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RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 7:57:00 AM

RedheadGirlNY

Posts: 59
Joined: 10/23/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Look Christina, your own tag line says don't make someone a priority who considers you an option. Yet that's what you're doing. His actions of eight years show you that you are a bit of fluff to him, she is probably the same.

If being an option is acceptible, then continue. But if you want to be someone's priority accept the fact that you won't be with him. His actions show you that.

But think about where you'll be in another eight years if you stay with the status quo. Do you want to spend 20 years of your life wishing for him to love you and want to be with you or do you want to make changes so that in ten years you will have been longterm with someone who does love and cherish you.

You can't change him. The only person you have control over is you.

Good luck.

Hey, it's my tagline too! One that I sto...er....borrowed from yet another experienced person. And quite honestly, it's how I run my life.

Oh, and the other bit of clichè that's not there "I don't have time for anyone who doesn't think I'm wonderful" - to quote Train.

Long distance for eight years and NOT expecting one or the other to find a local partner? Sounds pretty unrealistic to me. Is anyone else wondering how much face time the OP and the "dumb fuck" (is he really THAT dumb, Michael? Really, he's spent the better part of a decade getting alla his needs met, hasn't he?) have actually spent together?

Better yet, I'll ask: OP, how much time have you spent with this person in the eight years you've been "together?" And while I'm being nosy, are either of you or each of you married to other people who are either in the know or oblivious?

Your answers may soften the responses that follow. Or hone the blades.

Inquiring mind, unbendable ethics, no apologies.

Red

_____________________________

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 21

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 8:02:43 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I want to make Him want me and only me. I know He loves me and such but i want Him to allow me to submit to Him. Any and all advice would be appreciated and needed.

So hold out for an owner who only wants one. Valyraen has no interest in another girl. Though I am allowed to have relationships of my own with other women, he has no interest in being a part of them.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to mzchristina)

Post #: 22

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 8:10:44 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

For my thoughts on the subject please read this:
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=1236199

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 23

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 8:14:35 AM

BeingChewsie

Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline

Quick reply:

He isn't going to just want you. It is that simple. If -you- become his slave, he'll just have two slaves, wooohooo for him but still leaves you in a pickle. I'm not sure why if you want monogamy and thought you had monogamy you are now wasting one more second on this non-monogamous man who -lied- to you. There is no dominant man home there, if he was one, he certainly wouldn't have been slinking around behind your back like a little boy. He would of used the set he has to let you know this other person was going to be in his life and worked with you to bring about acceptance or cut you loose....about 7.5 years ago. The sum total of your relationship with him has been a lie. You can either forgive him and accept the slave as part of his life or leave. I don't see any other option working.

As a side note about the "slave", I just want to comment on how cold and manipulative I think you are. She has almost the same number of years invested in this dyanmic with him as you do, she accepted you, yet you completely disregard her feelings and her emotions in regard to him and simply focus on how you can get rid of her (who cares about how she feels about him or all the years she has been with him), it just leaves me with a "yuck" feeling. It is very 8 th grade-like.

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 24

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 8:31:17 AM

CrazyC

Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline

Hi Christina,

You might want to step back from the relationship and take a look at. Look at it from the point of view if this was your best friend asking for advice.

Some people actually get intoxicated by the whole third party relationship. It is some type of enjoyment to try to be in compitition with another woman and then be the winner. (i use to fall for married men for that main reason, so i am not saying this as a judgement but from experience.) The fact that you want to "make" him change his feeling for another gives me an idea that this is that type of situation.

This is what i would tell my BF and so what i am going to tell you....
He first off lied to you.
He second off lives far away. Reality is there is nothing real in a long distance relationship, unless there are regular face to face meets and LOTS of communication. So you are is his fun none commital relationship. It isn't a commitment, because you live too far away for him to feel like he is obligated to anything.

I am sorry you are going through all this, but please realize you deserve a hell of alot better.

_____________________________

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." Barbara De Angelis

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 25

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 8:36:58 AM

leatherette

Posts: 255
Status: offline

Quote from BossyShoeBitch: Assuming from your silence that your wife knows nothing about this, get the fuck off your ass and talk to your wife. How fucking great for you that you have a crush and boy, I'll bet the widow is just sooo sympathetic to your horrible existence. You feel like you are just a fucking paycheck? I would bet the farm that your wife feels nothing from you either. No friendship, companionship, love, support, caring, admiration, nothing. But I will bet that you will be very quick to say she doesn't provide you with any of those needs either. Probably true. When you got married there was no little chip implanted in your minds that gave you ability to read each other's thoughts. So how the hell is she supposed to know how you feel is you don't tell her?
BEING CHEATED ON FUCKING SUCKS ASS!! EVEN IN A SHITTY MARRIAGE.. PEOPLE WHO CHEAT ARE LOWLIFE FUCKING SCUM SUCKING VERMIN..
Go ahead and cheat. I hope she catches you, cuts off your dick and stuffs in your mouth. "

Dear B.S.B. : I hope you don't mind I cut and pasted your linked quote.

Now I am left sputtering and laughing all at the same time.
TY kindly. All the best to you and yours..

edit to add: oh god. i feel so mean. i wouldn't have the guts to write this myself. You rock, MS BSB!
( except even i, a girl, got the creeps from that line about cutting and stuffing - )

OP - you will get through this and find the love you need.
Be strong and cry. Be well, please.

< Message edited by leatherette -- 8/27/2007 8:49:53 AM >

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)

Post #: 26

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 8:43:29 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Actually I feel sorry for the op. She's invested 8 years in this man. The other woman isn't innocent, she's known for all those 8 years that he's stringing the op along. If she was upfront she would have pushed to talk to the op instead of dutifully removing any sign of her existence every time the op came out to visit Mr Two Timer.

We know it's a shock to learn the truth after so long. But all you can do know is mourn the death of the dream and decide whether or not you deserve someone who doesn't lie and who doesn't cheat.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 27

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 8:51:14 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mzchristina

I am wanting to learn all i can about this lifestyle. I have learned quite a bit just by reading posts in the forums.

Is it common for a Master to have a sub as well as a slave? If so how can a sub become a slave to that Master? I want to make Him want me and only me. I know He loves me and such but i want Him to allow me to submit to Him. Any and all advice would be appreciated and needed.

~mzchristina~

"never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option" -Unknown

Your post is a bit confusing. It sounds like you are his vanilla gf who wants to be submissive to him, you haven't yet and you now realize he has a slave, so to make yourself his no1 you now want to consider being a slave so he can dump her (his slave) and only keep you. If i am interpreting this wrong please correct me.

Fact is he has another who lives closer. She has almost as much time with him as you. She's not the bad guy in this. As the slave she is following his directive and obviously accepted his value system in keeping you in the dark, for sure he has justified it in some way.

If you really want to stay with this man - accepting his flaws - then i would suggest you show an acceptance and willingness to at least meet this slave of his and see how you feel and can handle the situation. If it's not possible then you really only have one option - find someone monogomous.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to mzchristina)

Post #: 28

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 8:51:39 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Actually I feel sorry for the op. She's invested 8 years in this man. The other woman isn't innocent, she's known for all those 8 years that he's stringing the op along. If she was upfront she would have pushed to talk to the op instead of dutifully removing any sign of her existence every time the op came out to visit Mr Two Timer.

We know it's a shock to learn the truth after so long. But all you can do know is mourn the death of the dream and decide whether or not you deserve someone who doesn't lie and who doesn't cheat.

I don't think the OP has said when she learned there was another person. And for all we know, the other woman was told that the OP knew and didn't care. Yes she probably should have made sure the other woman was ok with it, but I'm betting there is more to this story.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 29

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 8:52:13 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mzchristina

it isnt the fact that i want 'Him' to desire and cherish me, i want any Man to. sometimes i think i am asking for too much.

~mzchristina~

In his case, apparently you are. It is not a comment on him or on you. I am saying that obviously this isn't working out like you want, so make a clear decision.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to mzchristina)

Post #: 30

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 8:56:13 AM

MsBearlee

Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mzchristina

Ravin- yes there is a slave involved that i just learned about. He has been with me for 8 years and her 7 years. His relationship with her has been off and on for the 7 years but with me for the entire 8 years. it devistated me that He felt the need to search outside of U/us to fullfill His needs/desires. i want to break that, i want to give Him all he needs, desires, wants, etc.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mzchristina

SimplyMichael - i think the reason i feel He is worth winning is due to me being sheltered so to speak. i know He loves me but i want Him to only desire me and need me. it isnt the fact that i want 'Him' to desire and cherish me, i want any Man to. sometimes i think i am asking for too much.

Okay, it seems to me the op is already over the guy... or am I reading more into that part I bolded than I need to?

Yup, it sounds to me like you need to look for a guy into monogamy; take your time and learn to trust (and actually KNOW) him before you go making long-term commitments.

Just my two cents worth,
B

_____________________________

A must read for submissives! (click here)

This one, as well!

(in reply to mzchristina)

Post #: 31

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 9:01:46 AM

SolarAndViolet

Posts: 85
Joined: 8/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

yes there is a slave involved that i just learned about. He has been with me for 8 years and her 7 years. His relationship with her has been off and on for the 7 years but with me for the entire 8 years. it devistated me that He felt the need to search outside of U/us to fullfill His needs/desires. i want to break that, i want to give Him all he needs, desires, wants, etc.

I'm sorry to be a bubble-buster but if you live far away from him.. and she is local for him... It's your relationship with him that is not stable and is on-off ... And hers sounds more like a continuous. (again.. I don't know the details)

Sir and I had nearly 2 years worth of long distance relationship, trips to each other... and -a lot- of communication. When you live far away from someone, communication is the only thing you've got to keep you close (or as close as it possibly can) If you didn't know exactly what was going on in his life while you're away, the communication is not exactly working well.
Sorry to say but if in 8 years you guys have not figured out a way to be together (unless, as someone mentioned before one or both of you are married to other people) it will not happen. It is also unfair to think that a long distance relationship is enough for a man or even you for that long and that he won't want someone closer to touch and hold.

It's a very unpleasant and hurtful situation so sorry you're going through it but you really need to realize that if you want monogamy you need to find it, not make it.

'violet'

_____________________________

Vici, Vidi, Veni... (S)

Happy to be owned by Sir (V) (violetaelf)

(in reply to mzchristina)

Post #: 32

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 10:05:03 AM

mzchristina

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

i do hope You are right SimplyMichael, and if You are i hope i find that 'better' soon.

christina

_____________________________

"never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option" -Unknown

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 33

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 10:14:27 AM

mzchristina

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

In response to "how much time i have spent with Him" He flys me out to be with him 2-3 times a year and i stay at His house for the 1-2 weeks i am here at a time. He has bought me 3 rings and His 'slave' none, i have His name tattooed on my lower back and He denies that to her. No matter how often she asks if she can have His name on her He tells her "only one will ever have My name on them and that is christina" In reguards to His 'slave', He only sees her once a month if that. At one point He didnt see her for 3 years. i heard this out of her mouth not His. She called me to tell me about her only 3 weeks ago, and in the same breath she told me on and on how much He loves me and wants nothing more than to be with me. Completely confusing to me if i must say so myself.

-confused-

_____________________________

"never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option" -Unknown

(in reply to RedheadGirlNY)

Post #: 34

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 10:17:58 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

Sounds like a lot of drama. IMHO, you'd be better off saving your pennies to get that tattoo removed and start looking elsewhere. Even if you heard it from her mouth, I wouldn't trust it too much. Depending on how submissive she is to him she could just be telling you what he wanted her to.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to mzchristina)

Post #: 35

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 10:22:29 AM

mzchristina

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

In reguards to me being cold and manipulative. I just dont get how you come to that conclusion. You know she knew about me and she insisted on getting involved she asked for this i didnt. As far as her being invested in this relationship she isnt. I know that from what they have both told me, its just sex. If anyone is told up front about another woman that woman has a choice to be with Him or move on, she chose to be with Him and i was decieved. So who was manipulated?

_____________________________

"never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option" -Unknown

(in reply to BeingChewsie)

Post #: 36

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 10:29:19 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mzchristina

In reguards to me being cold and manipulative. I just dont get how you come to that conclusion. You know she knew about me and she insisted on getting involved she asked for this i didnt. As far as her being invested in this relationship she isnt. I know that from what they have both told me, its just sex. If anyone is told up front about another woman that woman has a choice to be with Him or move on, she chose to be with Him and i was decieved. So who was manipulated?

If it's just sex, why does she want to get his name tattooed on her so bad? Something doesn't ring true. I don't think you have the whole truth.

And yes you were manipulated, but not by her. By that boy playing at being a man that lied to you for how long? I have never understood getting mad at the other woman. It's not the most honorable thing in the world but she never made any promises to you. He did.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 8/27/2007 10:30:16 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to mzchristina)

Post #: 37

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 10:50:22 AM

mzchristina

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

Thank you A/all for your advice and wisdom. It has made me decide i do not want to be with Him and move on and grow into a beautiful butterfly. This is going to be a start of a new beginning for me. I will seek someone that wants to be with me and help me evolve into something i want/need to become.

Thank you again,
christina

_____________________________

"never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option" -Unknown

(in reply to mzchristina)

Post #: 38

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 11:49:23 AM

xoxi

Posts: 1066
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

So, there are now two stupid bitches fighting over one dumb fuck. You want to know how to kick the other stupid bitch out of bed so you can having the lying fuck all to yourself.

Have some self respect, the only other innocent party in this is the other woman, the only thing I would want to do if I were you is show up at his house holding her hands, both of you yell in unison "fuck off asshole" and turn and walk off into the sunset.

Yes, yes, YES!! LOL. Thank you! I am one person who refuses to be a stupid bitch. Two years ago I got an email from my boyfriend's other girlfriend. We both dumped him, we had lunch together, she cleaned out their joint bank account, and we (and a third girl he had been messing around with) wrote a detailed email to his parents (who liked her better than him lol) and other people.

I know it hurts to find out someone cheated on you, and you wonder why you can't be enough for that person, but it's really their issue and not yours. Polyamory is a hard limit for me, and it sounds like it is for you as well. That doesn't make you ANY less submissive, it just means that you have certain values that you don't take lightly.

The thing about submission is that it's consensual. The submissive chooses which aspects of her life she wants to submit to someone. You would probably think it's absurd if a man said "if you're a true submissive you will give me all your paychecks and transfer all of your property into my name" if it was something you didn't want to do. Same thing with poly...if you don't feel comfortable, don't do it. Because the relationship's going to end sooner or later, why waste your time and emotions with someone who doesn't care about your values?

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 39

RE: Words of wisdom needed - 8/27/2007 12:11:26 PM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mzchristina

SimplyMichael - i think the reason i feel He is worth winning is due to me being sheltered so to speak. i know He loves me but i want Him to only desire me and need me. it isnt the fact that i want 'Him' to desire and cherish me, i want any Man to. sometimes i think i am asking for too much.

~mzchristina~

scrap the original response, just read where you've given up on this guy and are now seeking a man of your own.

Bravo! (cue applause)

Good luck in your search.

< Message edited by Bobkgin -- 8/27/2007 12:14:47 PM >

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to mzchristina)

Post #: 40

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