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RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/10/2007 8:20:25 PM

SoulOfIron2007

Posts: 32
Joined: 9/10/2007
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*laughs appreciatively at the assertive strength of machine's reply* However it's been stated, that seems to be the consensus among a lot of people watching the thread. It's good to know how people think and feel about these sorts of things... There's so much that goes into living the life of someone interested in BDSM, or actively pursuing it, that every bit of others' perspective provides valuable insight. Keep the posts coming, people! Even if you don't think you have something new to say, hearing whether you agree with or disagree with things that others have said here already would be of interest. *waves cheerfully to everyone watching the thread, hoping it will encourage even more activity*

(in reply to iammachine)

Post #: 21

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/10/2007 8:21:50 PM

bamabbwsub

Posts: 566
Joined: 5/28/2007
Status: offline

quote:

I like being treated like a regular human being. Screw my role, I'm a person first.

Actually, aren't you a machine?

(Sorry, I couldn't resist...)

(in reply to iammachine)

Post #: 22

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/10/2007 8:32:05 PM

SoulOfIron2007

Posts: 32
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

*laughs at bama's comment and waits to see what iammachine will say in response, hoping this stays at least PARTIALLY in the realm of serious discussion, but thinking a little banter might help perk the thread up*

(in reply to bamabbwsub)

Post #: 23

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/10/2007 9:12:39 PM

havingfaith

Posts: 28
Joined: 6/9/2007
Status: offline

It's so hard to say that i would walk all over someone who at least didn't have the air of being Dominant, but it's definately true. When i finally met with M in r/l , we had a lunch date. And i would never have stayed if He immediately tried Dominating me at that point. But there were simple things He did or said that made me "feel" the D part of Him. He opened the door and escorted me inside. He made me feel that there was no one else in that restaurant but the two of us. And at the same time He watched everyone around us almost in a protective mode. As we were talking, He asked what i was thinking of ordering, when the waiter came , He ordered for both of us. But what that came down to was the way He was raised to treat a woman, any woman, vanilla or not. Definately impressive. And it definately let me know He was capable of being a good person, not just a good Dom. We did not avoid the reason we were meeting but we did talk a lot about each others interests and life outside the lifestyle. And yet with one look, i could still tell who was the Dom, lol. It wasn't forced onto me, but it did leave a lasting impression.

Respect and communication are things i hold dear. He won in those aspects. As time went by, the more we have seen of each other and explored each other, the more He takes control. The more He learns about me, the more He can sense what i need/want out of this relationship. It took a very long time to find Him. The one that's right for me.

The only thing i can say is that i completely agree with being treated like a person first. He treated me like an equal, still does to this day. Although i know my place, i still also know that i can talk to Him like i could a good vanilla friend. Honestly and openly without fear of being judged. And that makes me feel so much more secure in our relationship and in my submissiveness.

PS...........please forgive me if it's hard to understand, i am sleep deprived right now, lol.

(in reply to SoulOfIron2007)

Post #: 24

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/10/2007 9:23:25 PM

SoulOfIron2007

Posts: 32
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

Wow, havingfaith... thank you for that response. Gave me a lot of insight. I am happy that you found someone that you can share that kind of connection with, and have that mutual respect with... Congrats to you both. Speaking of sleep deprived, I am going to be logging out of Collarme for the night (I need sleep badly), but if anyone else cares to post here, I will read the thread in the morning. Thank you all for making this an entertaining and enlightening evening. I'm always eager to learn new things. *smiles and waves goodnight to everyone*

(in reply to havingfaith)

Post #: 25

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/10/2007 10:25:12 PM

twistedkytten

Posts: 240
Joined: 9/8/2006
Status: offline

I knew of Master before we began talking.. I watched Him interact with others.. just walking passed Him I could feel His presence. I am what I am... and He just magnifies it.

_____________________________

Obedience is life, girl lives to serve her Master

(in reply to SoulOfIron2007)

Post #: 26

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/10/2007 10:52:24 PM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoulOfIron2007
So, new questions based on that last response (and thank you, Sunshine). IS it possible, at all, to incorporate the attitudes and behaviors that you associate with your kink-oriented self with every-day behavior towards others in such a way that they feel like they are being treated as a respected individual, and at the same time, can have an opportunity to feel that part of yourself out? Should it be put forward openly, or reserved for discussion only if the other person asks you about it? What do you think, everyone? *grins*

So there are simple things. If I'm interested in a guy who is dominant, and let's be clear when I am no longer interested I do stop talking with him, I look for ways to yield. Simple ways. If he suggest something and I can do it, like call tomorrow at 3, I will do my best to do so. If he says he loves a gal in a skirt I will show up in one. So if he lobs out subtle, non-heavy handed opportunities, he will find that I respond. Cause surrendering gets my cunt wet. Well so does hurting a guy but that is another thread.

If he's heavy handed I move on. Cause I don't respond so well to that in either the short or the long term. I'd also add that a guy who puts things out there so we can do the dance we both love together, but without attachment to the specific outcome, who enjoys the journey and the unfolding, now that is a guy whose mind I wanta know. That kinda guy will suck me in in a heartbeat. Seductive. God I love seductive.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to SoulOfIron2007)

Post #: 27

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/10/2007 10:58:10 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I prefer a gradual immersion into any submissive aspects of myself (or Domme, I am a Switch). I find anyone expecting me to act all submissive toward them at a first meeting (call me "Master X", etc) to be presumptious, and it also smacks (to me, whether intentional or not) of someone who is just onto BDSM for kinky sex, and not to get to know me much as a person. Although, once I have decided I am compatible with the person, at a meeting, my submissiveness can come out rather quickly (provided the man is also interested in me).

One thing I don't mind is being told what to wear to a first meeting (for some reason) - as long as it isn't totally obscene for a meeting in a public place, that is. I also don't mind general gentlemanly pleasantries, such as a man opening doors. But anything "heavy-handed" like arayofsunshine55 stated - is a definite "No" for me as well.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/10/2007 11:06:07 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to bamabbwsub)

Post #: 28

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/10/2007 11:42:50 PM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

Some submissives really enjoy a loud, brash Dominant who is very heavy-handed in their Dominance. Some of us prefer the quieter ones who can rule with the lift of an eyebrow. Being treated like a submissive means treating me like a person with value. I will give submissive behavior to someone who may demand it but I will offer submission to someone who gives me the choice. There's a big difference between the 2.

Just my thoughts.......

_____________________________

"cooking is my kink"

Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

(in reply to SoulOfIron2007)

Post #: 29

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/11/2007 1:58:58 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoulOfIron2007

When you meet someone either here on Collarme or in the context of an RL BDSM event, do you like to be treated as a submissive right from the beginning, or do you prefer to talk like two people who had met in another context before exploring elements of your respective approaches to BDSM?

to be quite frank and blunt - NO, i don't want to be treated as their submissive simply because i'm not. i don't submit automatically to every dom here, there and everywhere i meet ...there has to be an established friendship, trust and relationship (in that exact order) before any Dom treats me like a submissive.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to SoulOfIron2007)

Post #: 30

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/11/2007 5:11:13 AM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

i am me, no other. until i decide to submit to someone....it doesnt matter how i am labeled, i am a person and would like to be treated like one. and that's how Sir won me over, he treated me respectfully WHILE we discussed things of a M/s nature. he was able to help me to find the answers i was seeking because he asked the right questions of me.

he's never once treated me with disrespect, even when i've been naked, tied down, preparatory to being flogged. i am a sub, i am his slave, i am just me. treat me with respect, and you'll find you get that back from me. treat me like an object, and i have Daddy's permission to become a wildcat on you.

kitten, who doesnt like being rude.

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 31

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/11/2007 7:50:48 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

You're also mixing up contexts here- meeting someone you've been chatting with for weeks online for a private dinner is quite a different context from attending a board meeting for the first time.

It's best to really not treat someone differently based on their relationship orientation until you've formed a personal relationship with that person.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to adoracat)

Post #: 32

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/11/2007 8:36:59 AM

SoulOfIron2007

Posts: 32
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

Wow, now that I am awake and functional and have caught up on all of the new posts since I went to bed last night... Thank you all for your amazing input here. I am glad to see that so many of you chose to share your thoughts on the subject. :) I am always striving to improve myself as a person, as a friend and as a Dom, so your insights are really appreciated. Anyone who has something to add, please feel free... I am probably going to be starting another thread later with some other questions that I have thought up since awakening. *smiles and waves to everyone*

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 33

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/11/2007 8:55:17 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

I will break protocol and blur the lines a little.

Sometimes I do act dominant out of the gate. I call it "fishing." While being respectful and NOT pretentious, I may throw out a feeler, or make a subtle play for dominance, and see how the man reacts. (this is real life, not on the net). If a man seems to "get it" and responds in a "slightly more submissive" manner, I take it as a cue to move forward, and inch it along that way. I don't call it dominance though - I consider this more "seduction." If a man isn't itnerested, I can read his signs. That's extremely rare (men love the attention). However, if I "read" a man wrong, his response will be to push back with his own dominance, and then I see we're not a match at all. This has happened a few times. So much can be figured out with body language, eye contact, and the way a man responds to a few pointed phrases.

Online - well, that's different, because you never know how your words will be interpreted. You have no body language. It's better to just be straightforward and not assume anything.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to SoulOfIron2007)

Post #: 34

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/11/2007 9:00:57 AM

SoulOfIron2007

Posts: 32
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

Thanks for posting, Akasha. I know that I started this thread as a post asking questions of the submissives here on the site, but other Dominants, please feel free to post your own responses about how you handle the orientation issue initially; that helps to teach new things as well.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 35

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/11/2007 10:31:58 AM

SoulOfIron2007

Posts: 32
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

Well, thank all of you for your input on this issue, but the thread seems to have wound down. I will still check in every so often, though, to see if there are more opinions up. Thank you all again, and I am sure I will have more questions open for friendly debate later. :)

(in reply to SoulOfIron2007)

Post #: 36

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/11/2007 10:44:38 AM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

Of course I love when a complete stranger tries to dominate me. (Yes, that was sarcastic)

(in reply to SoulOfIron2007)

Post #: 37

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/11/2007 11:04:24 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoulOfIron2007

I meant by that, approach you with an air of casual command and authority that a lot of Doms seem to use when talking to a submissive.

The only dominant who interacts with me that way is Valyraen. I speak to a few of the dominants here on the other side and they have always spoken with me as Aqua, not submissive number 6. The same holds true for real life - the dominants at the group we attend speak the same to me as they would to Valyraen.

To answer your OP: I think it when a man displays, in some fashion, that he has an alpha personality but is wise enough to learn who I am as Aqua before attempting to assert authority over me.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to SoulOfIron2007)

Post #: 38

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/11/2007 11:07:55 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoulOfIron2007

That being the case, what are the things that tell you that A) this person is a dominant, but B) they also have the good sense to treat me respectfully. Where does that line lie, and how do you, personally, judge that someone has crossed it?

One example: We are meeting for coffee. It would impress me if he asked what I wanted and than ordered that for me along with his coffee. However, I would find it rude if it he ordered what he thought I wanted, what he wanted me to have or something different from what I said (unless of course it was by accident). I would probably order what I actually wanted for myself, leaving him with two drinks, stay until mine was finished and tell him "Thanks but I don't think we are going to work out".

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 9/11/2007 11:10:14 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to SoulOfIron2007)

Post #: 39

RE: A Question For the Subs - 9/11/2007 11:33:26 AM

Cuckme4Life

Posts: 168
Joined: 7/8/2005
From: MentallyDeranged,Tn.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoulOfIron2007

Hey, I have seen a lot of different opinions on this one in various discussions I have had with friends in the lifestyle, and thought I would open this question to public discussion. I'd really like to hear people's opinions on this one.

When you meet someone either here on Collarme or in the context of an RL BDSM event, do you like to be treated as a submissive right from the beginning, or do you prefer to talk like two people who had met in another context before exploring elements of your respective approaches to BDSM? I've gotten a lot of different responses to this in private conversations, but what I would really like to do is see if I can establish some patterns of thought among submissives on this topic (I'm not just a participant in BDSM, I am a scholar at heart who likes doing research.)

Let me know what you think, and feel free to be as concise or verbose as you like regarding your reasons for feeling the way you do. Thanks in advance for your input. *grins*

I like to be treated like a human first and then later expand the parameters to amore submissive role. I have found a few occasions that some Dommes have assumed that I am submissive 24/7 and to a total stranger at that,. No. I cannot do that. Get to know me as I get to know you and then we can work out details as we go. I dont submit to just anyone and can actually have a very assertive side .

People assume too much about a persons personality and ways just because how they identify themselves. Within my 2nd year of being in Texas, I befriended a Lady that was interested in being a Domme to me. I met some of Her friends along the way. One of Her friends was a supposed male dom. He was rude as hell and always interrupting everyone in mid sentence. I had no respect for the guy at all.

_____________________________

"Face Your Fears, Live Your Dreams!"-- Nike Corporation

"I will banish them from my kingdom"--- King Willie Herenton, Memphis Tn. Mayor (choke)

(in reply to SoulOfIron2007)

Post #: 40

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