinky lifestyle. I have no doubt I will be here posting again at some point.

Love slave fi xx

< Message edited by fifi -- 8/29/2007 8:36:24 AM >

(in reply to oriole)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: Broken hearted... - 8/29/2007 3:24:22 PM

wannabesub67

Posts: 13
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

I have at times felt the same with my new Master. Of course in my head I usually know why he may be backing off a bit, although he has not broken a promise I know of, but the backing off from attention has definitely been there! I do not always do what he says I need to do most and it causes us both much aggravation and emotional trauma for me. But, I will say, and yes I still have much work to do in this area, FOCUS. Focus on what is good and on his expectations, focus on his attention and affection that you have gotten, and most of all, focus on being the best slave you can be to him. Above all that, focus on your own life and do not stop living it just because you did not get a call or response you wanted.

Now I will go focus on my own situation and issues! Good luck!

(in reply to fifi)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: Broken hearted... - 8/29/2007 4:04:56 PM

RaynaSub

Posts: 185
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline

There are no short cuts for putting in time and getting to know someone well,
before getting involved.
I am sorry and good luck.

(in reply to fifi)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: Broken hearted... - 8/29/2007 4:36:16 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Why would you give everything to someone you barely know?

If you talked to someone on the line at Starbuck's, you wouldn't then assume he was safe to lend significant amounts of money to. Nothing different here.

Go slower, don't invest, don't have unrealistic expectations. Meet someone for coffee and hope you have a good hour of conversation, nothing more. Meet for play after negotiating what you both are looking for and expect only a good hour of a different kind.

You're overinvesting, imagining that anyone you go to coffee with will turn out to be your one and only. You are setting yourself up for failure, they aren't doing it to you.

(in reply to SirDraco7)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: Broken hearted... - 8/29/2007 4:41:08 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Oh, all this bodice ripping and "why, why, why?". A D/s relationship is just like any vanilla relationship, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Everyone goes through heartbreak at some time. Do what the rest of us do, build a bridge.

(in reply to SirDraco7)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: Broken hearted... - 8/29/2007 7:36:43 PM

chickpea

Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline

communication is good. just communicate what you feel and see if he'll explain why he did what he did (perhaps there's a good explaination or reason behind it) if he talks at all. if it continues where your needs aren't getting met and you can't trust him, I would leave. Unless you're the massochist type and welcome pain from a sadist, I think the biggest myth a lot of novice doms use to justify making their subs miserable all the time with no reason is it's BDSM... although it's different, it's not an excuse for an unhealthy relationship. Good luck

(in reply to fifi)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: Broken hearted... - 8/29/2007 7:45:19 PM

jaymckenas

Posts: 146
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline

Any relationship, D/s, Vanilla, or otherwise, always runs the risk of heart break. It's a sad reality, but a reality nonetheless.

best wishes,

Jay

(in reply to chickpea)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: Broken hearted... - 8/29/2007 7:56:08 PM

chickpea

Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline

I don't think it is necessarily the same.. if you do BDSM, you do more things than normal and have to trust him a lot more. and if the sub is a newbie, then she's usually more willing to try new things that she wouldn't otherwise in a vanilla relationship,
- so its more likely to not to work out if the groundwork/preparation wasnt there and healthy (communication, boundaries, and problem solving skills).
- since you do a lot more as typical in BDSM the bonds are much deeper, it hurts a lot more when it doesn't work out.

I guess what I'm saying is that you have to be a lot more careful in BDSM relationship, tho it can be much more rewarding. That's my two cents. Peace out

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: Broken hearted... - 8/29/2007 8:18:39 PM

HopeLost

Posts: 80
Joined: 2/7/2007
Status: offline

i know how this feels. Dom sets you up with all these wonderful thoughts and ideas and promises. you start to think "this might be as close to perfect as i come." then things never happen the way he said they would. but it could be so perfect you have to give him another chance.
my advice, dont give him another chance. it may hurt but let go or the rest of your life could be spent on giving him chances.

(in reply to chickpea)

Profile

Post #: 30