Nosy Friends

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kossack -> Nosy Friends (9/9/2007 4:57:11 PM)
My closest friend knows I'm "not vanilla" but she doesn't really know what that means--she asked once if she was on top once with her husband, does that mean she wasn't vanilla also. I'm just not comfortable having the conversation with her about wiitwd. It isn't her business, and I don't pry about what she does in bed. I'm VERY private. She, over the last 2 years or so, has gotten a lot more demanding about the kinds of details she wants. I'm getting more and more uncomfortable with the persistence of her questions. I don't ask her about what she does in bed and she isn't taking my gracious changing of subjects as much. I've told her I don't want to talk about it, but somehow, me having a different orientation means she feels like it is fair game, even though she never talks about her sex life. I love her dearly--we've been friends for over 20 years. How do I tell her to back off? I'm getting frustrated. Anyone have any similar experiences?

AquaticSub -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/9/2007 5:05:18 PM)
If you just never want to talk about your sex life, tell her as politely as possible that your sex life is simply not up as a topic of discussion. If she persists, try telling her that you just don't want to be around her if she can't respect this. Or, if you would feel comfortable talking about your sex life if she shared hers, tell her that you just don't want to be the only one sharing. On one hand, she may be just rude and ignoring that you don't want to share private details of your life. On the other hand, she may be seeking information and currently you are her only source. If you are comfortable, you might want to try asking her why she wants to know. Maybe tell her that you don't want to share the details of your life, but you could always point her in the direction of good reading materials, like When Someone You Love is Kinky or SM 101. Of course, other books and resources exist but those are the ones that come to mind. I hope this was helpful in some way and good luck!

Drifa -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/9/2007 5:31:14 PM)
Being a lesbian as well as being kinky, I've just gotten resigned to the fact that like 75% of people, those who I know well enough for them to know that my spouse is another woman, will eventually ask me two questions: (1) Which one of you is the man? (D'oh! Neither, and that's the point!) (2) What do you DO? (Oh puh-leese! Use your imagination! We have everything except that one anatomical attachment and for anything requiring THAT we have a wide range of toys if desired!) I've never gotten a kink question though, even from people who know about it. The closest I ever came was when I was first in college. I had joined the SCA and was learning the medieval sword-and-shield heavy-armored combat style, and in that part of your learning you get hit in the left thigh and left butt-cheek, a lot, until you learn to use a shield correctly. These sticks we swing are 2" thick rattan canes, so some big deep bruises can result. My dorm mother spotted some of these marks after a practice while visiting me and my roomies, and before it was over with I was in the Dean of Women's office explaining that yes, the boys were beating me but no it WASN'T sex or abuse (evil grin). And DAMN if she didn't contact my mother - NOT to tell her that I was being beaten, but to incorrectly inform her that I had joined some strange devil-worshipping cult. But I digress... I second what AquaticSub was saying: tell her that discussing your sex life makes you uncomfortable. Politely but firmly close the topic and tell her that you need her to stop asking or you won't be able to be around her any more. And then stick to that. If it was me, I might ALSO ask, "Are you asking me these things because you want more information for yourself about unusual sex?" And if so, direct her to some basic books or websites on the topic. I don't think I'd send a basic curiosity-filled person to SM101. I'd want more of a high-level overview that discusses what BDSM and D/s are and are not, at least as an introductory step. SM101 is more of a beginner's guide for folks who want to explore BDSM rather than for the curious.

MamaDomme -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/9/2007 5:39:43 PM)
Since this person is your closest friend, and you have been friends for over 20 years, surely you are comfortable enough to just tell her that the subject is off-limits as a topic of discussion with her. Or, you can be blunt and honest and tell her what you are into. *I am very "out" with my friends so my opinion probably won't help you much.

AquaticSub -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/9/2007 5:52:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Drifa I don't think I'd send a basic curiosity-filled person to SM101. I'd want more of a high-level overview that discusses what BDSM and D/s are and are not, at least as an introductory step. SM101 is more of a beginner's guide for folks who want to explore BDSM rather than for the curious. This is true. I was thinking, and perhaps didn't express correctly, that When Someone You Love is Kinky might be suggested in order to explain d/s and BDSM and SM 101 suggested in the case of the friend looking to start practicing BDSM herself.

earthycouple -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/9/2007 6:11:19 PM)
I'm sorry, I hardly think I'd have trouble telling a close friend like it is (noneya or the facts as they are)...more to the point, if she is that close to you, why would she persist if she knows you are uncomfy?

RRafe -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/9/2007 6:29:35 PM)
Ask her if her interest is personal. quote: ORIGINAL: kossack My closest friend knows I'm "not vanilla" but she doesn't really know what that means--she asked once if she was on top once with her husband, does that mean she wasn't vanilla also. I'm just not comfortable having the conversation with her about wiitwd. It isn't her business, and I don't pry about what she does in bed. I'm VERY private. She, over the last 2 years or so, has gotten a lot more demanding about the kinds of details she wants. I'm getting more and more uncomfortable with the persistence of her questions. I don't ask her about what she does in bed and she isn't taking my gracious changing of subjects as much. I've told her I don't want to talk about it, but somehow, me having a different orientation means she feels like it is fair game, even though she never talks about her sex life. I love her dearly--we've been friends for over 20 years. How do I tell her to back off? I'm getting frustrated. Anyone have any similar experiences?

littlebitxxx -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 4:09:05 AM)
I'm fairly "out" with my close friends (and they love me anyway :), so I don't know if what I do would work for you. Awhile ago, during a reunion with one of my closest friends after a separation of a few years, the topic got around to sex, as it always had in the good ol' days. She asked a pointed question about my current relationship and, after hemming and hawing for a few seconds, I told her point blank about my life choice and that I am a submissive. Her response was the same as everyone else's had been: "Cool. What's that?" I described very basically and that just started a whole flood of questions. Natural curiosity mixed with a little trepidation but no completely grossed-out icks or ewwwws. I'm wondering maybe if you came right out and said something very blatantly, it might force the issue. It can only go two ways really: either she'd be turned off and never ask again, or very curious and want to know more. Either way, with having been friends for over 20 years, I think it highly unlikely you'd lose her friendship over it. Good luck.

agirl -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 7:15:05 AM)
My most likely reaction would be * I've spent two years explaining aspects of my life that you still don't understand and it's tiring. I think it's better that you find an alternative source of information.* At bottom, she can ask whatever she likes, you aren't under any obligation to provide. Do you feel you should? ....or that what SHE wants is more important than what you're comfortable with? Only you know your friend and what her driving motive is........but I'd feel a distinct lack of mutual respect. I wouldn't expect HER to back off......I would back off. agirl

PlayfulOne -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 7:28:16 AM)
Mabe you should just ask her what it is she wants to know and more importantly why. Once you determine the why she keeps asking you can either ask her to stop as you don't care to discuss it with her or maybe you can help her with what she might need. K

tmo2 -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 7:47:56 AM)
You could always pull up some items on the web that agree with your philosphy of the lifestyle copy and give it to her. She can satisfy her curiousity and if has questions can ask them intelligently.

littleone35 -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 8:11:33 AM)
You can say look we have been friends for 20 years and i love you(if you do) by my sex life it just that MY SEX LIFE. I really don't want to talk about it, so stop pushing. It works i have used it. Matt's littleone

Dom87110 -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 10:38:58 AM)
I have never known girls/women/subs not to most openly and bluntly talk about sexual matters, how a certain guy they are dating is performing, built, etc. So, if you consider her you "closest friend" I would assume that her interest in your intimate life is only understandable and "normal". On the other hand, should you be one of those who prefer not to talk about your sex life, she should be able to accept and respect that. If not - how close of a friend is she really. One thing that I find odd, though. She knows that you "are not vanilla" and wants to know more about what is all about. Is being part of BDSM (i.e., "not vanilla") merely sexual for you? Maybe it is about all the many different layers and facets that BDSM is all about that she wants to know. Too many people (in vanilla and in BDSM) believe that this is all about sex!!

came4U -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 11:46:07 AM)
Tell her simply, there are 3 things you won't tolerate being interrogated on. who you vote for your finances and your sex life.

Dom87110 -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 11:52:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: came4U Tell her simply, there are 3 things you won't tolerate being interrogated on. She is talking abour her closest friend - not the Viet Cong POW/concentration camp commander.

came4U -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 11:59:04 AM)
No one I know, or most people have the gall to ask about the above things that are personal in one's life. There are some things that are sacred MYOB situations.

AAkasha -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 12:03:17 PM)
Maybe the question is why are you so uncomfortable talking about your intimacies with your best friend of 20 years? This is obviously just a matter of personal preference, but I think women generally, when they are "closest" friends do talk about just about everything; but sometimes, they use more careful language about it. I have a very close friend who is totally vanilla and when we talk about our sex lives we just are generally a little more vague about it but still convey the same information; I have other girlfriends where they are comfortable hearing about it in more blunt terms. When girlfriends talk about this stuff, it's generally in support of each other or as they are discussing their problems or challenges (or breakthroughs), but not for tantalizing or arousing "details." Do you feel offended? Ashamed? Shy? Do you feel you cannot trust her? Do you question her motives? Are her questions too blunt and inappropriate? Perhaps there are close woman-woman relationship that do not have an open, frank line of communication about what happens in the bedroom. I don't think, for example, it's uncommon for a vanilla girlfriend to ask another vanilla girlfriend if she has tried anal sex, and did it work for her. If they are close friends. Maybe I'm wrong. Do you have sisters? Maybe that plays a part of it too; I'm used to sharing intimate details with my sister as much as she wants to know (but she generally doesn't care about the kink so much once she got past the general questions). Akasha

iammachine -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 12:27:57 PM)
I'm very out, so I'm not much help. Really, if you don't want to talk about it - just flat out tell her that you'd rather your sex life be kept private and you don't want to discuss it. It sounds like she may have a personal interest/curiousity. If she's been a friend for that long, I imagine she should respect what you do or do not have to say. :)

Dom87110 -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 12:29:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: came4U No one I know, or most people have the gall to ask about the above things that are personal in one's life. There are some things that are sacred MYOB situations. Then this leads me to an interesting question that I will take to another post - is it easier to "come out of the closet" and openly share about your BDSM involvement for a Dom/Master than it is for a sub/slave?

came4U -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 12:31:43 PM)
I would think it is harder for a Dominant male. After decades of society trying to re-wire men to be more caring and passive uhhg and the feminists that would jump all over a guy. Even TV commercials with a man being henpecked 'pussify' the male species and are IMO downright ball-knocking and disturbing. Yet, there are some women I know, who cannot believe or picture me acting submissive to anyone and have tried to talk me out of it thinking I had lost my mind.

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