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Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 4:12:09 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Often people come to the board for advice about their relationships.  It seems sometimes that when people start learning about BDSM, M/s, D/s, etc. they either forget how to build and maintain relationships or they didn't have those skills to begin with.

In an effort to start dialogue on relationships and what makes them work, below are a few questions.  Feel free to pose your own questions or just post your own thoughts on the topic.

What do you need to build and maintain a relationship?  What is needed for a strong healthy relationship?  In the relationships that you have seen or been in throughout your life, what has been the distinguishing factor between a great relationship, a good one and a crappy one?


Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus
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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 5:52:15 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Laughter is at the top of my list.  If I can't laugh with someone I love, it's a good bet there isn't any relationship really worth saving.

Beyond that, taking time for each other.  Not just out at a fetish party, or attending PTA meetings together; really taking the time a few times a week to talk, laugh, and share experiences.

Taking time apart is important as well; usually work, children, school or other obligations provid this, but individual hobbies and interests shouldn't languish.

Communication will probably crop up about six dozen times, but I suppose I'll throw it out there because it really is important.

Great sex never seems to hurt.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 6:08:03 AM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

It seems sometimes that when people start learning about BDSM, M/s, D/s, etc. they either forget how to build and maintain relationships or they didn't have those skills to begin with.


I often feel that a particular poster has come to the board, posting a "question", just to vent and relate to others.  Which I'm not critizing- probably one of the healthiest ways to vent.

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 6:18:46 AM   
persiphone


Posts: 288
Joined: 3/30/2004
Status: offline 		What defines a good relationship is often dependant upon the people involved. For me a good relationship is about listening and communicating openly and honestly. Its laughing, hugs, smiles, tears, and looks. Its comfortable silences, and long talks til the early morning. Its standing together. Its always knowing the other will be there no matter what. The defining elements for me are communication and understanding. The pieces all have to fit together to make the whole picture.

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 6:23:04 AM   
SunNMoon


Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with Stephann (Thank you for stating my thoughts so clearly), but I just wanted to add a few things.
 
The similarity is life goals and values. I’m not saying all things but enough that there is common ground for creating a working relationship. Such as matching desires on ums, where to live, and desire for who works, ect.
 
I also want to emphasize the ability to talk including communication about needs and wants. But to be able just to talk about pure nonsense to deep philosophical conversations should be there too. For me personally this has been the key to having a great relationship with someone (from friend to romantic).


quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Laughter is at the top of my list.  If I can't laugh with someone I love, it's a good bet there isn't any relationship really worth saving.

Beyond that, taking time for each other.  Not just out at a fetish party, or attending PTA meetings together; really taking the time a few times a week to talk, laugh, and share experiences.

Taking time apart is important as well; usually work, children, school or other obligations provid this, but individual hobbies and interests shouldn't languish.

Communication will probably crop up about six dozen times, but I suppose I'll throw it out there because it really is important.

Great sex never seems to hurt.

Stephan

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 6:36:41 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SunNMoon

I agree with Stephann (Thank you for stating my thoughts so clearly), but I just wanted to add a few things.
 
The similarity is life goals and values. I’m not saying all things but enough that there is common ground for creating a working relationship. Such as matching desires on ums, where to live, and desire for who works, ect.
 
I also want to emphasize the ability to talk including communication about needs and wants. But to be able just to talk about pure nonsense to deep philosophical conversations should be there too. For me personally this has been the key to having a great relationship with someone (from friend to romantic).


quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Laughter is at the top of my list.  If I can't laugh with someone I love, it's a good bet there isn't any relationship really worth saving.

Beyond that, taking time for each other.  Not just out at a fetish party, or attending PTA meetings together; really taking the time a few times a week to talk, laugh, and share experiences.

Taking time apart is important as well; usually work, children, school or other obligations provid this, but individual hobbies and interests shouldn't languish.

Communication will probably crop up about six dozen times, but I suppose I'll throw it out there because it really is important.

Great sex never seems to hurt.

Stephan



the willingness to adapt and grow and over come lifes crinkles.. to be yes a friend and romantic. to have values and morals. seems the common thread is communication. if you can not talk about everything and anything what is the point of being with someone. oh and keeping bs of the outside world being family friends and other just on the outside never let those interfere with what is important  EACH OTHER.  everything starts from a focal point

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 6:39:12 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
What do you need to build and maintain a relationship?  What is needed for a strong healthy relationship?  In the relationships that you have seen or been in throughout your life, what has been the distinguishing factor between a great relationship, a good one and a crappy one?
Knight's Kyra

*edit: I wrote this in regards to any relationship, not towards a M/s or romantic one but simply a relationship in general.

To build a relationship: There needs to be common ground for the foundation, it could be something as basic as a shared personality trait or the love of something that can be shared.

To maintain a relationship: Erm. That is my trouble area. I am great with starting a friendship but I get kinda lost once past the starting point. Hopefully someone will mention key points that I need.  (I think the fact that I'm sick so so often has something to do with this. I rarely have the energy to do stuff which means I get left behind a lot, eventually the divide widens until it gets too big to cross. I understand it but I cannot change it because it is something that won't ever change. I hope that makes sense, it does inside my head lol.)

To keep a strong healthy relationship: I have very few of these but the ones I have are ones where each of us grow along the same lines. Not outpacing one another. A crappy relationship usually means that one of us is outgrowing the other.

< Message edited by camille65 -- 9/10/2007 6:41:02 AM >

_____________________________


~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 6:54:30 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
What do you need to build and maintain a relationship?  What is needed for a strong healthy relationship?  In the relationships that you have seen or been in throughout your life, what has been the distinguishing factor between a great relationship, a good one and a crappy one?
Knight's Kyra

*edit: I wrote this in regards to any relationship, not towards a M/s or romantic one but simply a relationship in general.

To build a relationship: There needs to be common ground for the foundation, it could be something as basic as a shared personality trait or the love of something that can be shared.

To maintain a relationship: Erm. That is my trouble area. I am great with starting a friendship but I get kinda lost once past the starting point. Hopefully someone will mention key points that I need.  (I think the fact that I'm sick so so often has something to do with this. I rarely have the energy to do stuff which means I get left behind a lot, eventually the divide widens until it gets too big to cross. I understand it but I cannot change it because it is something that won't ever change. I hope that makes sense, it does inside my head lol.)

To keep a strong healthy relationship: I have very few of these but the ones I have are ones where each of us grow along the same lines. Not outpacing one another. A crappy relationship usually means that one of us is outgrowing the other.


I think if you could find a dom that is more supportive about your needs things would go great. someone who understands that dynamic. That when your sub is ill or not well you are their for her and put her first instead of  Their self. some doms dommes are like that when things are going south. They seem to book or are looking in other peoples profles for and escape. To find someone of balance you need to find what person is made of. This is called strength of character. = how well they face adversity and strife

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 6:57:11 AM   
jaxnsax


Posts: 106
Status: offline
Greetings
To build and maintain, at the top; for myself, would be MY ability to trust him/her/both. And that trust has to be unshakable. If I have doubts of any kind, the relationship will suffer.
Everything after that is just extra’s that most would want in a relationship: the ability to communicate openly and honestly, the ability to laugh at themselves and each other/any given situation, the ability to be compassionate, the ability to take responsibility for oneself, etc. There are so many determining factors that it would be impossible to list them all.
On the lines of a strong healthy relationship, I would have to go with both love and respect. To me, a strong healthy relationship is one that has and can weather any obstacle; in my mind, it takes love and a strong respect for the other person to achieve this ( Please note that I said this was for ME only; my thoughts, my opinion )
My first M/s relationship was a disaster. I could blame it on the fact that I was only 18, but that would not even begin to cover the issues that were there. It broke apart because I was unsure of my place; I had doubts; this lead to the breakdown of the trust between us. Of course, my communication skills at that time were horrible L Either way, it did not last and became what many would consider a disaster.
I wish you good humor and health
jaxon

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 7:01:29 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
What do you need to build and maintain a relationship?  What is needed for a strong healthy relationship?  In the relationships that you have seen or been in throughout your life, what has been the distinguishing factor between a great relationship, a good one and a crappy one?
Knight's Kyra

*edit: I wrote this in regards to any relationship, not towards a M/s or romantic one but simply a relationship in general.

To build a relationship: There needs to be common ground for the foundation, it could be something as basic as a shared personality trait or the love of something that can be shared.

To maintain a relationship: Erm. That is my trouble area. I am great with starting a friendship but I get kinda lost once past the starting point. Hopefully someone will mention key points that I need.  (I think the fact that I'm sick so so often has something to do with this. I rarely have the energy to do stuff which means I get left behind a lot, eventually the divide widens until it gets too big to cross. I understand it but I cannot change it because it is something that won't ever change. I hope that makes sense, it does inside my head lol.)

To keep a strong healthy relationship: I have very few of these but the ones I have are ones where each of us grow along the same lines. Not outpacing one another. A crappy relationship usually means that one of us is outgrowing the other.


I think if you could find a dom that is more supportive about your needs things would go great. someone who understands that dynamic. That when your sub is ill or not well you are their for her and put her first instead of  Their self. some doms dommes are like that when things are going south. They seem to book or are looking in other peoples profles for and escape. To find someone of balance you need to find what person is made of. This is called strength of character. = how well they face adversity and strife


My dom is extremely supportive, moreso than I've ever gotten from anyone else. However he lives on the other side of the US. Despite that I have belonged to him nearly 8 years.

It is the day-to-day relationships that I struggle with.

Edited for an oopsie

< Message edited by camille65 -- 9/10/2007 7:02:26 AM >

_____________________________


~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 7:02:47 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline 		A sense of priorities is at the top of my list. Closely following are communication and laughter.

In my relationships, what matters most is the relationship...and not just that it's a M/s or D/s dynamic, but that I'm learning, living, growing with that other person.  Basically, my slave is first and foremost my friend, lover, and most cherished companion.  Only when that is firmly established can she surrender herself to me and become the slave I ultimately desire.

If she is dealing with a major issue, whether in her own life or between us, I respond first as a friend, and only later as "master".  Sometimes that means putting rules and protocols on hold while life's untidiness is addressed.

The fantasy of being "master" 24/7, of being lordly and "domly" and having her totally focused on my needs, wants, and wishes, sounds wonderful....but it is just a fantasy.  I want my relationships to be real, and in real life.  Occasionally, that means I'm not always master; sometimes I'm just me.


_____________________________



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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 7:02:50 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I won't repeat what others have said but I do want to emphasis something Latex touched on.

I think that most long term relationships that are still vital and strong have a common thread. One where all involved are not just appreciative of all the traits in the other/s that they like, and that compliment their own, but have appreciation and respect for the whole person. Even the qualities that are very different from their own likes and dislikes. These individuals understand compromise. Their relationships have a certain strength of elasticity. The ability to keep the ties that bind strong but not strangling. Allow for growth and change in each person.

Another thing I see as a difference between good long lasting relationships and those that fail is responsibility or lack thereof. Too many people bring an unwhole, unhappy self into it, expecting the other person/s to fix them and make them happy. Then, when they are still miserable they blame the other person. It is their own fault but they do not see it. They just move on to their next fix instead of looking in the mirror and asking the hard questions. I think one of the most difficult lessons I had to learn with those I love was to say to them, if only in my own mind "your happiness is not my responsibility".

And Kyra, as I have seen you and KoM say many times. All of you serve the relationship. I read that and I understand it, yet I wonder how many really do. Regardless of gender, dominant, submissive, slave.......it is the responsibility of all to serve the relationship. To understand where they fit, how they can best serve the whole. That is a really huge thing. It is also very easy to loose sight of, especially in the current social mindset of everything being "all about me".

Enough of my rambling, I just saw what Latex said and it kind of grew in my mind.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 7:46:02 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		Good thread...good posts.

I am going to chime in here in terms of agreement with LaTigresse and you folks kyra as it is something I deeply believe in also, the more so the last few years...you have to serve the relationship dynamic, whatever it is.  Too many people seem fixed only on what they are getting out of the relationship and not on what their partner is getting out of the relationship and...important...not what the relationship is getting out of them.

Laughter, communication, a proper sense and understanding of priorities and how those priorities....while retaining their place on your list...sometimes need to be reshuffled to satisfy the dynamic in a reasonable fashion.

I believe in being accepting of the fact that while there needs to be similarities in many viewpoints that it is O.K. to have differences in views in regards to certain things and to be able to evaluate how important those differences are realistically.  e.g....I love music but I can live or live without it playing all the time.   If I am going to play it, I like an eclectic mix....classic country, new country, classic heavy rock, classic bouncy rock, metal rock, hell even Sinatra and Dino and orchestral music sometimes.  But some forms of music I just don't like...for me.  That does not mean I won't listen to them or accomodate a submissive whose tastes are different than mine.  But this is a case where there would have to be a compromise because if she only wants to ever listen to her music and that music is hip-hop or rap or punk, then our tastes....besides clashing...are going to create a problem sooner or later if compromise cannot be reached.  To me, the musical differences are not worth losing a relationship over...for someone else, my taste in music and my insistence that we listen to mine as well as hers might create a problem that cannot be gotten through.  To her, it makes more of a difference to her relationship values than it does mine.

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 7:50:19 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists


What do you need to build and maintain a relationship?  What is needed for a strong healthy relationship?  In the relationships that you have seen or been in throughout your life, what has been the distinguishing factor between a great relationship, a good one and a crappy one?


Knight's Kyra


A genuine and consistant interest.

agirl





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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 7:53:19 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Time, experience, compatibility, chemistry

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 8:17:11 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		What do you need to build and maintain a relationship?

To build I think you need chemistry and common goals short and long term and for both to have the same or near same growth in emotional/like/love and the expectations those things attach to.

To maintain a relationship both people need an understanding a relationship is always a work in process and not some destination.

What is needed for a strong healthy relationship?

A general enjoyment to just be around the other, sacrifice, equal goals and values that truly affect a relationship and not philosophical ones, similar or close sex/affection drives and that mythical something extra chemistry thing.

In the relationships that you have seen or been in throughout your life, what has been the distinguishing factor between a great relationship, a good one and a crappy one?

Great relationship the two people are never competing against each other often if ever to get what they want and a crappy relationship two people who only think of the other as someone who is there to benefit them.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 9:45:55 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez

What do you need to build and maintain a relationship?

To build I think you need chemistry and common goals short and long term and for both to have the same or near same growth in emotional/like/love and the expectations those things attach to.

To maintain a relationship both people need an understanding a relationship is always a work in process and not some destination.

What is needed for a strong healthy relationship?

A general enjoyment to just be around the other, sacrifice, equal goals and values that truly affect a relationship and not philosophical ones, similar or close sex/affection drives and that mythical something extra chemistry thing.

In the relationships that you have seen or been in throughout your life, what has been the distinguishing factor between a great relationship, a good one and a crappy one?

Great relationship the two people are never competing against each other often if ever to get what they want and a crappy relationship two people who only think of the other as someone who is there to benefit them.



Yes......when there is more pleasure in giving than taking-things work positively, and well.

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I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 9:46:45 AM   
murmur


Posts: 394
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline 		If i cant talk with my partner the same way that i can talk with my friends, there's a problem. I need Understanding, communication, balance, chemistry, complicity, the same values in life. Priorities, even if we dont have the same, that can be worked with (communication!). Respecting the other is at the top of my priorities in a relationship.

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 10:02:53 AM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		Compatibility.  Shared values.  Goals.   Acceptance of each other.  Truly.  Ability to learn.  Ability to see myself and change things which need changing.  And my partner needs to same thing.  Ability to let go of things and move forward.  To accept the differences.  to embrace those differences.  To let someone else be himself.  Each taking responsibility for ourselves and for the relationship.  In it together.  Not adversarial.  And whenever it feels that way, reformulate the issue.   Commitment to the relationship.

I could go on and on.

What is the difference for me?  Life.  Learning from life over time.   Not everyone does it.   But I am attracted to those who have lived a full, long, learning life.  Developing and honing skills over time.



< Message edited by arayofsunshine55 -- 9/10/2007 10:04:55 AM >

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 10:20:18 AM   
BeingChewsie


Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists


What do you need to build and maintain a relationship?  What is needed for a strong healthy relationship?  In the relationships that you have seen or been in throughout your life, what has been the distinguishing factor between a great relationship, a good one and a crappy one?


To build and maintain:
Time, honesty, ethical commonality, shared vision, resillience, ability to compromise, ability to forgive, ability to let go and move forward, ability to set goals and follow through, a sense of humor, a sexual connection..I'm sure there is so much more but just a few things off the top of my head.

Same goes for strong and healthy.

I'm in an incredibly great relationship...we have all the above factors and don't have many of the common pressures that can hurt relationships going on.

Crappy relationship would be..not being on the same path, dishonesty, very strong outsides pressures on it

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

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