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Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 9:04:20 AM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

Has anyone been involved in a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it?

I met a Domme through here. Turns out, she only lived like... 45 minutes away by train (I live in upstate NY, about 45-60 north of NYC - travelling down to the city wouldn't have been a problem) We've known each other for quite a while.. If I had to say, I'd say somewhere between 8-14 months. We get along great - always cracking jokes, having talks about "serious" stuff - Lifestyle, life in general, work/careers, etc etc. We have similar interests - entertainment (We both like playing online RPGS - Diablo 1/2, Final Fantasy, etc) music, etc.

Now, there's one thing you have to take into consideration, and I've wondered if this caused me to be blind (You'll see what I'm talking about in a sec).

I'm a "virgin".

No, not a sexual virgin.

I've never been collared. I've never scened. I've never had a relationship with a Domme before. Never been to a fetish club. I've never "played" before. So as you can see, I definitely fall under the "inexperienced" side of things..

I'll admit. I developed some feelings for her... to the point where, I wanted her to be my "first" (for lack of a better term) I told her this, and she said she felt honored.

We never met though, probably because to some self confidence issues I have with myself regarding my physical appearence. (don't really want to get into specifics) Suffice it to say, I never met her F2F, not specifically due to these, but they definitely carried a lot of weight in not doing so.

Well.. a few months back, she told me that she met someone, and he is now her sub, and I kinda felt betrayed. We have talked about me becoming hers, but it never escalated into something other than talking.

Truth be told... I feel kinda betrayed.

Has anyone else experienced this? If you are a Dom/Domme, how have you handled this?

Thank you in advance for your replies.

V.

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

Post #: 1

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 9:14:05 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I suppose I understand your feelings, but they really are yours to deal with. She's done nothing wrong- and in fact she's done just about everything right from what I can see.

Feel free to say "I am hurt because I really hoped we could have something, but I understand my own lack of confidence let me drop the ball on this and I hope you are happy and that we can still be friends."

Saying anything other than that will pretty much get you put in the "see you later dork" pile.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 2

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 9:17:10 AM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

I do agree with me being the one that dropped the ball... But I also wondered if I might have been blind as well...wanting to not be so inexperienced, to the point where I would have let anyone um.... deflower me? I guess..

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 3

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 9:23:33 AM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

Works this way in any sort of thing-"you snooze,you lose."

How did I handle it when it happened to me? I got over myself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

Has anyone been involved in a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it?

I met a Domme through here. Turns out, she only lived like... 45 minutes away by train (I live in upstate NY, about 45-60 north of NYC - travelling down to the city wouldn't have been a problem) We've known each other for quite a while.. If I had to say, I'd say somewhere between 8-14 months. We get along great - always cracking jokes, having talks about "serious" stuff - Lifestyle, life in general, work/careers, etc etc. We have similar interests - entertainment (We both like playing online RPGS - Diablo 1/2, Final Fantasy, etc) music, etc.

Now, there's one thing you have to take into consideration, and I've wondered if this caused me to be blind (You'll see what I'm talking about in a sec).

I'm a "virgin".

No, not a sexual virgin.

I've never been collared. I've never scened. I've never had a relationship with a Domme before. Never been to a fetish club. I've never "played" before. So as you can see, I definitely fall under the "inexperienced" side of things..

I'll admit. I developed some feelings for her... to the point where, I wanted her to be my "first" (for lack of a better term) I told her this, and she said she felt honored.

We never met though, probably because to some self confidence issues I have with myself regarding my physical appearence. (don't really want to get into specifics) Suffice it to say, I never met her F2F, not specifically due to these, but they definitely carried a lot of weight in not doing so.

Well.. a few months back, she told me that she met someone, and he is now her sub, and I kinda felt betrayed. We have talked about me becoming hers, but it never escalated into something other than talking.

Truth be told... I feel kinda betrayed.

Has anyone else experienced this? If you are a Dom/Domme, how have you handled this?

Thank you in advance for your replies.

V.

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 4

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 9:49:22 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

I do agree with me being the one that dropped the ball... But I also wondered if I might have been blind as well...wanting to not be so inexperienced, to the point where I would have let anyone um.... deflower me? I guess..

Yes...you did drop the ball. Blind to what exactly? Just because you two didn't specifically discuss how long she would wait for you, doesn't mean she was gonna wait forever...gee whiz buddy.....

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 5

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 9:53:37 AM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

I do agree with me being the one that dropped the ball... But I also wondered if I might have been blind as well...wanting to not be so inexperienced, to the point where I would have let anyone do it...I guess..

Yes...you did drop the ball. Blind to what exactly? Just because you two didn't specifically discuss how long she would wait for you, doesn't mean she was gonna wait forever...gee whiz buddy.....

Meh.
It's been bolded and reworded.

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 6

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 1:27:21 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

You overinvested and went far beyond what happens if we meet for coffee. No different from a girl being asked out by a boy and worrying about how her parents would take it if she married someone from another religion, when they hadn't even walked across for pizza and to talk privately for an hour.

Next time don't go imagining that she'll be the one to do all these things you've imagined/dreamed of/feared to you. Just figure out if you can afford to waste half an hour in Starbucks.

You dropped the ball by allowing your fears of the future to overshadow the present. No matter how nice she was online, you first have to meet face to face and see if you feel the same. Or maybe you discover she looks like the bearded lady from the circus or is actually an old babysitter of yours. Just focus on whether or not you think there's enough to talk about for half an hour. If that goes well, then the next time you spend an hour and a half having lunch. And so on. By the time you get to playing, you'll know you like her as a friend. And if along the way you discover you don't want her as a friend, then don't continue.

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 7

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 1:38:47 PM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

You overinvested and went far beyond what happens if we meet for coffee. No different from a girl being asked out by a boy and worrying about how her parents would take it if she married someone from another religion, when they hadn't even walked across for pizza and to talk privately for an hour.

Next time don't go imagining that she'll be the one to do all these things you've imagined/dreamed of/feared to you. Just figure out if you can afford to waste half an hour in Starbucks.

You dropped the ball by allowing your fears of the future to overshadow the present. No matter how nice she was online, you first have to meet face to face and see if you feel the same. Or maybe you discover she looks like the bearded lady from the circus or is actually an old babysitter of yours. Just focus on whether or not you think there's enough to talk about for half an hour. If that goes well, then the next time you spend an hour and a half having lunch. And so on. By the time you get to playing, you'll know you like her as a friend. And if along the way you discover you don't want her as a friend, then don't continue.

We talk on the phone regularly still...we're still friendly in that respect...But I don't understand what you mean when you said that I overinvested?

Generally, when me and Her talk, its for a very long time - sometimes She'll ask me about specs on a piece of electronics equipment She's thinking about purchasing, or she'll point out corsets to me, and I'll point out several back to her, while talking about a variety of subjects..

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 8

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 1:49:32 PM

michaels4evr

Posts: 184
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline

This is precisely why I would never invest in a long term relationship over the internet and/or phone. I prefer to meet someone face to face rather quickly, if even just for coffee.

I am sorry you got hurt. Learn from your error, and move on.

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 9

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 1:51:58 PM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaels4evr

This is precisely why I would never invest in a long term relationship over the internet and/or phone. I prefer to meet someone face to face rather quickly, if even just for coffee.

I am sorry you got hurt. Learn from your error, and move on.

Thanks, but like I said, I'm not really hurt anymore, we're still friendly, and are definitely making plans to hang out sometime soon.

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to michaels4evr)

Post #: 10

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 3:15:23 PM

sapphirepleasure

Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

You overinvested and went far beyond what happens if we meet for coffee. No different from a girl being asked out by a boy and worrying about how her parents would take it if she married someone from another religion, when they hadn't even walked across for pizza and to talk privately for an hour.

Next time don't go imagining that she'll be the one to do all these things you've imagined/dreamed of/feared to you. Just figure out if you can afford to waste half an hour in Starbucks.

You dropped the ball by allowing your fears of the future to overshadow the present. No matter how nice she was online, you first have to meet face to face and see if you feel the same. Or maybe you discover she looks like the bearded lady from the circus or is actually an old babysitter of yours. Just focus on whether or not you think there's enough to talk about for half an hour. If that goes well, then the next time you spend an hour and a half having lunch. And so on. By the time you get to playing, you'll know you like her as a friend. And if along the way you discover you don't want her as a friend, then don't continue.

We talk on the phone regularly still...we're still friendly in that respect...But I don't understand what you mean when you said that I overinvested?

Generally, when me and Her talk, its for a very long time - sometimes She'll ask me about specs on a piece of electronics equipment She's thinking about purchasing, or she'll point out corsets to me, and I'll point out several back to her, while talking about a variety of subjects..

To me, in this case overinvesting means that you built 'castles in the air' without being willing to take the next step in actually meeting and dealing with the reality of each other and seeing if there was potential for it to become something more than chat friends.

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 11

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 3:36:38 PM

asubmissiveheart

Posts: 462
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline

Dude? you snooze you loose.
Why should any woman wait months, even years for you to get up enough
courage to meet her?

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 12

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 3:52:48 PM

Babybass

Posts: 230
Joined: 7/30/2007
Status: offline

I have found in life generally that you cannot invest too much in what people say. Generally when people say something they do mean it at that time, but in reality it may work out differently - but it doesn't mean that at the time they weren't sincere. I have done it myself!! for example - if someone promises to meet you this week but it never transpires - work and family commitments intrude - then you have to accept that they were sincere when they said that they would meet up but that it just never happened. I suppose what I am saying is that personally I have found it helpful to accept peoples best intentions but to never have expectations of them actually happening - unless there is a deffinate plan in place. People will say a lot but reality is never as pretty as the picture we have painted. That does not mean that we should doubt everything people say - we should accept that they mean it - but unless there is a definate timeline we should have absolutely no expectations of others based on their words.
That may seem negative - but it has helped me as I used to always invest a lot in other peoples promises and then got very disillusioned when they didn't happen. This way I can accept the best in people while expecting nothing. Anything that does transpire is a bonus!!

_____________________________

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting" - e e cummings

(in reply to asubmissiveheart)

Post #: 13

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 5:40:09 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

What did you learn from this experience?..What will you do different the next time?..............Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 14

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 5:48:12 PM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

What did you learn from this experience?..What will you do different the next time?..............Tempting

To be like Nike - Just do it.

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 15

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 6:07:56 PM

mmb1

Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline

You snooze, you lose is looking like a good way to put it :)

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 16

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 6:17:59 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

What did you learn from this experience?..What will you do different the next time?..............Tempting

To be like Nike - Just do it.

See!,,you learned something new and pro-active...Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 17

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 6:28:45 PM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

What did you learn from this experience?..What will you do different the next time?..............Tempting

To be like Nike - Just do it.

See!,,you learned something new and pro-active...Tempting

I do that on occasion - provided its not beaten into me.

/end bad pun

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 18

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 10:07:37 PM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline

You feel betrayed? You're not a victim here. And it is probably just as well that you did not go through with it with her. Cause the "virginity" pressure is a lot to put on having some fun with someone. And I fear that whoever is the first one is gonna have to deal with you being all head over heals and deeply infatuated and thinking love. Which is a lot of pressure to put on a first encounter just getting to know each other. Maybe you could lighten up about it all. Just a bit. Just a bit of perspective.

You will probably find yourself talking ti quite a few over time. Talking about being someone's without first meeting, when you live so close, is probably not the best idea unless you are really clear it's fantasy at that point in time. Take it one day at a time. Stay in the present. And have fun. This is fun you know.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 19

RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 11:16:26 PM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: arayofsunshine55

You feel betrayed? You're not a victim here. And it is probably just as well that you did not go through with it with her. Cause the "virginity" pressure is a lot to put on having some fun with someone. And I fear that whoever is the first one is gonna have to deal with you being all head over heals and deeply infatuated and thinking love. Which is a lot of pressure to put on a first encounter just getting to know each other. Maybe you could lighten up about it all. Just a bit. Just a bit of perspective.

You will probably find yourself talking ti quite a few over time. Talking about being someone's without first meeting, when you live so close, is probably not the best idea unless you are really clear it's fantasy at that point in time. Take it one day at a time. Stay in the present. And have fun. This is fun you know.

I think I might have mis-stated my original post... Not to sound disrespectful, but a fair amount of people think that we were only talking for a few days. This was not the case. We were talking for quite a while... We still are talking.... We had made arraingements to meet on a few occasions, but, either I was self concious of some part of my physicality, or, a prior commitment came up (I am the technical support staff for an internet radio station - the website, as well as the individual dj's software setups are my responsibility - if something happens.. the website goes down, or one of the dj's cant access the database thats on both their pc or the websites database, I'm the person they come to) Either way, It wasn't like we had just started talking and getting to know each other.

As far as Her being the one that I wanted to have my first scene experience with, I JUST revealed that to Her, not even 2 weeks ago...and we have had a lot of contact prior to that.... so it's not like it was a spur of the moment idea for me.

Anyways.. it's ok. I still have her friendship, and I'd rather have that then nothing.

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to arayofsunshine55)

Post #: 20

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