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Dom personality trait questions I'd like to feild... - 7/8/2005 7:29:02 PM   
SeraphSjhet


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline 		Though I'm not sure whether they fit in this section or not. In any case, I will start.

I am a dom, of this I am sure. But I have a problem, and am not sure whether or not it is natural for a dom to have such a problem. I know insecurities are one thing, but this probably takes it to a whole new level -- I have no self-esteem. I mean none, at all. Now, despite this, I cope, and handle other people just fine, I think... Other people have agreed with me, and seem suprised that I do cope as well as I do. But my question here is, is it normal for a dom to have such a problem?


My second question has to do with something the people I associate with noticed about me. I have a very commanding presence. My questions on this are, is that definitely a good thing to have, does it carry over through the net, and is it scaring the people I want to talk to away?


My third, and final question might just be easier to answer than the other two. Then again, it might be harder... I'm not sure. The question is this. Should a dom be assertive, (but of course, not overly so) or should the sub come to them, first?

I should apologise, in case I have placed this post in the wrong section, and thank you, all who take the time to read it.

< Message edited by SeraphSjhet -- 7/8/2005 7:53:57 PM >
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RE: I have a few questions I'd like to feild... - 7/8/2005 7:40:30 PM   
zaynab


Posts: 377
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		don't know why you would have a low self esteem, if that's your real pic, which i assume it is, your attractive and i love the long hair.

try writing down all of your great qualities, skills, accomplishements, etc. on a piece of paper and reading them once a day for awhile, that may help boost your self esteem.

i think that the decision about who is more assertive of telling or asking about things, is mostly up to the dom.... if you want the sub to ask, tell the sub to ask.... lol
respectfully, ~ zaynab

(in reply to SeraphSjhet)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/8/2005 7:41:40 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		First of all, welcome to the boards.

Second of all, my opinion is that your post is in the right section. You are asking about Dominant personality traits. It is a general BDSM issue.

You might however in the future want to title such a post as "Dominant Personality Traits" as everyone is here to ask questions :)

Now onto your questions...

quote:

ORIGINAL: SeraphSjhet
I know insecurities are one thing, but this probably takes it to a whole new level -- I have no self-esteem. I mean none, at all. Now, despite this, I cope, and handle other people just fine, I think... Other people have agreed with me, and seem suprised that I do cope as well as I do. But my question here is, is it normal for a dom to have such a problem?


Some people have low self-esteem. It's a human thing, not a Dom/sub thing. I think that it's possible. Now normal is a whole other issue. Do I think it is normal for someone to have no self-esteem at all... well let me avoid the word normal and say that in my opinion (and I'm not a therapist) I can't see how that could be healthy. You might want to find a way to look into the issues of why you have no self-esteem, and not only for instances in which you'd want to act on your dominance.

Now self-esteem is a big, at times touchy, subject for dominants. I am of the belief that certain Dom/mes dominate out of low self-esteem, that is that they need to put someone down to elevate themselves. I personally find that to be unhealthy and wouldn't want to be in that dynamic. That said, if someone is happy that way, who am I to judge them.

quote:

I have a very commanding presence. My questions on this are, is that definitely a good thing to have, does it carry over through the net, and is it scaring the people I want to talk to away?


Here is where you lose me. How do you have a commanding presence if you have absolutely no self-esteem. Please help me understand how this is possible.

quote:

Should a dom be assertive, (but of course, not overly so) or should the sub come to them, first?


This is a question of personal style. I have dominant friends who will never make the first move. I have dominant friends who will always make the first move. I have submissive friends who won't make a first move. Really, you'll get matched up with someone who will appreciate your approach. There is no right or wrong way.

I'll tell you that for me, when I see a boy and I want him, I lure him to me. I give him a little taste, then I watch him do the rest of the work ;) This is all part of my "game" (and I'm using game in a fun/playful way here, not "playa" way). Then again, I also get approached a lot so I take it in stride.

Hope this was helpful. And I'd also sincerely like to understand point 2 more.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to SeraphSjhet)
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RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/8/2005 7:50:08 PM   
SeraphSjhet


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline 		Well, LadyAngelika, The second point confuses me, as well, and I have no idea why I have a commanding presence, but no self-esteem. I have some theories, but they don't exactly fit quite right.

The one that fits best, though, is that even though I have no self-esteem, I have no fear, and thusly, have confidence. How I've managed that is a mystery to me, though.

On a side note, a wiccan friend of mine said that I have an extraordinarily old soul... Heck, that might just be it.

Sorry I couldn't elaborate a bit more on that though.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
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RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/8/2005 7:52:57 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SeraphSjhet

Well, LadyAngelika, The second point confuses me, as well, and I have no idea why I have a commanding presence, but no self-esteem. I have some theories, but they don't exactly fit quite right.

The one that fits best, though, is that even though I have no self-esteem, I have no fear, and thusly, have confidence. How I've managed that is a mystery to me, though.

On a side note, a wiccan friend of mine said that I have an extraordinarily old soul... Heck, that might just be it.

Sorry I couldn't elaborate a bit more on that though.


What do you have in the way of confidence relating to your skills as a dominant? Not book smarts, but actual hands on experience in the flesh with a submissive in your care? What kinds of experiences, what kinds of submissives, what challenges?

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to SeraphSjhet)
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RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/8/2005 7:57:38 PM   
pleasureforHim


Posts: 171
Joined: 7/2/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I am a dom, of this I am sure. But I have a problem, and am not sure whether or not it is natural for a dom to have such a problem. I know insecurities are one thing, but this probably takes it to a whole new level -- I have no self-esteem. I mean none, at all. Now, despite this, I cope, and handle other people just fine, I think... Other people have agreed with me, and seem suprised that I do cope as well as I do. But my question here is, is it normal for a dom to have such a problem?


Whether this is true -- or even possible -- the fact remains that You are experiencing something that makes You ill at ease with Yourself. i thought You might appreciate the following information.

Every county has a county mental health board, funded by the feds, and charging on a very generous sliding scale. To locate Yours, call Your county Commissioner's office and ask the staffer for it's name and phone number. Most boards use names that make it difficult to find them in the blue pages. Call and ask for an intake appointment -- and request a licensed social worker (most states require field work before they will issue licenses.)

At the intake appointment, make notes and if/when You are offered assignment to a nurse practitioner vs a MD, do not resist. Nurses can be more available and better informed in pharmacoloogy. Attending a 1st appointment, review the meds suggested for side effects, and if they are not desirable, ask for alternatives, until You and Your medical provider reach an accord. Psycotroptic drugs can have VERY severe side effects. Your next appt should be within the week, to monitor the efficacy and side effects of Your meds. If You experience a side effect or a mood disturbance, call for an immediate appt; or go to the local ER. During this period, do not drink alcohol or do street drugs.

Simultaneously, get a COMPLETE physical examination. There are many ailments which manifest first (or only) through changes in mood or thinking...for example, thyroid disorders. Get Your MD to run a VERY wide blood panel, assuming You could ANYTHING. You might want to do some research before Your appt; www.webmd.com is a good start. The MD may go on to do other tests, but blood work will probably be first. If You have no insurance, go to the free clinic or the hospital for the poor, and get blood work done there as well. Pay in installments or just let it become a black mark on Your credit.

If You eliminate mental and physical problems and still experience a sense of low self-esteem, volunteer Your time to a battered woman's shelter or some other needful organization. Not only will this put You in touch with the blessings in Your life, it will fill You with worth as nothing else can...because You have given help where it was desparately needed.

pleasureforHim

< Message edited by pleasureforHim -- 7/8/2005 8:03:36 PM >

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
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RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/8/2005 7:58:38 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

The one that fits best, though, is that even though I have no self-esteem, I have no fear, and thusly, have confidence. How I've managed that is a mystery to me, though.


I'm trying to understand. Does this confidence equate to the feeling of "what do I have to lose?". And if so, do you think that this is real confidence? I've always been under the impression that confidence went hand in hand with self-esteem. I might be wrong. I'd like to understand more.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to SeraphSjhet)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/8/2005 7:58:48 PM   
SeraphSjhet


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline 		I feel confident in my abilities, but I've never had solid hands-on experience... no one, to date, has let me get that close to them physically, mentally, or spiritually.

Which is why I've asked some questions. To learn. =3

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/8/2005 8:08:04 PM   
SeraphSjhet


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline 		Actually, LadyAngelika... If I was afraid of what I'd lose, I most definetely would not have the confidence I would need to cope with even daily life.
And up until I finally figured out what was really going on in my head, I thought self-esteem and confidence were hand-in-hand as well.

It's definetely a confusing matter, of that I am convinced.

In response to pleasureforHim's response... Thank you, I will take that into consideration. =3

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/8/2005 8:12:17 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SeraphSjhet

Actually, LadyAngelika... If I was afraid of what I'd lose, I most definetely would not have the confidence I would need to cope with even daily life.
And up until I finally figured out what was really going on in my head, I thought self-esteem and confidence were hand-in-hand as well.

It's definetely a confusing matter, of that I am convinced.


Yes! Now you have me completely confused. ;)

- LA


_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to SeraphSjhet)
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RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/8/2005 8:29:33 PM   
SeraphSjhet


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline 		Having (over the last what... five minutes?) thought about it, I've remembered my speculation on why I have no self-esteem. My primary theory is because I feel that I'm just not good enough/attractive enough/adequate in other areas... *ahem*
etc.

I'm not really sure if that is what's causing my lack in self-esteem, though.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Dom personality trait questions I'd like to feild... - 7/8/2005 8:32:00 PM   
perfection20005


Posts: 419
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with the theory that everyone has some self-esteem problems. And I see how young you are too! With age comes the ability to over come some of those problems. And I like the long hair also!!

perfection

(in reply to SeraphSjhet)
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RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/8/2005 8:35:11 PM   
Synocense


Posts: 255
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline 		I dont mean to embarrass you but I too am trying to understand where you are coming from. Are you saying that your lack of self esteem may come from the fact you aren't experienced in bed or that you have a small penis?

Syn

_____________________________

Before you speak, ask yourself..
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Does it improve upon the silence?

(in reply to SeraphSjhet)
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RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/8/2005 8:38:53 PM   
SeraphSjhet


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Synocense

I dont mean to embarrass you but I too am trying to understand where you are coming from. Are you saying that your lack of self esteem may come from the fact you aren't experienced in bed or that you have a small penis?

Syn


Embarassment is somewhat hard to press upon me... But yes, I feel insecure because I don't have much sexual experience, and because I feel that I don't have a large enough penis... even though my previous sexual partner heartily disagrees with me.

(in reply to Synocense)
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RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/8/2005 9:17:00 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Let's just say having been with a partner once who was simultaneously very able, very assertive and very capable- AND had extremely low self-esteem overall, it's possible.

And it is confusing as hell.

It takes a long time to teach yourself to trust yourself and feel good about yourself, but it's the only way.


(in reply to SeraphSjhet)
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RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/8/2005 9:19:38 PM   
SophiaBelle


Posts: 38
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline 		Though I think self esteem often goes hand in hand with confidence, one should remember there is "confidence" and "self confidence."

For instance- I have low self esteem, it has always been a problem of mine, I know why I have it, I acknowledge it, and sometimes I am even able to counter it.
Despite this, I am very often confident. I can be confident about things I do, confident about my life, sometimes I can even be confident in myself (appearance, personality, etc.) and yes, simultaneously be suffering from low self esteem!
In fact- when I am confident in my appearance, it is my mind trying to overcompensate for how terrible I feel I truely look! This doesn't alter the fact that I am confident.

Also, he never said he was confident, he said he had a commanding presence. IMHO this isn't related to either self esteem OR confidence, though they can make it stronger. Some people inheirantly project a "commanding presence." Sometimes they are physically intimidating. Sometimes they DO appear so confident it is intimidating. Sometimes it's their apparent lack of need for confidence that is intimidating, and so on and so forth.

On to the last bit. I think that if you are comfortable with approaching people, go at it! I have found that if you are considerate of the person (like, for example, taking the time to glance over their profile/journal to get an idea where they are at) you will not be responded to poorly. Even if you do not find someone to play with, you will usually find a friend. And the odds of nature say that if you turn over enough rocks, you'll find a worm!

(in reply to SeraphSjhet)
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RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/8/2005 9:53:41 PM   
Faramir


Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline 		I'd like to throw in here brother Serpah that leadership qualities, or virtues, aren't the same thing as dominance - as having a D/s psycho-sexual orientation where you fit in as the dominant partner.

We may want as Doms to be confident leaders, but that is not the same as having a certain sexual impulse.

A submissive may well be attracted to a confident "D" - may desire that in their partner. But being a locked, cocked, ready to rock alpha type isn't being a Dom in a D/s sense.

Plenty of basements house complete mega-loser domswho couldn't lead a cockroach to a vomit sandwhich. They are still doms - they just aren't very desirable or effective ones.

(in reply to SophiaBelle)
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RE: Dom personality trait questions I'd like to feild... - 7/8/2005 9:59:26 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		Just be YOURSELF... Be true to you and how YOU feel..

all else will happen as it is ment to..

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to SeraphSjhet)
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RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/8/2005 10:06:36 PM   
SeraphSjhet


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Faramir

I'd like to throw in here brother Serpah that leadership qualities, or virtues, aren't the same thing as dominance - as having a D/s psycho-sexual orientation where you fit in as the dominant partner.



I do truely thank you for saying so, but I did already know this...
My leadership qualities are there... but not readily apparent unless I need to use them.

But yes, they are a very important thing, in my opinion, to have.

(in reply to Faramir)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/9/2005 12:06:46 AM   
magiqnapa


Posts: 31
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SeraphSjhet


The one that fits best, though, is that even though I have no self-esteem, I have no fear, and thusly, have confidence. How I've managed that is a mystery to me, though.

On a side note, a wiccan friend of mine said that I have an extraordinarily old soul... Heck, that might just be it.








Hey, being Wiccan for over 24 years....I have an extraordinarily old soul also....SO..yes, I know what you are talking about. Our commanding presence comes from our Old Soul Experiances...feel free to message me privately about that, I don't think this is the place for that conversation....I am a Domme (and an Alpha Sub, but that is another story) with a very commanding presence, trust me. But, I have very low Self-Esteem....I know it doesn't have to do with being a Fetish Model, it has to do with my ex-husband. But, I am getting over it with the help of my new Sir and my Subbie. It can be corrected, but it will take time and effort on all parties involved. I am more than happy to give you some suggestions privately on that (confidence spells, ect....) like I said, not the time and the place. If you were closer, I could of course tutor you privately....(evil little laugh)....message me if you'd like to talk, but from the looks of your sexy picture I would think you just haven't found the right people yet...don't give up,keep looking.

(in reply to SeraphSjhet)
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