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My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 8:21:10 AM   
stylish


Posts: 31
Joined: 9/2/2007
Status: offline 		Hey all,
I'm new to this site and somewhat new to the community as well.  So any advice I can acquire from you all is greatly appreciated.
Specifically, I have one question that I've been wrestling with and I was curious about your personal opinions on the matter.  My sub and I have been together for a long time and we have a great relationship.  However, I recently discovered that she has been cybering online with others and sharing fantasies with other Doms in the online community.  I'm still unsure how I feel about this.  I realize it is all fun and games and that none of it is real, but at the same time it does kind of feel like she is going behind my back and fooling around with another Dom.
What would you do with your subs if a situation like this ever arose?  Would you punish her/him or not?  Also, would you feel like this is polyamorous, cheating or just a little bit of innocent fun?
Thanks for listening and any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 8:23:57 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		talk to her.......maybe it is her harlequin romance, maybe she is afraid to face to face tell you the nasty shit she wants to happen, maybe you are about to be flushed-----who knows?  who cares?  in cases like this, imagination is much less important than knowledge.

Rare, but true.
Albert Einstein

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to stylish)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 8:46:30 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stylish

What would you do with your subs if a situation like this ever arose? 

It did arise. He didn't give a damn.
quote:


Would you punish her/him or not?

He didn't. He thought it was funny and enjoyed that it made me more eager to have sex with him.
quote:


Also, would you feel like this is polyamorous, cheating or just a little bit of innocent fun?

Talk to her. When I did it, it was just an outlet. I wouldn't regard it as polyamorous personally.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to stylish)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 8:52:52 AM   
chathamvahere


Posts: 81
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		As above stated, communication is the key:) talk with her, and when you do (try not to get defensive), that will put her guard up, just have a nice relaxing chat and let her lead into it:)  maybe with coaxing questions:) good luck.

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 8:59:07 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I would need more info and even then it depends.

Sharing fantasies with people what does it matter if it is another dominant or submissive. Is it being shared in a group or is she fostering individual relationships and are these fantasy exchanges or serious role playing between two people?

If she is just having some harmless fun over the Internet then I would say this is more of an issue about you not her. If she seems to be acting out based on boredom or something in her life is not working for her then obviously you have a problem.

Personally I would have a tough time if my Master got jealous over me sharing fantasies or expressing my thoughts on anything when there is no evidence in them that I am not 100% loyal, dedicated and committed to him.

Easy thing to do as AquaticSub said and the standard answer on these boards. Talk to her and see why she is doing it. If it is a fear she can relieve you of or a real problem that need addressing between you two then you are all the better. If it is no big thing and it still bothers you ask/order her to stop but be honest with her in your reason and do not make it some noble reason. Just say it makes you uncomfortable, I would hope she could understand.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 9:06:49 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You've been together a long time and have a great relationship- what have you done in the past when something was going on that needed to be discussed?

The only thing I ever care about my partners cybering is that it doesn't take up too much time and prevents us from doing what we want to do together, and that I get to tease him about it thoroughly.  But that's how we are together. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 9:11:46 AM   
TotalState


Posts: 278
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline 		Just like many people in this thread are telling you, you should be talking with your sub about the issue that is bothering you.

If it were me, I wouldn't care one bit about cybering, but I would like to know if my sub were doing it. This is why we maintain absolute communication about all things, and ask each other questions freely, without fear of judgement.  It just makes plain old sense, in any kind of relationship.


_____________________________

Spanking with a smile, living with feeling.

(in reply to stylish)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 9:16:51 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		No. it's not polyamory. Poly is when you have a expressed knowing relationship with two or more people.  or the ability to love more than one person at a time. 
quote:

ORIGINAL: stylish

Also, would you feel like this is polyamorous, cheating or just a little bit of innocent fun?
Thanks for listening and any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

(in reply to stylish)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 10:01:22 AM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		If it bothers you, tell her to stop.

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to stylish)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 10:05:38 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		Gods, a sub / or anyone who is chatting, using the computer or even worse-cybering behind your/a lover's back? Simple, they are unfaithful.  If any man I knew had to ask such a question uh, he is not much of a man or a Dom.  Yank the comp or boot her out.

(in reply to Estring)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 10:07:24 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		When your cow stops producing and you want milk you have to get them from somewhere else. Looks like your sub is visiting the internet version of a 7/11 convenience store for some 'cyber' cream.

Here's your bigger problem...
quote:

I recently discovered that she has been cybering online with others and sharing fantasies with other Doms in the online community. 
If it was "just casual" or "just for fun" why did you have to "discover" it? Your sub seems to have some guilt and/or concern of the consequence of you finding out about her casual play or else no "discovery" would have occurred.
Having never experienced the world of cyber sex or cyber 'scening' I can't speak with any authority, but from what I read from advocates on CM, many long term serious passionate relationships began with "casual" cyber play.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 10:24:49 AM   
goalie62


Posts: 114
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		I have to admit that I would be furious.   I'd have to think for a couple days brfore I brought it up though so I could cool off.  I would consider disabling the internet for a couple days as a "message" that you know something is up.  It's kind of like my situation, after my last sub and I broke up, I discovered that she had opened an account here about 30 days after she took my collar.  I found it hurtful, disloyal, dishonest and disrespectful.  I'm still pretty hurt over it.

_____________________________

God, you have no idea how badly I want to put something profound here.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 10:32:35 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		30 days? nice, some people are back at it within 30 minutes LOL.


(in reply to goalie62)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 11:02:45 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: goalie62

I would consider disabling the internet for a couple days as a "message" that you know something is up. 


Why not just tell her something is up? Seems much more direct to me.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to goalie62)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 11:07:36 AM   
Hekaron


Posts: 15
Joined: 6/16/2007
Status: offline 		More than a few online 'Masters' start, as soon as they see fit, to tell submissives that they (the subs) would be better off with them. No concern whatsoever for the 'not looking, collared and claimed' signs in the profile.
Did your sub inform the other side about the fact that she is in a D/s relationship? If so, did those Doms show respect for that relationship? I tend to think that you, as her Dom, in this situation, have the right to see the chatlogs, if they exist. She should have informed you about beforehand, and asked your permission for such contacts. Of course all depends on the kind of relationship you are in and what agreements have been made.

I agree with Mercnbeth about the dangers of possible adverse developments in initially 'harmless' contacts. About one week ago I lost my love of ten years long, my sub, my slave, my business partner, my best friend to a man that shared an 'innocent' passion about shibari with her. I saw how thoroughly she enjoyed the suspensions and attention of the public in the dungeon. The endless daily chats did the rest. He gently manouvred her away from me and the rest is history that might provide you with a warning. Our relationship was not on the way out: a week before she fell for him, she asked me to marry her, telling me I was the love of her life on a daily basis.

To me, this cybering you write about signifies 'red flag'. Like some women I know, she might be in love with love (the romantic kind) and be longing for romance, whereever she can get it. My advice would be to act swiftly, stop her cybering and start your romancing. Ask yourself if the relationship has been taken somewhat for granted, after the many years you have been together. This might be an opportunity. If she craves romance, provide it, and YOU will be her hero again.

Hope this works out for you!

Ron

(in reply to came4U)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 11:21:10 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I just read a bunch of lets instantly go to worse case scenario and deal with that because it makes me sound all tough and dominant.

How about before judgment first find out if she was actually hiding it or thought it was just no big deal like probably all the other things in EVERY relationship that people do without complete knowledge by their other like what radio station they listen to while driving in the car by themselves. I would like to point us girls like to share these things and maybe she just did not think it was a big deal and just because a dominant might think so does not make it she should have known better.

Instead of a chest thump who is more the perfect dominant how about if the OP finds out if this is a simple innocent diversion, a symptom to a bigger problem or just bothering and deal with it based on what they want.

My former Master did not want me to write about anything of this life on the Internet and I was perfectly fine with that. My current Master could care less. To each there own but they have something in common they would investigate before judging.



_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 11:22:48 AM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hekaron

More than a few online 'Masters' start, as soon as they see fit, to tell submissives that they (the subs) would be better off with them. No concern whatsoever for the 'not looking, collared and claimed' signs in the profile.
Did your sub inform the other side about the fact that she is in a D/s relationship? If so, did those Doms show respect for that relationship? I tend to think that you, as her Dom, in this situation, have the right to see the chatlogs, if they exist. She should have informed you about beforehand, and asked your permission for such contacts. Of course all depends on the kind of relationship you are in and what agreements have been made.

I agree with Mercnbeth about the dangers of possible adverse developments in initially 'harmless' contacts. About one week ago I lost my love of ten years long, my sub, my slave, my business partner, my best friend to a man that shared an 'innocent' passion about shibari with her. I saw how thoroughly she enjoyed the suspensions and attention of the public in the dungeon. The endless daily chats did the rest. He gently manouvred her away from me and the rest is history that might provide you with a warning. Our relationship was not on the way out: a week before she fell for him, she asked me to marry her, telling me I was the love of her life on a daily basis.

To me, this cybering you write about signifies 'red flag'. Like some women I know, she might be in love with love (the romantic kind) and be longing for romance, whereever she can get it. My advice would be to act swiftly, stop her cybering and start your romancing. Ask yourself if the relationship has been taken somewhat for granted, after the many years you have been together. This might be an opportunity. If she craves romance, provide it, and YOU will be her hero again.

Hope this works out for you!

Ron



If you lost your sub/best friend to someone on the internet or someone she played with once, there were other problems in the relationship. She sounds like someone you are better off without.
My slave gets offers all the time from so called Doms here on collarme and I am 100 percent certain that I will never lose her to one of them, nor will I catch her cybering.

< Message edited by Estring -- 9/5/2007 11:24:57 AM >

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to Hekaron)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 11:31:21 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hekaron

More than a few online 'Masters' start, as soon as they see fit, to tell submissives that they (the subs) would be better off with them. No concern whatsoever for the 'not looking, collared and claimed' signs in the profile.
Did your sub inform the other side about the fact that she is in a D/s relationship? If so, did those Doms show respect for that relationship? I tend to think that you, as her Dom, in this situation, have the right to see the chatlogs, if they exist. She should have informed you about beforehand, and asked your permission for such contacts. Of course all depends on the kind of relationship you are in and what agreements have been made.

I agree with Mercnbeth about the dangers of possible adverse developments in initially 'harmless' contacts. About one week ago I lost my love of ten years long, my sub, my slave, my business partner, my best friend to a man that shared an 'innocent' passion about shibari with her. I saw how thoroughly she enjoyed the suspensions and attention of the public in the dungeon. The endless daily chats did the rest. He gently manouvred her away from me and the rest is history that might provide you with a warning. Our relationship was not on the way out: a week before she fell for him, she asked me to marry her, telling me I was the love of her life on a daily basis.

To me, this cybering you write about signifies 'red flag'. Like some women I know, she might be in love with love (the romantic kind) and be longing for romance, whereever she can get it. My advice would be to act swiftly, stop her cybering and start your romancing. Ask yourself if the relationship has been taken somewhat for granted, after the many years you have been together. This might be an opportunity. If she craves romance, provide it, and YOU will be her hero again.

Hope this works out for you!

Ron


People do not fall out of love by finding someone they love more and replacing them. The damage to their relationship was present and therefore a person who does end falling for another whether from innocent cyber to not innocent cyber to real time or just to real time the old fashion way. I look down on this as much as anyone but it does not replace the fact that a person does not stray from a good and healthy relationship by getting lured or out of boredom.

I am reading a lot of trust is a one way street and I cannot trust my submissive in these post and would remind many that trust is a two way street and not just when playing with the toys a submissive needs to trust their dominant.

I am sorry but this post and a few others smacks of submissive equal weak and lesser human beings who cannot be trusted that some other dominant equals strong and dangerous can hurt her, you and us.

I have zero issues with a dominant not wanting a submissive to be online like this but the B.S. of the self righteousness of the reasons clouds the real reasons whether there is a bigger problem or it is insecurity of the dominant which also does not have to be a bad thing but just the way it is.





_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to Hekaron)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 12:00:39 PM   
wittman40


Posts: 29
Joined: 8/4/2007
Status: offline 		A few points:

1. People who cheat, in my experience, generally cheat for two reasons:
a) they have always and will always cheat and are generally incapable of monogamy
b) the current relationship isn't giving them something they need and they seek it elsewhere.

2. Talk to her about it. It doesn't sound like she is the incapable of monogamy type so if there is an issue ( and there may not be, you might just be taking excessive counsel of your fears ) it may be something you can work on IF you communicate about it. You and she cannot make "best practice" decisions if you don't have the information required to make those decisions. Perhaps she is just chatting and being friends but being open ( I wouldn't have a problem with that ), perhaps she is going farther than you are comfortable but sees no harm in it ( again, communication will help here ) or, perhaps, she is cybering and there are emotions involved and it is cheating in all but the real world ( a much larger issue).  No matter what the case is talking to her about it will help you, as a couple, work things out. If there's nothing there to save then at least you'll know, if she's made an error of judgement then you can set her right and things can carry on from there, if she hasn't done what you think she's done then your fears can be allayed. Communication in this, as in most things, is the key.

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 12:44:21 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		For us, it's cheating.

But, and this is the important part, we discussed this ahead of time and agreed not to, either of us. Apparently you folks didn't talk about this. So it's time to figure out what you feel. Because if you feel it's cheating and she doesn't agree you've found a major incompatibility. Now if it's because she really enjoys the flirting/cyber sex and you two don't do it anymore, then time to make a cyber date and not discuss work, commuting, weird noises the car makes etc during the sacred hour.

Communication time here.

(in reply to wittman40)
Profile   Post #: 20
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