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Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 5:11:28 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
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I am told many people do not believe Love and BDSM go together.

If not love, then what motivates you to participate in BDSM?

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RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 5:37:45 AM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
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Love and bdsm together is ultimately what I seek. Unfortunately, I keep running into those who feel the two don't go together and won't allow themselves to develop any feelings for someone they session with. Many of them would rather cheat on a vanilla wife or girlfriend than find one person who can meet all their needs. I think for many of these types, the thrill of cheating without getting caught motivates them as much as the bdsm itself. Then there are those who like to inflict pain, but their feelings stop them if they try it with someone they love.

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Post #: 2

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 5:38:41 AM

jaxnsax

Posts: 106
Status: offline

Greetings bobkgin
You have asked this question before I believe.
For myself, love does not have to enter into the picture. Respect yes. Admiration yes. But not love.
In respect to BDSM, once again, I will state that for myself, BDSM is nothing more than playing. It is a fringe benefit for my partner; I have no real interest in it at all.
My interest lies in the actual exchange of authority between two or more people who are involved in a relationship.
jaxon

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Post #: 3

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 5:39:33 AM

Viridana

Posts: 754
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin
If not love, then what motivates you to participate in BDSM?

it's fun.

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 4

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 5:52:17 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
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Some people play tennis with their spouses. Others have tennis partners. One needn't love their tennis partner, to enjoy the sport for it's own sake. I'm not suggesting anyone's making this claim on this thread, but it's absurd to assume that tennis partners don't love each other are somehow lacking in emotional capacity. BDSM activities and associated lifestyles do not require love. It's a fair statement to say that any activity you enjoy with someone you love is going to be more enjoyable, though. Sex is much in the same vein, I think.

Not everyone desires love in their intimate relationships. In fact, I would suggest there's a far greater drive for people who do not wish for a 'loving' emotionally charged relationship to enter into a D/s dynamic, simply because standard vanilla relationships usually carry an expectation of love. Lots of people marry someone they don't love, sure, but this strongly goes against social norms. The typical vows go something like:

I,(name)take (name), as my wedded partner, to have and to hold from this day forward,for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health,to love and to cherish, till death do us part.

A collaring, by contrast, carries no inherent expectation of love; only commitment For some folks, that's all that is desired.

I'll briefly add, that I personally wouldn't enter into a formal D/s dynamic with a woman I do not love, but I have enjoyed engaging in BDSM activities with women I liked but not loved.

Stephan

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Post #: 5

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 6:14:59 AM

SirCache

Posts: 159
Joined: 3/26/2005
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I have never been in love with anyone from the very first moment I bumped into them. Oh, I've lusted for many a woman in my time both in and out of BDSM scenes, and I know the drive to want to be with a person. Love, however, takes time, and love changes not only from person to person, but within a relationship over time. I think you should be open to love developing--come on, people form relationships because they feel strongly for one another.

I don't understand how you can have no feelings for those in your care, however, it runs against my basic nature to simply not be open to everything life--or a sub--can provide.

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 6

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 6:19:42 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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I have to enjoy and respect my partner, there has to be some affection there, but not love. I always find it odd when people say there must be love. Either it's easy for them to fall in love, or they love a lot of people in their life. I know that's not who I am.

In a perfect, wonderful world, I would find love with a dominant man who enjoys power exchange not fully dialed up to the highest degree and who can understand that I am not a masochist. I've come to the conclusion that this person does not exist.

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Post #: 7

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 7:00:12 AM

xoxi

Posts: 1066
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I'm one of the weird ones who requires love (or at least deep feelings that are leading up to love) in order to "scene" with someone and enjoy it. Although I suppose I don't really "scene" but am closer to a 24/7 thing (although I hate that term and it always ends up being something like a 21/6 lifestyle because of things such as family and public propriety).

Being whipped doesn't turn me on. Kneeling and crawling doesn't turn me on. The act itself is an act - it's the man who I share those things with that makes the difference between heavenly bliss and boring tedium.

I've tried casual scening and I consder it like casual sex. I can see the appeal, but to me it's third-rate pleasure and I don't even waste my tme with second-rate pleasure

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 8

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 7:00:12 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
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i have engaged in bdsm while not in love and while in love with a person. The experience is different, my reaction is different, my responses are different, what i am willing to submit is different. i find the experience while in love to be more intense and it fulfills me on a much deeper level then just an endorphin rush or sexual release.

When i am "just playing" i am more inclined to have expectations of skill from the dominant and if he doesn't show much skill or something to keep me interested, i get annoyed and have little tolerance. If i am in it for the experience of bdsm than i expect a good experience.

Playing with someone i love is in a whole different league. The concentrations isn't on skill persey but how they make me feel inside when i am with them... the sound of their voice can get me wet, the rapid heart rate while on my way to see them is exciting. i am more focused on pleasing them then on getting my own pleasure. i am compelled to go outside the realm of comfortable just to see the delight in their eyes. If i am just playing i am only compelled to give what was bargained for. The two experiences can't be compared which is why over the years i am less inclined to seek out play, it's just not as satisfying as it used to be and i would rather let it be then seek something that will always pale by comparison to something i once had.

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RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 7:01:28 AM

xoxi

Posts: 1066
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

Playing with someone i love is in a whole different league. The concentrations isn't on skill persey but how they make me feel inside when i am with them... the sound of their voice can get me wet, the rapid heart rate while on my way to see them is exciting. i am more focused on pleasing them then on getting my own pleasure. i am compelled to go outside the realm of comfortable just to see the delight in their eyes. If i am just playing i am only compelled to give what was bargained for. The two experiences can't be compared which is why over the years i am less inclined to seek out play, it's just not as satisfying as it used to be and i would rather let it be then seek something that will always pale by comparison to something i once had.

Yessssssss....what she said!

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 10

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 7:26:03 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
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I love Sir but i am not in love with Him.
Do i think i may fall in love with Him? Possibly.
Do i need to fall in love with Him to continue? No.

If not love, then what motivates you to participate in BDSM?
The relationship, connection, sex, play (hate that word) etc etc that i have with Sir motivate me.
I do not need love to be happy but i do need the above.

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Post #: 11

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 7:31:33 AM

Aileen68

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Joined: 8/2/2005
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Nope...no love needed. Hell, I didn't even know their last names.

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 12

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 7:33:44 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
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It is the same as a person hooking up for casual sex or only having sex in a meaningful relationship. A few can only do one of those but most of us at one time have done both just at separate times.

There are some that can only do this life or the activities based on only love or can only trust or let themselves go with someone they love. There are some that do these things because they are simply enjoyable to them and do not require love to enjoy themselves and some do it without love because they are incapable or uncomfortable in giving or receiving love. There are some that the feelings can change over time or because of the person they are with, to each their own.

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I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

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Post #: 13

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 7:38:40 AM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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To spend alot of time, outside of work, required social events, or something educational, with people I do not care a great deal about on some level......not my thing.

I am a weird duck in that I don't need alot of social human contact. I actually prefer hanging out at home over most empty social events.

That all being said, I can imagine BDSM activities with another as an educational experience but not just for the sake of doing it. Just not my thing. To have a close, personal, physical, contact with someone, I almost need to have some sort of emotional attachment. Otherwise it holds no appeal to me. Doesn't even have to be the ever ellusive "in love" but it does have to involve some sort of love, even if just a good friend.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Post #: 14

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 7:43:10 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
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I dont know Alieen68 last name. I have women friends who I scene with at clubs. They dont love me. They trust me. You can love the kink but not the person.

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 15

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 7:44:53 AM

Aileen68

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It's 68 of course.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 16

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 7:46:05 AM

RRafe

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Joined: 8/29/2007
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I at least have to like someone, does that count?

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Post #: 17

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 7:52:01 AM

Jeffff

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At the very least I need affection, and I hope for love. I am greedy and I want it all...:)

Jeff

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Post #: 18

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 8:42:13 AM

havingfaith

Posts: 28
Joined: 6/9/2007
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i go with the i love this person but am not IN love with them. Meaning they have gained/earned my trust and respect and for that i love them. Just like i would any good friend of mine. i love all my "girls"(you know who you are ) but am not in love with them. But i trust and respect them TONS!

i could not just scene with anyone. Without some deep bond, there just is no real pleasure in it for me. M knows me better than anyone and that is key for us. But we both know that there is no falling IN love between us. Do we love each other? yes we do. Will we stay close for a long time? i certainly hope so! Will we get married and have lots of babies? Heck no.

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 19

RE: Love-Less BDSM - 9/13/2007 8:58:21 AM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

Sir loves me and i love him. that's the way *we* do the M/s relationship. i couldnt submit without at least caring very much for someone....love makes it better for me. Sir wouldnt necessarily have to love a sub/slave but it makes it that much better for him.

clarifying this to i both love him and am in love with him....and Sir returns this.

kitten

(in reply to havingfaith)

Post #: 20

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