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While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 1:23:55 AM

CuriousLord

Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

Reading over the "24/7 - no way!!" thread, I've realized that a significant population does not consistently maintain their D/s-based role at all times. This thread is something of the opposite of the other.

Primarily:
How do participants of non-24/7 relationships interact when in a period in which the dynamic is not maintained? (Is it relatively vanilla, or how does this work?)

To the side:
If it is somewhat, or entirely, vanilla.. doesn't this feel odd, the switch?
If you are one who participates in a non-24/7 relationship, how might you feel if your dynamic shifted to be more 24/7-ish?

Free discussion and related topics are welcome. As opposed to looking for a singular bit, I'm attempting to gain a more broad prospective on the reasonings for what appears to be a common dynamic type.

Post #: 1

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 2:47:37 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

Reading over the "24/7 - no way!!" thread, I've realized that a significant population does not consistently maintain their D/s-based role at all times. This thread is something of the opposite of the other.

Primarily:
How do participants of non-24/7 relationships interact when in a period in which the dynamic is not maintained? (Is it relatively vanilla, or how does this work?)

To the side:
If it is somewhat, or entirely, vanilla.. doesn't this feel odd, the switch?
If you are one who participates in a non-24/7 relationship, how might you feel if your dynamic shifted to be more 24/7-ish?

Free discussion and related topics are welcome. As opposed to looking for a singular bit, I'm attempting to gain a more broad prospective on the reasonings for what appears to be a common dynamic type.

I am one of those weird little ducks who does not live with her Master yet maintains what feels like a 24/7 mindset with regards to D/s. Of COURSE it's not 24/7. I'm not picking up his underwear, or dealing with a LOT of things that two people (D/s or otherwise) have to deal with when co-habitating. Nonetheless, simply because I don't go to bed with him every night and wake up with him every morning does not mean that I treat our relationship or my committment to the tenets we've ascribed to with any less "seriousness."

For me, when not with him, whether at work or simply apart, our relationship is simply that - our relationship. If I have rules in place for my actions and demeanor when I'm with him, then they are in place when I'm not with him. (I'm not talking about the sexual, dress in nothing and parade around the house while on the lookout for those who might not understand kind of things everyone always knee-jerks to in these threads.)

With him, I'm expected to do my best to be the best I can be. At work, this dynamic doesn't change. Like those little bracelets people wear, when in doubt, I ask "what would R do?" (or rather, what would he expect me to do?) And I do just that.

If after work, a group of people are heading out for a drink or whatever, while I am collecting the things I need to take home that evening, I'm calling him to ask if he minds that I go with these folks. If he says "sure, go ahead" I go out and have a great time. If he says "No, not tonight" then I don't. I certainly have more things to do at home so I go home and do those.

I really have never understood the difficulty in doing what needs to be done in a vanilla world while living a D/s lifestyle. I don't feel the need to separate the two worlds. In fact, while people differentiate between the two, I consider them parts of the same world. I mean, I still have to grocery shop, interact with neighbors, co-workers and bosses. I still have to deal with family, teachers, and other people who hold positions of authority over different members of my family. Just because I am in a D/s relationship, it does not lessen my ability or responsibility to do these things. And just because I have to do these things, it does not lessen my D/s relationship.

About the only changes I've noticed from one group to another is that 1) I don't call him Sir in different groups of people, I use his name. 2) I refer to him as my boyfriend instead of my Master within certain circles 3) When someone says jokingly that their husband took them to Lover's Lane (a milktoast kind of store around here for adults), I don't ask them what they bought, whereas in other groups of more D/s-y friends, we might end up discussing the merits of their purchases.

Beyond that, we simply live our lives. So, shifting from one "world" to the other really just doesn't hold that big of an impact.

juliet

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 2

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 2:48:53 AM

servantheart

Posts: 960
Joined: 10/26/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

Primarily:
How do participants of non-24/7 relationships interact when in a period in which the dynamic is not maintained? (Is it relatively vanilla, or how does this work?)

It depends on where we are at the time. If we are out amonst the general public, I will generally still refer to Him as "Sir", even in front of others. If we are dining out, and I want to order something extra with my meal, I will ask His permission, regardless of whether or not the waiter/waitress is standing there, and if the answer is yes, I will say, "Thank You, Sir.". Oftentimes in this situation, He will order for me as well. If we are out shopping and I find a shirt I like, for example, the final decision of whether I purchase that style, color, etc. rests with Him, even if I'm the one paying for it. He does not require these things of me, but I like to maintain that level of respect and awareness of my place within the relationship and addressing/interacting with Him thus helps me do that. If we are in a place where doing this is absolutely not feasible, I still defer to Him in all the ways I'm used to doing, but leave out the "Sir" when addressing Him.

Taryn

_____________________________

When you really trust someone, you have to be okay with not understanding some things.
~Real Live Preacher, Real Live Preacher weblog, 07-08-04; Anonymous author of RealLivePreacher.com

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 3

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 3:11:54 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I've not been in a 24-7 relationship, but have been in one where I was with a partner at least 3-12 hours a week for over a year (as a submissive). I just don't really equate my sex-BDSM life much with "the rest"(other parts of) my life very much, especially right now.

I had what I consider a "normal" relationship with my past Dominant outside of our BDSM activity - and it didn't seem like a strain to have that (the relationship didn't end well, but I am speaking of what happened up until that point).

We did things normal couples do - go out to dinner, shop, see movies, etc. D/s played a limited role in these activities, IMO - in other words - we both made decisions together, or he left it up to me, much of the time: Where to eat, what to buy, etc. The only exception was when it came to who else we could both see (we were (supposedly) both Poly - but that's a whole other story).

Had he made a preference known re: Where to eat, shop, etc., I would have deferred to his preferences. In the bedroom, things were completely different - he was definitely Dominant there. I don't think this was particularly because I am what is sometimes called a "bed-room submissive" - it's just how the dynamic of our own relationship evolved - and that was based as much on our own personalities and preferences, as anything else, IMO.

Maybe with a different person, things would have been very different, I cannot be sure.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/4/2007 3:44:42 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to servantheart)

Post #: 4

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 3:16:05 AM

burningdesires47

Posts: 120
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline

as a person who is ACTUALLY not in a 24/7 D/s dynamic--and doesn't want to be--it depends on the person. Sometimes, I really cannot interact with a person without being in the dynamic, which pretty much means we don't hang out outside of scening. With others, I can be friends and hang out and have a great time without the dynamic in place, and then go back to the dynamic like putting on slippers.

I guess for me really, it's that with some people I feel submissive all the time, and with some people I don't. I haven't been Domming much lately at all, but when I was, I did have a couple pets with whom I didn't choose to break the dynamic, partially because it felt right that way and partially because they always felt submissive toward me and treated me accordingly, and it just fell into place that I would continue the dynamic with them all the time.

(in reply to servantheart)

Post #: 5

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 3:48:51 AM

YourShyPet

Posts: 185
Joined: 6/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

Reading over the "24/7 - no way!!" thread, I've realized that a significant population does not consistently maintain their D/s-based role at all times. This thread is something of the opposite of the other.

Primarily:
How do participants of non-24/7 relationships interact when in a period in which the dynamic is not maintained? (Is it relatively vanilla, or how does this work?)

To the side:
If it is somewhat, or entirely, vanilla.. doesn't this feel odd, the switch?
If you are one who participates in a non-24/7 relationship, how might you feel if your dynamic shifted to be more 24/7-ish?

Free discussion and related topics are welcome. As opposed to looking for a singular bit, I'm attempting to gain a more broad prospective on the reasonings for what appears to be a common dynamic type.

I had never heard the term 24/7 coined until I discovered the internet lifestyle... always before that whenever I met a couple or couples in real life they were in a D/s-M/s relationship... which to me ment the equivelent to a nilla bf/gf-marriage... and just like those dynamics... a bf & gf might sit around one day hang out on the couch and watch tv or they might go out to the movies ... hold hands... etc... but no matter what they did their still in their relationship... and wether they lived under the same roof or not they're still bf & gf... For me I'm in a D/s relationship like that... it doesn't matter if we go out to dinner and a movie... or go to a lifestyle function... the dynamic doesn't change.

_____________________________

kittin

http://www.myspace.com/daddys_kittin

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 6

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 3:51:44 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

Reading over the "24/7 - no way!!" thread, I've realized that a significant population does not consistently maintain their D/s-based role at all times. This thread is something of the opposite of the other.

Primarily:
How do participants of non-24/7 relationships interact when in a period in which the dynamic is not maintained? (Is it relatively vanilla, or how does this work?)

To the side:
If it is somewhat, or entirely, vanilla.. doesn't this feel odd, the switch?
If you are one who participates in a non-24/7 relationship, how might you feel if your dynamic shifted to be more 24/7-ish?

Free discussion and related topics are welcome. As opposed to looking for a singular bit, I'm attempting to gain a more broad prospective on the reasonings for what appears to be a common dynamic type.

Have you considered that many masters in a 24/7 are unlikely to actually be there 24/7?

Work, vanilla friends and family, other vanilla-esque hobbies and tasks.

With my marriage, my wife worked from home, telecommuting to her office. I was at home,. raising our son and helping him overcome his autism.

We were probably more 24/7 than most people, but still there were trips to the stores and family and friends ...

A question to be asked might be "where do you draw the line between something you'd call '24/7' and something that is not? how many hours a day must you be together as master and slave to be considered '24/7'?"

For the record, we considered ourselves 24/7 because at no time did we stop being master and slave, we simply did not reveal it to others in inappropriate situations.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 7

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 4:02:52 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

The problem with this line of questioning is that it attempts to separate the lifestyle from life. Everyone must live life, whether they are a "vanilla" couple or a "lifestyle" couple. Certain elements are common ground, such as jobs, trips to the grocery store, raising UMs, family time, etc. The difference only lies in how the couple relates to each other. Whereas a D/s couple might use terms like Master or slave, a "vanilla" couple may have private nicknames they won't use in public, or they just might if they feel daring.

To me, there is no such thing as vanilla life and BDSM life. There is only life. If I have a full time relationship with a dominant, my dominant, then my life with him is 24/7. Who he is to me doesn't change just because we're not currently engaged in some BDSM related activity. He's still just as much my dominant when we're at a parent-teacher conference as he is when I'm on my knees worshipping his cock. We're just not going to let the teacher know what our dynamic is. Doesn't change it, it's still there, but it's not announced either. Thankfully, the teacher isn't letting us in on her private life either. That would be more information than we needed to have.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 8

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 4:06:03 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

The problem with this line of questioning is that it attempts to separate the lifestyle from life. The difference only lies in how the couple relates to each other.

To me, there is no such thing as vanilla life and BDSM life. There is only life. If I have a full time relationship with a dominant, my dominant, then my life with him is 24/7. Who he is to me doesn't change just because we're not currently engaged in some BDSM related activity. He's still just as much my dominant when we're at a parent-teacher conference as he is when I'm on my knees worshipping his cock. We're just not going to let the teacher know what our dynamic is. Doesn't change it, it's still there, but it's not announced either.

This sums it up perfectly. I am in a M/s relationship 24/7 no matter what we are doing.

I think too often living in a constant scene is confused with living 24/7.

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to feastie)

Post #: 9

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 4:23:02 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

To me, a 24/7 M/s dynamic does not literally mean we are Master and slave all the time. But it does mean the M/s dynamic is available 24/7 if I so choose.

Owning my girl is owning *all* she is and I equally enjoy sharing as mutual adults, friends and confidantes, too! But anytime I'm in the mood to dominate, it's my right as owner and her place to accede to my demands. Or if I consider she's being a tad disrespectful etc while we're sharing as equal adults, I'll choose when and how to rein her in.

A 24/7 dynamic is always available, it's just not always required. Nor is it always possible, esp when we're separated or asleep or whatever else goes on in everyday life.

Focus.

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 10

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 5:47:11 AM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

To the OP,

I'm thinking a lot of people are applying the terms "D/s relationship" and "M/s" relationship when what they mean to say is "scening". A lot of tops and bottoms seem to refer to themselves as dominant, master, mistress, sub, slave, and so forth, while the people I talk to on a more regular basis (i.e. have commonalities with) refer to that as being top/bottom and scening, reserving those terms to refer to people in an actual lifestyle relationship (i.e. a relationship where the dynamic itself is 24/7, regardless of whether any scening or play occurs).

Quite apart from that, a lot of people also view it as a sexual orientation, rather than a lifestyle thing or personal inclination, which seems to work for them. Personally, I've not been able to view it that way, and engage in top/bottom type scening in the same way others might have a one-night stand, or a fuckbuddy. The dynamic is a different thing for me.

Each to their own.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 11

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 5:49:58 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Primarily:
How do participants of non-24/7 relationships interact when in a period in which the dynamic is not maintained? (Is it relatively vanilla, or how does this work?)

I would first have to ask you one question. Do you feel that 24/7 means that the those in question must be living together for it to be called 24/7? Or are you only referring to those who scene and then switch back to what most would call vanilla lives? Just curious.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 12

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 6:19:31 AM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

I usually date girls I don't live with. It's fun with a friend-why get obsessive over it?

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 13

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 7:12:24 AM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord
How do participants of non-24/7 relationships interact when in a period in which the dynamic is not maintained? (Is it relatively vanilla, or how does this work?)

By definition, the relationship would have to be largely "vanilla", as the power exchange dynamics are intermittent.

Personally, I don't see how that can be. My slave is my slave all the time, not just when we are scening. Relationships are not things that stop and start up again (certainly not healthy ones).

_____________________________

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 14

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 7:15:19 AM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
To me, a 24/7 M/s dynamic does not literally mean we are Master and slave all the time. But it does mean the M/s dynamic is available 24/7 if I so choose.

Ok...now I'm curious. If the dynamic is "available" 24/7, doesn't that make you Master and slave all the time?

_____________________________

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 15

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 7:33:56 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord
Primarily:
How do participants of non-24/7 relationships interact when in a period in which the dynamic is not maintained? (Is it relatively vanilla, or how does this work?)

To the side:
If it is somewhat, or entirely, vanilla.. doesn't this feel odd, the switch?
If you are one who participates in a non-24/7 relationship, how might you feel if your dynamic shifted to be more 24/7-ish?

Free discussion and related topics are welcome. As opposed to looking for a singular bit, I'm attempting to gain a more broad prospective on the reasonings for what appears to be a common dynamic type.

Since both of us are switches, it's actually quite organic and a non-event when we 'switch' with eachother or simply are vanilla together. Since the foundation of our relationship is a vanilla one, that is what we hold to as priority.

That being said, the first year of us dating I was dominant all the time- and that worked perfectly for us at the time as well. The change surprised us both, but it's just how things worked.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 16

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 7:40:18 AM

GhitaAmati

Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

Reading over the "24/7 - no way!!" thread, I've realized that a significant population does not consistently maintain their D/s-based role at all times. This thread is something of the opposite of the other.

Primarily:
How do participants of non-24/7 relationships interact when in a period in which the dynamic is not maintained? (Is it relatively vanilla, or how does this work?)

To the side:
If it is somewhat, or entirely, vanilla.. doesn't this feel odd, the switch?
If you are one who participates in a non-24/7 relationship, how might you feel if your dynamic shifted to be more 24/7-ish?

I have what I consider a 24/7 relationship, although I hate the term, because its reffered to as so many to mean a 24/7 scene, and im sorry, but I am still a sub whether Im naked in chains sucking his cock or Im driving the kids to the playground. Sure I do alot of the same things vanilla housewifes do, but that isnt what makes me vanilla or "kinky".....we all eat, breathe and sleep too...does that mean we are no longer slaves while we are asleep??

Now, I will admit that there are days, when so much of the "vanilla" stuff needs to be done, kids are sick, meetings at school, running errands, being in "mommy" mode can be hard to switch out of when it comes time to wind down and not be "in charge" anymore when Sir gets home...sometimes it takes a few minutes to kinda switch gears. That doesnt mean I wasnt his while I was doing those things, only that as part of my service to him, I have to be able to handle other situations and it can get hectic sometimes....even vanilla people sometimes need a short time to switch from "work" mode to "home" mode...doesnt mean they arent still married while they are at work.

_____________________________

I said I was a submissive, I never said I was a GOOD submissive.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
~Woody Allen

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 17

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 8:09:47 AM

Grlwithboy

Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

My flavor is one where we're basically who we are. I'm naturally "the pants" and he's naturally just not. No need to make lists of rules, belabor it, or freak out over it. I sometimes choose to assert it in concrete terms, either playing or in other ways, and it reinforces the positions and makes us happy. Likewise, he sometimes makes overt gestures that show me he wants to feel in service, he wants to feel his place, and I respond to those - pretty organically. I don't think that having loads of protocol makes a relationship what it is.

< Message edited by Grlwithboy -- 9/4/2007 8:11:40 AM >

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 18

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 8:26:18 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

the way this slave sees 24/7 is as a description of commitment to the dynamic...not an actual representation of the type of activities participated in throughout any given 24 hour period. the only "outside the dynamic" this slave can fathom is being separated by death or release, not geographical location, sleeping arrangements or familial responsibilities.

that being said, this slave's commitment to being Master's slave is all encompassing. this slave has no and Master requires no other earthly "Master" be served, for either personal or financial reasons. she does not have an employer, a priest, a gaggle of girlfriends that need to be dished and/or socialized with on a regular basis, unmentionables who need care or other family members that demand attention.

it is not a struggle, against this slave's nature, or work to be slave to Master 24/7. Unlike the popular claim that in order to be fulfilling, a relationship must be "work"...ours does not operate with that mantra. In preparation for success, Master applied His philosophy of removing all barriers to that success, allowing this slave to concentrate on Him and what He desires.

Merc - PS: If you can wrap your mind around the concept that you are 24/7 male, 24/7 Caucasian, 24/7 right handed; you will understand the perspective we're trying to represent with a 24/7 M/s dynamic. Walking down the street, observers may be able to determine the gendar and race, but the dominant hemisphere of your brain isn't as apparent - yet it is always there and influencing everything, even the way you walk.

The dynamic between us is not always apparent, but it is there and visible if you look closely enough. It need not be overt or distracting to third party observation, but it is constant between us, with no time off, or 'down time'. We don't need it. We appreciate others do, without judgment. My argument for the debate would be that there is a need to take a 'vacation' if what you are doing is 'work'.

The other aspect is that this isn't something that has an answer that can be documented. Words can't describe the subtle nuances. Come to our home and observe and then you'll have OUR answer - not THE answer.

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 19

RE: While Outside the Dynamic - 9/4/2007 10:49:37 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

We have full lives. We'll go out and go grocery shopping for instance, which doesn't demand anything more than walking around getting stuff on the list. Or miniature golfing, the current craze here, which does involve trying my damnedest to beat him and then dancing around saying I won, I won. But at all times we strive for love and respect to go both ways, and that keeps us happy. I don't follow willingly someone I can't respect or trust. By working on that, then I have no problem with the rest.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 20

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