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How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 4:11:47 PM

kossack

Posts: 82
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline

I need closure on this relationship, and I need it fast. There are a number of things he has got to do. I'm not talking about the emotional stuff--he has actually been quite good dealing with my tears. I'm talking about finances and stuff. I’ve handled all this crap till now, seemlessly enough that he simply took me for granted, but now that my name isn't going to be on them, I literally can't do them.

I have gone above and beyond the call of duty in terms of avoiding melodrama, being really nice and helpful (although when I found his new girlfriend’s undies in with our laundry at our place before I'd moved out, that went a bit far, in my view). I'm letting him keep my old apartment, under the condition that he set up auto-payment to me each month (he isn't good with money and I don't trust him to actually pay it on-time every month, and I don't want it to affect my credit--this way I pay it and know it has been paid). But he isn't following through on what he has got to do. The utilities have to be in his name. He needs to deal with some financial stuff from the two of us and make it so that I can be as unentangled as possible. I can't deal with this going on for another month. I've given him lists of what to do, and he says "yes, I’ll do it" and then he doesn't, even when I took the time to look up the phone number. How, short of just taking my name off the utilities so he has no electricity or gas or internet or phone or something far worse, do I get him to step up to the plate? I'm not going to let my credit go to hell because he won't deal with this stuff that none of us like doing. And I don't want to be entangled anymore! I can't keep an eye on his bills anymore--he's on his own and I want to be on my own too.

Post #: 1

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 4:14:14 PM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
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He's a grown man, right? He knows that bills have to be paid, etc., right? Take your name off the bills and let him deal with it. Right now he knows that you will continue to do it so he's not doing anything. Give him a deadline and stick to it.

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 2

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 4:15:12 PM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

um... honestly the only way you are going to get him to 'step up' is to have the utilities taken out of your name. If he loses electricity or gas or phone, i am betting he will be down to whatever utility company the next morning getting them in his name. :)

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 3

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 4:17:41 PM

EternalInferno

Posts: 47
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline

Take care of you, he isn't. You can't let anyone drag you down in such a way. Tell him he has three days to change everything because at that time they will be shut off. He is no longer your master and doesn't warrant so much consideration that it messes with your credit, your emotions or your life in any way now.

I know it's painful, but allowing it to be more painful isn't wise. Good luck to you!

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 4

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 4:24:25 PM

SirHedonicsslave

Posts: 55
Joined: 1/6/2006
Status: offline

I have to agree.....i'd tell him....i'm going to go and change the utilites out of my name *insert a day or date*....and then let him make his mind up whether he needs the stuff or wants to continue procrastinating. One thing i would check......check your lease.....make sure you can hand the apartment over to him, because if not, and he stops paying or does damage, you're responsible.

(in reply to EternalInferno)

Post #: 5

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 4:32:33 PM

kossack

Posts: 82
Joined: 8/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SirHedonicsslave

I have to agree.....i'd tell him....i'm going to go and change the utilites out of my name *insert a day or date*....and then let him make his mind up whether he needs the stuff or wants to continue procrastinating. One thing i would check......check your lease.....make sure you can hand the apartment over to him, because if not, and he stops paying or does damage, you're responsible.

We can't change the lease into his name, but I trust him enough that he won't screw me over--he isn't vindicative. He's a good guy. He is paying me the security deposit. He's just incredibly flaky and doesn't really want to accept that the rules that apply to everyone else apply to him as well.

(in reply to SirHedonicsslave)

Post #: 6

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 4:46:26 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kossack

We can't change the lease into his name, but I trust him enough that he won't screw me over--he isn't vindicative. He's a good guy. He is paying me the security deposit. He's just incredibly flaky and doesn't really want to accept that the rules that apply to everyone else apply to him as well.

I am groaning to myself as I am typing this because I did not heed the advice I'm about to give, but I am going to type it anyway.

I was married to my husband for almost 20 years. He was a good guy, we just weren't working out (or so I thought). EVERYONE warned me. I was foolish enough not to listen, and to have faith in the man who has now made my life a living hell.

So I am going to tell you, in a nutshell, what everyone told me, and that had I listened, I would be in a much more favorable place right now.

Cut all financial ties to him immediately. I don't care what a good guy you think he is. Desperation brings out the worst in people Cancel all credit cards that share his name, and re-issue cards in your own name. Cancel your lease and let him get his own apartment. The risk of what you'll pay in the long run when he flakes is nothing compared to what you will pay up front to get out of the lease early. Cancel all utilities that are in his name. He's all grown up and can start the utilities himself. He is no longer your dominant, so it is up to you to look out for yourself now - nobody else is going to do that for you.

I won't go into what "being really nice and helpful" to my ex got me. But I urge you to please look out for yourself. People can get really selfish when they're up against a wall and not accountable to the person they want bailing them out.

The best of luck to you, truly.

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 7

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 4:50:59 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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I concur, and this big titted bitch has never let me tie her to the chair so there is no collusion, end it immediately and totally in all respects, do not set your hopes on human kindness, and for fucks sake take the chairs!!!!!

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 8

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 4:55:46 PM

EternalInferno

Posts: 47
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline

Whatever kindness you offer in this situation, be prepared to pay for it. You cannot count on past behavior of being nice, etc. He is not doing what he needs to do now, what makes you think he will later? Just be prepared for whatever he does or doesn 't do. Don't be caught off guard or so broke you can't recover for a long time.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 9

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 5:07:24 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

I concur, and this big titted bitch has never let me tie her to the chair so there is no collusion, end it immediately and totally in all respects, do not set your hopes on human kindness, and for fucks sake take the chairs!!!!!

Ron

Sorry Ronnie. He took the chairs, along with everything else

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 10

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 5:11:03 PM

kossack

Posts: 82
Joined: 8/5/2006
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I have no credit cards with him, and no shared finances. (He added me to his checking account, I never, even when we were together, let him into mine.)

But, if I were to get a stranger off craig's list to sublet, I've have the exact same deal I had with him. I have a security deposit from him for the apartment. I can't believe he'd trash the place just to hurt me. If he misses a month rent, I can get the lease canceled--that all seems like overkill.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 11

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 5:24:55 PM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline

I'm with the others. Tell him when you're gonna take your name off the things. And encourage him to set up on line bill pay so he doesn't have to think about paying the stuff month to month. I understand flaky. And I get not keeping up on this stuff. On-line bill bay has been my savior.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 12

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 5:26:54 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kossack
But, if I were to get a stranger off craig's list to sublet, I've have the exact same deal I had with him. I have a security deposit from him for the apartment. I can't believe he'd trash the place just to hurt me. If he misses a month rent, I can get the lease canceled--that all seems like overkill.

You asked how and I gave you a heartfelt and sincere answer. You called it overkill. I thought those who advised me were talking overkill too, but then I didn't ask them for advice.

I wish you the best.

< Message edited by ownedgirlie -- 9/1/2007 5:27:21 PM >

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 13

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 6:24:19 PM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

I agree with the others. You are responsible as long as your name remains on any bills, accounts, rents due etc. Tell him that you will be closing the accounts on a particular date and stick to it. Make the arrangements. If the apartment complex says that you cannot sublet and you've already moved, you've already broken the lease. Make arrangements with them to tie that loose end up and let them handle him however they see fit. Seems wrong and mean, I know, but sometimes, a person can be too nice for her own good. Your relationship with him is over. Cut the apron strings.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 14

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 6:28:24 PM

BlueEyedSubinDE

Posts: 56
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline

Why can't you change the lease to his name? What legal issues does that open you up to, that you don't live there and someone who isn't on the lease does? I don't know what the tenant laws are in your state, I do know here if someone doesn't pay their rent, the landlord can have you evicted and hold you liable for the remainder of the lease as well as court fees. So if for example you have 5 months left on the lease, that is 5 months rent you are obligated for.

I know I sound harsh, but all I'm telling you is as long as any item is in your name, regardless if it's a lease, an account, you and you alone are responsible if it doesn't get paid. Do you want that liability? I think you need to take things out of your name to protect yourself.

I don't think it's a question of him possibly being vindictive, I think it's more he has no reason to make a change, why should he? You're still willing to take care of him, why should he make any changes? He's no longer your Dominant, why are you still trying to please him?

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 15

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 8:20:31 PM

iammachine

Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline

This may sound like a silly question, but if the lease is in your name - and he isn't on it - why is he living there and not you?

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I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 16

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/1/2007 11:20:11 PM

WolfSpirit862

Posts: 8
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
Cut all financial ties to him immediately. I don't care what a good guy you think he is. Desperation brings out the worst in people Cancel all credit cards that share his name, and re-issue cards in your own name. Cancel your lease and let him get his own apartment. The risk of what you'll pay in the long run when he flakes is nothing compared to what you will pay up front to get out of the lease early. Cancel all utilities that are in his name. He's all grown up and can start the utilities himself. He is no longer your dominant, so it is up to you to look out for yourself now - nobody else is going to do that for you.

Profoundly good advice. I hope the OP heeds it.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 17

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/2/2007 4:44:23 AM

bignipples2share

Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

If you are on the lease, he isn't and he accidently, not vindictively, ruins the carpet, burns a countrop, moves something in and puts a hole in the wall, you are going to be charged for it.

Get your name off the lease and off anything else the two of you were on previously. This is not overkill, it's sanity.

~Big

(in reply to WolfSpirit862)

Post #: 18

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/2/2007 5:14:52 AM

SeeksOnlyOne

Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

being adult about the ending of a relationship is a good thing...and commendable.

it is also adult to protect your credit and your finances......get everything out of your name asap.....he can handle it-he is an adult also.....

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 19

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? - 9/2/2007 5:23:08 AM

kittensmailbox

Posts: 744
Joined: 1/7/2005
From: Youngstown, Ohio
Status: offline

As long as he can live off everything being in your name, he will...

_____________________________

~softly smiles

~lowers her eyes in respect~

~kitten

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)

Post #: 20

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