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Desiring or Desired? - 8/29/2007 6:42:13 AM

kossack

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Is it more important for you (and I'm primarily addressing those Doms who couple with women), to feel that you desire her or that you open her up and she desires you? If you were with someone where it was more the latter but the former was present, could she do anything to help you get in touch with your desire for her?

Thank you!

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/29/2007 7:37:48 AM

Exquemelin

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I'm not sure I understand the question, Do I want to someone I desire? Well yes, of course I do it would seem pointless to want anything else. Now I have been with people who my desire for them wasn't immediate but when it did arrive it was powerful and it was present before we got together. Now is this more about a couple who has been together and gotten into the routine? Because I think that is something everyone understands. What can someone do in that situtation? Remind the dom, get him a present, dress up for him in something kinky, basically do the same things a vanilla couple would do only kinky.

< Message edited by Exquemelin -- 8/29/2007 8:00:49 AM >

(in reply to kossack)

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/29/2007 8:06:57 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Yeah I'm not sure either- in a good lasting relationship, everyone desires everyone. There might be times of more or less "desire" on any particular day or week or whatnot, but it should generally even out. My partner was concerned when we got together that my sex drive burned too hot for him to be able to satisfy me, and while there are times of frustrations, sometimes even my engine runs cool or at different speeds, and I've allowed him to burn a lot hotter than he thought he would.

You have to find your own levels. If people are drastically different, well incompatibility is a problem no matter what topic you are discussing.

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/29/2007 2:01:04 PM

Rover

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Personally, neither is meaningful without the other.

John

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/29/2007 3:09:48 PM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

Personally, neither is meaningful without the other.

John

This is similar to what was forming in my mind also......John just said it first.

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/29/2007 3:22:23 PM

SirDraco7

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kossack

Is it more important for you (and I'm primarily addressing those Doms who couple with women), to feel that you desire her or that you open her up and she desires you? If you were with someone where it was more the latter but the former was present, could she do anything to help you get in touch with your desire for her?

Thank you!

I might be slightly misunderstanding this, however, for your first question both are equally important. I want her to desire me just as much as I do her.
For the second:
If she desires me more, and I desire her less than she does me... not sure. It depends on many things.
Perhaps she could do something to make me desire her more, perhaps not. Heck, if it was low enough it might be such that I would end the relationship. If I do not desire my girl then why would I enjoy being in a relationship with her? And would such be fair to her? no.
Unfortunely Love, lust, desire as well as every other emotion are very fluid things. It is very hard to define and set in place answers to such questions when every woman is unique and that in and of itself makes every relationship that I might form also unique. They are as they happen. :)

Not sure I helped to answer your questions. but perhaps...

(in reply to kossack)

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/29/2007 3:47:41 PM

Vigilantejustice

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I can't remember where I heard this snippet, but if you replace "love" with "desire" it still makes sense.

"It is not a lack of love that destroys relationships, but rather differences in the amount of love."

My 2p, which I suppose aren't terribly useful.
-Justice

(in reply to kossack)

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/29/2007 4:09:05 PM

Tigrita

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I think I understand what the OP means. For example, I know a vanilla girl who's criteria for a boyfriend is very simple: he has to like her and want her. A lot. More than she likes/wants him. She doesn't really care what he is like that much, only that his desire for her is powerful. So in this sense, she wants something yet doesn't really "want someone she desires". Do I think this is necessarily healthy? I'm not sure. But it works for her, she's a nicely spoiled little princess they both seem happy =)

I could see either a Dom or a sub having a similar sentiment. I know I'm attracted in some ways sometimes to dominant men I don't really find physically attractive in terms of facial features or something, but their social dominance attracts me and I could see myself submitting to them even if I don't particularly enjoy the thought of, say, casually kissing them of my own volition at first. So I think it can go in all directions.

(in reply to Vigilantejustice)

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/29/2007 4:25:38 PM

Celeste43

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Both. I wouldn't be with a man who didn't want me, he wouldn't be with a woman who didn't want him. I've been in a marriage with differing levels of desire and it was pure hell. Probably he felt as badly as I did.

I'm here because I want to be and if I didn't want to be here, he wouldn't want me.

(in reply to Tigrita)

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/29/2007 4:29:13 PM

Stephann

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"I didn't want to tell you, but since you've forced the issue, I just don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member." - G. Marx

In short, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a woman I didn't desire. I wouldn't want a woman to be in a relationship with me, if she didn't desire me. It's obviously more complicated than that.

What triggers our 'desire', or interest in another person is complicated. No one attribute, no one personality trait, no one physical aspect causes people to like us, or us to like them. Everyone looks for different things, but I find that people who get along well, are people who look for similar things in others; intellectuals match well, atheletic people match well, and couch potatoes couch well.

I value humor above all things. For me, that also includes a strong streak of intelligence; if a woman is brilliant but can't laugh, it becomes awkward. Physically, I expect a woman to be HWP. I've dated women who were heavier than I am, and I always found myself trying to encourage her to lose weight. Some women handle that well, most do not; after all it really is unfair to get into any relationship with timetables for change already in place. I've tried to date women I wasn't physically attracted to; just doesn't work. I've tried dating women that wasn't on the same level, intellectually; complete disaster. I know what I need, and I find that instead of approaching it from a 'what am I willing to do without' perspective, I expect a woman to positively capture my attention, and demonstrate that not only can she contribute to my life in a positive way, but that in being with and around her, she makes me a better person. That whatever liabilities she has, we can deal with reasonably because the assets far outweigh those problems. I expect; no, demand the same of her. I don't want her coming 'down' to me, anymore than I'm willing to come down to anyone else.

N such.

Stephan

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(in reply to Tigrita)

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/29/2007 5:55:41 PM

ProfJoe

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Is "desire" the same thing as "feeling it" or "chemistry"? If so, then yeah it's a part of a relationship, any relationship and I don't see what it has to do with dominance or submission.

I'm not trying to be difficult. At most I could see "desire" as a necessary forerunner for either dominance or submission or, as I said above, for any kind of non-platonic relationship. I mean: who would want to go through all the things that D and/or s entails without some element of desire?

Am I missing the point of the question?

(Prof.) Joe

(in reply to Tigrita)

Post #: 11

RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/29/2007 6:02:45 PM

playfulotter

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i found this topic interesting as i have found i desire or show my Master how much i desire him when i am a way from him (by sending emails, e-cards etc) more and he shows how much he desires me when we are together.....Does anyone else feel this too? or vice versa?

(i should say though he works like 12-13 hours a day and right now i am being a bum or working temp jobs if i feel like it...this might have something to do with it and he can't email etc from work)...ha ha

rhonda

< Message edited by playfulotter -- 8/29/2007 6:04:46 PM >

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/29/2007 7:17:07 PM

kossack

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I've just noticed that with the very few men I'm attracted to, it is a raw, visceral, inchoate, energy that opens me up to them quite quickly and it is really powerful. It is incredibly obvious to both of us that I'm incredibly turned on by him. This has only happened a couple of times in my life, and I wonder if my attraction doesn't allow him to realize if he is attracted to me. I mean, it only happens with someone who obviously desires me to begin with, but I don't want to have enough desire for the both of us, so I consciously try to pull back.

But then I was reading something by Deida, and I wondered if there was a gender and a D/s component to it as well. Deida wrote: "I need to feel you wanting me to enter you. I want to feel you let down your guard in trust, just a little bit, so I can feel your heart’s invitation. Please open so I may claim your heart.” For Deida, that seems to be core to the male/female relationship, so I wondered what experiences you all have had.

(in reply to playfulotter)

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/29/2007 8:40:23 PM

slaverosebeauty

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Desire is a fickle thing. One can desire another yet that desire not be recepricated. I do hope that MJ desire's me, if not, we have problems and no relationship; since we have a healthy and monagamous relationship, I think that is asured. MJ does get me to open up, He has had practice, He knows my buttons and He has a good idea of who I am.

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/29/2007 11:08:51 PM

heartcream

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i can hear that Queen song, "..I want it alll..." i desire to be, and feel desired, and to feel my desire for him. i would like to feels this is wut my thirst has been all about, and now i have my tall glass of water. i desire to be so very grateful i have this in my life, him wantin me, me wantin him, and we both choose to be, and are together.

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/30/2007 3:11:07 AM

littlebitxxx

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I'm thinking mutual desire would be nice, and not necessarily in a sexual way. Desire to be with the other, to converse, to cuddle, to scene, to do stuff...whatever definition you put on it. If you desire to be with him, and he with you, you got it made.

sage

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/30/2007 4:54:19 AM

mstrjx

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In my life, especially in my time with BDSM relationships, I've had it pretty good. Through techniques, or being different from the 'average Joe dom' or whatever, I was able to set myself apart. Once a potential sub discovered this, I was generally highly desired. It became expected, and it came quickly and freely.

Now, you have to understand, as a 'guy', or compared to your typical vanilla guy, I don't do much to stand out. I'm decent looking I suppose, and I definitely have some improvements I could make, so it isn't really appearance (as far as I'm concerned). It's more about attitudes and abilities.

At the same time, being desired isn't all it's cracked up to be if it isn't mutual. And that was something that I missed out on for a long time. That was why I took what was for me a lengthy time-out until I got involved again, if ever. I'm fortunate to have found that, and better later than never I suppose. It's very strange to see things that have been one-sided in one form or another (time and time again) be mutual, 'extremely' mutual. Although we've only been seeing each other a little less than six months, and have only been living together going on 4 weeks, our biggest argument seems to stem from which one of us is luckier.

Personally, I'm CERTAIN it's me. Being wanted has come all-too-easy. Want-ing was a stranger. No more.

Jeff

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Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to kossack)

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/30/2007 8:48:28 PM

arayofsunshine55

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Oh there's no comparison. These either or choices don't work most times for me. Reality is he loves us to be mutually addictive. We want to mutually desire. To mutually crave. It's a partnership. We're in this together.

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Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/30/2007 8:55:30 PM

twistedkytten

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i have been in relationships where i knew i was desired... wanted and in one or two where... i couldn't tell by normal means... but since we keep getting together.. i have to assume i am desired.

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RE: Desiring or Desired? - 8/31/2007 10:55:23 PM

obis

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This question (as I understand it) is usually asked in the form of "would you rather be with someone who loves you, or someone you love?". I believe when I've seen it asked over large populations it's usually a majority choosing to be in a relationship where they love rather than are loved. it's sort of a "proof" of the notion that relationships and love are fulfilling to us because of how they make us feel rather than about the other person.

That said, I've been in both situations and they both suck, just for different reasons. I choose to avoid them both and be alone if those are my only choices.

But the ones I love will still keep me up at night.

(in reply to twistedkytten)

Post #: 20

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