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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 10:41:22 AM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

A genuine and consistant interest.

agirl

I think everyone here has listed those things I consider important for a healthy and happy relationship, but the things that I believe are needed for a lasting one are those regarding serving the relationship and most of all agirl's quote above. I think it is the genuine and unwavering desire to maintain a relationship that holds it together through all the rough times. I believe that to seriously entertain the idea of allowing a relationship to end is the point in which it ending becomes a very real possibility.

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 10:57:03 AM

EclipseAbove

Posts: 220
Joined: 8/11/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
It seems sometimes that when people start learning about BDSM, M/s, D/s, etc. they either forget how to build and maintain relationships or they didn't have those skills to begin with.

I have some thoughts as to why this may be the case for a number of people. I think that you must be a solid individual in order to contribute to a relationship and the idea of power exchange, especially the fantasy aspects (total control, etc.) contradict that. It is really easy to think that in order to be submissive, you really can't be an individual any more. And for dominants, that you aren't interacting with an individual any more. I would argue that in order to participate in a successful power exchange relationship, you need to be even more solid in your individuality than if you are participating in a vanilla relationship. Just my crazy idea, though.

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 11:34:08 AM

junecleaver

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Joined: 4/6/2005
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The majority of relationships I come across are built less than sturdy. Let's face it, building a solid relationship is not easy and it is not all that common.

I need some chemistry and some common interests to build a good relationship. I have tried to build relationships with people who were not a good fit because I thought they were mysterious or some such thing. (Women? heh) But I really need someone who I can share my life with me and take some interest in what I'm passionate about.

For a strong healthy relationships, I need face to face interaction on a fairly regular basis. I need a lot of affection and reassurance, especially in the beginning stages. I need someone who listens well and makes me feel like their interest is not feigned. I need someone who appreciates me. For my part, I need to listen to them. I need to try to understand their perspective. I need to appreciate them in the context of our relationship and also as an individual. I need to look up to them.

I used to have a mentor who constantly told me, 'Seek to understand more than you seek to be understood.' If both individuals of a relationship go into it with this mindset, I feel like something successful can happen.

Honestly? The person I am currently with is what makes this relationship the greatest ever.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 5:39:27 PM

kyraofMists

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~Fast Reply

Thank you to everyone who have shared their thoughts. Much of it reflects my own thoughts.

I did want to comment on something that LaTigresse and CreativeDominant mentioned about serving the relationship. I think that is a key part of what has made the relationship between my Lord, Alandra and I so easy. There have been challenges and things we have struggled with, but because our focus is on what is best for the relationship we have come through them stronger than ever. I have found that when we all give to the relationship, we end up getting what we need from the relationship.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 6:04:50 PM

defiantbadgirl

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Joined: 11/14/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: junecleaver

The majority of relationships I come across are built less than sturdy. Let's face it, building a solid relationship is not easy and it is not all that common.

I have yet to find a d/s relationship at all. Most of the Doms I have been contacted are either poly, looking for a kinky friend with benefits, or they are 20 years older than me. I've tried going to local munches and everyone there seems to already have a partner. If I ever do find a d/s relationship, I would like a Dom who is stern, yet compassionate. Someone who is intelligent and has his shit together (employed with his own transportation). Someone who isn't into inflicting extreme pain. A Dom that is willing to actually date his sub.

_____________________________

Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 8:08:39 PM

Mercurialdame

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Joined: 9/10/2007
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I think that most of us can build a relationship, even if that relationship lasts for 20mins only.
But if you are to remain in a long term committed relationship, is needs some basic core needs attending to mutually and that is something we hopefully get better at addressing, as we both progress in our relationship.
Being able to grow together, and learn together from communicating clearly helps immensly.
Ours begun D/s and grew as we did to incorporate other dynamics. It now has no identifiable dynamic as a constant, other than loving each other. But it took a lot of working that through for us. We are still growing and evolving together. Hopefully for the rest of our lives.
Keeping the romance alive is a must for me.
Keeping the mischief going is a must for me.
Keeping the love and trust going is a must for me.

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 9:17:17 PM

charlotte12

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Joined: 5/9/2006
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Using fast reply before i lose this thought then i will go back and read the rest of the responses.

Not only the capacity to but the commitment to listening to the other person. I find that so often these days relationships, whether romantic, friendly or familial fall apart so quickly because the second there's a problem we bail. I think that our culture has put such a focus on independence and being responsible for our own happiness that we have forgotten that happiness does not always come easily. One of the closest friendships i have right now that has lasted the longest (besides with my family) is with someone who if you counted the number of times we could have NEVER spoken again you would run out of fingers. And yes we all need to take a step back sometimes and evaluate what it is that we really need but i see too many people see one thing go wrong in a relationship and simply declare that they don't "need" anyone else to be happy and go off in search of that perfect someone who will fulfill their every need before they even meet. I personally like to grow and change with my partner and if i can't expect someone to do the same with me and listen to me as i have issues and openly tell me what they are concerned about then i don't expect our relationship to last very long.

I guess that's sort of the same as communication, but i think that sometimes we all need to remember (or maybe just me) that communication is not just sharing ourselves and listening to the other person but choosing to really hear and learn from the other.

Hmm...that was jumbled but i'm posting anyway......

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 9:22:30 PM

Stephann

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Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: charlotte12

Using fast reply before i lose this thought then i will go back and read the rest of the responses.

Not only the capacity to but the commitment to listening to the other person. I find that so often these days relationships, whether romantic, friendly or familial fall apart so quickly because the second there's a problem we bail. I think that our culture has put such a focus on independence and being responsible for our own happiness that we have forgotten that happiness does not always come easily. One of the closest friendships i have right now that has lasted the longest (besides with my family) is with someone who if you counted the number of times we could have NEVER spoken again you would run out of fingers. And yes we all need to take a step back sometimes and evaluate what it is that we really need but i see too many people see one thing go wrong in a relationship and simply declare that they don't "need" anyone else to be happy and go off in search of that perfect someone who will fulfill their every need before they even meet. I personally like to grow and change with my partner and if i can't expect someone to do the same with me and listen to me as i have issues and openly tell me what they are concerned about then i don't expect our relationship to last very long.

I guess that's sort of the same as communication, but i think that sometimes we all need to remember (or maybe just me) that communication is not just sharing ourselves and listening to the other person but choosing to really hear and learn from the other.

Hmm...that was jumbled but i'm posting anyway......

Ironically, this is one of the few things latexbaby often espouses that I agree with (though not to the degree that he appears to believe.)

Real relationships don't function because of the illusion of perfection, they function because they account for the weaknesses and challenges that life throw us. A perfect house, to me, is one where I know, accept, and even come to enjoy the little quirks and problems that it throws me (from a squeaky floorboard in one spot, to knowing that a beloved old heater needs to be replaced.) There's always room to improve, and I take enormous pleasure from doing those improvements.

People aren't houses, but relationships often are likened to houses. I like working on my relationships, to make them stronger, happier, and healthier. There's really few problems in my mind that can't be overcome with time, patience, trust, and love.

Stephan

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RE: Building and Maintaining Relationships - 9/10/2007 9:57:51 PM

MasterFireMaam

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Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
What do you need to build and maintain a relationship?

Someone who is willing to be in a relationship with me, who is willing to learn how to show that and with whom I am compatible on some level.

quote:

What is needed for a strong healthy relationship?

Strong, healthy adults.

quote:

In the relationships that you have seen or been in throughout your life, what has been the distinguishing factor between a great relationship, a good one and a crappy one?

Self awareness of the partners, ability to speak each other's 'love languages', the desire to really make your partner happy and the ability to speak up if something is wrong...or right.

Note that any of these describe ANY kind of healthy relationship...not just lifestyle.

Master Fire

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