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RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 11:28:15 PM   
onthenosetone


Posts: 118
Joined: 7/22/2006
Status: offline 		Maybe you should just view it as a lesson for if you do ever get together......ie:- she'll do as she pleases and if that makes her happy you'll learn to be happy for her.....just another way to think about it?

(in reply to blackpearl81)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/8/2007 11:54:10 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		betrayed: if you look at the emotion behind that word you will see that you expected things...you felt entitled.

expectation and entitlement are the root cause of much suffering, but in this case i dont think that that is why you are suffering, i think you are feeling deep sadness and regret but not really wanting to own those feelings because to do so would mean getting really real with the statement "i dropped the ball"

i would suggest you dont feel betrayed you actually feel sad and hurt and its mostly at yourself because you have allowed your fears to trump your happiness...

being a virgin is scary, being shy is scary, making the first move is scary and being rejected is scary....but its even more scary to stagnate in suffering


_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




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RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/9/2007 4:46:07 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Are you kidding me?  You have issues dude.  And you need to resolve them BEFORE you attempt to do anything.  How is she going to be your first if you won't meet her?  In fact, how could anyone be your first?  And how do YOU feel betrayed?  She moved on with her life...I suggest you do the same. 

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RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/9/2007 6:55:13 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		What we're saying is that you can't know if she really is the person you would like to have your first experience with if you have never met her. She could turn out to be the girl who told you off when you hit on her in high school. Or look just like your mother. People have gone to first meets and discovered the person they were talking to was the kid next door when they grew up.

Don't decide that you want to do anything with someone you've never met except meet them. Putting future expectations on the meet makes it more difficult to get up the courage to go and meet. And that's what we mean by overinvesting.

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RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/9/2007 7:12:01 AM   
blackpearl81


Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for your replies.



_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

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RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/9/2007 9:08:42 AM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

What we're saying is that you can't know if she really is the person you would like to have your first experience with if you have never met her. She could turn out to be the girl who told you off when you hit on her in high school. Or look just like your mother. People have gone to first meets and discovered the person they were talking to was the kid next door when they grew up.

Don't decide that you want to do anything with someone you've never met except meet them. Putting future expectations on the meet makes it more difficult to get up the courage to go and meet. And that's what we mean by overinvesting.

Well stated.


_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

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RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/9/2007 9:55:59 AM   
RaynaSub


Posts: 185
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

Are you kidding me?  You have issues dude.  And you need to resolve them BEFORE you attempt to do anything.  How is she going to be your first if you won't meet her?  In fact, how could anyone be your first?  And how do YOU feel betrayed?  She moved on with her life...I suggest you do the same. 


I am with bandit on this one, did you expect her to wait years?
I don't see anything remotely related to betrayal in your OP.
Maybe you should replace the word "betrayed" with disappointed.
No one is obligated to wait for someone that is to scared to even meet them.

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RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/9/2007 9:59:42 AM   
TheIronHorse


Posts: 149
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RaynaSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

Are you kidding me?  You have issues dude.  And you need to resolve them BEFORE you attempt to do anything.  How is she going to be your first if you won't meet her?  In fact, how could anyone be your first?  And how do YOU feel betrayed?  She moved on with her life...I suggest you do the same. 


I am with bandit on this one, did you expect her to wait years?
I don't see anything remotely related to betrayal in your OP.
Maybe you should replace the word "betrayed" with disappointed.
No one is obligated to wait for someone that is to scared to even meet them.


I can understand a nervous newbie, but meeting someone, even a potential domme, in a vanilla setting is just like meeting for a blind date.   Dommes are people too. 

I sure as hell wouldnt wait 7 months to meet someone who lived only 45 minutes from me.

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RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/9/2007 10:02:22 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Exactly.  And until the OP gets over his aversion to meeting someone, he shouldn't expect much.  Most people don't want online or on the telephone.  Yeah, some do and maybe he ought to look for those.

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RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/9/2007 10:06:44 AM   
TheIronHorse


Posts: 149
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

Exactly.  And until the OP gets over his aversion to meeting someone, he shouldn't expect much.  Most people don't want online or on the telephone.  Yeah, some do and maybe he ought to look for those.


I may be reading a little much into the OP's posts, but I dont like all this ritualistic cyber-crap.  I did it when I was less experienced and I found it unfullfilling and a total waste of time.  Talk on the phone, then go meet.  Hours and hours of texting can  be summed up in 10 minutes of actual talk time.

You can find out in 5 minutes of sitting opposite someone at Starbucks than you can 7 months of cyber BS. 

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RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/9/2007 10:11:34 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		I agree 100%.  It may take some a bit longer to feel comfortable in meeting, but if you live close or can do it, a couple of weeks tops.  Any longer (without some really good reason why) and I figure we're never going to meet.

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RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/9/2007 10:24:20 AM   
TheIronHorse


Posts: 149
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

I agree 100%.  It may take some a bit longer to feel comfortable in meeting, but if you live close or can do it, a couple of weeks tops.  Any longer (without some really good reason why) and I figure we're never going to meet.


I did email and talk to someone for about 6 months.  We always talked about meeting, but there were always scheduling conflicts.  I cant say I would go that route again though.

(in reply to bandit25)
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RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/9/2007 10:25:35 AM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		I was lucky enough to have someone who was willing to be friends with me (notice I didn't use the verboten word "mentor" even though that's what it really was) when I was very new at all this. He emailed, talked on the phone, and snail-mailed with me for months before I ever had the guts to go to coffee with someone the first time. He helped me weed through the fakes and wanna-be's and commiserated with me when I was assaulted by someone I met here on Collar Me. He gave me the courage to finally do things for real that I had always wanted.

It's possible that your Domme friend is trying to do the same thing for you that my Dom friend did for me. Offer a little bit of dom-ing to help you grow to the point where you can actually meet someone and get some experience.

It's not really a betrayal but it can feel that way. The feelings can be real even when the reason for them is not. As long as you take what you are learning and find a way to use it to get beyond where you are at, you'll do fine. Hopefully your Domme friend will give you the gentle pushes you need to move on in your journey.

Just my thoughts.......

_____________________________

"cooking is my kink"

Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

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RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/9/2007 10:39:07 AM   
blackpearl81


Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TheIronHorse

quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

Exactly.  And until the OP gets over his aversion to meeting someone, he shouldn't expect much.  Most people don't want online or on the telephone.  Yeah, some do and maybe he ought to look for those.


I may be reading a little much into the OP's posts, but I dont like all this ritualistic cyber-crap.  I did it when I was less experienced and I found it unfullfilling and a total waste of time.  Talk on the phone, then go meet.  Hours and hours of texting can  be summed up in 10 minutes of actual talk time.

You can find out in 5 minutes of sitting opposite someone at Starbucks than you can 7 months of cyber BS. 



Think what you want. Whats "ritualistic cyber-crap" to you, may be fairly important to someone else. ie: getting to know someone well enough to find out if their even worth meeting F2F/IRL.

Secondly, I work 4 days a week, 12 hr days. That leaves friday, saturday, and sunday free to do what i need to do. If you count in all the "home related" bullshit - laundry, house cleaning, landscaping, etc etc. I'm pretty sure anyone can see where the 3 days i have free, rapidly dwindles down to 1, maybe 2 if i get lucky.


sublizzie -

Thank you very much for your reply.. You seem to have a further grasp on everything thats happened. In fact, the more I re-read your post, the more it seems that this is/was the case. Me and Her, we can (and do) still talk about a LOT of stuff, not neccesarily  lifestyle related. In fact, I'm yapping with her right now on yahoo.

Again, thank you very much for your reply.

Sincerely,

V.

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to TheIronHorse)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/9/2007 11:09:35 AM   
TheIronHorse


Posts: 149
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81


Think what you want. Whats "ritualistic cyber-crap" to you, may be fairly important to someone else. ie: getting to know someone well enough to find out if their even worth meeting F2F/IRL.


You have NO experience, zip, nada.  Your posts revolve around some fantasy  "domme" concept you have floating around in your head.

Too much cyber, too little real time, that is my diagnosis. 

(in reply to blackpearl81)
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RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/9/2007 11:23:10 AM   
blackpearl81


Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TheIronHorse

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81


Think what you want. Whats "ritualistic cyber-crap" to you, may be fairly important to someone else. ie: getting to know someone well enough to find out if their even worth meeting F2F/IRL.


You have NO experience, zip, nada.  Your posts revolve around some fantasy  "domme" concept you have floating around in your head.

Too much cyber, too little real time, that is my diagnosis. 



You're right, I don't have any experience.

I'm certaintly not going to let just anyone just do whatever the hell they want to me.

So sue me for being a bit wary after reading a few horror stories.

< Message edited by blackpearl81 -- 9/9/2007 11:25:51 AM >

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to TheIronHorse)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/9/2007 8:41:47 PM   
xkittenishx


Posts: 38
Joined: 7/20/2006
Status: offline 		So if somebody is new to the lifestyle they should take the ball and run with it as hard and fast as they can, exploring every dark recess of every fantasy they've ever had immediately so that they can catch up with us more seasoned folk?

It takes all kinds and exploring online is how many people started out - judging someone or offering advice to them after they've made a mistake is one thing but judging them for not having so much experience is a whole different thing and just down right kind of mean.

To the OP: You've made a mistake and you know that - the important thing is that you learn from it (which it appears you have.) and continue on.

(in reply to TheIronHorse)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/9/2007 9:19:07 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

Has anyone been involved in a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it? 

I met a Domme through here. Turns out, she only lived like... 45 minutes away by train (I live in upstate NY, about 45-60 north of NYC - travelling down to the city wouldn't have been a problem)  We've known each other for quite a while.. If  I had to say, I'd say somewhere between 8-14 months. We get along great - always cracking jokes, having talks about "serious" stuff - Lifestyle, life in general, work/careers, etc etc. We have similar interests - entertainment (We both like playing online RPGS - Diablo 1/2, Final Fantasy, etc) music, etc.

Now, there's one thing you have to take into consideration, and I've wondered if this caused me to be blind (You'll see what I'm talking about in a sec).

I'm a "virgin".

No, not a sexual virgin.

I've never been collared. I've never scened. I've never had a relationship with a Domme before. Never been to a fetish club. I've never "played" before. So as you can see, I definitely fall under the "inexperienced" side of things..

I'll admit. I developed some feelings for her... to the point where, I wanted her to be my "first" (for lack of a better term) I told her this, and she said she felt honored.

We never met though, probably because to some self confidence issues I have with myself regarding my physical appearence. (don't really want to get into specifics) Suffice it to say, I never met her F2F, not specifically due to these, but they definitely carried a lot of weight in not doing so.

Well.. a few months back, she told me that she met someone, and he is now her sub, and I kinda felt betrayed. We have talked about me becoming hers, but it never escalated into something other than talking.

Truth be told... I feel kinda betrayed.

Has anyone else experienced this? If you are a Dom/Domme, how have you handled this?

Thank you in advance for your replies.

V.


Hi V,

Being new to the lifestyle, doesn't make you new to life.  Frankly, put yourself in her shoes; an experienced dominant female, who probably can't spit without hitting a dozen grovelling submissives.  You never gave her the chance to really get to know you.  Were you hoping/expecting a cyber collar?  Would you have waited over a year before finally moving on?

Others have said it, so I'm sure this'll be lost in the mix.  You don't really know this woman.  You think you know her based on your many many months of virtual interaction.  You must learn that a cyber interaction is virtually worthless, unless you have reality to support it.

My advice: never, EVER go more than a month talking to someone online before meeting them.  In fact, if I was you, I'd be on that train twice a week to NYC and meet the people who do this stuff in real time.  You're not expected to play, especially as a newbie; you're expected to learn.  You can always use the word 'no.'

Own up to the responsibility of your inactions, of your fantasies, and start addressing what you need to do to make them reality.

Stephan


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/10/2007 8:35:38 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		V, It is great that you 2 are still friends and all that stuff.  The truth of the matter is you missed your chance.  She obviously wanted a sub and she found one that was willing to meet her in person.  Sure it is nerve wracking meeting somone for the  first time in person but it can be worth it.  I was a wreck when i met my Master for the first time but i got over it.  That i what you have to do fine feel the nerves but don't let then control you.

Matt's littleone

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Feeling betrayed? - 9/10/2007 10:34:31 AM   
FullfigRIMaam


Posts: 718
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81
I do agree with me being the one that dropped the ball... But I also wondered if I might have been blind as well...wanting to not be so inexperienced, to the point where I would have let anyone um.... deflower me? I guess..
I don't believe you were blind at all.   I think you met a lady who was a great potential for you, and you decided to remain a dork online playing games literally (and I mean that in the nicest way possible, lol), so she decided to get on with life.
I don't think you should feel betrayed at all because of her actions.  She didn't do anything wrong...  This was all your fault, and it will be a learning experience if you look in the mirror instead of her to blame.   I think you should smack yourself for being a butthead in this case and not moving your butt offline to show her you were willing to try and become hers.   M

_____________________________

"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

(in reply to blackpearl81)
Profile   Post #: 40
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