quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

Him driving off in a huff wins no awards for addressing the situation either, but interestingly, DiurnalVampire has a rule, "If it is more than an hour delay, we consider the plans canceled..."

In this case we can presume TM was late by at least one hour, if not more. (7pm or later as the facts seem.) Being that late w/c calling is rude.

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ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

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ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
Frankly a Ds relationship isn't fair and isn't even sided so I think personally at the end of the evening a boy who drove off on me would not get a call from me let alone an invitation back to take me out to dinner. Personally I would not have made that first call when he wasn't there but I would have gotten into my own car or called a cab and taken myself out to eat.

I once was at party in a room with a woman who has a very strong personality and tremendous experience with BDSM. She was tying up her sub when he became upset and demanded to be let out of bondage. Instead of getting angry in return or worrying that her dominance was diminished, she recognized that something must be wrong and out of character. She began to untie him and asked those present there to excuse them. They discussed whatever was needed and later joined the party as if nothing had happened.

I think they resolved the matter with grace. I walked away thinking she was secure in her dominance and that she resolved the matter in a manner that was practical rather than ego driven.

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I agree with Cloubdoy; it would have been better for the sub to call before leaving. Leaving without calling undermined communication. For her to also not call would have further undermined the communication and each would have fumed over feeling disrespected. If she had not called him when she did, it could have added to the damage or even meant an end to their relationship. Two bits of wisdom I remember from elsewhere are: (1) how much a domme is willing to be flexible depends on how much the relationship merits it, and (2) if one partner is upset, it serves the relationship if the other partner can act to calm the emotions. TexasMaam seems to have found a sub with whom she feels promise and a strong connection. I think her approach served her relationship, which in turn served her.

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If Fox and I have a disagreement or a misunderstanding we have standing rules that we sit down and talk about things

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I agree that having rules for how to handle disagreements is a good idea. I caught a well done presentation by Allena Gabosch of Seattle's Wet Spot about what has helped her relationship survive (17?) years. Amongst what has served her is a list of rules for how to handle disagreements. I recommend her presentation and her list to anyone seeking such ideas.

Cheers,

Sea

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ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
I just don't see the above scene case as the same as what the OP described.

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The OP isn't a matter of the dom being flexible or not; it's a matter of her job, a job where she is not the boss.

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TexasMaam, I believe, called when she was able to do so because he wasn't waiting for her as he said he would be. It wasn't a matter of her reaching to him because he was upset because she had no way of knowing he was upset until she called him.

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I still don't see how the OP is a disagreement about what happened as much as people letting their desires interpret the events beyond what may have been realistic expectations to have at that time.

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The only way to prevent this from happening again is to set down some rules they can both follow. That's not a Ds thing, that's a human relationship thing. If we leave the true causes of problems without solutions those problems will rise up again.

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ORIGINAL: TexasMaam
In complete obedience he did so.  We had a lovely dinner, I held him close and told him I'd never deliberately take him for granted or abuse his devotion by just leaving him to sit and wait for hours (unless it was a test, which I have been known to do on occasion - in this instance it was just an unhappy circumstance). 

I asked manthing to understand that My job would demand my time and attention and would, on occasion, even prevent my calling him until certain processes and reports were finished.

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End of month close is always a lengthy process on the last business day of the month, and it almost always requires that I work late on that day.  It varies, though, sometimes it's only an hour late, sometimes I'm there until Midnight.

manthing stopped by to see me and take me to dinner that evening, planning his route across Texas through My city just to make the time to spend together over dinner.  Forgetting that it was "EOM", end of month close, he planned the stopover and hoped I'd be out fairly early.

He called late that afternoon, we discussed it, and our department manager's plans were to be out of the office by 5:30 no later than 6pm

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ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
..... Personally I would not have made that first call when he wasn't there but I would have gotten into my own car or called a cab and taken myself out to eat.

Once he put forward the idea of taking you out to dinner he had a responsibility to wait for you. Your responsibility was to try and get done but you aren't the boss in your office it sounds like so there was little you could realistically do, right?"

DPA #6879 4501 2903 5369 472

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ORIGINAL: cloudboy


I'd be pissed, just like your manthing was. Not sure I would have driven off, though. I probably would have called or tried to come up to your office if that was possible.

You were the tortfeasor here, so it was your obligation to call, which showed good judgment on your part. Using your authority to effect a positive outcome was also smart.

Using your authority or FEMDOM station to blow him off would have been a massive mistake. Kudos you didn't make it.

------

As for general opinion:

I'm alligned with Sea & MH and not alligned with TJ here. I don't think subs should put up with rude behavior. Seems to me a well placed txt msg (25 seconds) would have saved you from the whole scene. No one should ever keep another person waiting and wondering if possible. To me, BDSM has nothing to do with it.

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ORIGINAL: ocilla
I do kind of think you have some work to do with him in grasping that tantrems will not be indulged.  That driving away thing was not aceptable.  Now that he has done it once - he best never do that again......imo.

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ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

.....Same issue, I cant tell when its going to happen and I cannot get away to call and say I will be late.
.......
You could have avoided the problem by suggesting you make plans anotehr day, since you were in the EOM period and you were likely to run into problems. Or at least mentioned to him that delays were possible, and perhaps allowed him to go somewhere to wait for you and called him when you were out so he could pick you up then.

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ORIGINAL: YesMistressIrish

Texas Maam,
 
You handled it very well imo.
 
Sounds like you are both communicating in a very healthy adult manner.
 
Just curious, no cell phone? Couldn't get a quick call out?
 
Have one like him you can send to Calif?
 
*wink
 
Miss Irish

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ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

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ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

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The OP isn't a matter of the dom being flexible or not; it's a matter of her job, a job where she is not the boss.

The flexibility I reference is not with respect to the job but by the decision to call and apologize. The response you said you would take upon learning he had left (to not call him and not accept any further invitations for dinner) is likely to end the relationship. TexasMaam could have responded similarly. Instead, she chose to call him. She likely knew he was upset because of how long he had to wait. And she chose to deal with it at a human level (someone she cares for is upset and she chose to apologize for whatever role she had in it) rather than a D/s level (how dare he leave). Rather than take a response that could end the relationship, she took one that likely grew the relationship. I think a relationship grows when two people can overcome a tense disagreement and better understand each other.

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I still don't see how the OP is a disagreement about what happened as much as people letting their desires interpret the events beyond what may have been realistic expectations to have at that time.

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My comment about rules for how to resolve a disagreement was in direct response to your suggestion about rules for how to resolve a disagreement. What was your context for saying there should be rules for how to resolve a disagreement?

In my opinion their disagreement was about how each should have acted during the delay.

While I see that each person viewed the situation in a manner different than the other, I do not see how their desires interpretted the events beyond what may have been realistic expectations.

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ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

... Instead, she chose to call him. She likely knew he was upset because of how long he had to wait. And she chose to deal with it at a human level (someone she cares for is upset and she chose to apologize for whatever role she had in it) rather than a D/s level (how dare he leave). Rather than take a response that could end the relationship, she took one that likely grew the relationship. I think a relationship grows when two people can overcome a tense disagreement and better understand each other.

Cheers,

Sea

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There in lays the problem right? That is DiurnalVampire's rules not TexasMaam's.

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ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
I think you misunderstood me or I didn't type clearly enough.