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Adding to your family - 9/4/2007 4:02:06 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

This really belongs on the poly board but I think questions posted in general get a better variety of answers so here goes.

For those of you who joined an established couple or who are willing to join an established couple and for the established couples looking to add another or who have added another;

What are your expectations as to time spent together as a group?

What are your expectations as to time spent together with individual partners?

Do you expect to or actually get to have one on one time, say like a date or a day out with both partners separately?

How important is it or would it be to you to spend time together as a group?

With each person in the group individually?

(For those who are part of an established couple looking to add or who have added another)

Did you make time as individuals for the new person?

How important do you think this is or would be when adding another to your family?

< Message edited by Twicehappy2x -- 9/4/2007 4:32:03 AM >

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

Post #: 1

RE: Adding to your family - 9/4/2007 5:15:37 AM

FyreAngel

Posts: 55
Status: offline

Nooooooobody's responded, so i will! Not that i'm in a poly group or plan on being in a poly group. Not too long ago (maybe 2 months) i was trying to pawn my boyfriend off on a sub. He was trying to add to the "family". I dont think she expected time seperately with me. I know she expected time seperately with him. Her and I talked quite abit through emails, IM's, and on the phone. So I've always had "seperate" time with her, for what it was worth. I made sure her and him had seperate time because well... i wanted them to establish a GOOD connection.

I personally dont like expectations and people with their own can jump off a bridge. IMO if i were to join or start my own poly family it would be a "family" We would all be in it together. No expectations of time seperate but i would expect through the normal course of things for everyone to have seperate time. 3 people or even 4 people can not be together ALL the time. (well for the majority) Just like in a normal family. Sometimes mama bear is home, sometimes papa bear is, sometimes they're both out and the baby bears are home alone.

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Post #: 2

RE: Adding to your family - 9/4/2007 5:40:36 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x

This really belongs on the poly board but I think questions posted in general get a better variety of answers so here goes.

For those of you who joined an established couple or who are willing to join an established couple and for the established couples looking to add another or who have added another;

What are your expectations as to time spent together as a group?

What are your expectations as to time spent together with individual partners?

Do you expect to or actually get to have one on one time, say like a date or a day out with both partners separately?

How important is it or would it be to you to spend time together as a group?

With each person in the group individually?

(For those who are part of an established couple looking to add or who have added another)

Did you make time as individuals for the new person?

How important do you think this is or would be when adding another to your family?

I am not now, nor have I been, a member of a poly family.

It was a matter discussed with my wife, and we had the intention of creating a poly family eventually.

I am in the process of building a poly family now.

So here is my take on these questions:

I view the poly family as a plural marriage: we are all married to each other.

As such, there is no need or desire to exclude other members of the family in any activity.

From my point of view, such a need or desire is essentially an attempt at pair-bonding, deliberately excluding a member.

I don't see that as conducive for a healthy poly family.

That doesn't mean everyone must be included in all activities. Someone may wish to nap while others wish to play.

But any sign of deliberately trying to exclude another wouldn't be met with my approval, and would initiate a discussion about why she wanted to exclude the other member. Indeed, it is most likely such an attempt would require a discussion with the member excluded involved as well: a family conference.

The members of a family should love one another (in my opinion), and thus my slaves should love one another as they love me, and I them. Exclusion, when it occurs, is situational or accidental, never deliberate.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Post #: 3

RE: Adding to your family - 9/4/2007 6:22:25 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x

This really belongs on the poly board but I think questions posted in general get a better variety of answers so here goes.

For those of you who joined an established couple or who are willing to join an established couple and for the established couples looking to add another or who have added another;

What are your expectations as to time spent together as a group?

If my slaves live with me, they are expected to eat at least one meal with the entire family every day. Usually this is dinner.

If one couple of the family is going to the movies or out to eat, unless it is a special occasion like an anniversary, they are expected to invite others. No obligation to go.

I would hope any slaves would also join our gaming group and like hanging out with some of our friends. I expect them to also have their own friends to spent some time with.

quote:

What are your expectations as to time spent together with individual partners?

I demand at least one hour a day just one-on-one time with each partner.

I demand at least 4 hours a week one-on-one SM, bondage, something like that time with each partner (if we have the BDSM relationship).

Currently none of this is a problem in our household of three adults. I think more than 5 adults would start to be a problem just with limited numbers of days a week.

quote:

Do you expect to or actually get to have one on one time, say like a date or a day out with both partners separately?

I think this was mostly answered above.

It used to be that I spent separate time with partners on my birthday but currently given how close we three now are we just save money and do one big thing as a family for birthdays.

Anniversaries are also spent as couples in my household.

quote:

How important is it or would it be to you to spend time together as a group?

With each person in the group individually?

Not really seeing how these are different questions from earlier ones.

quote:

(For those who are part of an established couple looking to add or who have added another)

Did you make time as individuals for the new person?

I make time alone with potentials and then my current partners meet them as well though not alone. If they want to spend time alone, I let them schedule that themselves.

Tom and Fox spend time geeking out together and go to one gaming group together. I don't make them do that but I'm happy they do because I believe it adds to stability around here. Plus if something should happen to me I like to think that they care enough about each other to hang together for a while if not remain a family forever.

quote:

How important do you think this is or would be when adding another to your family?

Someone who only wants to know me and interact with me doesn't want to join my family at all. I'm not single, I'm part of a family even if I am the head of it in most ways. Part of my duty as the head is to think about the entire family not just myself. Someone who wants to serve me needs to be acceptable to my guys and needs to fit into the existing structure of the family.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Post #: 4

RE: Adding to your family - 9/4/2007 6:57:37 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x

This really belongs on the poly board but I think questions posted in general get a better variety of answers so here goes.

For those of you who joined an established couple or who are willing to join an established couple and for the established couples looking to add another or who have added another;

What are your expectations as to time spent together as a group?

What are your expectations as to time spent together with individual partners?

Do you expect to or actually get to have one on one time, say like a date or a day out with both partners separately?

How important is it or would it be to you to spend time together as a group?

With each person in the group individually?

(For those who are part of an established couple looking to add or who have added another)

Did you make time as individuals for the new person?

How important do you think this is or would be when adding another to your family?

These are actually very good questions and ones that have to be looked at when adding a third or becoming a third.

I think it's very important to take time as individuals for the new person. In My case, it's usually a bit lopsided, since I interact with My boy more than My husband and My sub do. I don't necessarily see this as a bad thing, since there is a D/s situation with one part of the triangle, and not the other. Spending time that is specifically dedicated to My sub and My husband both as individuals is an important element to making it work.

Group time (all three) is important, too. In this case, it's a bit more difficult because all three of Us have varying work schedules. For example, We could never live up to TammyJo's requirement of all having dinner together everyday because one of Us is second shift, the other primarily a day person, and My work schedule was thought up by a sadist somewhere. Even if We did all live together, there would be many occassions that work would prevent all of Us being in the house at the same time for a meal.

That being said, group time is the hardest to arrange out of the possible scenerios. Yesterday, for example, was one of the exceptions to this. The three of Us had the opportunity to have a wonderful dinner together, followed by My sub giving Me a pedicure while the three of Us talked about upcoming events. My sub and I then played afterwards while My husband had some computer time. After playing, the three of Us talked a bit more and I came up with a project for the two of them together to be worked on in the next few weeks.

In My view, I see it very much the same as I do a triangle. Each one of the sides connects to the other, plus there is the triangle as a whole.

I hope the above rambling answers the questions adequately. I'm still buzzing a bit from playing last night.

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Post #: 5

RE: Adding to your family - 9/4/2007 7:01:11 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

poly is one i never get. the dynamics are huge and while those that are in poly tells you it works for them.
It is Truely Not a road i would travel on.. The mind is so vast . I have had of yet to see anyone handle one person well let alone a herd.
until you master your self you should not master or Mistress anyone

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 6

RE: Adding to your family - 9/4/2007 7:23:41 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Did I just get lucky and be the person your comment came up as 'replied to' happen to hit, or was it directed to Me specifically?

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 7

RE: Adding to your family - 9/4/2007 7:39:41 AM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

For me, I work very hard to ensure everyone gets private time, time alone with me for various activities and time with my husband for bonding (my husband is not bi or a dominant so he and my sub are friends, not lovers, D/s dynamically involved, etc). I also to try to ensure I have time with my UMs and my husband and anyone else in my life.

I haven't had complaints from any of the aforementioned re: feeling left out or not having enough personal time with me. Right now, one of the things that is "bumped up" is my forum posting because I have more free time than I do with a live in. When he moves in, my forum time will decrease. So I make changes and allowances where necessary to ensure the human, loving aspect of my life and those around me is fulfilled.

My husband as remarked that I am more attentive to him when we have a house guest or someone living here than when we don't. While I don't feel I give him more attention, I must. So it works for us.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 8

RE: Adding to your family - 9/4/2007 9:38:21 AM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

It might be directed at you, it might be words from the mothership, or he could have just used Fast Reply. With LB, it's impossible to tell.

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 9

RE: Adding to your family - 9/4/2007 9:40:06 AM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: earthycouple

When he moves in, my forum time will decrease.

I think I speak for quite a few board members when I say that this means his moving in is absolutely unacceptable. How dare you think of doing something that will make you happy without taking the entertainment of strangers into account!

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to earthycouple)

Post #: 10

RE: Adding to your family - 9/4/2007 9:44:14 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

<chuckle>

I know. That reply to feature isn't always all it's cracked up to be.

In the post made, I thought it might be a comment directed to the varying schedules the three of U/us have, and how that might be construed as not being in control of certain matters. <Shrug> On that, I can only say that life is life and work is work. I control neither of these things and there are many of Us out there that don't especially have banker's hours. Some of Us kinky folks work nights and weekends, too.

(in reply to SmokingGun82)

Post #: 11

RE: Adding to your family - 9/4/2007 9:57:17 AM

kshearsecouple

Posts: 171
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

To the orgianl OP:
I think I have posted this on the poly board.......or I could have just thought I did and forgot...with me you never know lol
Anyway I do know several sub/slaves have asked through mail if My husband and I are a couple why do you not consider yourself poly. Well for us My husband and I are 100% in love with each other....we have grown in this lifestyle together. We have always had *girls around* but to us they were toys. We have decided to take the next step in finding a permanate girl for us. I cosider poly being able to love more than one person....many loves or how ever you want to say it. What ever girl we deside to take on there will be caring and a diffrent kind of love Our girl won't be *everything to us* we have that already with in each other.
We look for friends to fit in our lifestyle as well as the other. I don't think we have to set aside time for anyone...We are who we are.
Just my thoughts

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 12

RE: Adding to your family - 9/4/2007 10:05:01 AM

submittous

Posts: 345
Joined: 6/12/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x

(For those who are part of an established couple looking to add or who have added another)

Did you make time as individuals for the new person?

How important do you think this is or would be when adding another to your family?

Well our situation may not be very common, we are a Dom/me couple and have taken an early retirement so that we do have time to pursue our bdsm. We have been able to devote a real 24/7 now for 15 years, before that we both had careers but did tend to work out of our house and not an office.

We find time for each relationship tends to just happen naturally, as individual couples, as a three some or when we have a fuller family moresomes. Time allocation seems to be the easy part. Group bdsm families are complex and often difficult, we think if there are good relationship skills, an excellent communications system and open honest people involved the time and other social interaction stumbling blocks will either fall into place or be addressed by the infrastructure.... well, usually

We think it is critical for each member, new or old, to know they loved. cared for respected and worth the time spent with them. So our thought on your questions is "yes" we think it is important that everyone know that spending time together is important, but we don't believe that alone is enough.

Bill and Iris

_____________________________

"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Post #: 13

RE: Adding to your family - 9/4/2007 1:55:20 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Hi Twice,

With any slave that comes into my Master's world, she would have alone time with him, as will I, and the three of us will have time together, as well. With new slaves, we both have found it is best that she establish a bond and relationship with him first, and then to bring her and I together after that occurs. Too often, we unfortunately find the new girl feels she is under my shadow, and feels she can't "measure up" to an established slave of his of three years. It is unfortunate because in a perfect world we would compliment each other and bring forth our own unique specialness for him to enjoy.

He has recently told me of a girl who is just that - an established slave of his, and of his intention of introducing us. I am excited to meet her. It will be an online meeting at first, and then there are plans for me to travel and meet her in person (she is out of state). Should all go well, the three of us will travel together in a few months to bond together as a trio. But she will continue to get one on one time with him as will I, as we all feel that is important.

Up until this past year, however, I was overcoming my own insecurities about being in a poly relationship. I knew from the beginning he wanted another slave, and that he preferred to own us both together as a trio, but I also knew he would keep me sheltered from his activities with other slaves until he was confident in my ability to handle it well. Personally I was grateful for this. I didn't want to know because I would obsess. So he has had slaves totally seperate from me, and that worked for awhile, although it was not his preference.

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Post #: 14

RE: Adding to your family - 9/4/2007 4:36:31 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

The short answer is that I expect to have the amount/type of interaction that is appropriate for the relationship with that individual. Just because people are in the same poly family does not mean that all the relationships will be the same.

As most people know he, Alandra and I form the core of our poly family. The three of us are primary partners for each other. Rob and Denika are secondary partners for him and Alandra. The four of them are very good friends who are intimately involved. My relationship with Rob and Denika is different than his and Alandra's. The relationship between Alandra and I is different than our relationships that we have with him.

When I first became his slave, there was a lot of one on one time between he and I. It was important to him to build a strong bond between the two of us. He is the center of our family and my connection with him was established first.

Now most of our time together is spent with the three of us. There is one on one time but it is rarely structured or scheduled. Mostly, we take advantage of opportunities that present themselves. Because of the type of relationship that we want with the three of us, it is extremely important to have a strong group dynamic.

Rob, Denika are part of the family, but the type of relationship that exists with them makes it unrealistic to have the same expectations that exists between the three of us and vice versa.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Post #: 15

RE: Adding to your family - 9/4/2007 4:58:38 PM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

quote:

For those of you who joined an established couple or who are willing to join an established couple and for the established couples looking to add another or who have added another;

What are your expectations as to time spent together as a group?
Going into the situation, I didn't have any expectation of spending time as a group. I'm new to poly, and all my previous experience had been limited to one on one interaction with individual Dominants so that was my working model. However, from day one, we did a lot as a group which included my um's and their extended family and friends. I still giggle about the birthday party they had for me within a month of first contact. It was all family, and they are pretty discreet about their lifestyle so I couldn't figure out why nobody asked who the birthday girl (me) was. They all took my presence in such stride. I don't really get how that worked.

What are your expectations as to time spent together with individual partners?

I don't have a lot of expectations there. We (me and him) have an M/s dynamic and, for us, slaves don't have rights. To have expectations would be pretty much the same as assuming a right to his time. The same goes for her, now that I think about it but since we don't have an intimate relationship, that pretty much goes without saying.

Do you expect to or actually get to have one on one time, say like a date or a day out with both partners separately?

I don't expect to, but I do get to spend one on one time with both of them. With her its pretty occasional. Its much more regular with him though its not like dating (in my head that would be precious scene time wasted which we dont get nearly enough of lol). We usually spend it doing regular life stuff, or alone.

How important is it or would it be to you to spend time together as a group?

Its really important and I think its one of the strengths of our situation.

With each person in the group individually?

I think that's important too. If I got no time with him, I don't think we could sustain an M/s relationship. I try to be aware of their need for 'couple time.' Thus far, me and her haven't spent a whole lot of time together, just the two of us, but as things progress and I get more comfortable, it'd probably be a good thing if it were to happen.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Post #: 16

RE: Adding to your family - 9/5/2007 3:56:33 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FyreAngel

Nooooooobody's responded, so i will!

Lol, THANK YOU!

quote:

We would all be in it together. No expectations of time seperate but i would expect through the normal course of things for everyone to have seperate time.

Yes, i most definitely think a family should spend time as a family and would think everybody also related to each other as individuals as well.

But if in the normal course of things if the separate folks did not get time alone would you then attempt to arrange for that time?

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to FyreAngel)

Post #: 17

RE: Adding to your family - 9/5/2007 4:00:38 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin

From my point of view, such a need or desire is essentially an attempt at pair-bonding, deliberately excluding a member.

So, if you and your wife (believe me i know better than most your pain there, my deepest sympathy to you) as an already bonded pair brought in another, you don't think you wife would have still wanted/expected one on one dates/time with you?

You don't think the third would want/need the same with either of you as individuals?

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 18

RE: Adding to your family - 9/5/2007 4:04:03 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

If my slaves live with me, they are expected to eat at least one meal with the entire family every day. Usually this is dinner.

This is a good plan, we always have dinner together nightly.

quote:

I demand at least one hour a day just one-on-one time with each partner.

I demand at least 4 hours a week one-on-one SM, bondage, something like that time with each partner

So you do think each person involved should spend some type(depending on their relationship) of time together , that is good to hear. Thank you for your answers.

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 19

RE: Adding to your family - 9/5/2007 4:09:33 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

In My view, I see it very much the same as I do a triangle. Each one of the sides connects to the other, plus there is the triangle as a whole.

I like your analogy. Thank you as well.

Ours is a bit lopsided as Scooter works and Jewel and i do not. Yet i think having one on one time for each member with the others is extremely important.

Tell me if you do not mind, when you first acquired a sub, did you have any issues leaving your husband alone when you made time for your sub?

Did your husband have issues with this?

Did your sub feel like he was getting enough alone time with you?

Does he ever just go fishing(for example) with your husband?

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 20

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