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RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 7:14:11 AM   
yrstocollar


Posts: 95
Joined: 8/14/2006
Status: offline 		It's no different than someone calling you a "slut" when you won't sleep with them... it doesn't actually follow logically and it's just their immature response to rejection. I doubt you'd want a Dom who can be so easily gotten to and with that little self control anyway.

To me... your "standards" just sound like your "limits". Which is frankly exactly what you should be stating at the outset and it makes you a more responsible, intelligent, honest and safer person to play with.

I get the concept of wanting someone with more money than you and don't think stating this has anything to do with being a gold digger. Being in a relationship with a Dom who has less money certainly has the potential to subtley (or not so) shift the power balance... even more so if you view this as an important symbol of power. I think some people could manage this issue or even turn it around... but if you don't... fair enough to say it from the beginning.

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 7:14:12 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		Go for what you want-be prepared to wait if you set the bar too high.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to Kelika)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 7:20:27 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kelika

I’ve come across something on a pretty regular basis around here and even offline at munches or bashes and I wondered if it was just me or what other’s thoughts on it were.  I have pretty high demands of the type of man that I need in my life.  By that I mention in my journal that he has to be fit (I’m not talking Adonis here, but I don’t want someone that cannot master their own health, the part they have control over), that he needs to make more money than I do and that it’s only fair to give me a picture because I have several available and that he has to be intelligent.


Now, what I find interesting about this, and question, is why I am called bratty or not really submissive when I have placed these standards?  I see it like this…I place high demands upon myself and need a man in my life who can lead by example of high demands that he places upon himself and then would also place them upon me. 


Well... I wouldn't call you bratty... and calling you submissive seems to be just as silly to me... you a person... a person that may or maynot be worth getting to know.   And it's actually getting to know you that would establish more and deeper understanding of who you are and the appropriate labels from my perspective.  This is not to say that you would agree with the perspective.  However, if you do agree.. chances are we developed a friendship... if we don't chances are we not going to have much of a relationship.

as far as your standards.. I would call them shallow.  I can give you all sorts of guys that would fit those standards... but 99% of them would be ill suit for you... in fact they would be a complete turn-off.   It's that 1% that you are looking for... and frankly one will go alot deeper than the standards you address here in your OP. 

Then their is a question.... does the shallow standards disqualify some very possible matches...  Answer is.. most likely... particularly the money one....  But...  Shallow standards are means to sift quickly through the chaft and wheat.  It is invitable that some wheat will go out with the chaft... but... with less chaft... much easier to see the wheat.

I hope that you have a deeper understanding of what you lookin for than just these standards you share.... if you don't.. then I would call you "shallow"... but I suspect you have more... and frankly these deepers standards are of alot more importance.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Kelika)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 7:39:03 AM   
ArgoGeorgia


Posts: 256
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Atlanta, Georgia
Status: offline 		Absolutely nothing wrong with having standards.  In fact, anyone who did NOT exercise care and show some standards in their decisions would give me pause.  I might wonder if they actually cared for themselves, suffered from a profound lack of confidence, etc.  To show no regards to one's own needs and a lack of standards is sad, really.  And it is definitely not being bratty.

And what's wrong with being bratty anyways?  I like a good challenge.

_____________________________

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. No, seriously. They have t-shirts for everything nowadays.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 7:42:54 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		I have my shallow ideas of what I want as well. (for instance, I set what comes up in a search at 160 pounds minimum. And no, I am not obese.) But that's always going to be my issue-and pretty much related to play-since I like shibari of a certain kind-and need a specific type for it.

At the same time-I need to have someone I like -who is fun, and can be trusted. But I'm willing to wait-I can be happy without someone else. So I can sympathize with the op.....to a point.  OP, do you match what you desire?

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 7:51:58 AM   
Kelika


Posts: 56
Joined: 4/25/2006
From: Cincinnati
Status: offline 		Greetings,

LeatherBentOne, you wondered why I say that he has to make more money than I do?  The response is quite simple.  I was in a natural D/s relationship for 12 years with my ex...before I knew what BDSM, D/s and M/s was.  There were points where I made more money and it was VERY hard on our relationship.  It hurt my ex's ego.  So, I base it on my personal experience. 

They say one of the reason why people argue or have failed relationships is because of money; and after being in a relationship where I made more money I can see that being part of the issue. 

It probably has to do with money=power that was mentioned above...I'm not for sure since I'm not a man; so I can only take a guess. 

My ex felt that I wasn't being "taken care of" when I made more money and I'm sure it has to go back to my old fashion wants and desires that the man is the leader in the relationship and I am the follower. 

And, Phin...*smiles*.  I said fit, but as my profile says it's more about the confidence than anything.  When I say fit I don't mean a God as I said.  I am not a Goddess, but I have lost over a 100 pounds the old fashion way...diet and exercise.  I was bordering on being diabetic, so I took my health into my own hands.  I am still overweight a descent amount, but I am healthy now.  I will continue to strive to be healthy and that is what I am looking for more than anything.  Is it hard work to be healthy?  Absofreakinlutely!  But the best things in life usually don't come easy or cheap.

Well wishes and thank you for the replies thus far...*smiles wide*

Kelika


_____________________________

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. ~ Anais Nin

(in reply to LeatherBentOne)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 7:59:00 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		Ms. Kelika:

I have gotten similar accusations for years.  Eventually, you can learn to laugh it off (as some said) as rejection-reaction.

My bar is too high.  Literally too, sometimes the kid puts my beer on shelves too high for me to reach now that he is a foot taller lol. Pfttt.

Don't settle out of lonliness or desperation is my only advice.

(in reply to Kelika)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 8:16:15 AM   
Kelika


Posts: 56
Joined: 4/25/2006
From: Cincinnati
Status: offline 		Greetings,

I get done writing one response and another several posts are here..*chuckles*.  I have been accussed of being shallow because of these things...BUT, the man that I last was very close to and asked for a collar of consideration was 61.  He was not in the age range I had wanted...but when I told him that bit and said that I could always use good strong male influences/friends in my life and asked him if he would be my friend, he stuck around.  He got to know me and then was able to get into my "emotional pants" and from that relationship is WHY I have the standards I do.  He was awesome on so many levels.  Sadly, there was someone in his life already and and she didn't want anyone else in it.

As far as other standards...absolutely.  He has to intelligent as I said first and foremost.  Enslavement starts with the mind and I like feeling little in the relationship.  There are gives and takes to intelligence.  I was told to read some books, and when I did I was able to have conversations about it and ask questions which led to me going to buy some more books about it.  This particular thing happened to have been about the Holocast and Hitler.  I -loved- learning things I didn't know about and that making him happy.  I want someone to push me in all areas of my life.

Of course he would have to have mastered his life, have good relationships with his children if he has them.  Want to learn new things in the lifestyle as I love going to classes and bashes and munches.  He has to "inspect what he expects" which basically means follow through. 

I put in a TON of effort into making the man I am talking to being happy, and I love to be acknowledged for that effort.  I love to lavish my man with attention to let him know that he is on my mind.  Through online since most start out with communication that way...it required a lot of time...and I -make- time for it because I want him to know that he is special to me and really put forth the effort to see if the relaitonship will work.

There is just a lot of it that goes into it, but always always ALWAYS, it is that mental bond with someone.  For me, it starts with the mind, moves to the heart and then to the soul.  I won't be a slave unless he is actively enslaving me. 

And RRafe, I think I do put the demands on myself that I expect of my dominant.  From what those that know me personally say, I will make someone a wonderful slave some day. 

Oh, I talk a lot...*winces*...

Well wishes,
Kelika


_____________________________

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. ~ Anais Nin

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 8:18:07 AM   
sapphirepleasure


Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
Status: offline 		I have recently revised and edited my profile to share more of my heart and what I seek.  I have gotten a lot of nice notes from dominants saying how something I've said spoke to them.  And then the other day, I got a bizarre email from someone saying, "I hope you don't nag your master as you seem to in your profile."  Wow, I was stunned.  I started to write back and ask him what I had said that he perceived as nagging but then I decided that there was no point--he was obviously projecting his own issues on me and no good could come from engaging in such a 'discussion'.  So I just didn't respond.

Sometimes what people say has more to do with their issues than with you, imho.

(in reply to came4U)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 8:19:45 AM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline 		Hello Kelika
I try to cut through all the rationales of humane behavior and BDSM chest pounding crap and go straight to the base animalistic level that is truly us. I think on a very basic level people are always aware of the look of themselves and others…often very self-conscious and insecure about their own looks.

Women think they are the only ones judged by their appearance… you are wrong. Men have just as much trouble being Brad Pit as women have being Angelina Jolie. Now think of this… a girl of average looks has no problem finding men, in fact they can be very choosey. That is not the case for the average man. They must be very creative in their approach to rise to the top of the suitors.  This is irritating but a fact of life.

Along comes a slightly overweight…if lovely… woman who in the men’s mind should not be rejecting men just on their looks. They feel they should not be setting standards for others they themselves are not meeting… they are overreacting and shallow but true to their…our nature.

Butch

< Message edited by kdsub -- 9/9/2007 8:22:29 AM >

(in reply to Kelika)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 8:20:45 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		In reality it seems that what you seek stems from the insecurities that you found in one particular person....Living in Chicago, I have dated women who made virtually nothing to those who made an absoloute pile of dough...Either way  there were never insecurities about cash....It is in fact easier to date a woman with a decent job..It means I'm not forced to pay for every single thing that is going to happen which has a cost attributed to it....It's too bad that you can't see the shortcomings of a prior partner and how those shortcomings have potentially skewed your views towards your future relationships. 

I enjoy the company of a healthy woman...Just because you recently decided to change your life could make one question where was your mindset previously that allowed you to take your health for granted in such a way that you became obese and showed signs of diabetes.  As most are aware many people who have momentarily changed their eating and excercise habits tend to revert back to "their old ways" in the future....Should a Dom be concerned about this when contacting you?

Or should they look for something more that is within you?

_____________________________



(in reply to came4U)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 8:33:34 AM   
Kelika


Posts: 56
Joined: 4/25/2006
From: Cincinnati
Status: offline 		Argo,....I do like being bratty sometimes...but that part comes out in the bedroom.  That way I can be shown my place a little more animalistically and in a fun way...*winks*.

Domiguy, you are right that most people gain their weight back.  I took it off slowly, meaning 4 years.  In that time period, I would hit plateaus at a size for awhile, so I would modify something else.

As far as where was my mind at before to cause me to be unhealthy...it was low self esteem for one.  Two, it was my partner being jealous if anyone looked at me and thus my partner became unhappy and I didn't want that so I made it so.  It wasn't, obviously, a healthy relationship in that manner and we did go to counceling for it. 

I am told since I have lost it the hard way and it's been years I stand a greater chance of keeping it off.  It doesn't mean it will be so, but that is why I go to the gym and I don't eat twinkies.  I know myself and my body doesn't process sugar well, and I keep my carbs down.  I do what I can to make sure that I don't go back up in size.  Thus far, I've been successful.  It does take work for me.




< Message edited by Kelika -- 9/9/2007 8:48:57 AM >

_____________________________

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. ~ Anais Nin

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 8:34:03 AM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline 		To the OP

Everybody has preferences. There's nothing wrong with that. Some people's bar is raised higher than with others and they'll just haver to wait longer for their preferences to be met.  Nothing wrong with that either. People who are so hurt by rejection that they have to lash out at the individual have their own burdens to bear. I actually kind of like when people reveal their inner asshole-ness like that to me. It saves me alot of time and effort weeding them out. But I'd never ever take anything they say to heart.

I hope you find what you are looking for 

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 8:40:12 AM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

 Come at me with eye-rolling, shoulder-shrugging, a big mouth, and poor attitude, then you still have the right of your desires, but don't expect me to see you as a submissive.
 




<stamps foot>

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 8:42:05 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		And here I thought you dated the bitches and hoes

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 8:46:47 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

And here I thought you dated the bitches and hoes


Shhhhh...It's very difficult to stalk them bitches and ho's when they know you are on their trail.....Shit, there ain't nothing wrong with doin a little ho hoppin'...It's fun.

_____________________________



(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 9:04:40 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kelika
LeatherBentOne, you wondered why I say that he has to make more money than I do?  The response is quite simple.  I was in a natural D/s relationship for 12 years with my ex...before I knew what BDSM, D/s and M/s was.  There were points where I made more money and it was VERY hard on our relationship.  It hurt my ex's ego.  So, I base it on my personal experience. 

They say one of the reason why people argue or have failed relationships is because of money; and after being in a relationship where I made more money I can see that being part of the issue. 

It probably has to do with money=power that was mentioned above...I'm not for sure since I'm not a man; so I can only take a guess. 

My ex felt that I wasn't being "taken care of" when I made more money and I'm sure it has to go back to my old fashion wants and desires that the man is the leader in the relationship and I am the follower. 


If this is your reason for wanting someone who makes more money than you do then I think you have chosen the wrong tool for the job.  The tool being someone who makes more money than you. 

If you want someone who isn't insecure about their finances and doesn't mark their value with how much they make relative to other people, then seek that type of person.  This standard gets to the heart of the issue and doesn't mask the issue by making sure they make more money than you do.

Create standards that get you the type of person you want and not standards that will just mask the issues that you are seeking to avoid. 

Do you really want someone who is insecure about money and measures their value by the bank account just because they make more money than you? 

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Kelika)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 9:06:17 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Hey.  I heard that ho hopping was replacing the pub crawl.

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 9:17:04 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		Kelika,

After reading your profile, I can say that I wouldn't term you as "bratty", although I would say that you  have a very clear idea fo the type of person you want and aren't afraid to say what that is.  However, the way you've worded your journal entries and your what you say about yourself, ie., your GPA, accomplishments, etc., is well, to put it gently, a bit over the top.  You might try toning the self-aggrandizing down some.

Putting it not so gently, if your profile was that of a dominant male, I would pass it by due to the large amount of ego displayed.  There's a point where it is no longer is self-confidence and it becomes a turn-off.

I don't mean to offend here, but I do think I see what the problem is and what might help you receive better responses.  I am not advocating you be anything other than who you are, just suggesting that you change your approach a little bit. 

Words have great meaning, perhaps greater meaning online, where all anyone sees of you is what you write.  It's important to make those words count.

< Message edited by feastie -- 9/9/2007 9:19:58 AM >

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Is it being "bratty" or having good self ... - 9/9/2007 9:36:31 AM   
Cyntilating


Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline 		kdsub
 
its interesting you say this [Now think of this… a girl of average looks has no problem finding men, in fact they can be very choosey. That is not the case for the average man. ]   because from my perspective ( being woman and a submissive )  I feel its just the opposite......my point being> it is about perspective ...and even how we perceive the others perspective at times.......dang that made my head hurt.
 

 
 

_____________________________

Cyndi

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to kdsub)
Profile   Post #: 40
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