How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 10:15:08 AM

curiousoptimist

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/31/2007
Status: offline

I am new to all this. I have been going out with my boyfriend for 6 months now. As soon as we first had sex, he told me he was into kinky stuff and was quite assertive about encouraging me to explore it with him. He is a sexual submissive although he is very assertive outside the bedroom. He has told me that he likes to be bound, spanked, whipped, penetrated, gagged, hooded, strap-on-ed and generally bossed about in the bedroom. He isn't really a masochist but likes me to take control.

I am not sure about this. I never really gave it much thought and assumed it was all rather sick and disordered but because I love him and because I am open minded, I was willing to give it a go. He has just bought me 4 books on Female Dominance to read. He has bought me a wardrobe of kinky clothes and has lots of toys himself.

I feel a little overwhelmed by it all. I don't like feeling pushed around into trying something.

I am here to learn and to get advice. Have any of you out there had similar experiences? Can you explain to me why he likes this. Is it sick? Does it lead to more extreme things? Am I dominant? Can I be? What if I am not? an I become dominant? If I am not, are we incompatible?? I'd appreciate some experienced advice.

Post #: 1

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 10:26:58 AM

MasterMataeo

Posts: 215
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline

take your time and explore at your own rate,, sit him down and explain that ,,
do a lot of reading ,, this is a place where you can find alot about the "lifestyle' and yourself at the same time,,\it sounds as if he wants to molde you in to being a Domme,,
only do what you feel is comfortable for you at the time,, if he is a Sub inthe Bdrm ,, you will know it,, he will be complacent with your request,, for if he isn't he might just scare you away,,
as for if your a Domme ,, that is for you to figure out,, see how you like him serving you in anyway you want,, take him and use him to your own desires ,, it seems that is what he is wanting you to do ,,
might want to try thinking of it,, as he is the man you want , be an animal and rip his clothes off and take him how you have dreamed,,,

hehehe

MasterMataeo

_____________________________

remember the Four corners: Communication, Honesty, Respect , and Trust

Try anything Once, Twice if you like it, Three times to make sure, four makes it a habit, and five makes it's a fetish.

(in reply to curiousoptimist)

Post #: 2

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 10:30:39 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

kick his ass and piss on him.

It's all good clean fun, babe.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to curiousoptimist)

Post #: 3

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 10:32:42 AM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousoptimist
I am here to learn and to get advice. Have any of you out there had similar experiences? Can you explain to me why he likes this. Is it sick? Does it lead to more extreme things? Am I dominant? Can I be? What if I am not? an I become dominant? If I am not, are we incompatible?? I'd appreciate some experienced advice.

Why does he like it? Because it is who he is. No it is not "sick" Could his tastes evolve into more extreme desires? It is possible; it is also possible they will stabilize at a certain point.

Are you dominant? That is a loaded question! Ultimately, your capacity to dominate your boyfriend (or any person) is a question that only you can answer.

However, it is important to realize that "dominant" as a term within the lifestyle has many dimensions. Oftentimes the word "dominant" is used to refer to the "top" in a scene--the top being the one performing and orchestrating the activity of a scene, with the "bottom" being the recipient of all actions in the scene. If your boyfriend seeks only sexual submissiveness, he may be desiring that you only dominate in the bedroom; alternatively, his pushiness about the lifestyle may indicate he is a dominant who likes to bottom.

How do you feel about the activities of which he requests your parcitipation? Do you have a problem with donning a strap-on and penetrating his anus? Having tried it, do you enjoy the activity in its own right? Do you find the idea of "bossing" him around appealing?

Only you and time can determine if you are a dominant or no.

_____________________________

(in reply to curiousoptimist)

Post #: 4

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 10:38:21 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I am here to learn and to get advice. Have any of you out there had similar experiences?

My owner's experience may be similar but with him, BDSM was an always an interest. I was just the first woman who really exposed him to it.

quote:

Can you explain to me why he likes this.

Why do I eat pickles? Why do some women prefer Chubby Hubby over Phishfood? Why do some cats like their bellies rubbed and not others? Even if there is a why, it's something so hard to define that it can't be named. I've met many lifestyle and kinky people from many, many, many varying backgrounds. I can not point to anything that makes us this way. I see as it the way I am, the same as I am bisexual and enjoy action flicks. I just do.

quote:

Is it sick?

That depends entirely on who you talk to. Those of us here don't regard it as such. I certainly don't. I strongly suggest that you read "When Someone You Love is Kinky". It will help you a great deal in understanding all this.

quote:

Does it lead to more extreme things?

I don't believe so. I know people who have tried BDSM and found it be not their style. They left it by wayside. This is not a drug that hooks you and gets worse.

quote:

Am I dominant? Can I be?

Only you can answer those questions. Even if you are not a dominant you can work with him to create a system that you both enjoy, if you are both willing to work at it. You may find certain things that you enjoy doing to him and do those. You may be willing to branch out and find other things.

quote:

What if I am not? an I become dominant? If I am not, are we incompatible?? I'd appreciate some experienced advice.

Are you incompatible? It depends on what your boyfriend is willing to give up. I am not willing to give up kinky sex so if someone were unable to provide that for me, yes we would be incompatible. I am, however, willing to not be an offical d/s couple where I am owned, as long as the person I am with an alpha type personality who naturally takes control.

Again, I strongly suggest "When Someone You Love is Kinky". It talks about these sorts of situations and ways to keep the relationship healthy and strong, even if you aren't interested in BDSM.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 8/31/2007 10:47:10 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to curiousoptimist)

Post #: 5

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 11:08:48 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

From my experiences.......

I was a child when I discovered my interest in kink. I didn't see 'the big picture' (the entirety of BDSM) at the time, and I didn't really see it when I finally decided to do 'this' in all of my relationships. Prior to that, it was trying to encourage my girlfriends to be open-minded. Basically, I hinted around at it.

The last straw was my first ex-wife. I didn't tell her of my interests (and at the time that was still what they were confined to), but she found my two boxes full of 'stash' (very few toys, rope and handcuffs, plenty of videos). She deemed me 'sick'. Although I tried to explain how I thought things should be good, she wasn't open-minded at all. We dabbled one time, and that was probably one time too many for her. Not because of that, particularly, we broke up soon after. She assumed that afterwards I would do that 'nasty' stuff. I suppose she was right.

I can say that once one DOES see the big picture, and how it has the ability to enhance relationships (assuming both parties are willing), it is very difficult to want to go back to nothing (vanilla). That is where your boyfriend is. Presumably, he's planning on staying (in 'this' world), with or without you. So it would seem you need to figure out what you want to do. Not for him, but for you.

You SHOULD read, and dream, and fantasize. Whether you 'belong' depends on how you feel about it as you learn. Whether you're dominant or submissive or a switch or nothing is going to come about through your reading and soul-searching. Personally, I wouldn't even base it on your boyfriend. If his needs cannot be met by you, you will realize that. And vice versa.

Good luck.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to curiousoptimist)

Post #: 6

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 11:21:06 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

Masturbating is a sin! Or is it?
Sex before marriage is a sin! Wha...?
BDSM is sick and perverse! Hmm...

It's all perspective. Worry less about what's 'damaging' or 'wrong'. Instead worry about physical, and emotional safety, that's what's important. If what you two do makes you happy, and makes for great sex, why would it be somehow wrong? If he wants you to be sexually dominant, then explore things you like, tie him up and make him into a foot stool while you read up on a few things that interest you. If he pushes you too fast though, just gag him and go at your own pace.
As for being Dominant, you could 'pretend' or you can just explore and figure out what you like for yourself, you may be neither Dominant nor submissive, maybe you just like to play with certain kinks, or maybe you like to switch, no one can tell you, but you.

I wish you all the best of luck sampling the array of kinks at your disposal.

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 7

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 11:23:54 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

you need to get over to the religious kink thread so I can masturbate all over that dress and cross.

FatherFrigid

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

Post #: 8

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 11:54:43 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

Take charge by slapping him across the face and telling him to stop pushing you around. You'll explore it, but it'll be on YOUR terms. That might shut his apparent frenzy down and redirect him to be more respectful of your novice status. He's topping from the bottom, meaning that he's controlling everything. If that's the way you want to live, fine, but it's pretty uncomfortable to be forced into things you're not ok with. Take it at your pace and make sure he knows that's the way it's going to be.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to curiousoptimist)

Post #: 9

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 12:26:14 PM

caught4u

Posts: 132
Joined: 5/25/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

Take charge by slapping him across the face and telling him to stop pushing you around. You'll explore it, but it'll be on YOUR terms. That might shut his apparent frenzy down and redirect him to be more respectful of your novice status. He's topping from the bottom, meaning that he's controlling everything. If that's the way you want to live, fine, but it's pretty uncomfortable to be forced into things you're not ok with. Take it at your pace and make sure he knows that's the way it's going to be.

Helz ya! You go girl

_____________________________

"Be Yourself - Everyone Else is Taken"

~owned by Master of Wind~

(in reply to MisPandora)

Post #: 10

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 12:39:44 PM

FelinePersuasion

Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

No offense, but saying you're open minded, but then asking is his interests sick, don't come across as very open minded at all. And no none of uscan speak for your partner as to why he's a sexual submissive, each person's motivations and reasons for being so is differnt, and one explination will not fit every one.

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousoptimist
but because I love him and because I am open minded, I was willing to give it a go. .

I am here to learn and to get advice. Have any of you out there had similar experiences? Can you explain to me why he likes this. Is it sick?

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.

(in reply to curiousoptimist)

Post #: 11

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 12:54:00 PM

ChainsandFreedom

Posts: 222
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline

take it slow and try it.

your not jumping off a bridge here.

next time he goes down on you, see that its because you told not asked him to. spank him playfully, harder if you like it. tell him which position you want to have sex in, YOU tell HIM when you want to be physical. You dont need to be using that strap on just yet. He says he's submissive, so he's going to have to take things at your pace.

These are all examples of how to ease into it...if you like it, than maybe add a little more, and a little more. Stop when you yourself think somethings gone too far for you.

If you dont like any of it, be glad he was decent enough to tell you about it now instead of ten years down the road.

You attracts or repulses you isn't going to change...maybe he's worth a try, but no-one will have fun if you force yourself into it.

good luck.

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

Post #: 12

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 1:20:27 PM

CuriousLord

Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousoptimist
I am new to all this. I have been going out with my boyfriend for 6 months now. As soon as we first had sex, he told me he was into kinky stuff and was quite assertive about encouraging me to explore it with him. He is a sexual submissive although he is very assertive outside the bedroom. He has told me that he likes to be bound, spanked, whipped, penetrated, gagged, hooded, strap-on-ed and generally bossed about in the bedroom. He isn't really a masochist but likes me to take control.

For understanding the statements here that pertain to him, he might be classified as a bottoming Dom. (A "bottom" is one who is bossed around or controlled in the bedroom. A "Dom", short for "Dominant", is one who controls outside of the bedroom, and, usually, in it too.) A Dom who bottoms is.. something of an oddity, though he's far from unique. I can not claim to understand the mental stance he has, though this is how it can be referred to.

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousoptimist
I am not sure about this. I never really gave it much thought and assumed it was all rather sick and disordered but because I love him and because I am open minded, I was willing to give it a go. He has just bought me 4 books on Female Dominance to read. He has bought me a wardrobe of kinky clothes and has lots of toys himself.

This lifestyle is most certainly sick, in the regard that it can be determental to living a "normal" life in the eyes of the greater portion of society. Just, this doesn't seem to stop its substituents from living it.

If you'd like to message me in private, I could try to explain a bit of what I've learned about such individuals as a dialog. (Since it's not a subject I fully understand, I'm unable to readily outline it in the general sense.)

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousoptimist
I feel a little overwhelmed by it all. I don't like feeling pushed around into trying something.

One of the most common themes of this community is that one should be comfortable in anything he tries. This said, it's likely many, if not the great majority, of individuals here would sympathize with you here.

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousoptimist
I am here to learn and to get advice. Have any of you out there had similar experiences? Can you explain to me why he likes this. Is it sick? Does it lead to more extreme things? Am I dominant? Can I be? What if I am not? an I become dominant? If I am not, are we incompatible?? I'd appreciate some experienced advice.

There's.. soul searching to be done? It's unlikely you're currently "Dominant" if this isn't what you feel. Now, how close are you to it, may be a valid question. (Such as, I don't currently like.. eatting pie. I like sweet things, and it looks good, I just happen to have no interest whatsoever. But, still, I'm pretty close to liking it in the regard that nothing's really stopping me and eatting it for a while may change my inclination. On the other hand, I also don't like red meat. It's tasteless to me, and the blood in it makes me a bit sick to my stomach. And, while I don't care for it in the same way I don't care for pie, I'm far closer to liking the pie than the red meat since I dislike the red meat with objective reasons in mind.)

If you're not Dominant, nor do you really want to be.. honestly, you two just might be incompatiable. Which.. would really bite, if you really care for the guy, but, meh.. that's life, you know? Even if he just wanted the BDSM-type relationship in bed, and you don't enjoy it, a good sex life is typically pretty important to any intimate adult relationship.

For very many, it does lead to "deeper" things. For others, it stops at, or even short of, the first experiment. So, I suppose it would be more accurate to say, "It's possible it may lead to deeper things."

(in reply to curiousoptimist)

Post #: 13

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 1:36:02 PM

curiousoptimist

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/31/2007
Status: offline

Thanks.

< Message edited by curiousoptimist -- 8/31/2007 1:37:04 PM >

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 14

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 1:38:23 PM

crsopsboyfriend

Posts: 1
Joined: 8/31/2007
Status: offline

I am THE kinky boyfriend. Thank you to everyone for these replies. Very thoughtful and considered...except perhaps curiousLord- what is so private that you can't say it in front of the rest of us?

(in reply to curiousoptimist)

Post #: 15

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 1:40:32 PM

sluggy67

Posts: 18
Joined: 11/25/2005
Status: offline

Don't forget to charge him. Otherwise you will put the pro Dommes out of work.

(in reply to curiousoptimist)

Post #: 16

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 3:20:51 PM

ChainsandFreedom

Posts: 222
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline

quote:

This lifestyle is most certainly sick, in the regard that it can be determental to living a "normal" life in the eyes of the greater portion of society. Just, this doesn't seem to stop its substituents from living it.

curiouslord:

think of all the mass produced handcuffs, riding-crops, ect. you'll find at any adult store and how few people are fully immersed 'in the/these scenes'.
I'm not sure that simply participating in this kind of thing is detrimental to living a 'normal' life at all. Methinks its a matter of degrees...you can go to rock concerts and not have a life dictated by a rock and roll life style, you can go to bars or go on wine tours now and again and not have an alcoholic lifestyle, same goes for sports fans, poker players, ect.

Further, i wouldnt call being very much in the scene to being detrimental if you do go that far. Thats gotta be as much a result of your personal responsibility and common sense (or lack thereof) as what your lifestyle is.

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 17

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 3:25:29 PM

ChainsandFreedom

Posts: 222
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline

quote:

I am THE kinky boyfriend. Thank you to everyone for these replies. Very thoughtful and considered...except perhaps curiousLord- what is so private that you can't say it in front of the rest of us?

crsopsboyfriend:

I wouldnt put too much into it. The creeps who want to steal your girlfriend are on the personals side of the site.
The guy writes long and through responses.
He probably just didn't want to hijack the thread as I just did by going off on tangent.
Also, this is a public forum, he mentioned not being quite sure about the subject, and was probably hoping a private convo would allow him to discuss things without making generalizations that might piss other people off.

(in reply to crsopsboyfriend)

Post #: 18

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 3:42:03 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crsopsboyfriend

I am THE kinky boyfriend. Thank you to everyone for these replies. Very thoughtful and considered...except perhaps curiousLord- what is so private that you can't say it in front of the rest of us?

Well, I hope that the boyfriend will consider himself extremely fortunate that he has someone willing to consider his needs and that he'll be more considerate of HER in the future.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to crsopsboyfriend)

Post #: 19

RE: How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend? - 8/31/2007 5:19:41 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChainsandFreedom

quote:

This lifestyle is most certainly sick, in the regard that it can be determental to living a "normal" life in the eyes of the greater portion of society. Just, this doesn't seem to stop its substituents from living it.

curiouslord:

think of all the mass produced handcuffs, riding-crops, ect. you'll find at any adult store and how few people are fully immersed 'in the/these scenes'.
I'm not sure that simply participating in this kind of thing is detrimental to living a 'normal' life at all. Methinks its a matter of degrees...you can go to rock concerts and not have a life dictated by a rock and roll life style, you can go to bars or go on wine tours now and again and not have an alcoholic lifestyle, same goes for sports fans, poker players, ect.

Further, i wouldnt call being very much in the scene to being detrimental if you do go that far. Thats gotta be as much a result of your personal responsibility and common sense (or lack thereof) as what your lifestyle is.

I agree completely.

If living this life is sick, I can't imagine how. Being a kinky submissive and in a 24/7 relationship isn't costing me anything. I'm about to graduate college. I'm in a long-term relationship that is heading towards a common goal of marriage and 2.5 kids with a picket fence. My relationship with my family is better than ever and I have some of the best friendships of my life. I am lacking nothing because of BDSM, nor does it stop me from accomplishing anything.

What exactly is sick about it and what in my life needs treatment? Realizing that my nature is valid and that I'm not a freak has only bolstered my self-esteem and improved my life.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to ChainsandFreedom)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> How shall I handle my kinky boyfriend?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094