RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags

RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (Full Version)

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MstrSkyWoIf -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 3:46:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: e01n Oooooh - I forgot that link A red flag is anything that doesn't seem to add up in the least. Period. This thread is a red flag in and of itself, given what I've seen thus far from OP. I will say that I could be wrong... I occasionally am... but I'll be hard pressed to stick around in a "play" situation when I'm seeing such a flag. Ok care to ualbert as to why my trying to put a question out to the community is a read flag...

defiantbadgirl -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 3:49:53 PM)
You're not putting out a red flag at all. I think alot of jerks get upset when someone talks about warning signs because it makes it harder for them to find victims.

MstrSkyWoIf -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 3:52:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl I admire you for your concern of subs being taken advantage of. Not only are many subs taken advantage of, even worse once this has happened, potential new Doms avoid the sub like the plague refusing to even get to know her because they say she has baggage. I have seen this first hand. My intention here was to have a place where some good advice might be found but again it has turned into a lets bash the OP rant. I thank you for your post and support. As the advice of helping them one on one I am supporting them one on one but felt if they could see they are not the only ones going Thu this it might help. I have had many express to me they feel isolated and as if they are the only one experiencing what they are.,... I guess my hopes this thread could be different and positive where to optimistic.

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 3:54:24 PM)
I've worked assisting people who are in abusive situations, sometimes people do need help getting out of the troubles they find themselves in. This doesn't mean that the person isn't inherently strong. It is simply that while in crisis they aren't always capable mentally, emotionally, physically or financially to find that strength within them to help themselves. I toss this disclaimer out there, in case there is someone who DOES need help, but fears that by asking for it, they are appearing weak. No offense to the OP, but I'm not sure a random thread that will soon be buried, is going to be of any particular help to anyone (sub or otherwise.) Then again, if someone finds something of use here that helps them heal from a hurt, wonderful. It just seems that even those asking for help by posting on this forum, don't seem willing or able to take the advise offered.

MstrSkyWoIf -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 3:55:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl You're not putting out a red flag at all. I think a lot of jerks get upset when someone talks about warning signs because it makes it harder for them to find victims. Thank you it is sad how the community can turn on you and as you say if the information is out there it makes it harder for the predators to hunt...

MstrSkyWoIf -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 4:06:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance I've worked assisting people who are in abusive situations, sometimes people do need help getting out of the troubles they find themselves in. This doesn't mean that the person isn't inherently strong. It is simply that while in crisis they aren't always capable mentally, emotionally, physically or financially to find that strength within them to help themselves. I toss this disclaimer out there, in case there is someone who DOES need help, but fears that by asking for it, they are appearing weak. No offense to the OP, but I'm not sure a random thread that will soon be buried, is going to be of any particular help to anyone (sub or otherwise.) Then again, if someone finds something of use here that helps them heal from a hurt, wonderful. It just seems that even those asking for help by posting on this forum, don't seem willing or able to take the advise offered. No offence taken in fact you said much better what I was trying to say when you said "It is simply that while in crisis they aren't always capable mentally, emotionally, physically or financially to find that strength within them to help themselves." In many casses a new sub here finds herself in just such a situation.. I also agree with you this will probebly not help as much as I had hoped it would. Thank you for your input. in

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 4:13:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf quote: ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance I've worked assisting people who are in abusive situations, sometimes people do need help getting out of the troubles they find themselves in. This doesn't mean that the person isn't inherently strong. It is simply that while in crisis they aren't always capable mentally, emotionally, physically or financially to find that strength within them to help themselves. I toss this disclaimer out there, in case there is someone who DOES need help, but fears that by asking for it, they are appearing weak. No offense to the OP, but I'm not sure a random thread that will soon be buried, is going to be of any particular help to anyone (sub or otherwise.) Then again, if someone finds something of use here that helps them heal from a hurt, wonderful. It just seems that even those asking for help by posting on this forum, don't seem willing or able to take the advise offered. No offence taken in fact you said much better what I was trying to say when you said "It is simply that while in crisis they aren't always capable mentally, emotionally, physically or financially to find that strength within them to help themselves." In many casses a new sub here finds herself in just such a situation.. I also agree with you this will probebly not help as much as I had hoped it would. Thank you for your input. in I'm very glad you took no offense. I almost never mean to offend, except of course when I mean to. [sm=flying.gif]

RCdc -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 4:14:23 PM)
There is no specific 'community' - only people who practise BDSM who come from everyday life. Can't expect people who participate in BDSM to be any different than those who do not. IMO - A red flag is anything that makes an individual feel uncomfortable or hesitant... and makes you wonder 'why' - whilst being unable to ask 'why'. Peace the.dark.

SimplyMichael -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 4:15:02 PM)
The ones who I have found to be most predatory are those who worry the most about "newbies" or anyone new in the scene. Those who tell them instead to "grow the fuck up and act like an adult" tend to be the ones who actually have their best interests at heart. We have a local munch that is dedicated to newbies, they don't play with anyone new for six months. Except they have lots of play parties where they play with all the newbies... That isn't by an stretch of the imagination the only example but the minute someone tells me they want to "protect newbies" all I hear is "I love using fresh meat".

MadRabbit -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 4:19:45 PM)
The worst red flag that can EVER EVER EVER EVER be thrown... ....is someone using a screenname that is a combination of the names of at least two characters from Alice in Wonderland...

SimplyMichael -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 4:49:12 PM)
I got some other red flags. People who need to "heal" over relationships that didn't last more than a few years People who get into several relationships in the course of a few years People who need to be saved People who need to save People who have drama drama

nmjardine -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 5:12:31 PM)
Tell her to read Gavin De Becker's "The Gift of Fear." It will help her learn to trust her instincts.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 5:17:59 PM)
Aw cmon Rover it's a long known tried and true tactic to get people to trust you- by talking about how much subs need to be protected.

Rover -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 5:35:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Aw cmon Rover it's a long known tried and true tactic to get people to trust you- by talking about how much subs need to be protected. That's why I have my consideration corsets (infinitely more desireable and fashionable than collars) mass produced in three factories in China. John

windchymes -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 5:42:56 PM)
The problem with this whole "Warn The New Subs and Show Them The Red Flags" theory is that, how many of those new subs are actually going to heed the warnings given them? The best way to make someone want to do something is to tell them they can't. Heavens, one has only to read the boards here and they can hear all kinds of stories about how that dom did the little subbie wrong, but you never read any threads by subs that say, 'Boy, I'm really glad everyone warned me so I didn't get taken advantage of!" Sometimes, the best way to learn something is by your own mistakes. We've all made them, and we all survived.

windchymes -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 5:50:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rover quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Aw cmon Rover it's a long known tried and true tactic to get people to trust you- by talking about how much subs need to be protected. That's why I have my consideration corsets (infinitely more desireable and fashionable than collars) mass produced in three factories in China. John Great! Melamine corsets with lead and mercury stays!

MstrSkyWoIf -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 6:11:49 PM)
I find it very sad that so many people have so much time on there hands they feel they must read every post and find something to bash the OP or other posters over. If you look around the forums you can find them they are everywhere. This thread started out as a way to not SAVE new subs or Protect them from themselves or others. I was hoping to put in one place a way for others to learn and understand there misconceptions. Seems I expected intelligence from the people here then they are capable of. To those who sincerely posted your help I thank you to those who just came here to try and look self important by bashing others Be well but your opinions do not count as far as I am concerned you have just showing there is a need to help those with less experience weed threw the BULL. Lord knows there is enough of it flying around here....

mistoferin -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 6:12:12 PM)
Instead of giving new subs an itemized list of gloom and doom or trying to heal them, I think it would be of greater benefit to simply not pass along the common myths of BDSM. I welcome them in and remind them that leaving their common sense at the door is NOT a requirement or even recommended. The beach of BDSM is a lovely beach, but there are sharks in the water....just like any other beach. Use their heads and their instincts and make rational, fact based decisions regarding their interactions and not allow their decisions to be influenced by hormones or a need to belong or fit in. Don't buy into all of the mumbo jumbo about this being a culture of more honest people who possess superior integrity....the people here are just like they are anywhere else. Learn to listen and be intune with that internal voice that comes from your gut....and never second guess it. It is the best tool in your box. If you are in a situation where you feel there is a piece missing from the puzzle....don't worry about trying to figure out what piece is missing....all you really need to know is that one is. If you are not a good swimmer (or a mature adult capable of making good personal decisions regarding personal interactions) then it would be best to stay in the shallow water....or maybe even on the sand. Don't come here looking for this to be a cure for all that ails you, a band-aid for your past scrapes or the therapy that will cure you from all of your past traumas.....it really will make your experience here much more satisfactory if you deal with your issues prior to entering. If you are a "victim" looking for a white knight in shining armor to ride in and save you....bear in mind that victims are pretty easy to spot. If you look like prey your chances of attracting a predator are pretty damn good.

MstrSkyWoIf -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 6:14:50 PM)
Thank you for your Post this is what I was hoping would be posted here good insight and advice.

Stephann -> RE: helping a new submissive heal and see the red flags (8/28/2007 6:20:14 PM)
So... yeah. I was tempted to join the chorus, but I think there's a heap o' truth all round. Yes, people who are new to the lifestyle are more likely to be taken advantage of. Once a 'newbie' gets past the ominous whips and chains, they're usually surprised that folks are as friendly and polite as they are. It's almost like a let down "these are the people I've been afraid of? Sheesh!" After a bit, they're lulled by a false sense of security, and especially online, they're led to a false sense of security by using the computer to discuss and act out fantasies using words they may not even know how to pronounce. It's obvious how someone new to the lifestyle can be hurt, when they let their guard down, or the shine of the possibility of a new type of relationship, or even the 'real' them, can come out. People in any heightened stage of self-discovery are just easier prey. Yes, there are people who recognize this, and prey on it. It comes in a myriad of forms; from outright aggressive approaches, to more subtle "I want to be your friend and trainer" approaches. No small number of these people aren't even aware that they are doing it; they don't see what they're doing as being predatory, because they're also locked in the same 'self discovery' phase that the newbie is, but have become accoustomed to acting these fantasies and desires out online, at play parties, munches, etc. It isn't as simple as a sociopath stalking victims; a person who has genuinely wrapped themselves deeply into a fantasy world is as much their own victim, as their victims are. And, there's the associated social issues related to newbies; everyone from the knight in shining armor, to the paternal wisdom (I suppose I fit there) to the hecklers come out. They're not children, they're not victims, but neither are they always fully aware of the dangers that lurk here online. I would say Leonidas's sig line sums up what we all need to do. "Take care of yourselves." Stephan

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