Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (Full Version)

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deniseiscrazy -> Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/8/2007 9:34:12 AM)

I just wanted to know if anybody out there had any sort of abuse in their childhood or more likely teenage years that made them feel drawn to bdsm. I do not want this to be a place where people put up crazy fantasies about chaining up 12yr old girls in the basement.

Why I'm asking this is that between the ages oflike 11-16 I was basically brainwashed and I was controlled physically,  mentally and sexually. I wasn't beaten or anything like that, but then again I never really gave him a reason to do that because I always did what I was told and kept our secret.

If you want to email me please put something about this post in the header email, as I get ALOT of emails from creepy people and I don't want to skip over an email from you about this.






SirDraco7 -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/8/2007 9:50:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: deniseiscrazy
I wasn't beaten or anything like that, but then again I never really gave him a reason to do that because I always did what I was told and kept our secret.



Well, if this still affects you and bothers you you can give up the secret and tell now.
It's been 3 years, I don't think the statue of limitations has expired yet for crimes of that nature.   So please take that into consideration.

The thing is people who abuse in any way never need a reason.  He might not have beaten you because you didn't tell on him, but he didn't have a reason to sexually or mentally abuse you either.

From my experience, childhood experiences do tend to affect how a person is in adulthood.
But you have to be careful.
Look at yourself.  Are you drawn to BDSM and submission because that is what you KNOW you like and enjoy?

Or are you drawn to it because of your past experience and it's the type of treatment that you have gotten used to?
If you are not careful, you can fall into a rut and get involved with another abusive man, and somehow think it's 'right'.

It might seem stupid, but I've seen more than one woman who were abused as children fall into such a path.

Just a couple thoughts to perhaps help.  :)



breatheasone -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/8/2007 9:52:41 AM)

Yes, I have sexual abuse in my childhood, however I don't believe it has much to do with my attraction to BDSM.



iammachine -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/8/2007 10:19:54 AM)

I won't go into details, but yeah, I have a history. I don't consider myself a victim, hence I just mention it as being a part of my history. I don't attribute my experiences at all to why I am attracted to BDSM, aside from maybe a bit of the structure in regards to consent. I'm rather rabid about consent. I do believe that events in my life have definitely coloured how I react to things, and have given shape a bit to who I am today in terms of my being very cautious. But again, that's just personal details, as opposed to motivations towards BDSM.



e01n -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/9/2007 2:09:00 AM)

I wouldn't call it abuse, but my father spanking me with a wooden paddle as punishment is very much why I don't like wooden paddles now.

I can say that I was exposed to sex at a very early age and to a certain extent it's been both harmful and hurtful with WIITWD. Helpful, in that I moved from the goofy "she's nekkid!" to "she's beautiful" long in advance of other men my age and now am a totally jaded decadent. Harmful, in that I've experimented widely and am less inclined to try things that might be new to you but are definitely not fun for me (look me up on b.com's checklist to get an idea). Also harmful in that I often find myself growing very arrogant and pretentious in that same situation.

When I've played with others who have a greater history of abuse, I'm almost always finding that there's something I'll do that triggers the flood of emotions and memories. It's become so common that it's not a matter of "if" but "when" for me and so I prepare accordingly. It's part of why I'm often fairly distant until that gets sorted a bit...



Maya2001 -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/9/2007 7:07:45 AM)

It is a lot more common than you may think about 1 in 10 females are sexually abused before the age of 18, the most common way that people seal with is to bury it, some can successfully do but most will suffer from post traumatic stress disorders later on in life

http://www.rainn.org/statistics/effects-of-rape.html   my suggestion would be to seek help now and also to report , it is still rape since you were not of consenting age and you are not at fault as you were not old/mature enough to make those kind of decisions yourself, and start thinking of yourself as a survivor not a victim important in healing. 



deniseiscrazy -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/9/2007 1:57:12 PM)

Thanks for getting back to me. The reason the abuse stopped was because e died and I honestly didnt' really think that bringing up all of what happened to me two years later (after I was adjusted) would have really solved anything. I'm just not strong enough to go through the hell of all of that just to tell people that a dead person was the devil.

I also know that there is a distinct difference between bdsm & abuse, but the same elements are in both, its just how its done. For the same reason rape is different from rough sex, bdsm bondage is different from tying up a teenage girl.



curiouspet55 -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/10/2007 10:11:44 AM)

I have experiences of abuse, both sexual and emotional. The abuses have nothing to do with my interest in D/s. All of our experiences shape our personality, and while the emotional situations I was in have affected me, they are not the only thing that has, and they haven't affected me more than any other one event has.

cp55



jaxnsax -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/10/2007 10:21:50 AM)

Greetings
There is no abuse in my past; though I did grow up in foster homes in which there was not a lot of…shall we say, parental or family support.
I suppose one could say that my past helped lead me to BDSM and M/s relationships; but not for the physical aspects of it. I enjoy the controlling atmosphere that a M/s dynamic entails; most probably for it’s stability in most cases.
jaxon



submissiveness -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/10/2007 10:26:19 AM)

Yes there was abuse in my childhood.  I think in some odd way thats why I'm drawn to this lifestyle.   It seems to be where I fit, I suppose.
I was abused by my father,  physically and sexually.  Something happens to your mind when you endure that as a child. 



IvyMorgan -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/10/2007 1:49:52 PM)

Yes, there was abuse in my childhood.  And, yes, that's affected me.  So does the choice of school my parents made, and the holidays we went on, and the books I read.  The point is, that many, many things affect you growing up.

Clear communication with your partner(s) is a wonderful thing, and an important one.  That and making sure you trust them enough to stop, and they know you well enough to read when they should.



deniseiscrazy -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/14/2007 1:45:09 PM)

At least I know I'm not alone, I emailed a few of the people on here but did't get a reply, if any of you want to talk just send me a msg



lateralist1 -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/14/2007 2:40:19 PM)

Yes I was sexual abused.
The sexual control excercised can become a habit.
Becoming a Domme has helped me break the cycle.
I would like to see my abusers behind bars but I couldn't cope with it.
I have already been made very ill by getting the sack for my profile on here.
Even after telling my family about what happened they are still welcomed by them.
That hurts worse than the original abuse.
The feelings of worthlessness isn't helped by the general sexism that prevails in society. I didn't expect to encounter it within BDSM but if anything it's worse.



HollyBlue -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/15/2007 3:37:23 AM)

I was never physically or sexually abused, but I was emotionally abandoned, and lost my mother to breast cancer when I was 14, after she fought a long and harrowing battle with the disease.

I remember reading in "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" that BDSM Players are no more likely than anyone else to have been abused -- we come from all kinds of backgrounds and walks of life.

I would guess some mental health professionals would like to believe that abuse causes Dominance, submissiveness, sadism, and masochism, because they see these tendencies as pathological and not as natural expressions of sexuality and love.

I view my masochistic submissiveness simply as a sexual orientation, and I suspect it's similar to what has been discovered in studies about homosexuality -- sexual orientation seems to be more nature (genetics) than nurture (environment).



Kellendra -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/15/2007 6:00:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Yes, I have sexual abuse in my childhood, however I don't believe it has much to do with my attraction to BDSM.


What lovely breatheasone said....



Manawyddan -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/15/2007 6:49:35 AM)

I've never reached any definite conclusions regarding whether my abuse history 'caused' my bdsm. I'm fairly certain I'm the only survivor in my family, and that I'm also the only kinky person.

It has occured to me that at some psychological level I wanted to be sure I was the one in control when I had sex, so as not to be in a vulnerable position again, which is why I became a Top. But that all may be rationalisation, who knows?

Feel free to mail me if you wish.



subsnow -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/15/2007 7:05:20 AM)

I was mentally and emotionally abused between the ages of 6 and 17. My stepfather was VERY controlling. We have lots of alcholism in the family too which I think has something to do with my interests. Maybe it's because my stepfather said he did what he did because he loved us so now I connect love with control. I am now coming to terms with what happened though and I'm furious with him for how he treated me. This seems to be having an effect on my interests now. I used to love and understand the D/s lifestyle but now I just don't get why someone would want to be controlled like that. What used to turn me on is now starting to turn me off. I'm connecting control with abuse. I wish that I could think of it differently though. I know it's not abuse in a D/s relationship but it was in my parent's relationship. I can't get that through my head.

I feel as if I wanted a D/s relationship because that's what I was used to. Now that I'm working through my past issues, I'm starting to "outgrow" the D/s relationship. I'm learning that things CAN be equal. I CAN take control of my life and my ideas aren't worthless. I still get a thrill out of being controlled though. I prefer it to be kept in the bedroom these days.

As for my masochistic tendencies, I don't think that has anything to do with my past. It just makes me feel good.



DominicsJoy -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/15/2007 9:42:54 AM)

I was abused by a sibling. Back in the days before Phil Donahue (one of the first talk shows on the scene, and one of the first to bring hard things like domestic violence to light)... no one spoke of domestic violence or abuse. It was handled quietly in the house, and everyone either denied it or had a stiff upper lip and dealt with it accordingly.
Sibling abuse is still not discussed much, most people just label it as sibling rivalry, but this went far beyond that. It left bruises, welts and damage that went deeper than a simple bruise. I was submissive before I am sure, but this made me retreat and create my own safe haven. My parents denied the issue (this was some 40 years ago... yes, I am old) and there were no systems in place to address it. It went on until I got married and moved out of the house. Several years later he was diagnosed as being a violent pschizophrenic. It was never sexual, though I suffered more because I did fight against it becoming that way. He tried his best to kill me, (two to three times that I know of) and with a nice set of hand prints he left behind on one attempt I was able to document it in a police log. That is the only way I had of protecting myself. Knowing that if I showed up dead, his name would be associated with the possibility.
I am fine, but do wonder often if this did not have an influence. I will tell you that to this day I cannot take a great deal of pain or humiliation, and breath play is very light and cautious.
As in all things, honesty is the key. Talk to your Master, Dom or play partner. They should be the first to know of your past. Baggage is not necessarily bad, as long as you know what it is you are dealing with in advance.
Best of luck to you all.



grlneedstolearn -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/15/2007 4:32:59 PM)

i won't talk about it here, but if you want to know i will tell you some stuff about it off this site. But i did have a bad teenage year and yes in a way it did draw me to it. But i also know what your going through and i am sorry, me though i'm still getting over it, which is why i'm happy i have my Dom to talk to.
     Take care



laurell3 -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/15/2007 4:42:51 PM)

There are two posts going of this nature right now that are very similar.  I believe our definition of sexuality is formed at a young age, so yes, I think childhood abuse or difficulty may most likely be the cause of attraction to bdsm.  If one is recreating abuse to relive a bad childhood, obviously this is not healthy.  If one is looking for a healthy, caring, committed relationship (and no I dont necessarily mean marriage), that includes bdsm, I think this can be healthy, depending on how it makes you feel, only you know what is healthy or not for you, no one else.
l 



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